About a week after our somewhat awkward conversation regarding Kaden, Jennifer walked into the lunch room at the office and casually asked me if I knew he was back in town. I was eating leftover mac-n-cheese out of a plastic bowl and thinking about the possibility of getting an evening off to go out with her and a small group of other friends. My first thought was that I must have misheard what she was saying.

"What?" I asked, looking up.

"Your ex, the football player. He's back in town. Ed saw him last night at Hawley's.

"Ed saw him?" I asked. Edward Rankin was the owner and senior lawyer of the law office where we worked. "How does Ed know who my ex is?"

Jennifer gave me a little shrug and into it I read the most likely explanation: people talk. Especially people who work with a small group of people. It's often not even mean-spirited gossip, it's just the usual interest in the lives of those you work closely with. Still, I couldn't let her off that easily.

"Ugh," I said, setting down my mac-n-cheese. "You told Ed? Who else did you tell?"

Jennifer gave me a look. "I didn't tell anyone, Nat. People know - Kaden Barlow is a huge deal in this town, someone knew you used to date him in high school, that's all. And yeah, Ed saw him at Hawley's."

"I doubt that," I said. "He's in California at Brooks. Ed probably saw one of the Reinhardt players and mistook him for Kaden."

"I don't know, he said it was definitely him."

"Really?" I asked, trying my hardest to make it look like I didn't care either way whether or not Kaden was in town. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter."

Jennifer nodded. "Yeah, I know. It's so hard seeing exes. You probably won't run into him anyway, he can't be here for long - Ed says all the sports nerds are saying he's going to be drafted first in July."

My appetite was gone. My heart was pounding and my stomach was suddenly full of butterflies. I put the mac-n-cheese back in the little work fridge and went to go back to my desk. Before I could make my exit, though, Jen came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, Nat."

"Yeah?" I replied, annoyed at myself for being so affected by the news of Kaden's possible return to Little Falls.

"I didn't - uh, I didn't mean to just spring that on you. I'm sorry, I wasn't really thinking."

"No," I said, forcing a smile. "It's fine. I just have a lot of work to do."

Jen didn't believe me, I could see it on her face. Probably not surprising, I never have been as good as I used to think I was at hiding my emotions.

I got nothing done for the rest of the day, despite my repeated attempts to concentrate. Was Kaden back in town? And if so, why? What if he tried to contact me? What if he didn't try to contact me? The last thing I needed was to see him, but my ego still wanted the validation of an attempt to talk to me. On the way home from the office I took extra notice of pedestrians, other drivers, people walking in and out of the big box stores that lined the main road before it reached my own neighborhood. I did not see Kaden.

It was for the best, I told myself. What possible good would it do me to see him? To stir up all the old feelings I'd spent so long trying to deal with? None. I had a quick shower and got busy preparing dinner. Alisha got back from work with Rosa in tow about ten minutes later.

"Hey, Tash," she called out as she headed upstairs. "Just let me get this one changed into clean clothes and I'll come give you a hand."

I chopped the vegetables with extra vigor that night, annoyed at myself for being so distracted by the news that Kaden might be back in town and equally determined to stick to the usual routines of my life. Then I went and nearly sliced off the tip of my thumb about two minutes into slicing onions.

"OW!"

"What?" Alisha asked, joining me in the kitchen and coming over to check what I'd done. "Ugh, Tash, it's bleeding. Here, put it under the water." She turned the tap on and led me to the sink. "Stay there, I'll go get a band-aid."

While I waited for Alisha to get back with the band-aid I caught my own reflection in the window over the sink. The image was blurry, but not so blurry that I couldn't see the look of exasperation on my own face. I turned the tap off and sank down to the floor, holding my thumb away from my body so I didn't get blood on my clothes.

"OK, klutz of the year, here's-" Alisha stopped talking halfway through her sentence when she saw me on the floor. "Tash! What's - are you OK? How bad is it bleeding?! Let me look at it..."

She knelt down beside me. "Don't worry," I told her. "It's fine. I just - damn, Alisha. I wish I was a stronger person than I am."

Alisha was looking at me the way you might look at someone who you suspected of being on the verge of cracking up. "Tash," she said, "it's really not that big of a deal. Just let me put a band-aid on it."

"It's not the thumb!" I blurted as she wrapped the band-aid around the small wound. "It's just - ugh, I hate myself for even caring about this, but someone I used to know it back in town and it's freaking me out a little."

"Oh, yeah," Alisha told me, washing her hands and getting started on the onions I hadn't managed to slice yet. "I guess you heard Kaden's back in town? I wasn't going to say anything unless you mentioned it - I wasn't sure you knew."

I laughed. "Yeah, I know. I mean, it seems like everyone knows - all the people at work, you, probably all the old people who hang out at the doughnut shop."

"Well he is Little Falls' big star," Alisha commented, helping me to my feet and pointing me towards a kitchen chair. "Sit, I'll finish these onions. The last thing we need is you chopping off your damn hand, girl."

So I sat down for a few minutes and watched the blood seep slowly through the bandage on my thumb until it seemed to stop. Then I got back to work mixing dumpling dough because Alisha wouldn't let me near any sharp knives.

"He's probably only back for a couple of days," she said, patting me on the back as we worked. "You don't have to see him."

"Oh I know," I replied. "I just wish I wasn't so rattled, you know? Two years later and I'm still getting shook by him, though? When does this end? Because I'm getting pretty damn sick of it, I can tell you that."

Alisha came up behind me and put her head on my shoulder. "It ends," she said quietly. "It definitely ends. Your first always takes a lot longer, too. I know this doesn't help you right now but once you go through this one time it's never so difficult again. It definitely gets easier."

"I have to go through this again?" I asked, shaking my head. "Why can't I just meet a perfect guy and marry him tomorrow? Huh? Why not?"

"Because that's not how it works. Well, not for most of us anyway. You've got nothing to worry about, Tash. You're young, beautiful, smart - you've got your shit together. One day you're gonna look back on this and smile over how sweet and innocent you were."

"I doubt that."

I made a promise to myself that night, as I lay in bed with the window wide open to let in the summer breeze. It wasn't healthy to be so down on myself, so angry at myself for not being able to sequester my emotions away in a metal cabinet. While Kaden was in town - if Kaden was in town - I was going to go about my life as I always did and allow myself to feel whatever it is I felt.

It worked, too. Well, it worked for a day and a half. I was organizing purchase orders for the office when Jennifer came to my desk with an odd look on her face.

"What is it?" I asked. "I'm almost done here if you need-"

"It's not that, Nat. Kaden Barlow is outside. I told him not to come into the office but he said he wants to talk to you."

I stared at the computer screen for a few seconds as the blood drained out my limbs and my stomach lurched.

"Do you want me to ask him to leave? I can do that if you want," Jen said, "I just thought I should let you know, first."

"Yeah," I replied, my mind whirling. "Um, yeah. What did he - did he say what he wanted?"

"No. He looked upset, though."

"Upset? Like, angry?"

Jen pressed her lips together. "Not, not angry. Upset. Like, sad."

Oh God. Angry I could have dealt with. Angry would have given me a good reason to have him told to leave. But sad? It had been two years since I last saw Kaden and it was possible he'd changed during that time, maybe a lot, but he'd never struck me as the kind of person who would use emotions to manipulate someone. The old Kaden would never have pulled a move like faking sadness to get me to do something he wanted.

I crept to the front of the office and pulled back one of the drapes shielding the window from the summer sun. And there he was, as if I'd just dreamed the past two years. As if he'd just come from football practice at Reinhardt and was coming to pick me up so we could have dinner at my house. He was standing beside a black Audi with his shoulders slumped and his head hanging low. And at once, all the work I'd done to get over him just disappeared. The surge of softness in my heart at the sight of him looking so low just took over instantly. Jennifer saw that I was about to go to him.

"Nat," she said, touching my arm. "Are you sure? You don't have to talk to him, you know. Ed can ask him to leave."

But I was already on my way out. "No, it's OK," I called back over my shoulder.

Kaden saw me as soon as I walked out the front door. Our eyes met and I actually wondered if I was in a dream. Everything suddenly felt blurry and slow-motion. As I got closer to him I could see that his eyes were red and his face was puffy. He'd been crying.

It struck me like a thunderbolt. Kaden? Crying? I knew instantly that something terrible must have happened. He started walking towards me.

"Kaden?" I said. "What's happening? What's wrong?"

But by that point we were right in front of each other and instead of answering he just bent down to let me put my arms around him (I hadn't even realized I was reaching out) and buried his face in my neck. We stayed there, like that, for a long time. Kaden wasn't actually crying but he was taking the deep, rough breaths of someone who was in some kind of distress and was trying to maintain control of themselves. He felt exactly the same in my arms as he always had - big and muscular and warm and perfect. When we pulled away from each other a few minutes later he was just staring at me like he might have thought I was a ghost.

"What's wrong?" I asked, grasping his shoulder. "Kaden, what's going on? Why are you-?"

"Can we talk about this somewhere else?" He asked. "I can wait until you're off work, Tasha."

Oh, God, hearing my name spoken in that voice after so long. It made me want to cry and throw myself into his arms and run away all at the same time.

"I can leave work now," I said. "My boss will be OK with it. Are you going to tell me what's happened?"

Kaden closed his eyes. "Yes, Tasha. But please, can we go somewhere first? I don't want your entire office watching this."

I turned around to see the office drapes twitching in multiple places.

"Sure," I said. "Just let me grab my bag. Wait here. I'll be-"

Kaden was nodding, and it took me a few seconds to realize that he was doing it because he couldn't speak. He was on the verge of breaking down.

"Oh my God, Kaden!" I said sharply, freaking out a little because I'd never seen him like that before. "Just give me two-"

"My mom got into a car accident," he blurted out suddenly, covering his face with his hands as the tears started to fall. "They don't think she's going to make it."

There wasn't a single part of me that, in that moment, wanted to do anything other than provide comfort. Nothing else mattered. Not my broken heart, not the passing of time, not my own fragile sense of purpose in a life I had already accepted would not have Kaden in it. The only thing I was focused on was him. He needed me.

"Nat!"

I turned around to see Jennifer walking towards me with my bag in her hand. "Here. Ed says it's OK if you leave. Call me tonight, OK?"

I took the bag and gave my friend a hug. She didn't need an explanation, she could see that the situation was serious.

"Yes, I will," I told her. "Thanks, Jen."

I turned back to Kaden.

"Let's go," he said. "I don't want to be standing out here - anyone could be taking pictures."

Of course. He was on the verge of real stardom. He had to think about things like people taking pictures in public.

"Where are we going?" I asked when we were inside the Audi. Kaden would tell me the details of what was going on in his own time.

"My parent's house," he said. "They're not home. My dad is at the hospital with my-"

I reached out and touched Kaden's arm as he lowered his head again. "Hey. Kaden, let me drive."

So we stopped the car and switched seats. And as I drove, he told me what was going on in a halting, cracking voice.

"Someone hit my mother on the highway, a drunk driver. She's in a coma with swelling on the brain and the doctors told us this morning that she's probably not going to make it. I'm so - Tasha - I'm so sorry to show up at your work like that but I didn't have a choice. I'm falling apart here. I don't know what to do."

"Don't worry about that," I told him. "It doesn't matter."

We got to his parents' house a few minutes later. Once we were inside, we went into the kitchen.

"Do you want something?" He asked, opening the fridge. "Uh, a drink?"

"No, I'm good."

He turned around and bent down over the kitchen island, holding his head in his hands for a few seconds before looking up at me. His eyes looked haunted, it was awful seeing him like that.

"I don't know what to do, Tasha," he said. "I don't even know what to say to you. I told you all there is to tell. I just don't want to be alone right now."

"I know," I soothed him, walking around to where he was standing and rubbing his back. "It's OK Kaden. I'm here. You don't have to do or say anything. I'm here. Alright?"

"Thank you, Tasha." He whispered through his hands. "Just, thank you."

"It's OK," I told him, because it was. "It's OK."

We stayed in the kitchen for a few minutes while Kaden tried to get himself together.

"I need a drink," he said, finally. "Are you sure you don't want one?"

"Well, why not? Sure, I'll have one."

I wasn't sure what he meant by 'a drink' but it soon became clear when he took out a bottle of whiskey.

"Please don't say anything," he told me, pouring about a shot's worth into two glasses. "I know this isn't the way to handle things. But I'm losing it, Tasha. I think I'm really losing it. There's nothing to do . I've been waiting for three days now, ever since my dad called me at Brooks. I feel like jumping out of my own skin. I want to fix this. I want to help my dad. But there's nothing I can do. There's nothing and it's driving me fucking crazy."

I watched as he downed the shot in one gulp and poured another. I took a small sip of my own. "You're here," I told him. "That's helping. You and your dad need to be together right now, to help each other - and your mom - get through this."

Kaden looked at me forlornly. "I hope you're right."

When he poured the third shot I took the bottle out of his hands and suggested we go sit outside on the back deck. Those little bits of tree fluff that get released over a two or three-day period around that time of year were floating through the air. I reached up and grabbed one, examining the tiny seed before releasing it again.

"It doesn't feel like two years, does it?" Kaden asked, watching me. "It doesn't feel like any time at all."

I wanted to go to him, sit on his lap, put my arms around him, kiss the top of his head. Whatever it was that had been there between us in high school was still there, a current of electricity snapping between us that I wasn't in any way sure I would be able to resist. So I stayed where I was, watching the seeds flit by.

"It doesn't," I agreed. "It's actually kind of scary, huh?"

I could see him out of the corner of my eye, but I was almost too afraid to look at him. He was still the same person he'd been but there were small differences. He was less gangly - not that Kaden was ever gangly, but he was even more muscular, more solid - and his face had hardened a little, settled into the angles and lines of adult masculinity in a way it hadn't quite finished doing when we were still at Reinhardt together. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with 'Brooks Football' in faded lettering across the chest.

"It feels so strange to be sitting here with you. But at the same time it feels like we've been sitting here for ages, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding in agreement. "How's college going?"

Kaden managed a small smile. "If you'd asked me that question four days ago I could have talked your ears off. Don't feel bad, it probably would have been pretty boring for you. But now, I don't know, it just doesn't seem to matter much."

"The draft is next month, isn't it?" I asked, thinking maybe distraction would be a good idea. Get his mind off the present.

He nodded and I made the mistake of looking at him. He was leaning back in the lawn chair, which looked comically tiny holding up his huge frame and it hit me in a sudden blast of undeniable truth that nothing about the way my body reacted to Kaden Barlow had changed. Nothing. I quickly looked away again, feeling a little ashamed of myself for even having feelings like that when things were so messed up for him. The glass of whiskey was still in my hand so I took another sip.

"Do you like that?" He asked.

I laughed as the whiskey burned a trail of fire down my throat. "Not really."

"It's my dad's. He used to lock that stuff up when I still lived here. It still feels like I'm doing something really wrong drinking their liquor."

We sat out on the back porch for a couple of hours, until I realized it was getting close to time for me to go home.

"Don't go," Kaden said, when I brought it up. "I'll pay for delivery. Please, Tasha..."

I had had another small glass of whiskey by then and the mood between Kaden and I had changed a little, softened up. I knew it wasn't a good idea to stay.

"Rosa has allergies," I told him. "Delivery won't work." I paused, fighting with myself. Then I looked down at Kaden and told him not to worry, that I would come back over after I'd gone home to make dinner.

"Will you?" He asked. We were standing at the front door waiting for the taxi he'd called to show up.

"Yeah. I'm not trying to get out of anything, Kaden. It's just my job to make dinner - don't you remember?"

He smiled. "Yeah, I do remember. You were a damn good cook in high school, Tasha - you're probably an even better one now."

I glanced outside. Still no taxi. We were standing very close to each other.

"Are you going to be OK until I get back?" I asked, reaching out and grabbing the bottom of his t-shirt without thinking about it. We both looked down at the same time, watching as I snatched my hand away, embarrassed. "Sorry," I said, looking up to see him looking right at me, not smiling. I knew that look.

"Kaden," I whispered, warning myself as well as him. He put his hands on me at the exact same moment the taxi honked its horn and the surprise at hearing it was the only thing that allowed me to pull away from him, quickly, because I knew if I tried any other way it wouldn't have worked.

"I've got to go," I said breathlessly, already on my way out the door. "I'll see you in a couple of hours, OK?"