Chapter Twenty-Two

 

 

AMBROSE WASN’T the only one getting messages from his friends. Vinnie started it in the group chat we were all a part of. The entire conversation took place over a full day.

Vinnie: Pride Round coming up.

Tate: Huh? What’s coming up? Is this a TMI moment between you and Aaron?

Vinnie: Pride Round? Football? The round where they celebrate LGBT pride?

Tate: Oh. Football. I should’ve guessed.

Liam: If celebrating means beer, I’m always in.

Hiram: He’s always in? TMI moment between Liam and Jamie there?

Liam: Shut up.

Vinnie: It’s Pride Round. We have to DO something.

Liam: We will. Beer.

Vinnie: I mean we should go to the game. Show our pride.

Vinnie’s messages were liberally sprinkled with rainbow stickers between the sentences.

Aaron: The only teams celebrating the Pride Round are over in the east. Perth doesn’t get to celebrate.

Vinnie: All the more reason to do it.

Kee: How about we all celebrate by kissing our boyfriends then taking them to bed after the game?

Tate: I’m in!

Hiram: That’s not fair. I miss out then.

Vinnie: How about we all celebrate by going to the game? Dockers are playing.

Aaron: You want me to go to a DOCKERS game????

Liam: I’m in!

Liam was a mad Dockers fan, while his best friend, Aaron, supported the other Perth team. It made for teasing times.

Kee: Micah Johnson is playing. He’s the only out AFL player. He deserves to play a Pride Round game.

Vinnie: Yeah. We could go and show our support to Micah.

Tate: You want me to go to a Dockers game? Like actually attend?

Tate followed up his message with an emoji showing horror.

Aaron: We’ll go next week when the Eagles are playing.

Vinnie: Duh. It has to be THIS week on Pride Round.

Aaron: I don’t want to go to a Dockers game.

Vinnie: You will go with me if you know what’s good for you.

Hiram: Oh, oh. Aaron’s in trouble.

Vinnie: We’re going. I’ve decided. I’m going to buy the tickets. Who’s coming and who’s not going to be a good pride supporter? I’m getting some extra tickets for my brothers.

Liam: I’m in. Jay will come too.

Jamie: I will?

Liam: Yes. There will be more people to watch at the game, and guys on the field are hotter to perv on.

John: Are you saying I’m not hot enough to perv on? I’m in.

Aaron: Fine. I’ll go.

Kee: Tate and I will go too.

Hiram: If the rest of you are going, I may as well.

Kee: What about Shane?

Jamie: Yes. Where’s Shane?

Tate: Shane?????

Hiram: SHANE!!!

Kee: He’s probably got a book.

Vinnie: I’ll ring him and tell him he’s going.

I watched the conversation unfold in front of me, and on Tuesday night, while Ambrose and I were watching TV, my phone started to ring. I reached over and turned it to silent.

“Someone you don’t want to talk to?”

I sighed. “It’s Vinnie. The guys have organized to go to the Dockers game on Saturday. It’s the Pride Round, so they want to go. Apparently they’re going to go and cheer on Micah Johnson.”

“That sounds like fun.”

I didn’t answer.

“You don’t want to go?” he asked in confusion.

I screwed up my nose. “Unless you’re playing, football’s boring.”

Now it was his turn not to answer. Then he said quietly, “Sometimes you do things you don’t really enjoy just because they’re your friends.”

Like buying $250 worth of books?

“So you think I should go to the game?”

“I think friends are the most important people in your life.”

I sighed loudly and picked up my phone.

Me: Fine. I’m in.

Vinnie: YES!

Kee: Yay!

Jamie sent a series of stickers denoting celebrations. Hiram sent some clapping hands. I didn’t get them, because by that time, Ambrose had distracted me with a kiss and we were in my bed, naked.

 

 

I CALLED in sick on Monday and Tuesday and turned up to work on Wednesday, dragging my feet. I didn’t want to leave the bed where it was warm and smelled of sex. Usually I didn’t want to leave bed because there I had a good book. This time I didn’t want to leave Ambrose.

Work dragged worse than usual because I had to catch up two days and I kept thinking of Ambrose, waiting for me at home.

And he was waiting just inside the door.

“You didn’t wake me before you left,” he greeted me.

“Sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you,” I said as I closed the door behind me and stripped off my rain jacket. It was back to the winter showers outside.

He was standing in the middle of my lounge room, propped up on his crutches as usual, a petulant expression on his face. I approached, and he didn’t move. I slowly moved in for a kiss and gave him plenty of time to back out if he wanted. He didn’t, so I kissed him hello, and he kissed me back. I clutched at his shoulders and opened my mouth to him. He pushed his tongue inside with a grunt of satisfaction. With my eyes closed and my senses locked on the sensation of our kiss, I could feel him move, but didn’t bother to stop because he wasn’t pulling out of the kiss. It was only when I heard the crutches crash to the floor did I realize he’d been shedding them.

He groaned and leaned heavier on me.

“I missed you,” he whispered as we paused to get our breath.

“I missed you too.”

He kissed me more and then pulled back to rest his forehead against mine. “I missed you more than just today. I’ve missed you all this year.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

He stood up straight. “Why are you sorry?”

“For ignoring you this year. For pulling away from our friendship.”

Ambrose’s hand tightened on my shoulder. “I didn’t blame you. I was an arse. What I did in December, it was… it was fucked-up. It was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you do it?”

Ambrose took a wonky step away from me and then limped to the couch. He lowered himself gingerly down and propped his leg up on the coffee table.

“My head….” He started only to look ashamed. “Will you listen without laughing?”

I realized I hadn’t even ventured more than a couple of steps from my front door. My jacket and my bag were unceremoniously dumped on the floor, but I didn’t give them a second glance as I made my way to the couch and sat beside him. I turned sideways and drew my knee up so I could give him my full attention.

“Of course I won’t laugh. When have I ever laughed at you?”

He reached out and grabbed my hand. “I don’t know why you’re such a great friend to me.”

I grinned. “Probably because our mums gave us no choice and still don’t give us that choice.”

He knew it to be the truth by the way he grimaced. “I was a crappy friend in school. I ignored you.”

It seriously didn’t affect my life anymore, so I shrugged. “Water under the bridge. What we do as children shouldn’t be held against us as adults.”

For a moment we sat in silence, but he finally found where he wanted to start. “Growing up, you were like my big brother. You got to do all the things first, so I could watch and observe you and then make my own decisions on how to handle the big things in life. Starting high school, first school dance, exams—you did them all first.”

I didn’t see how that had any relevance to last December. Someone had to be first, and I happened to be older.

He went on. “My friends at school talked about sex and girls and masturbation all the time.” He rolled his eyes to show his exasperation. “Sometimes I would join in, but most of the time, I simply found another conversation to enter. I never realized how much they talked about it until much later, because you and I never did talk about sex. So I thought it was normal not to think about it all the time.”

I chuckled. “Oh, Ambrose. I thought about sex all the goddamn time as a teen, but I was desperately hiding that I was gay. So, of course I didn’t talk to you about my thoughts.”

A look of surprise crossed his face. “I never thought about it in those terms. I just knew it wasn’t something that came up in our relationship, so I thought it normal. Coaches and teachers always commented and admired my drive when it came to athletic pursuits, so I thought maybe my mind was so full of that I didn’t have time to think of girls.”

It was true. As a teen he was extremely focused on the game.

“The night you came out to your mum?” He glanced at me, and I nodded. I remembered that night clearly. “I’d already figured you were gay. It wasn’t a big deal to me. But you’d come out to your mum because you wanted to go and have sex with some strange guy. I was shocked. It had never even occurred to me you might want to have sex with guys.” He snorted. “Okay, so I knew that being gay meant you wanted sex with guys, but I didn’t realize you wanted it then. I just always thought of it as a vague future thing you would do.”

That made me chuckle. “Oh, I wanted it. I wanted it bad,” I assured him.

He looked up again, and our eyes met. “That was the first night I realized I wanted it too. With you.”

It was my turn to be shocked. “That was the first night you felt… horny? Like ever?”

He shrugged. “Well, not ever. Of course I jerked off occasionally and wondered what it would be like to have sex with certain people. But it was the first time I’d had an urge to really… want it. I’d always thought that footy took up all my time.”

And for the first time I appreciated the depths of Ambrose’s difference when it came to sex. For a teenage boy to say he only jerked off occasionally? It was so different from my own experience.

I couldn’t speak.

“So, on your advice, I got a girlfriend. You remember Jodie?” Of course I remembered Jodie. “Guys my age were getting girlfriends, so I asked Jodie out. Then we dated for about six months until we finally had sex. It was great. I loved it. We had sex whenever we could.”

“But?”

He gestured with his hand. “But then she dumped me because she fancied another guy—Hunter Mackenzie. Do you remember him?”

Did I remember Hunter? Of course I did. Victims didn’t forget their bullies easily.

“Sure.”

Ambrose frowned at where our hands were clasped together. “I didn’t get it. I didn’t get how she could fancy someone else so easily. But there was algebra and exams and football, so I forgot about it and ended up drafted.”

“You know how proud I was of that moment, right?”

“Yeah. But I was scared. Suddenly I was going to go to Melbourne, and you weren’t there. You’d always been there for me. You’d either led the way or supported me through whatever trial. You helped me with algebra when it was hard. You went to my games, and just knowing you were watching helped me.”

“That’s what friends do.”

“But Melbourne was really high school all over again,” Ambrose said. “Footy, sex, girls, footy. They were the things life revolved around. If you didn’t have a girl, people tried to find you one. And most of the girls who wanted to date footy players purely wanted the brag factor.”

I smiled, suddenly understanding. “And all you wanted to do was play football, right?”

He looked at me, his chin coming up and his gaze piercing all of a sudden. “Play football and hang with you. I mean, I missed Mum, of course, but I also missed you and your mum. You and Elaine are my family too.” We stared for a moment, each lost in memories of those early years of separation. He heaved another sigh. “Then I started hanging around with Dan and Sean. They put us together because we all have Aboriginal in our background. Sean’s family accepted me into their own, and I did a lot of stuff with them. It was almost like having a family of my own.”

He swallowed, and I appreciated how much it was taking from him. I waited quietly.

“So I got a girlfriend and then another. It was expected of me, and they were nice to hang out with. Sometimes they’d get pushy. I learned to choose ones who didn’t want to party all the time. Kendra was great. We were friends as well as more. She liked to have a known footballer on her Instagram, and I liked that she didn’t need me around all the time. It was tiring.”

Whoa. Hang on.

“But you’re at my house all the time,” I put in.

“Yeah, but that’s because it’s you. I’m fine with you being around all the time.”

“Why?”

He gave me a soft smile. “Because you’re quiet when I need you to be quiet and you’re talkative when I need you to be talkative. You go off and read your book, and I’m happy just to know you’re in that other room. It’s being together without having to touch and talk and kiss all the time.”

I looked pointedly at our clasped hands. That earned a chuckle from him.

“Yeah. But that’s because you left me alone all day. This is just hello. You don’t need me to entertain you or take you out, but you’ll come along if I want you to. You go with the flow. You’ve always done that.”

I thought about that, and it was true. Maybe I knew how to read Ambrose and he knew how to read me because we were always in each other’s pockets from childhood. I knew when Ambrose needed to talk and burn off energy, and he knew when I needed to withdraw.

“So, leaving aside the ‘going with the flow’ stuff, I want to know about December,” I said. I hadn’t ever pushed it, but for some reason, it was the right time.

Ambrose sighed. “I was trying to explain what was going on. See, I would be over in Melbourne, and I’d have Dan and Sean, and it would be okay. I had Kendra, and she was so nice, and I really liked her, but she was starting to get on my nerves with all the photos. I loved coming home during season break, because Mum and Elaine would be here, but also you. And you never changed. And I could be me and relax.”

That didn’t sound all that romantic, but I allowed him to go on.

“But last year….” He swallowed again. “I had some trouble with a member of Sean’s family. The people I thought were fully welcoming and family were suddenly accusing me of not being Aboriginal enough.”

Ah. His new push to find his father’s family was suddenly clear. But he wasn’t finished.

“Then Daniel’s wife was having a bad pregnancy, and all Dan could talk about was babies and hospitals. And then Kendra had this sponsorship-deal thing that had her all riled up and talking about moving to the UK, and I….”

I thought about it. If he was no longer welcome at Sean’s family, and Dan was emotionally involved somewhere else, he would’ve had one person left. Kendra. And if Kendra was talking about moving…. “You were lost?”

He squeezed my fingers. “Sort of. Kendra and I, we… well, we were dating, but we both knew it wasn’t serious. I was someone to look good for her business, and she was the shield for me from those who would chuck themselves at me. And sex was… just something we sometimes did. We were friends with benefits. We hadn’t really discussed it, but I don’t think either of us considered monogamy a part of the unspoken deal between us.”

So propositioning me wasn’t the cheating on Kendra I thought it was. But I wasn’t entirely satisfied with that explanation. “Still,” I said. “You should’ve told me this and let me make up my own mind.”

“I know.” He sounded despairing. “But it was… it was running away. I wanted to forget about it all, about what Sean’s brother said, what was happening with Dan, what Kendra wanted me to do, what image I had to keep up with the club. I simply wanted to forget it all and be with you for a bit.”

“Good ole Shane?” I mocked, thinking the worst. “When everything else is going bad, Shane will make it right? Shane will be there. A bit of sex to make you feel okay?”

“No.” His tone was firm. “Nothing like that, Shane. Nothing. Please don’t think that. It was comfort, I admit that, but it’s not only physical. It’s because you don’t want anything from me. You like me, not Bro-Jak. You accept me, whether I’m white or black, or a black man who thinks he’s a white fella. You know me. You don’t care if I can boost your followers or give a donation to your charity. You like and love me for what I am.”

I suddenly understood the depths of his problem. “And then I rejected you.”

Ambrose pulled my hand toward him. “I knew why, and you were right to. But I had all this stuff going on, and it was just one more thing. So I went back to Melbourne to lick my wounds, but then I realized something.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I realized you were right and that the other stuff was temporary and would pass. Kendra would move on. Daniel was moving to his new life, and I couldn’t expect him to remain the same. And Sean’s brother? In a way he was right. All the other stuff I could leave behind. But Shane? I needed Shane.”

I reached up and touched his face. “I’m sorry.”

He turned suddenly to face me but then winced in pain and quickly righted his leg to a better position. But he didn’t lose his intensity. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Shane. Nothing. Please, don’t. It’s me. I shouldn’t have done what I did without explaining the situation, and I shouldn’t have left without talking to you.”

I thought about the anger I had been carrying. “Why did you send me that photo of you partying with Kendra and the other players? It felt like you were saying ‘up yours,’ like you could still have fun and our disagreement meant nothing to you.”

His eyes went wide. “Hell, no. I sent that as a reminder that I existed. I didn’t want you to forget me.”

Forget Ambrose Jakoby? Impossible. I’d tried and failed.

“And why did you send me the picture of you in the shower?”

He blushed hard and sat back on the couch with a snort. “That one was pure self-indulgent. I wanted to tempt you with my fine body. I wanted you back. Over the past couple of months, what I want my life to be like beyond football has become clear to me. So I’m working toward that.”

I shook my head. “Ambrose, you have years of playing still to go. You’re not thinking of quitting football, are you? I’ve seen your grades. You’re not going to make it as a maths teacher, so you’d better stick to playing.”

He laughed as I hoped he would. “No. I’m not going to quit if I can help it.” He reached down to massage his thigh. “I’m thinking there may be reason enough to continue to play. I’m looking to the future instead of just this year.”

My hopes weren’t going to rise. They were not. Nope. No. Never. “And what’s your future going to be like?” My heart was pounding.

His eyes were like deep, endless pools of black.

“I want to make a difference to this world. I want to get involved with my Aboriginal roots and help out those who are struggling with their identity and their place in the world. I want to start up a charity or be a spokesperson for one, to help my people. I want to help young footballers and get them involved in the game. I want to work with children, foster the grassroots stuff for kids who were like me, from a single-mother family.” He blinked just once—I was watching closely and counting. Then he said, “And I want you to come and live with me in Melbourne while I do it.”