Chapter Twenty-Six
Harper
“…I was broken for a long time, and thought I deserved to stay that way. I’m still not entirely whole. It’s hard for me to get close to someone. But recently someone did knock down my walls, and he made me realize how lonely I was. He saw through my self-loathing and helped me remember who I’ve always been. And that’s a person who is willing to share her deepest secret and shame in order to help others. I hope my story gives you the courage to share yours. Thank you.”
Applause rings out from the group of high school students seated around me in the library. I never imagined being back at my alma mater to talk about Joe. But when I decided to open myself up, I knew this was the place to start. It’s where I met Joe, where we spent a lot of our time together. And it’s where I struggled to get through the days after he drowned. Being back here today, I feel like I’ve lifted a dark cloud from over my head.
“Thank you,” a girl says as she passes me on her way out.
“Thank you for having the courage to share your story,” another girl says.
“Thank you.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you.”
I’m hit with several more acknowledgments, not one of them said with pity.
“Miss McKinney?”
“Hi,” I say to a girl standing before me and chewing her bottom lip.
“I just wanted to say hearing you talk made me feel better about some things. My boyfriend drowned last year.”
My stomach lurches. I didn’t think I’d hear something like that my first time speaking. “I’m so sorry…” I trail off, hoping she fills in her name.
“Kaitlyn.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Kaitlyn. Do you want to sit down and talk about it?” I gesture toward a table and chairs nearby.
“No, thank you. I just thought you’d like to know you’re not alone.”
The back of my throat burns with appreciation and admiration for this young person who is way more together than I was at her age. Maybe more than I am now. The thought is sobering.
“Right back at you,” I say.
She nods and files out with the rest of the students.
“That was a wonderful speech. How are you holding up?” Mrs. Harris asks.
“I’m okay,” I tell my high school counselor. Mrs. H. helped keep me on track after Joe died. She’d insisted I check in with her often and let me hang out in the counseling office when I needed a place to be alone.
“For the first few minutes, I thought I might throw up, but then my stomach settled down when I noticed no one was looking at me like I’d done something wrong. It was more like they could relate.” In the back of my mind I also heard Levi’s encouraging voice, whispering I had this. Even though we’re not together, he’s still with me every day, giving me strength.
“Your sincerity and friendly disposition make you very relatable, Harper. I see good things in your future.”
“That’s nice of you to say. Thanks.”
“Have you spoken to Joe’s parents?”
I hang my purse over my shoulder, ready to walk out. “I haven’t. But I sent them a letter and told them all about JAMF. We’ve emailed since then, and I hope next year when we do our first big fundraiser that they attend. Joe’s sister is here, though, and”—I pause for a moment to gather myself—“she’s agreed to be on my board of advisors.”
Mrs. H. opens the library door for me. We face each other outside under the awning. “That’s great. I’m really proud of you,” she says, and gives me a hug. “Can I get you to come back sometime?”
“For sure.”
I’m so sure that on the drive home I stop and pick up cupcakes to celebrate this small victory with Teague. My first talk went well. Better than well. I didn’t hyperventilate. I’m not freaking out over anything I said. My heart is beating a steady rhythm. I haven’t perspired through my shirt. And best of all, I have no regrets.
“Hey Tea,” I call out when I walk through the door.
Teague spins around on the couch. “Hi! How’d it go?”
“Fantastic. I brought us cupcakes to celebrate.” I put the Sprinkles boxes on the kitchen counter. “It’s the least I could do after the pep talk you gave me.” Slipping off my shoes, I walk over to my best friend.
“Congratulations! But you shouldn’t have. I knew you’d do great.” She settles back into the couch with her head down over her phone.
“What the hell?” flies out of my mouth the second I see what she’s looking at.
She spares a glance over her shoulder. “Problem?” she asks sweetly.
“What is that?” I say, pointing to the picture of Levi and Madison looking way too chummy. I loom. Loom over my roommate because all sorts of unfriendly emotions are suddenly rioting inside me.
“Levi and Maddy?” Her innocent tone is infuriating.
I round the couch and angrily sit down. “Yes, I can see that. What are they doing?”
“You didn’t think he’d pine away for you forever, did you?”
“No, but…” I wanted to think he would. I sag against the cushion, the weight of what I’ve done sinking into my muscles.
Saturday night, everyone went out to have a good time with Levi before he leaves for Australia. Everyone except me. I was invited, of course, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I still miss him too much.
“Here’s another good one.” She turns the phone so I can see a picture of Madison and a girl I don’t know with their arms around him. He’s smiling.
I’m too upset to say anything. I want to claw those girls’ eyes out—and Madison is a friend! My stomach churns. Now I think I may be sick.
“We missed having you there,” Teague says. “I wish you would have come. Oh! Look at this one.” She flips the phone again. This time it’s Levi and Elliot with Madison in the middle. I look a little closer. Is that Elliot’s hand on Madison’s boob?
Teague watches for my reaction. Why is my best friend torturing me like this? She knows I’m still in love with Levi. She makes me talk about shit I don’t want to talk about on a weekly basis.
“Oh, and there was this girl there visiting from Australia! She was super nice and super cute. I think I have a picture…here it is.” Once again she flashes me a picture I don’t want to see. “She said Levi’s name with the best accent.”
“Stop!”
Teague flinches in surprise and tucks her phone away. She’s not ashamed, though, or mad that I yelled. No. She’s smug.
“You wanted me to see those pictures on purpose.”
“Of course I did! You’re being a butthead.”
I want to go to my room and curl into a ball on my bed. I know I am. I know I’ve screwed up the very best thing to ever happen to me. But I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve ignored all of Levi’s attempts to get in touch over the past month, thinking we were both better off.
“I know,” I mutter.
“Then do something about it.”
I want to. I want to so badly. The thought of never being with Levi again kills me. But I can’t get my brain to coordinate with my body. It’s like I need to step over hot coals to get to him. All I have to do is take that first step, and then I can run across the rest and fall into his arms. If only I could gather the courage to do it, and know he’d still be there to catch me.
“He misses you, Harp.”
“It’s too late.”
“It’s not.”
“Even if it isn’t, he’s leaving. And leaving to be in the ocean day in and day out. I don’t want to think about that.”
You will anyway.
“I’ve got to get ready.” I jump to my feet, done talking about it. “I’m meeting Chad in an hour.”
“You’re really going on a date with him?”
“No. I’m meeting him for drinks.”
“That’s your version of a date.”
I pause before walking down the hall to change clothes. “It’s my version of getting my mom off my back.” She thinks meeting her best friend’s son is a great way to get me out of my funk. And maybe she’s right. Chad may be just the guy to get my mind off my troubles. I’m willing to give him a shot.
Because no matter what, I’m a better person than I used to be, and whatever funk I’m in isn’t permanent. It comes down to me letting it go.
“Fine. But Harp?”
“Yeah?”
“Your heart is your friend, not your enemy. Listen to it.”
I spin around before she can see how deeply I feel those words and wish it were that simple.
My room is a mess, clothes everywhere, the bed unmade. I’ve managed to keep my closet semi-clean, though, and pull out my favorite little black dress. I remind myself what a successful afternoon I had. Tonight, I’m going to celebrate it.
Chad is waiting for me at a high cocktail table when I walk into the upscale bar on Sunset. It’s been at least a year since we’ve run into each other, and the months have been good to him.
“Hi,” he says, standing to kiss my cheek and pull out my barstool “It’s great to see you. Thanks for meeting me.”
“I think we owed it to our scheming moms.” I wiggle into a comfortable position and put my small purse down on the table.
“I’ll be sending them both a thank-you tomorrow. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
He lifts a finger to snag the attention of a waitress. It’s Monday, so there aren’t a lot of customers, and she quickly reaches us. I order a Madras. He orders a beer.
“I’m trying to remember when we last saw each other,” he says.
“Someone’s party, right?”
He snaps his fingers. “That’s it. Down in Malibu.”
I nod. “You were with a girl with really big…”
“Teeth,” we say at the same time, then crack up. She also had really big boobs, and he knows I remember that, too. It was impossible not to notice them in her ill-fitting top.
“I hear you’ve started a foundation,” he says.
“Yes.” I go on to tell him about it. He listens attentively. Asks questions. Tells me he’s impressed.
This is not the Chad I remember. He’s changed from an arrogant ass to a charming flirt. We order a couple of appetizers. He fills me in on the tech firm he works for. They supply editing software for film companies.
My mind immediately goes to Levi.
“Dollar for your thoughts,” Chad says. Shit. Could he tell I wasn’t really listening?
“Not a penny?”
“Nah. I think your thoughts are worth a lot more.”
Cheesy, but complimentary nonetheless. This guy deserves my full attention.
We talk about mutual friends, our families, and why Hollywood seems to be remaking the same movies over and over again. I liked The Mummy. He didn’t. I also liked Baywatch. He looks like he wants to throw up in his mouth when I say that. Um, hello? Swimming is my jam, and there were shirtless hotties. Finally, around ten, we’re ready to call it a night.
He puts his hand on the small of my back as he opens the bar’s front door for me. The cool night air puts goose bumps on my legs.
“Thanks for a nice night.” I pull my car key out of my purse.
“I had a great time catching up and getting to know you better,” he says sincerely. He brushes the hair off my bare shoulder, his fingers gently grazing my skin. It’s different than his palm on the back of my dress. Without thinking, I take an abrupt step back. Normally a gesture like that from a guy I spent a few pleasant hours with wouldn’t bother me, but the thought of anyone touching me who isn’t Levi sparks a devastating ache down to my core.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay.”
His friendly eyes study me. “I’d love to see you again.”
My heart pounds. My ears ring. Car traffic blares around us. Light from streetlamps, storefronts, and flashing billboards swirls around my head.
“No rush,” he adds when I don’t immediately answer. “And no pressure. How about I get in touch this weekend?”
“Okay.”
“Great.” He smiles. It’s a nice smile, but it’s not— “Can I walk you to your car?”
I nod. He makes no further moves, just sees me safely off then walks away. I’m parking at home when a text sounds on my phone. It’s my mom. Well?
Well.
Chad is great. He’s smart, good-looking, funny, and no longer takes himself too seriously. He laughed when I told him I hated him in seventh grade for not liking bulldogs.
But.
I’m not attracted to him whatsoever. Not even the tiniest bit. I know what my mom will say. She’ll say give it a chance. Sometimes it takes time for attraction to bloom. I’m pretty sure Chad’s ready to pollinate me right now if his peeks at my legs and cleavage are any indication. Once upon a time, I would have let him.
I unlock the guesthouse. There’s a note from Teague on the kitchen counter.
Sorry! I couldn’t wait to share cupcakes. They were calling my name! I left you half of each one. I’m spending the night at Mateo’s. Text me if you need me. Love you! PS You’re a good, kind person Harper McKinney, and you deserve happy things that start with an L. Don’t forget that.
Levi.
Love.
Love and Levi.
My best friend sure knows how to postscript.
A stupid tear rolls down my cheek. I may have been out with Chad tonight, but there wasn’t a second that my heart wasn’t with Levi.