Chapter 15

Violet rolled over the next morning to see Cain’s spot in the bed empty. The sound of the shower coming from the bathroom stopped her from panicking. How did they get to this point? It was like they took a step forward and went back—every single time. She wasn’t sure how today would play out, but she also wasn’t sure what else she could possibly do to show him how she felt.

The door to the bathroom opened, and she sat up in the bed.

“Good morning,” she said awkwardly, clutching the sheet to her breasts.

He tossed one of his T-shirts to her but wouldn’t meet her eyes. “ ’Morning.”

She slipped the shirt on and scurried to the bathroom as he finished dressing.

“Coffee and bagel,” he said when she returned, pointing to the table. “We leave in a few.”

“Okay.” She finished tying her sneakers as he sipped coffee with one hand and looked at the screen of his phone with the other.

“Cai—”

“Bagel’s getting cold.” He slipped the bag over his shoulder. “Be right back,” he said before stepping outside. She quickly ate her bagel and contemplated whether to confront him about his sudden change in attitude or just let it go like always. A moment later, with the phone against his ear he came back in and signaled for her bag, and she nodded to let him know he could take it. Still talking on the phone, he grabbed it and went outside.

She huffed a breath, finished getting ready, and left the motel room to find him leaning against his bike, shoulders slumped and head bowed. Why did seeing him this way—which seemed to be a regular occurrence lately—make her feel sorry for him? It made her forget all the things she wanted to say to him.

When he lifted his face and his eyes connected to hers, he gave her a lopsided smile that broke her heart into a million pieces.

“Cain. I think we need—”

“Later, okay? Let’s just enjoy the ride. We have a long way to go.”

“But when we get back, we’ll talk?”

He nodded and helped her onto the bike. She hadn’t realized that the sun was just beginning to rise, and even though she had no idea where they were, it was a beautiful little town. Rolling hills rose on both sides of the narrow road, and every few miles they’d go over a small bridge over a creek or a lake. She held on tight and inhaled the fresh air. A few times during the hours on the road, he’d point to a field full of horses, causing her to smile. He’d squeeze her knee every once in a while, almost instinctively. She’d never wanted to hear his voice more, but he didn’t offer it. The few times they pulled in at a rest stop were quiet affairs.

Nearly seventeen hours later, as the sun began to set, Cain cut the bike’s engine in front of Violet’s apartment. Her thighs quivered from sitting in the unnatural position for so long and her arms and neck were achy. “Ouch! I’m going to hurt tomorrow,” she commented as she swung her leg around.

Cain got off the bike, unpacked her things from the saddle bag and walked her to the door.

“Why don’t you come in? I can make us a sandwich or something,” Violet said as she opened her front door, noting that JL wasn’t home.

“Nah. I’m goin’ to head out.”

“Woof woof. Woof woof.”

Cain’s brow furrowed.

“Don’t mind Bird.”

“Did your parrot just bark?”

“Yes,” Violet groaned. “JL thinks it’s funny to teach it animal noises. Two weeks ago it was meowing.”

“That’s actually very funny.”

“It is. It’s also kind of annoying. When it’s not making animal noises it’s cursing. Not sure which is worse.”

Cain laughed and went over toward the bird cage. “I can’t see your dad going out and buying a parrot.”

“I know. But I think he was lonely.”

“Such a grouchy man—it’s hard to believe.”

“Be nice.”

“I’m just stating facts,” he said, looking at the parrot instead of Violet.

“He was so ornery. Didn’t have many friends. I guess hearing the parrot talk was better than silence. Or at least that’s why I think he got it.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“That’s because you’re partial to silence,” Violet pointed out.

“I don’t see the point in mindless chatter.”

“Sometimes it’s nice to chat with someone you care about. Plus it’s rude not to answer when someone’s addressing you.”

Somehow they ended up standing close together. An inch closer and they’d be pressed against each other. He must have become aware of it also, because he cleared his throat and moved away.

“Wait.” She knew she sounded desperate, but God, she wasn’t ready to let him go.

“I took a job. I’m leaving in a few days,” he blurted out, his voice holding little emotion.

“How long?” she asked.

“A while.”

“How long is a while, Cain?”

“I don’t know. Indefinitely. A month, a year.” He shrugged.

She simply stared at him.

He avoided her eyes and started to walk to the door. “Lock the door behind me,” he instructed.

Something within her just snapped.

She stamped her feet, knowing she was acting like a petulant child, but she was so frustrated. “What is your problem now?” she yelled. “I knew what last night was. I don’t understand why on top of it all you have to start being an ass again! I can’t take it anymore. You wanted to teach me a lesson: sex is a meaningless thing. Okay, I get it. So grow up, Cain. Stop acting like an ass. There’s no need. I fucking get it! You don’t have to push me away so that I don’t get attached.”

The sudden outburst and rare profanity surprised him. His eyes narrowed for a brief moment and it seemed as if he was about to say something, but instead he shut his mouth and ran his hands through his hair. He grabbed the back of his neck and squeezed. He felt so frustrated, like he wanted—no, needed—to get something off his chest but just couldn’t. Not only had it been a long trip back, but he’d barely slept all night. At some point in the middle of the night he’d gotten up from Violet’s arms, dug out the letters and journals Mrs. Edwards had handed him, and sat in a corner to read them. He hoped he’d find some sort of absolution in them, but he didn’t. Not at all.

What he did learn was the things that men didn’t say to other men. All the feelings they kept bottled up inside, laid out in blue ink in the letters and journals Jeremy had written. Those words had likely not ever been meant to be read. It was clear to Cain that Jeremy had had his own demons. For one thing, he’d been scared of losing Violet, but not to another man; he’d been afraid she’d realize she was too good for him, scared she’d forget about him while he was away, scared that she’d get into an accident and he couldn’t get to her quickly enough. He wrote about his fears constantly, and he also wrote about how proud he was of her. How beautiful she was, how he wanted to punch her father in the face for making her feel less than she should. He wrote of their plans for after the wedding. He wanted to move to New York and start their family in a big city, and he wanted to have lots of children. Jeremy also wrote about Cain and how he wasn’t sure he’d have made it that long in the army, in the trenches of Iraq and Afghanistan, without Cain.

All these things went through Cain’s mind as he stood there, Violet watching him. The guilt he’d been carrying for over a decade amplified. It sat on his chest like an anvil. Finally he said, “Jeremy had a crush on you when we kissed.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “What?”

“Long time ago. I’m sure you don’t remember,” he said almost shyly. He held the letters up. “That’s not in the letters or anything. It’s just one of the reasons that…anyway, he really liked you.”

Her eyes widened as he began to pace. Suddenly she burst out, “No! No! You are not running away from me. I see it—I see you want to run off. Not this time. I’ve got something to say.” She poked him with his finger. “Are you talking about our kiss twelve years ago? The one we never talk about? The one you told me meant nothing? Just a favor for your desperate friend? That kiss?” He said nothing, so she continued her rant. “You are implying that I don’t remember that kiss? Are you crazy? Of course I remember it. It was my first kiss—it all but consumed my thoughts.” She stared at him, but he still didn’t answer; all he could feel was the guilt eating away at him, though he did realize dimly that she finally seemed to have put all the pieces together. “Is this all about Jeremy and that kiss?” she demanded. “Because Jeremy had a crush on me?”

“Forget I said anything.” He turned, but she grabbed his arm.

“No! You will not walk out on me again, and I won’t pussyfoot around this. Cain, it happened. It was my first kiss. It meant so much to me, and I should’ve told you all those years ago. I know I was just a dumb kid and you were the cool guys, you and Jeremy, but it meant a lot to me. I don’t know what Jeremy felt or didn’t feel, but I don’t care about that right now. Even to this day, that kiss still holds a special place in my heart. You, Cain, hold a special place in my heart. So there—I said it. I know a sixteen-year-old doesn’t know anything, but I know one thing, Cain. I loved you. I loved you with all that I was, and that kiss meant more to me than you can imagine. When you ignored me afterward, it broke my heart. What you do to me now, constantly leaving me, breaks my heart too. So you can stand there and pretend it never happened. But I’m done pretending. I’m not that kid anymore. You practically drove me into Jeremy’s arms. I didn’t answer Jeremy for weeks when he asked me out in that first letter he wrote after you and he left. I ignored him because I was waiting for you. Waiting for you to write me. To say something about that kiss. Then, when I was ready to give up, you sent that first letter, like you couldn’t break my heart enough by ignoring me. You told me awful things in that letter—that you were sorry you’d kissed me.

“I’m an adult, and I can date and sleep with whomever I wish, especially when I mean so little to you. So unless you plan to admit that I mean something to you—that maybe, possibly, you care about me as more than just a friend—then just stop being an ass to me and let me move on. We go back to being friends, as planned. But if—if—you want something more, then say it right now. I know that I’m not supposed to want anything more than sex. That was the lesson, after all.” She guffawed, but there was no humor in the sound. “But I guess it turns out that I’m not made like that. So let me be very clear with you. This is me telling you that it meant something to me. It did back then, and it does now. If it’s with you, it’ll always—always—mean something to me.”

She wiped the tears and her runny nose, stood up straight, and waited for him to say something. But he didn’t.

“You know what?” she said at last. “Forget it. This time I’ll be the one who walks away! One of us has to leave Tarpon, because I can’t do this anymore. Living in the same small town with the same friends and you hating me—I just can’t do it anymore!”

It took Cain about thirty seconds to process it all. Then: “No,” he said.

She turned to face him, looking startled.

“I have something to say,” he went on. The emotions roiling inside him made it hard for him to speak.

“Finally!” she muttered under her breath.

“I knew Jeremy liked you,” he told her. “I knew he had this huge crush on you, and I kissed you anyway. I was a dick for kissing you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You already said that. That was twelve years ago, Cain. You feel like you betrayed Jeremy? That’s ridiculous. You can’t treat me this way now for something that didn’t mean anything to you, something that, until two minutes ago, you didn’t know meant anything to me. You were a kid. Jeremy was a kid.”

“It’s not that, Violet. It’s…” He rubbed his hand over his face.

“What? What is it?”

He grabbed her shoulders and squeezed. “Goddammit! Stop talking. Let me think,” he said curtly, making her wince.

“Sorry. Shit. Sorry.” He put his hands down at his sides in what felt like a gesture of defeat. “I’m not good at this.”

At last he began, “It meant something to me, too. Never had a kiss mattered so much. I had wanted to kiss you for a long time. It meant a lot to me, Vi. A lot. But I shouldn’t have done it. Jeremy really liked you, and I knew that. It was hard for me to stand by and watch you two together for so many years. All of us always together. Inseparable. He was so in love with you when we left for overseas. When he died…” He choked up a little, but continued. “He loved you, Violet. The night he died, we were ambushed, and I was too far away to get to him. He was already dead by the time I reached him. But…” He reached into his pocket, took out his wallet, and pulled out two folded, tattered pictures. When she unfolded them, he saw tears form in her eyes. It was a strip with three small black and white photos of Jeremy and her at a carnival making silly faces and then another one of the three of them smiling into the camera. “He had these on him all the time. He loved you so much.”

“I loved him too, Cain,” she admitted.

“I know you did. But Violet…” He paced away and ran his hand through his hair, then over his face, before grabbing the back of his neck and letting out a big breath. He came back over to her and placed both his hands on the sides of her neck. “Violet. I loved you too, and he knew it.”

“What?”

“The day he died, we had a big fight. I told him. I told him about the kiss. He laughed about it, because it had been when you and I were so young and it all seemed so silly at that point. It pissed me off that he didn’t think anything of it when it had meant so much to me. But I blurted it out one day because I was jealous. So fucking jealous! He carried that picture around. Told everyone about his girl. Talked about you all the time. And I finally snapped. I told him about the kiss and he fucking laughed. He was my best friend, my brother, and I punched him. Broke his nose.”

There was so much more to say, but he couldn’t go on. He knew she was looking at him, urging him with her eyes to continue, but he couldn’t. He ran his hands through his hair again. “Don’t you understand?” he said at last. “I moved to Tarpon Springs to get away from you.”

The words were like blows, and she took a step back. He instinctively went toward her, but she put her hand out to stop him from coming any closer.

“You sleep with me, then you get pissed for sleeping with me. When I get too close to you, you get mad. When I stay away, you get mad. When I date someone, you get mad. If I’m not dating, you get mad. You ignore me one second, and the next you want to set up an online dating profile for me. You do realize I haven’t asked you for any of those things? Not to find me a boyfriend. Not to stay away. Not to stay close. Nothing. All I’ve ever asked you…the one single thing I’ve asked is for you to be my friend. To love me back.”

“I can’t fucking do that!” Cain yelled.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m already in fucking love with you!”

“What?” she said incredulously.

“You want me to be your friend, to love you that way, but…” He threw up his hands. “I can’t do any of it because I’m absolutely crazy blind stupidly in love with you!”

“You’re wha—” She shook her head as if his words made no sense.

“You heard me, Violet. I’m in love with you. You’re the woman I was talking about when I said I was consumed by love. I moved to Tarpon Springs to get the hell away from you.”

“I—I don’t understand.” Her lip quivered as she spoke.

“The fight I had with Jeremy before he died…some things were said. After I hit him I told him he was selfish for reenlisting. I knew you wanted him to stay with you. I knew that, and I thought he was a selfish son of a bitch. He had you, Violet, this beautiful, smart, funny woman, waiting patiently at home, and he reenlisted! The fight escalated and we stopped talking to each other. I guess he finally understood that I wasn’t just feeling guilty about the kiss; I felt guilty about being in love with you. But what kind of asshole is in love with his best friend’s fiancée? It was the only fight we ever had. In twenty-four years we never really fought. Then that night we were ambushed and…well…” Cain’s voice shook. “He died. My brother, he died hating me.”

Violet began sobbing.

He continued to speak, as if all the words accumulated during those years of being quiet were now rushing out. “I knew he liked you. When we kissed that day, I already knew he was going to ask you out, Violet. He talked about you all the time. I can’t remember a time he didn’t want you. Love you. Shit, I don’t remember a time I didn’t love you either. But he was brave and he took what he wanted, and I stepped aside because I was too stupid and scared to do anything about it. I sent you that letter because he was miserable that you hadn’t answered him. I figured that if you thought I was an asshole, you’d forget about that damn kiss and finally give Jeremy a chance. Twice I betrayed Jeremy. Twice. The day I kissed you, and then falling in love with you and telling him about it. So after he died I stayed away from you. As soon as my time in the army was over, I moved here. I had to get away from you because I don’t know how to not love you. I tried. For years I’ve tried, and I don’t know how to stop it. God, I wish I knew. I thought that if you were busy with another guy, or if I saw you with another guy, I’d move on. Obviously, that hasn’t worked out,” he said with a harsh laugh.

“I can’t keep doing this, Violet. I can’t. You’re right. We can’t both live in Tarpon Springs.” He bowed his head in defeat for a moment and stood gripping the small wall unit that held the television, his knuckles white. Then he pushed off and slammed the top of the table in a frustrated blow, turned, and left.

After Cain stormed out, Violet fell into a chair, shocked. She didn’t know what to think. She didn’t know how long she sat there—it could’ve been minutes, it could’ve been hours. All the memories of Jeremy came flooding back. God, she had loved him.

But also…she remembered some things she’d buried deep within her. Like how she had been mad at him for reenlisting but hadn’t ever mentioned it because she didn’t like to stir things up. But Cain had known.

And she’d hated the way Jeremy had proposed. It had been too public for her taste. She’d hated the engagement ring too. She was a simple girl and the ring was anything but. It wasn’t her. But she’d never voiced that to Jeremy because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Jeremy had always taken care of things. He ordered food for her when they ate out. When she needed a new car, he bought her a car, a Volvo SUV, top of the line. She’d never liked that car, had wanted a cute little convertible, but he had said the Volvo was the safest car on the market. It wasn’t that he was high-handed per se. He had just always wanted to protect her, and she had never said anything to let him know it bothered her. But it did.

Though she had always wanted to work in health care, she had changed majors in college three times before finally deciding on nursing after Jeremy’s death. Jeremy had always discouraged her from becoming a nurse. He would tell her she wasn’t cut out to be a nurse, to deal with blood, guts, and vomit. That she should be in an office, heading some sort of company, wearing a business suit. So her first major had been business administration. Jeremy had thought it was the perfect major for her.

During one of their trips to town on leave, she and Jeremy had gone to Cain’s parents’ house for dinner, and while Jeremy had been busy chatting with Cain’s dad, Cain and Violet slipped out to the porch to drink coffee.

“How’s school?” Cain had asked.

“Great,” she’d chirped.

“Jer said you decided on business?”

“Yes. My professors are real nice. I’m not so good with numbers but I hired a tutor for the macroeconomics.”

“Macroeconomics? I tutored you all the time for math in high school. You barely passed algebra. Why would you study business? You’re going to fail and waste a lot of time and money.”

“Thank for the vote of confidence, jerk,” she’d huffed.

“I’m only being honest.”

The truth was, Cain might have been rough around the edges and possibly tactless, but at the end of the day, he’d always been looking out for her. He’d said what she didn’t want to hear but needed to know. And in turn, she’d never been afraid to call him a jerk or argue with him. In fact, he was the only one she ever really argued with.

“I missed your face,” he’d told her that night on the porch.

“I missed your face too, Cain. It felt longer this time around.”

“It was longer. We’ve been gone over six months.”

Violet was dragged back to the present by the sound of the front door closing. “Hey, chick,” came JL’s voice. “Whatcha doing sitting there in the dark?” She turned on the lights.

“Oh, shit. What happened?” JL said, alarmed, when she took in Violet’s red puffy tear stricken face.

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” squawked Bird.

“That parrot has a sixth sense when it comes to curse words.” JL placed a blanket over the cage to quiet the bird and then came over to sit next to Violet.

“I have to move. I think.” Violet rested her head on the palms of her hands and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Why? What’s going on? Vi, you’re scaring me.”

Violet recounted the conversation with Cain. Well, it hadn’t been so much a conversation as Cain throwing out all sort of things at her he’d been harboring for years, and then walking out. Which had upset her. She had things to say too, but it was if he just threw a live grenade at her and left her sitting on the pile of rubble.

“I don’t know what to do now,” Violet admitted. “And I’m pissed off he left. He always leaves.”

“Well, what exactly do you want to say to him? Why didn’t you tell him you loved him?”

“I thought that it was obvious!” she said exasperatedly. “Besides, how can I say those words now, when I’ve just barely come to terms with having real feelings for him? This started off with me wanting sex, and now I’m in love with him? Everything’s just so screwed up.”

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one remembers to turn on the light.”

“Whoa! I know that’s not you.”

“Thanks a lot. It could’ve totally come from my brilliant mind,” JL said, crossing her arms in mock exasperation. Only a few seconds later she let out her breath in a big puff. “It’s Professor Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books—a much smarter man than I.” She winked. “You told me once that Cain joined the military because his dad made him. Because he was always in fights. The Cain I’ve come to know is actually quite levelheaded and calm, except when it comes to you. It’s hard to see him as a bad kid.”

“I know what you mean, but it’s true. He was always getting in a fight. The first time I remember him kicking the crap out of someone was when I was around nine years old. I went inside my house for a minute, and when I came out, my new bike was gone. We looked for it everywhere—even Cain’s and Jer’s parents joined the search. It was an army base, a safe community, and everyone just thought I’d misplaced it. I remember being so upset that no one believed that I’d parked it right by our porch. The next day, Joey Wells and his brother Donny were in their garage taking it apart as Cain, Jer, and I walked down the street to school. Cain went nuts and beat both brothers up. He got suspended for a week and grounded for a month. Then, this other time when I was about twelve, I was—”

“Let me guess: some boy pulled your pigtail and Cain kicked the boy’s ass. I bet if you think about it, all his fights go back to someone doing you a wrong.”

“What? No. I remember—” Damn, she couldn’t think of a time it hadn’t had something to do with her. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“You two idiots are in love with each other.”

“But…it feels so different than it did with Jeremy.” Violet stood there silently with tears in her eyes.

“Of course it does, honey. You were practically a kid back then. You loved Jeremy, I don’t doubt it. But it was a first love. The woman you’ve turned into—would that woman chose Jeremy or Cain? That’s the question you have to ask yourself.”

JL drew Violet into a tight hug that lasted long enough for her words to really sink in. When she’d fallen in love with Jeremy, Violet realized, she’d been an overweight, self-conscious, giggly girl. Jeremy had been sweet, he’d liked her, and he’d seen the real Violet when no one else did. But she wasn’t that person anymore. The woman she was now wasn’t self-conscious about her body—not really, anyway. She knew what she wanted, and she didn’t want someone who coddled her. She wanted Cain. He supported her, gave her confidence, but also gave her the space to make her own decisions.

“I think you know the answer to this, babe.” JL kissed her cheek and left her to ponder. Suddenly Violet was even more pissed off that Cain had walked out on her, because there were a few things she needed to say to him.