Chapter two
Shell Shocked
Sam
I’m numb. There’s nothing that can be said to fix this. Nothing that can put me back together. I run my hand over my wife’s dark hair as I ID her body and say goodbye.
I bend to place a kiss to her forehead. She’s already cold. My throat tightens. This is just unreal. I just made love to this woman this morning. Incredible soul steering love. It’s never been like that.
I’m having a hard time understanding how she didn’t see this coming. Phoebe Romaine made it seem as if Ellen was almost as gifted as she had been. Phoebe was something else.
I didn’t believe in all that gypsy talk before meeting Phoebe. However, one day in her presence made me a believer. If Ellen was half as talented as her grandmother, why didn’t she see this coming.
I choke on a sob that tries to rise. I’ve pulled myself together as best I can, but seeing Ellen lying here is too much. It makes this real. I take a step back, as if I can step out of the picture and repaint it. As if I can change the strokes and create a different outcome.
Only, there’s no distance that will change this. There’s nothing I can do to make this right. Today, I watched the mother of my children slaughtered in the street. I held her as the life drained from her body.
I’m still soiled in her blood. I turn and punch the nearest wall. The pain that radiates up my arm is nothing compared to the hurt in my heart.
Ellen told me how her cousin was upset about the money their grandmother left Ellen. She made it seem so casual. Ellen didn’t need that fucking money. If I’d known how angry her cousin truly was over this bullshit, I would have written her a fucking check myself. Or put a bullet in her skull sooner.
I feel my little brother place his hand on my shoulder and turn into the embrace he offers. If I don’t, I think I might hit the floor. When I look over his shoulder and watch the nurse pull the covers up over Ellen’s head, my knees do buckle for the second time, in less than an hour.
“We’re here,” Marcus says in my ear. “We’re all here for whatever you need. You won’t do this alone.”
But I am alone. No one around me will ever understand the feeling of being too late. Of knowing you were only seconds away from being able to save your wife. I watched my wife’s murder with my own two eyes.
I have no words for this. So, I say nothing back. I just wrap my arms around my little brother and hold on tight. My dad comes up behind me and places his hands on my shoulders and his forehead to back of my head.
“This too shall pass, Son. Whatever you feel in this moment. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will pass,” my dad breathes as he passes me some of his strength.
I nod my head, trying to understand his words. They rest just on the surface of my understanding. A chill runs through me, causing me to break the hold I have on my brother.
I turn to find a red eyed Czar, standing in the doorway, staring at Ellen’s lifeless frame, beneath the sheet. When his eyes turn to me, he looks lost. Little Tony and Ralphie were his guys. They were supposed to protect my family. Czar trusted them, so I trusted them.
I see the sorrow in Czar’s eyes. I don’t blame him. Not like he should blame me. I failed my wife and his sister. I’m the one to blame for this all. Czar’s next words cut through me like a knife.
“She’s out of surgery. They’re moving her to a private room,” he says softly then turns to leave.
I close my eyes and nod. So, I may have only failed one. It doesn’t feel any better. The vice grip around my heart doesn’t loosen. I may have kept one promise, but I still lost my wife.
All three of my children have lost their mother today. Sammy, I have no idea what this is going to do to him. It kills me that I don’t even know what Ellen has been learning to do for our son. I don’t know how to handle this.
I stagger from the room, feeling my life fall apart from the inside out. I’m imploding. I sway to the side, but someone catches me. I don’t know who, because I can’t see anything anymore.
They’re all just voices and blurred images now. My feet are moving, but I don’t know to where. I just need to get away from here.
~B~
Monique
Everything hurts. My shoulder, my leg, my head, make that everything, my body hurts. My lids feel glued shut. Something isn’t right. I search my brain for answers, but it hurts to think. Each time I try to push, a stabbing pain is my answer.
After the second attempt, I just give up. I hear beeping around me and there are familiar scents in the room. The strong scent of cleanser and something a bit more welcoming.
Czar, my brother’s here. I can smell his cologne. I would know it anywhere. It always smells so good and has a calming effect on me. Knowing Czar is here relaxes me.
I stop fighting the darkness. Czar will always keep me safe. My big brother can handle the bad guys if they come…for now.
When I figure this out, I’ll be ready to handle my own. For now, I just want a little more rest. Yes, I need rest.
Something is very wrong, but Czar is here. I’m safe. Sleep Monique, rest. I give over to the darkness without further protest.