Three months later
First loves are always messy. Remembering that boy in high school that you swore you were going to marry and live happily ever after with. And just like a rug being swept out from under your feet, you find yourself dying of heartache because he broke up with you. You know, that first true love you planned every single detail of your wedding day and the seven kids you already named? But then one day, he breaks up with you over text because college is coming up and long distance isn’t in his plan. You cry and cry, asking how he could have done this to you. How you two were so madly in love. And he just… he just doesn’t feel the same way anymore. You wonder how that’s possible. How love is something that just turned off for him while you find yourself drowning in a sea of heartbreak and desolation. And from this moment on you swear never to love again. It hurts too much.
I woke up that morning before the sun peaked through the shades, and when Chase got up and used the bathroom, I left. I took the coward way out and chose not to see us through. I didn’t even give him the chance to say goodbye. After everything he confessed, I still ran away from facing the truth, more heartache, love, and possibly my only happily ever after.
My simple world was collapsing around me ever since Chase Green fell into my life. I was struggling to recognize the person I was becoming. My once stiff backbone on love had weakened. I’d become soft. And weaknesses caused consequences. Life wasn’t so simple anymore. It wasn’t so easy allowing life to roll off my shoulders with no care.
I couldn’t see past what was already done. Maybe I just didn’t want to. I was being selfish. So, I made a decision for both of us that morning when I walked out. The last time I would have contact with him.
I came home and broke. If I didn’t think I was broken before, this time I was shattered. My world had literally crumbled around me. I knew in time I would regrow the walls I allowed Chase to break down. I also knew I needed to put them up even stronger than before. But I had to leave. If it wasn’t that morning, it would have been one day. This way I called the shots. He thought he loved me, but he was wrong. I chose to walk before he realized the mistake he made and crushed me all over again.
One day he would realize.
And I wouldn’t be anyone’s mistake. I wanted to be their forever. And I’m not sure that was ever in the cards. I know it wouldn’t have been with Chase. So, I made the choice for both of us.
Little did I know, walking away that day wasn’t even the hardest part. It’s the memories, the struggle, the pain I feel day and night at my decision. How many times I broke down and almost called him, begging him to forgive me. To take me back if he’d have me. Confess what my heart should have long ago, that it was beating just for him. And without him, I was struggling to breathe.
It took the masochistic side of me, which will never fully allow myself to be happy, to convince myself this is how it had to be. And so, I suffered through the sobs. The guilt. The regret. And the pain. I told myself it would lessen. I would move on. And each day it did. I stopped getting sick from crying so hard. I stopped searching for signs that would lead me back to him. I stopped watching those sports channels hoping to get a glimpse.
I disconnected my phone on the third day I got home. Chase didn’t give up on us like I did. He fought. My phone never stopped ringing. The messages, the voicemails. They continued for days until I called and cancelled my service. Worried he would show up at my apartment, I camped out at Randy’s for almost a month. I couldn’t avoid work, but with the effort he was making to talk to me, it was inevitable he would sooner or later show up at the bar. I just prayed I wouldn’t be there.
It was five weeks after my devastating decision when he walked into Anchor.
I’m filling up a round of drafts, my mind in a fog. I beg for the night to end, because it’s so tiring pretending that I’m this person I’m not. Happy. I’m not happy. God, I can’t even remember the last time that word meant something to me.
The entrance to the bar opens, the wind bringing in a cold chill. I welcome it as it makes me feel somewhat alive, knowing I can still feel something. I don’t pay attention otherwise and continue filling the glasses. It’s when I feel Randy’s hand on me that I snap out of my daze.
“Unless this is what you’ve been waiting for, I suggest you go hide in the office.”
Confused, I read the look in her eyes and turn to the door. A part of me doesn’t need to see him to know it’s him. He’s always had that pull over me. I watch Chase brush off the cold from his jacket as he looks around at his environment. The bar is wild as always. A live band playing in the back while patrons overconsume.
My heart stops at the sight of him as his vision looks around getting closer to making contact with mine. It’s mere seconds. Three, two, and I’m gone. I don’t wait for him to see me. I can’t. The time that’s passed does nothing for my healing process. My heart beats so fast I fear the result if I don’t give it what it wants. I stand in the doorway of the back office as I watch him scan the bar. He notices Randy and then Dex. He stops as his eyes land at the far end of the bar. Disappointment shines in his vision when he doesn’t find what he’s looking for.
Go to him, Katie. Stop this nonsense.
My heart pushes me to go to him. But my feet won’t move. They know better. They know that life isn’t about allowing my silly heart to run the show.
I watch him make his way to the bar and flag down Randy.I fight to read what he’s saying. It’s when Randy makes the mistake of glancing toward the office that I know. He’s asking if I’m here. I back myself farther into the corner so he can’t see me. I know Randy will tell him I’m not here. She knows if I want to be noticed I would be.
“Listen, I just want to talk to her, please. I’m not here to start trouble.”
“That’s great, babe, but she’s not here.”
I watch him look back toward where Randy accidentally glanced.
“And for some reason I feel like you’re lying to me. Please.” Chase won’t take his eyes from the corner. I swear he cannot see me, but then again. That pull between us. He knows.
“Well, I don’t know what to tell ya, but she isn’t here.”
“Katie, please!” he yells above the crowd.
“Yeah, buddy. No need to do that. I can tell her you stopped by.” Randy tries to block him from staring at the back door. She attempts to stand in his line of vision, but he sidesteps her.
He raises his voice. “Tell her that I love her.”
I swipe at the tear falling down my face as I watch Randy’s mouth open slightly. “Yeah… um—”
Chase cuts her off. “I know she’s here. I can’t leave without seeing her. Talk to her. Katie! Please. Let me just hear your voice.”
Randy gasps at his statement as I choke on a sudden sob.
“Chase, I would love to help you out, but if she wanted to see—”
“You heard her. She ain’t here.” Dex comes out of nowhere, looking like the predator he is. He stands next to Randy, overpowering her and blocking any view of the back.
Chase puts his hands up. “Listen, man, I’m not here to cause trouble. I just want to talk to my girl.”
“Oh, shit,” Randy cusses under her breath.
Dex clenches his jaw, pressing his closed fists onto the bar. The condition Dex saw me in when I came into work tonight causes him to want to murder someone. Mainly Chase. I fought it off claiming it was the flu, possibly Cryptococcal meningitis, but he knows better. He uses social media about as much as I do, but he does listen to chatter. And the bar is full of it. It’s been impossible to deny every single rumor, story, speculation about why I dropped out of the signing, again.
“First off, pretty boy, she ain’t your girl. She wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for your type.”
Little does Dex know.
Chase’s defenses go up immediately, taking a challenging step closer to the bar. “Oh, yeah? ’Cause you’re her type? I’m pretty sure she deserves more than just being sex to someone.”
Oh fuck. Why did I ever mention Dex to him? I can’t see Dex’s expression with his back to me, but the way Randy stiffens tells me it’s scary. My heart takes another hit, knowing that’s gonna hurt Dex. Not that it wasn’t true, but, well, we all know, truth hurts sometimes.
“Listen, I’m not here for you. Just let me talk to her.”
“Not a fucking chance. Fuck outta my bar.”
I’m silently begging Chase to just leave. I’ve seen the damage Dex can do when he’s worked up.
“I’m not leaving until I speak to her. Katie!” He starts moving down the bar.
I panic, afraid he’ll see me, and cower farther into the corner. Once again Dex blocks him.
“I ain’t askin’ again.”
“Then do your worst. I’m not leaving. Katie!” He darts to the end of the bar just as I throw myself behind the door to the office. “Katie, please. I love you, please talk to me. Please don’t do this.”
There’s so much anguish in his voice. I can see his reflection and he looks just as bad as he sounds. His hair is a mess. His face has a layer of scruff to it. He’s not his normal put together self.
“Katie, I know I hurt you. I know I lied, but I never lied about how much I love you. How much you’ve changed my life. I want you to know I get it. The whole love broken thing. For so long, I thought I knew what love was. The fulfillment of just having someone sleeping in your bed and the meaningless chatter. But I get it now. It’s all bullshit. Because love is something you feel so deep it’s not about those superficial things. It’s about how my heart swells when I think about you. How my chest hurts whenever I can’t be near you. Listen to the sounds you make when you sleep. When I can’t be the reason why love isn’t broken for you anymore.
“And to know I broke what I was helping mend. I’m a fucking mess. I hate myself. And I just wanna fix it.” He stops to inhale much needed air. He throws his hands into his unruly hair and continues. “I need you to know I get it. I get why Abby needed to prove why it wasn’t about the outside bullshit that makes love work. I lied. Abby’s number one rule on why love is broken. I wanted to prove to you I’d never hurt you. And I did just that.
“I deserve all the anger, all the hate you have for me. And I’ll gladly accept it. If it just meant I’d get to see you. Hear your voice. Be near you. Please. I’ll take anything.”
His last words break the final string that was holding me together. I shut the door to the office and ball my eyes out. The loudness of the music and bar chatter doesn’t lessen the sounds of Chase yelling my name and commotion as Dex throws Chase out of his bar.
I never asked if he hurt him. I didn’t want to know. I think everyone was hurting in their own way after that night. Dex wouldn’t even look at me after. And I couldn’t blame him. I should have never shared our personal relationship with Chase. I could tell he was hurt. I lessened what we had by Chase’s comment. And not that he wasn’t telling the truth, but we had more than just the bedroom. It wasn’t the emotional kind like I shared with Chase. It wasn’t filled with words and late-night talks, meaning, and long-term commitment. But it was unique. In its own way there was a sort of love there. Just not the kind we both needed or deserved.
I didn’t know how to fix it, so I didn’t. I ran away from it once again. I left that night, leaving a note on Dex’s desk, quitting. I wasn’t the fun, easygoing bartender anymore everyone loved to spill their beans to while drinking booze. I was angry and doubtful of everything and everyone. I wasn’t easy to be around, and it affected work. My friendships. Well, the three I had.
Randy did her best to stay happy for both of us, but that gets tiring after a while. She got tired of it and ended up giving me the ‘shape up or ship out’ speech, and as the quitter I’ve become, I shipped out.
I don’t know why I couldn’t just bring myself to forgive Chase that night. He had a reason, and after listening, I understood why he did it. But that stubborn side of me told me to walk away. In the end, it wouldn’t change things. I thought that by hearing him out, I would feel some sort of closure. Giving myself the ability to walk away easier. But that door was open wider than it was before. And let me tell you, it’s so fucking cold out, I fear my heart freezing to death.
Chase left that night, and I haven’t heard from him since. He may have tried to reach me, but I wouldn’t know. I came home that night and packed my things. Stuff that meant something to me, which wasn’t much, and I grabbed Gerdie, a rental car, and left. Where I was going I had no idea. I drove for almost two days until I made it to the end of the earth. Well, it felt that way, when I landed in a small town in Blue River, Oregon. There was nothing but forest, mountains, and time. It was exactly what I was looking for. I rented a cabin in the woods and it became my solace for the next two months. I can’t really say what I did the whole time. A lot of soul-searching, I guess.
I spent most of my days sitting outside on the wraparound porch thinking about my life. Where would I be if my parents were still alive? Would I have graduated college? Been in some fancy job, free of all my bad choice tattoos and possibly married with a family? Would I be happy?
I wonder how my life would have turned out if that drunk driver didn’t take it upon themselves to get on the road that night and ruin so many lives. I became angry with my parents for leaving me. Taking away the life I could have had. I cried because I wished they were here to be angry with. What I wouldn’t do to be able to hug my mom just one more time. Listen to her sing while cooking dinner. Hear the laughter of my father when he finished telling a horrible joke. Acceptance is a hard feeling to conquer. Accepting that this is now your life. Accepting that they were never coming back. And the biggest, accepting that life isn’t fair. Because it rarely ever is.
The one thing I did do surprisingly is sit down and write. I wrote a story about a girl who thought real love wasn’t out there. She fought, bashed, and rallied against it. She wanted people to stop searching for the fake version and allow the real true love that was out there in. Because when you aren’t so busy fighting against it, it tends to be something really great.
This story was about a girl who learned a valuable lesson. She learned love was out there. That it was messy, and it hurt. It was fulfilling but also very much scary. But if she just took a chance at it, it could be something that created this forever world of hope. That happily ever after.
In this story, the girl finds just that. But she’s scared. She spent her entire life running away from love. Or at least what she knew of it. She didn’t want to be hurt the way so many people were. She wanted to be guarded and safe. Until one day her life changed. She met a boy. He was kind and funny. He was gentle with her when he needed to be and rough when she wanted him that way. He made her laugh and cry. Smile more than she ever knew possible. But most importantly he made her love.
And she loved deep. It was so deep it scared her. So much that when things got tough for them she ran. She didn’t want to be fooled by a love that would hurt her. She knew her heart couldn’t handle it. So, she ran away from the boy who made her feel whole. Only to make herself feel even more empty.
In due time, the pain lessened. But not enough to live. To truly live. She knew people sometimes only get one chance at love. Sometimes people go through their entire lives never being able to experience the feeling of loving someone so deeply. Being loved that way in return. And she knew. That maybe she needed to face her fears. She needed to open herself up and let the unknown in. Because that unknown could just possibly be her own happily ever after.
So, she did.
She did what she was secretly scared to death to do and face the boy who once upon a time loved her. But the fearful question was if he still did.
Does time heal a broken heart? Does it change what the heart truly desires? She had those thoughts suffocating her as she made her way back to that boy for answers.
Because she was ready to face her fears. She was ready to finally open herself up. She just hoped it wasn’t too late.