CHAPTER SIXTEEN

 

 

ASH

Hanging up on Summer, I jump when Ru sidles up beside me and holds a cup in front of me. Sam’s cup. The giant white mug that can fit enough coffee in it to kill a mule.

“How’s he doing?” He claps a hand to my shoulder, silently offering his support.

“Okay.” I take the mug and sip at the hot contents. I haven’t been able to thaw out since I left Sam at the hospital in the early hours of the morning. Haven’t slept either. “They say it was Stress cardiomyopathy.”

“What does that mean?”

“Summer says it was definitely a heart attack, but when they did the tests they didn’t find any blockages. The doctor thinks it’s stress related. That his cortisol and adrenaline levels shot through the roof and his heart sort of shut down to protect itself.”

“That’s good, right?” he asks. “Better than we expected?”

“I think so. Summer said they expect he should fully recover. That none of the heart muscle actually died, but were stunned. The hospital’s going to keep him for up to a week. Run some more tests.” The heat of the cup is so hot it burns my hands, but at least that’s something I can feel that isn’t this wretched uncertainty. “Summer said the nurse says it was a result of a broken heart. This is because of me. I caused it.”

“You caused him to have a heart attack or this cardiomyopathy?” Ru raises his eyebrows.

“No. I caused the stress. Coming here. And then last night…” I hadn’t meant to take off when I walked outside after the phone conversation with my father. I just needed some fresh air and a few minutes to pull myself together.

But then Luca messaged me. He shouldn’t have been able to find me, but somehow he did. He was in town and waiting for me. He told me to meet him or my name would be everywhere within twenty-four hours. I had to at least try to reason with him. Then I was going to tell Sam everything about Luca’s threats and demands for money. I was even going to come clean about why I really left all those years ago. I was going to explain that I heard what his father said about me, and that I couldn’t deny it. For so long I’ve kept my distance because I thought it was worse to lose love than avoid it. I just wanted to prove to him that I could handle myself, first; that I wasn’t here with him because I needed him to look after me. And that I’m not telling him what he wants to hear like I have before.

“Come on now, Mischief.” Ru shakes his head and his curls bounce. “You’re giving yourself too much credit, don’t you think? If anything, you’ve probably helped his stress levels these last couple weeks. The first year in business is hard for anyone. Add in the fact he’s been running point in the kitchen, and that’s a tremendous amount of pressure. I’m not surprised the stress finally made him crack.”

“You didn’t see his face last night.” Putting the coffee down to rub at my arms, I glance at the door. “I pushed him off the ledge. He wants me gone.”

“You’re leaving?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t want to, but I don’t want to cause him more stress. And you told me when I got here that I couldn’t stay. That this couldn’t be my home. Maybe you were right.”

“I told you that because you were behaving like a spoiled brat.” He starts moving around the kitchen and preparing for the breakfast shift. “That’s not the same girl I’ve known these past couple weeks.”

“Isn’t it?” I don’t feel different. Not really.

“Well, you’re still here, aren’t you? You haven’t taken off. You’re not drunk off your ass. I’d say that counts for something.”

“Perhaps.” But then I always ran to Sam when I couldn’t handle the world alone. Running away from him was meant to be for his own good. Staying… That’s different. “He wouldn’t even look at me when he woke up. Do you think it’s too little too late?”

“Could be.” He disappears into the pantry and comes back with an armful of ingredients. “That’s not the question though, is it?”

“What?” I rest against the counter. Can barely hold myself up now. All the adrenaline that’s pumped through my veins while I waited to find out how Sam was is wearing off.

Ru gives me a sympathetic glance. “Since you’re obviously staying, are you going help me run this kitchen until Sam’s back on his feet? Or are you going to wallow?” He pulls a knife from the magnetic strip above his station. “Because we have a lot to do.”

“Actually,” I tell him, pointing to the suitcase near the door. “I’m heading back to the hospital. I told him I’m not going anywhere, and I meant it. I have to be there for him.”

“All right.” He nods.

“But if there’s anything I can do while I’m there, I want to help. If you need me to make phone calls or emails, I’ll do that.” The restaurant is his baby, and I can’t let it suffer either. It’s my turn to hold his world together, and I won’t let him down. “Whatever you need.” 

***

“He’s doing much better.” Summer holds my hand while we sit together outside Sam’s hospital room. “The doctors are happy with his recovery so far. They said he can go home in a few more days. We’re thinking of taking him to our place, to keep him away from work for the time being. You understand, don’t you?”

I nod. It’s been a couple days and he still won’t look at me. Each time I walk into his hospital room he turns away from me. He doesn’t say anything. I want to explain what happened, but when I try the machine that monitors his heart starts beeping faster and a nurse appears before I can get the words out. I’ve taken to sitting with him when he’s asleep. Staying until he wakes and tells me to leave. But I won’t. I can’t. The rest of the time I spend doing whatever Ru asks me to do for the restaurant from this seat outside his room. “That’s probably for the best.”

Her eyes plead with me to understand. “If things were better…”

“I get it.” I slump further into my seat. Things between us aren’t getting better, and I don’t know how to change that. All I can do is wait and hope he’ll give me just a smidge of a chance to explain myself.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” she asks. “I’ve only just found out my brother and my best friend have all this history. Years and years and years of history. They practically got engaged. I can’t even begin to comprehend…” She makes a motion near her ears as though her brain is exploding. “Where was I all this time that you and Sam were falling in love? Or together?”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how to tell you. I was so ashamed of so many things. So scared of hurting the only people who were really part of my life.”

“What happened anyway?” she asks. “Between you and him the other night? He hasn’t spoken your name since it happened. He ignores me when I try to bring you up. Says he’s exhausted. I know he’s recovering, but it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

“It’s hard to explain,” I say, staring at the thick rail attached to the opposite wall. I’m not feeling very well. It’s a combination of being run off my feet at the restaurant, not being able to sleep when Sam’s scent clings to everything and I can’t stop thinking about him, and worry that he won’t forgive me this time.

“Try me.”

“Luca happened,” I whisper. “The video was only the tip of the iceberg. He dated me because he worked out who my father was. The whole thing was an effort to get money from Robert.”

“You’re kidding?” Her eyes bug out. “How did he even know?”

“Turns out his dad was an employee at Durum Tech some years ago.” He’d said something about Robert owing his father money for unfair dismissal and emotional damages that night at Mayhem, which had piqued my curiosity, and since Durum Tech’s history is all public record—unlike my father’s family life—I’d found the connection fairly easily. I have no idea if my father was in the right or wrong, or if perhaps my mother’s death sent him off the rails at the time since it was only a few months after I was born when Luca’s dad left the company. “Between Luca and his dad, they put two and two together. Didn’t help that I apparently look like my mother. They decided they could use it to their benefit. I assume Luca and the other pilot must have come to some financial agreement too.”

“Holy shit.”

“He messaged me that night.” Back when I thought we were seeing each other, I must have told him about Summer and my trips to Reverence. Maybe even told him it was like my second home because she lived here. I guess that’s how he figured out where I was since no one else knew. “When he told me to meet him at Mayhem with the cash, I was surprised, but not shocked. If anything I was relieved that he found me, even if all I could do was try to reason with him or tell him to stick it. But Robert paid him off.”

By the time I met Luca at Mayhem, less than twenty minutes after I read his message, he’d heard from Robert’s lawyers and a non-disclosure agreement had been signed. The money he wanted had also been electronically transferred. I was a little apprehensive of taking Luca’s word at face value, but an email from the lawyers backed up his story. And twenty-four hours after that the video disappeared from the internet.

It feels almost like a parting gift. One last almost fatherly act when I think we both know our relationship is over.

Or he just needed to save himself the embarrassment.

“I should have told Sam before that, but I didn’t. He’s always had my back, Sum. With my dad. With Talon. With everything. I didn’t want to disappoint him again. I didn’t want him to have to rescue me. Or give up his restaurant for me.” I swallow hard, fighting the urge to fall apart. “We both know he would have done whatever it took, and I couldn’t let him.”

“That’s our Sam,” she agrees. “But surely he would have come up with a better plan. Or at least we would have known you were safe. What were you thinking meeting that creep alone?”

“I wasn’t thinking about that.” I sigh. “I just wanted Sam to know that I’m not here because I need him to look after me. I’m here because I love him.”

“Come here.” She hugs me sideways.

“He found me talking to Luca. The bastard was trying to intimidate me, but maybe that’s not what it looked like. You should have seen Sam’s face when he saw us. Now he won’t look at me. He won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’ll be okay,” she says.

“I hope so,” I whisper. “I fought so hard for so long against my feelings. Everyone talked about how my father became a shadow of himself after my mom…I didn’t want to hurt Sam like that. I didn’t want him to regret me. I didn’t want him to hate me too.”

“That’s not who Sam is.” She shakes her head, her own eyes as watery as mine. “You know him better than that.”

“I was just so scared,” I admit. “And now…”

“It really will be okay.” She tightens her hold on me. “I promise.”

***

“The boss is doing all right today,” Ru says, hanging up his coat as he scrubs his hands together to warm them. “Itching to get back to work.”

“Has Summer decided when she’s going to let him out of her care?” We’re in between the breakfast and lunch shift, and I’m trying to finalize the order for tomorrow morning. These past two weeks have been a crash course in restaurant management, but I’ve gotten the swing of it. Mandy pressed her boyfriend into coming and helping us out as well so that’s made a difference. But work is the only thing I can do right now. There’s not much else to keep me from moping in between visits to see him. Especially since when I’m there we sit in silence. The unspoken between us is almost too painful to stand. And Summer doesn’t let me talk about the restaurant. So we sit on opposite sides in the same room, and my tongue grows fat and awkward in my mouth until I can’t even swallow. Occasionally I catch him looking at me though, like maybe there’s hope.

Even now my pulse races at the idea he might not hate me completely. 

Ru chuckles dryly. Summer’s a little overprotective perhaps, but that’s to be expected after their dad died. Sam’s the only family she gets along with now. “She’s driving him nuts with all the pandering. Not as much as Sasha managed to with her show of support. The woman sent him a dietician and a personal trainer to help him get on his feet. Said she wanted to come but couldn’t get out of some charity event.”

“At least she cares, even if she has a weird way of showing it.”

“Yeah. Summer wouldn’t have a bar of it. Sent them on their way. She’s intent of driving him batshit crazy herself.”

“She just wants him to be okay.” We all do.

“I don’t think he can take much more. A few more days and he’ll be home, I expect. He asked me to tell you to leave before he comes home.” He shrugs, like it’s not a big deal.

“No. I’m not going anywhere.” I stare Ru down, challenging him to argue with me on this. I’ve always allowed myself to get swept away by all the bad things that could happen if I stay. I’ve told myself that hoping for a future with him was opening myself up to losing him. Like I lost my mother, like he lost his dad. I let myself believe that loving him would mean I would ultimately hurt him. That it would only bring pain and regret, because they’re the only emotions that last when it comes to the heart. I’ve told myself it would be worse to fight for love than to pretend it didn’t exist.

But there’s worse. Almost losing Sam was so much worse. Leaving him is something I can no longer do.

“Told him you’d say that,” Ru says. “I told him he’d have to tell you himself.”

“Did you?”

“The man is hurting physically and emotionally. He almost died. That’s got to take a toll.” Ru starts to putter around the kitchen, checking that everything is ready for the next shift. “Maybe he isn’t so sure about what he wants, you know? Maybe he’s just trying to protect himself.”

“I have to speak to him.” Even if it’s only to have him tell me one more time that we’re over. An idea I can’t even begin to stomach. I set my jaw. “I have to try.”

“Good girl,” Ru says, coming to stand beside me. “Now where are we up to with that order?”