Chapter Fourteen
The pastries had been scarfed, the coffee sipped, and everyone began to shuffle in their seats, checking their phones as they looked ahead toward their respective days. All signs that Breakfast Club was winding down. Hadley, for one, had a lot on her to-do list: orders, delivery, and the negotiating of some important vendor contracts for the upkeep of the building. The less glamorous side of fashion. She let her mind linger on those mundane work tasks as long as possible, a tactic she’d developed over the last few weeks, ever since Spencer had left for Paris. It had been good for her self-preservation. Well, what little there was. Going through her day with a conscious sterility was her new normal.
Just as she reached for her bag, Autumn exchanged glances with Gia and Isabel, who each gave her a silent nod. She set the bag down again. Interesting. Hadley watched as Autumn sat a little taller in her chair and tucked a strand of curls behind her ear. “Before we go, Had, I think we’d all like to check in on you.”
“On me?” she asked. “Why? What did I do?”
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Gia said, with kindness in her eyes. “You’ve just not been yourself lately.”
Hadley scoffed, knowing full well she was downplaying, but not willing to concede. “Not sure what you mean. Yes, I’ve been a little sad that Spencer left, but I’m still me.”
“You’re robot-you,” Isabel said forcefully. “And it’s killing my soul. You don’t smile. You don’t joke. You never gush, and you’re our resident gusher. You barely contribute at Breakfast Club, just nodding along like someone’s programmed you to do so, and it makes me so sad I could melt. I mean, when was the last time we had an ‘Oh, my dear goodness’? I can’t even remember the last time!”
Autumn held up a hand for Isabel to throttle back. “I think what Isabel is trying to say, in maybe extra-dramatic terms, is that we’re all really worried about you.”
Hadley nodded. “I appreciate that.” She didn’t expand or explain herself further. She didn’t have the capacity. Deep down she felt like the robot version of herself and wasn’t sure how to get out from underneath that without completely falling apart. She hadn’t shed a tear over Spencer. She couldn’t or it would all come tumbling down, and then where would she be?
“And?” Isabel asked.
Hadley blinked. “And I’m managing.”
“Yeah, but you’re not Hadley,” Isabel said.
“Look, guys, I’m doing the best I can, okay?” She retrieved her bag and stood. Her tolerance fell to an all-time low. “I’m sorry that I’m not as cheerful as I normally am. I’ll work on gushing over you all more later.”
“No. Wait,” Gia called to Hadley, as she headed for the door. “That’s not what we meant. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Okay. Then I’m not sorry,” Hadley said, with measured control. “Just trying to get by, guys.”
Gia nodded sadly. Isabel stared at the table in defeat and Autumn looked at her with so much sympathy that Hadley had to turn away or risk losing it entirely.
“I’ll see you all later,” she said over her shoulder, and hurried the hell out of there.
Silhouette, while the best place to distract herself from the memories that tended to tap her on the shoulder when she least expected it, was still not a stress-free environment. When she’d explained to Trudy that they wouldn’t be getting Spencer’s order after all, the exchange had been heated.
“What do you mean she’s now designing for Bertrand?”
Hadley lifted one shoulder. “Claudette Fournier offered her a job, and Spencer pulled the order.”
“The hell she did,” Trudy said, and rifled through the papers on the desk. “We have a contract.”
“With an out,” Hadley said, pointing to the second page, fourth paragraph. “She’s taking it.”
Trudy turned to Hadley and removed her glasses, dropping them on the desk with a thud. “I put this in your hands.”
“I realize that.”
“And now I’m hugely disappointed. What do you suppose we do now? We’re late on any kind of replacement and will be waiting in line now behind everyone else for inventory from our standard designers.”
“I realize that. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t help anyone, Hadley. Does it?” Trudy made clicking sounds with her mouth which is what she did when she was too furious to vocalize. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off, while I try to sort out your mess?”
“Let me do that. I can call around and reorder—”
“Oh, I think you’ve done quite enough, don’t you? Lesson learned.” She made a show of dusting off her hands. “I’ll handle all the big decisions from here on out. You can ring up sales. How would that be?”
Hadley nodded. She swallowed any further response to the demoralizing declaration, collected her things, and returned home, where she stared at the wall for a short period before retreating to the solitude of her bed. The awful day at work was one thing, but her inclination was to call Spencer and tell her all about it. The fact that she didn’t have that luxury any longer cut deeper than any guilt trip Trudy could lay at her feet. No tears, however. None.
Now that it was weeks later, she’d gotten better at the stoic maneuvering. If her friends didn’t care for it, there was very little she could do for them. When she arrived at work after the semi-intervention at Breakfast Club, Hadley was shocked to see Daisy dressing a mannequin in the green skirt and top from Spencer’s collection. It didn’t add up. She surveyed the room, surprised to see most all of Spencer’s clothes on display.
“Why do we have these?” she asked Daisy, as she touched the fabric from the military jacket she was so fond of.
Daisy moved closer and glanced around to make sure they were alone. “From what I could piece together from paperwork and overheard conversations, Spencer Adair didn’t pull the order in the end. I heard Trudy on the phone a couple of weeks back. Something about Spencer negotiating with Bertrand to fulfill all existing orders and Bertrand finally giving in and allowing her that leeway.”
Hadley nodded. Spencer had gone to bat for her, even after they’d said goodbye. Her heart ached and pulled, but she pushed past it. “Fantastic. I’m sure she’s going to sell well. A coup for us. Did the FedEx representative stop by yet?” she asked, back to business as usual as she headed back to the office.
“No. Haven’t seen him.”
“Great. Let me know when he’s here.”
Daisy smiled. “Will do.”
“Appointments today?” Hadley asked.
She quickly flipped through the schedule. “I have three before lunch.”
“I’ll make myself available on the floor shortly.”
“Thanks, Had,” Daisy said, and went back to work.
Just a regular day. Her life itself wasn’t all that much different from before Spencer Adair had walked into it. The difference was in Hadley herself. Now that she knew what it was to have that person who she longed for and shared so much with, it was hard to revert to a life barren of those overflowing feelings. She felt like a cleared-out, desolate warehouse. She missed Spencer, and not just the role she filled in Hadley’s life. She missed Spencer herself. The way she tolerated Hadley’s wild hairs and spontaneous whimsy with a secret smile hidden away, or the way she looked after Hadley kissed her when she wasn’t expecting it, or showcased her sarcastic charm with a dry quip that came out of nowhere. That didn’t even touch on their amazing sexual compatibility, or the tenderness they shared late at night afterward. Spencer had opened her eyes to a part of life she’d always hoped for but had never quite experienced. Now that she had, how was she supposed to settle for less without this kind of fallout?
No. Spencer was her big bang, and now she was gone. That’s all there was to it.
She scrubbed away the feelings and focused on the here and now. Better to be numb and barren than experience the depth of her loss at full volume. Yep. Safer to feel nothing at all.
* * *
Paris was turning out to be everything Spencer had always imagined it would be. Well, outside of the rain there’d been so much of. She’d been in town six weeks and was beginning to find her footing at Bertrand. She’d been given her own office with a high-end drafting table and a handful of assistants she could call upon should she need anything. It was entirely different from anything she was used to, and flattering, too. Did she feel like a fish out of water? Hell, yes, but Gerhard (pronounced with a hard G, apparently) had taken her under his wing for mentoring.
“Let me see,” he said of her sketches, one afternoon. He tossed his blond hair out of his eyes in a dramatic fashion as he studied her work. “Yes, yes, definitely yes, no.”
“You don’t like the burgundy?” she asked, taking the offending sketch from his hands.
“The texture is not to be loved,” he explained in his French accent. “It makes me feel heavy. Sad. Blah.” He made a show of looking weighed down and depressed. “The rest is so light. Find your lightness, Spencer.”
“Gotcha. Good note,” she said, and returned to her table. Throughout her work weeks, she called on him with questions about the process, timeline, and structure of Bertrand and even where to find something comparable to coffee creamer. Honestly, the transition had been a smooth one. Claudette, herself, had even stopped by to welcome Spencer and see if there was anything she needed. There actually wasn’t. They had taken care of her, and then some. These people were the real deal.
The company had arranged for a small one-bedroom apartment for her not far from their building. She could walk to work or take the metro just one stop. How easy was that? In her time there, she’d adventured to cafés, bookstores, and all the expected tourist sights. Sitting across from the Eiffel Tower late one night with a latte in one hand and a warm chocolate chip cookie in the other, Spencer tried to marinate in the beauty of the city. The beauty she knew innately was there. She could see it easily enough with her eyes, but she was having trouble feeling it. She thought back to the walk she took with Hadley on the canals, and how being there with her, looking down at the “duckling gentlemen” that swam past, had her on such a high. It was because she saw them through Hadley’s eyes. When she was with Hadley, she saw—no, felt—the beauty in most everything. What an amazing gift that was.
At a loss, she took out her phone, needing to reach out and connect with someone. While she wanted more than anything to call Hadley, maybe Kendra could talk her through her rough patch. She dialed and waited, only to have the call roll over to voice mail. She listened to the outgoing message, so familiar, and such a strong reminder of home. She clicked off the call with a sigh and stared off into the night feeling more cut off from the world than ever.
She decided to walk as she ate her cookie, smiling at the couples cuddled together to fight off the November cold. They took selfies with the tower and laughed and kissed and did all the things Spencer might have rolled her eyes at just a year ago. Now she felt physical pain square in the center of her chest as a result of acute jealousy. She imagined taking one of those photos snuggled up to Hadley, inhaling the gentle scent of her hibiscus shampoo.
She tossed the cookie and headed home.
She had Paris, yes, but did this version of Paris even matter in the larger scheme? Everything came with a price, but sometimes it was simply too high. The cold wind blew and she pulled up the hood of her jacket and contemplated her life, her future, and her place in the world. She glanced back at the shimmering tower and blinked, looking to it for guidance, feeling pulled in a million different directions.
Everything she thought she knew felt so very foreign to her right now. She nodded to the tower, turned, bowed her head, and walked what felt like the very lonely streets of Paris.
* * *
Hadley sat among various piles of her childhood belongings, taking a moment as her gaze passed over each toy, trinket, or book from her past. Her dads had continued their decluttering process now that the house had officially been remodeled and asked Hadley if she wanted to retain any of the nostalgic items for herself. She’d made the trip to Calabasas for dinner with the dads, and now that the homemade pizza (courtesy of Papa) had been consumed, she sat quietly with the remnants of her youth stacked around her like protective walls. The old Hadley would have struggled to part with that tennis trophy from high school, as it held such sentimental value and reminded her of a much simpler time. She glanced over at the music box with the puppies on top that she’d play each night before bed until she hit the seventh grade when she’d decided it was, sadly, too juvenile, only to resume the practice one short year later. The old Hadley wouldn’t have parted with the music box for anything. The current version of herself, however, saw the value in letting go and not holding on to things too tightly.
“So, what are we saving?” her Papa asked, drying off his hands from the last of the dinner dishes.
She glanced around. “Nothing. Let’s just donate it all. I think that would be for the best.”
He stared at her. “I don’t think I heard you correctly. Either that, or you’re an alien being taking the form of my daughter who likes to hold on to anything with sentimental value.”
She shrugged, and a melancholy heaviness settled right on her chest. “Just traveling a little lighter these days. That’s all.”
He nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. He was always the more reflective parent, never rushing to any one conclusion, and she saw him working something out as he approached and took a seat next to her on the floor of the garage. “This about the girlfriend in Paris?”
She attempted a smile that didn’t quite make it. “Maybe. I don’t know.” But she certainly knew. She wasn’t the same anymore, and that made complete sense. The months she’d spent with Spencer had been that impactful.
He gave her knee a quick pat. “Tell you what. I’m gonna box up a couple of the more important items. You know, just in case you change your mind.”
“I won’t,” she said, more firmly.
“Then I’ll do it for me.” He picked up the music box and turned it to her. “I always had a soft spot for these puppies here anyway.”
She smiled at him wanly. “Whatever you want.”
“Well, I definitely want this music box.” He glanced behind him at the door leading into the house. “Your dad has a chocolate cheesecake he’s just pulling out of the fridge. We can indulge him if you want.”
She didn’t have a lot of words, but nodded and followed him inside and into the kitchen. It felt good to be back at home with her dads, and for just a little while, she let herself be propped up by the comforting walls of that house and by the men who’d given their everything to raise her. Chocolate cheesecake wouldn’t magically rewind the last few weeks of her life, but it certainly wouldn’t make anything worse.
Her dad pulled her into a silent hug as she passed, and Papa sliced her an extra-large piece of cheesecake. The three of them ate together around the kitchen table. It wasn’t like their typically raucous, fun-filled times together, but the quiet solidarity would have to do.
* * *
Isabel held the door open for Hadley as she entered Pajamas just past seven that next morning. Autumn had her mocha already on the table, which meant that she would win the angel in heaven prize for the day. Hadley blinked and gestured behind her to Isabel. “Why is she being the door person?” she asked Gia, who was already seated.
“Who knows? Maybe she’s writing a courteous character into her next episode and needs to experience it firsthand. Hard to say with writers. They’re puzzling. She opened the door for me, too.”
Hadley nodded and took her seat as Autumn joined them. Isabel, however, remained at the door. “She’s being weird,” Autumn said. “Can we officially say that, as a group?”
“Maybe not.” Hadley glanced back at her with a confused shrug. “She’s expressing herself…via door. She’s greeting your guests. Nothing wrong with that, really.”
“Except that it’s weird,” Autumn reiterated. “We all know it.”
Gia sat forward. “Isn’t that their assistant? Scarlett somebody, who works on the show?”
They all turned to find out. It was in fact Scarlett. Isabel greeted her and directed her to their table. “Hey. Scarlett’s joining us today,” Isabel called.
“Hi, Scarlett!” Hadley said, forcing herself to brighten.
“Hi,” she said, waving at everyone. “Sorry to crash. I’m bumming a ride.” Autumn leapt to her feet to secure Scarlett a coffee just as Taylor arrived. She gave Hadley a squeeze as she passed and took a seat, looking elegant in a white and black pantsuit, calm and in control as always. Isabel joined them finally, which meant she’d been waiting for Taylor all this time. Okay, that was cute. Hadley passed her a smile as Isabel took the seat next to her. She returned it, shyly.
“How are the twins?” Taylor asked eagerly, as everyone helped themselves to baked goods. Hadley zeroed in on the croissant, because light and flaky and warm was worth the calories these days. Bring ’em on!
“Learning how to manipulate others,” Autumn said. “I’ve never been prouder.”
“Amazing!” Taylor said, as the rest laughed along. She turned to Gia. “And I hear you just had a fantastic finish at the Hawaii Women’s Pro.”
“You heard right!” Gia beamed. “I finished second, which I will happily accept. Elle was third, but we’re not discussing that right now.” She winked at her friends.
“Well, congratulations,” Taylor said, beaming. “I caught some of the highlights online.”
“What about you?” Isabel asked, turning the tables on Taylor. “Tell them about agility.”
Taylor laughed. “It hardly compares, but we thought it might be fun to get Raisin into a few agility classes. See if he can hold his own and get a little exercise along the way. He’s spending way too much time lounging on the couch in my office. We haven’t started yet, but that’s on tap for when it’s warmer.”
“Adorable,” Hadley said. “He’s so smart. He’ll be the star and have a million different girlfriends in the class.”
“What if we also thought about making things more permanent when it gets warmer?” Isabel asked. She laced her fingers together nervously and everything in Hadley went still.
Taylor turned to her. “What do you mean?”
“I love you,” Isabel said simply.
Taylor turned until her entire body faced Isabel. “I love you, too,” she said, with a hint of curiosity in her voice. She studied Isabel as if unsure what she was getting at.
Autumn and Gia exchanged a wide-eyed glance.
“I plan to always love you,” Isabel said, continuing. “I’m a fucking mess when it comes to expressing myself eloquently.”
“No, you’re not,” Taylor said, and reached for her hand.
Isabel smiled. “But I knew that here, among friends, I would be at my best.” She tossed a glance at Scarlett. “I asked Scarlett to come, by the way, because I know she’s important to you and I wanted her to be here when I asked you to spend forever with me. Hi, Scarlett.”
Scarlett waved back. Autumn covered her mouth. Hadley squeezed the sides of her chair as hard as she could. Gia sat forward, and Taylor welled up. None of it stopped Isabel, who Hadley was so proud of she could burst.
With a shaky hand, Isabel pulled a box from her pocket and opened it. “I don’t know if this is the perfect ring or not, but I thought it was pretty amazing, and that made me think of you. You’ve completely changed my life for the better in every way possible. You make me want to wake up early in the morning just to see you sooner.”
Taylor didn’t hesitate. She cradled Isabel’s cheek. “I could say the same back to you. All of it.”
“I’m sorry this isn’t more grandiose or happening on the side of a mountain or something, but this just feels more like us.”
Taylor nodded her agreement through the tears.
“I want to marry you, Taylor. More than I want to break every Ms. Pac-Man record. More than I want an Emmy. More than I’ve ever wanted anything.” Her hands continued to shake and she took a deep breath. No one at the table moved. “Taylor Andrews, what do you say? Will you marry me?”
It was the triumph of all triumphs! No matter what happened now, Isabel had done it. She’d conquered her fear head on and had the most earnest and sincere of moments to show for it. She wore her heart on her sleeve, and her words were everything. Hadley felt them down to her very core. They turned to Taylor in anticipation. Perhaps she was aware that taking a pause was simply good pacing for storytelling. Regardless, she remained silent for several long, excruciating moments.
Finally, when Hadley was ready to slink to the floor in suspense, she gave Isabel her answer. “I will happily marry you, Iz. In fact, it’s pretty much all I’ve thought about doing for a year now.”
The table instantly erupted in applause and wrapped arms around each other as Isabel and Taylor stood and fell into a romantic kiss. Hadley loved that Isabel had chosen Breakfast Club for her proposal. It was so very her, and that made it perfect.
“And you invited my best friend,” Taylor said through tears, and pulled Scarlett into an embrace as the others took turns hugging Isabel.
“You did it,” Hadley said, in her ear. “Best proposal ever.”
“You really think so?” Isabel asked, her eyes overflowing with vulnerability. “It was okay?” she whispered. “I wasn’t sure.”
“Without a doubt.” Hadley touched her heart. “It got me right here.” As everyone dried their eyes and posed for photos with the happy couple, Hadley knew that something had come unfastened inside her. She kissed Taylor’s cheek, said a quick goodbye to all of her friends, and made a hasty exit. She’d barely made it onto the sidewalk before the tears hit fast and heavy. After holding the emotion back for weeks, it assaulted her now with an intensity that almost brought her to her knees. She held a hand across her midsection and walked directly to her apartment, stopping for no one. She choked on the ambush of sadness, twisting uncomfortably against the pain she’d avoided for so long. Once inside, she leaned against the closed door and slid to the floor. She’d yet to make a sound, but that first sob was upon her in a matter of moments and it racked her through and through. She cried for what was, she cried for what she’d lost and what she would likely never have. She’d done the right thing in sending Spencer to Paris, hadn’t she? Why did it feel like such an awful decision now? She took out her phone and through blurry vision stared at the photos she and Spencer had taken together over the months since they’d met. It was too much. She pressed the phone to her forehead. What had been the point if they weren’t meant to be together in the end? Why bring Spencer into her life?
There was a knock on the door behind her. She did her best to wipe her eyes but with the tears continuing to fall, she was less than successful. Better to just ignore it. They’d go away. Only they didn’t. Another knock.
“Had. Open the door. I’m not leaving.”
She closed her eyes. Gia. “Not a great time.” The words were stilted and her voice cracked when she said them.
“I know it’s not. That’s why I’m here.”
She couldn’t face Gia right now, not when she was so raw and ripped apart. “I’ll call you later, G, okay?”
“No, not okay.” She heard Gia slide down the outside of the door, which left them sitting back to back, separated by just that slab of wood. Hadley turned her head to the side and rested it against the door. Knowing Gia was on the other side actually did bring an unexpected comfort. “If you don’t want to talk to me, just listen, okay?”
Hadley nodded, not that Gia would know.
“I’ve been where you’re at right now. It’s the worst place, and you start to second-guess everything and yourself. Nothing that was important to you before really matters, except that other person. Am I close?”
Hadley nodded again.
“I’m going to imagine that your silence means yes. If that’s what you’re going through, Had, and it’s hard to know because you’ve been so bottled up, you have a decision to make.”
“What decision?” she heard herself ask, eager for any kind of lifeline or guidance at this point. She was floundering and not sure how to right herself any longer.
“Whether to push through this pain to the other side or to do something the hell about it.”
She turned and faced the door, her emotions firing. “What am I supposed to do?”
“That’s for you to decide.”
Hadley blinked and nodded. She pushed herself into a standing position. She could continue her new sad existence or take back what it was she wanted. She opened the door to find Gia standing outside, waiting. “I have to go to Paris,” Hadley said, with calm determination. “If that’s where Spencer is, that’s where I have to be.”
Gia stared at her. “Well, you’ve always loved the city.”
Hadley practically fell into Gia’s waiting hug as the tears came again. She wasn’t so quick to let go either. “Thanks, G,” she mumbled. “I don’t know what this means for my life here or how I’m going to make this work, but I have to try, right? Maybe we’re never going to ride off into the sunset together, but being with her for even a small amount of time is better than not at all.”
Gia nodded. “If Spencer is what you want, you definitely have to try.”
“I’m terrified.”
“I know.”
“But I have to do it, right?”
“You have to follow your heart. That’s exactly what you would tell me to do.”
Hadley took a deep breath, and noticed that, with a sense of direction on board, even a scary and less than ideal one, the tears began to recede. She could breathe again, if only a little bit. Now it was time to get her world in order for what could be a very big leap. This was either the smartest or the most reckless thing she’d ever done. Didn’t matter. The gamble was worth it.
“If I do move to Paris, will you and Elle visit me?”
“Please. Just try to keep us away from the wine and baguettes at your place.”
Hadley grinned and geared up.
Here goes nothing…