Alec couldn’t remember any other time in his life that his mother, Coral, was a frail woman. That didn’t mean she ever set the world on fire or that she was a particularly good parent. In fact, sometimes she was a horrible mom doling out punishments that bordered on abusive, but she always projected an aura of strength, both mental and physical.

Now, Coral struggled to get out of the front seat of Alec’s car. It was a mid-sized automobile. It had plenty of space to swing legs around and propel oneself out to the curb. It would be easy for someone who wasn’t ill and on the road to succumbing to a cruel disease.

As he opened the driver’s side door, Alec said, “Hang on there. Sit for the moment, and I’ll walk around. You can hang on to me while I help pull you up.”

The doctor told Alec and Coral that she might need a walker in a matter of days. He suggested placing her in a care facility instead of struggling with home care. Both Alec and Coral rejected that suggestion. They did accept the offer to have hospice workers arrive within the next week to provide as much comfort as they could in the last days.

As Alec helped with the struggle out of the car, Coral said, “Maybe you should leave me here to die in the damned car. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of moving from place to place. Let me sit in the car, lie in bed, or die sitting on the toilet. Get me to one place and let me stay there!”

Coral’s words tumbled out of her mouth underlined by a hoarse rattle. It was a new development since the most recent trip to the hospital. The nurse told Alec it was another sign that the end was coming soon.

Coral wanted to go home to her own house, but Alec and the doctor banded together to reject that idea. The doctor couldn’t say how much time was left, but he knew it would come sooner if they left her to her own devices.

Alec asked, “Do you want to walk up the driveway? It’s like walking up a ramp. Otherwise, it’s the steps. Can you make it up those?”

“Fuck, I feel like an invalid. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to be. I should have taken pills, or I should have followed your idiot brother’s example. I could have driven the Impala into one of those concrete supports on the Interstate and skipped this nonsense. Now, I can’t do either of those without help.” She laughed bitterly. “And the good son I’m left with would never help me do such a thing.”

The words felt like the stab of a knife to Alec’s heart. He tried to ignore the pain as he listened to his mother. “Driveway or steps. It’s an easy question.”

“Help me up the steps. Maybe we can drink to a tiny victory when I make it to the front door.”

Alec watched Coral’s face tighten into a grimace as she slowly raised one leg and then the other. There was a total of eight steps, and she rested after the first three. Alec asked, “Are you okay? I’d carry you if I didn’t think I’d injure something.”

“Just…take it slow. By the way, you need to get your ass out here and mow the lawn. It looks like a jungle.”

Cutting grass was the last thing on Alec’s mind, but he shook his head and managed a small smile. At least his mother still could focus on other matters in addition to her own misery. Criticism of others was part of her personality. Her complaints about the lawn demonstrated better than almost anything else that she was still alive.

After settling Coral into an easy chair plumped up with extra pillows, Alec punched the power button on the TV remote. He asked, “Is there anything in particular that you want to watch?”

“Put it on the news. That way I’ll see what I can look forward to leaving behind. I never thought we could screw the country into the kind of mess it’s in now. When I was a little girl, we were proud of the land from sea to sea. Not anymore. Back then, I only wanted the next fuck and the next hit. I didn’t have to worry about some lunatic taking an assault gun t0 the grocery store.”

Alec pointed the remote control at the TV and winced when he saw the news anchor staring intently at the camera talking about the latest shooting incident in the country. “Mom, are you sure you want to watch this? I can find an old episode of Friends or Seinfeld. You can watch something funny and more relaxing.”

“And stupid and pointless and a waste of time. Do you realize how much fucking time we waste in our lives? No, this is fine.”

Alec watched Coral try to shift her thin, emaciated body into a reasonably comfortable position. The nurses told Alec that she was at the point where her bones caused pain because of the degradation of natural cushioning in her body. He reached down to assist and adjust the pillows, and she pushed him away with fingertips touching his forearm.

Alec said, “I’ll go make dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need something. I’ve got those shakes. You said the chocolate ones taste good.”

Coral raised her head and asked, “Do you have any more of that cranberry juice? A small glass of that will do fine.”

“Yep, we’ve got plenty of that.” Alec retreated to the kitchen. He placed his hands on the sink, lowered his head, and attempted to take a deep breath. He wanted to scream and yell, but he couldn’t. It would only disturb Coral. A month, or maybe only a week in the future, he knew that he would have plenty of time to howl. He needed to hold it together and not lose it for the time being regardless of what happened. He remembered three weeks ago screaming at the mirror in the bathroom that it couldn’t be true. That felt like it happened a year ago.

When Alec returned to the living room, he carried a small tray. It held the glass of cranberry juice, a small glass of chocolate shake, and a small dish of vanilla pudding. He hoped that Coral would take in at least a mouthful of something that might contain an ounce of protein. The nurses said to watch for when she decided to stop eating at all. “It won’t be long then. She will starve, but it won’t feel like that to her.”

As Alec approached her chair, Coral said, “The world is an insane place now. Maybe it’s just as well I never had any grandchildren. I’d only worry about what kind of world we left them.”

“You know I’d make a lousy dad, too. You told me that more than once.”

Coral laughed. To Alec, the sound was like listening to marbles rolling around in a box filled with rocks. “Here’s your juice, and please take a sip of the shake or a spoonful of the pudding. You need your strength.”

“My strength? What do I need that for? You act like I’ve got something to look forward to. Like I’m getting ready to attend a wedding in a month. The secret about dying is too many people try to drag you back by the heel when you’re ready to let go.” She closed her eyes, opened her mouth and breathed in shallow gasps.

Alec set the tray on the small table beside her chair. He knew she was already asleep, but he said, “It’s here when you’re ready for it, Mom.”

Ten minutes later, after he’d switched the channel on the TV and started to lose himself in an old sitcom episode, Coral opened her eyes wide and coughed. She whispered hoarsely, “Get me to the bathroom.”

Coral let so many other things go without a second thought, but she battled to hold on to her dignity when it came to bodily functions. Alec held her around her waist as she vomited into the toilet. It was only liquid and a tiny amount at that, but her whole body spasmed with the effort to rid itself of a tablespoon of waste fluid.

Alec asked, “Do you want to go back to the living room or bed?”

In a barely audible tone, Coral said, “Bed,” and closed her eyes.

Alec helped his mother around the corner from the bathroom to the makeshift bedroom he’d furnished for her arrival. It was formally a den. It was Alec’s private retreat from the world. Posters from rock concerts and Broadway shows he’d worked on still decorated the walls. Alec stared into Tom Petty’s eyes and hoped Coral would find her way to a gig somewhere in the afterlife. Maybe David Bowie and Lou Reed would be there, too.

Coral’s modesty was gone. She asked for a favorite flannel nightshirt as she struggled out of her street clothes. Alec started to say, “I’ll step out for a second if you can change into the nightshirt and make it into bed on your own.”

“No, stay right here. I’d rather be naked like a baby in front of you than fall in the floor and break an elbow. That would hurt.”

A half-smile curled the corner of Coral’s mouth as she fell into the bed, and Alec pulled the blanket up to her chest. She looked up and said, “After all these years, you turned out to be a good son. I don’t deserve this from you. I’ve never been a good mother. I know that now. I fucked up. It’s a wonder you didn’t do something like your brother did.”

Alec said the right thing. He knew there was a lot of truth in it, too. “You’re always my mom. You’ve never stopped being that. You didn’t run away like Dad.”

“Oh, your fucking father.” Coral coughed and raised her head slightly. The heaving and rattling were intense. Finally, she settled back onto the bed with her eyes half open. Coral whispered, “I was a bitch too many times. I guess I was better than your loser of a father. You’re right. I never abandoned my boy.”

Alec gently swept his fingers through Coral’s hair. It was thin and felt like dry straw. He said, “Don’t worry about all of that. Get some rest. You need it.”

Alec reached for the lamp by the side of the bed and turned it off. As he pivoted toward the door, Coral said, “No, please, stay. If you have things to do, go, but I’d like you to stay. Please.”

Alec pulled an antique wood chair to the side of the bed. He asked, “Mom, do you remember where this chair came from? I know it was in Grandpa’s house, but you said he wasn’t the first to own it.”

Coral laboriously raised her head off the pillow to look at the chair. “That one. It’s a favorite. There’s nothing special about it other than its history.”

“I don’t think you ever told me the story.”

“Not that you’d want to listen. I didn’t think you cared about the family history. It’s not like it’s something special. We were dirt poor.”

“I want to know now.”

Coral folded her hands over her chest on top of the blanket. Alec couldn’t stop himself from thinking that it was the position of a corpse in a coffin. He listened carefully.

“That chair was in Grandma Collins’ house. I used to sit on it when I was a little girl. I still remember Grandma cooking in the kitchen. I heard sizzling noises when she fried fish that Grandpa caught in the skillet, and then her tea kettle whistled. She loved to drink tea, and she made me a cup with lots of honey.”

Alec leaned forward in the chair and watched Coral’s eyes flutter before closing. He said, “That’s it, Mom. Get some sleep.”

Her voice was softer, but it was still clear. “I’m not sleeping. I don’t want to sleep. Why waste the last of my time that way? Do you remember Grandma Collins? Grandpa was gone long before I had you, but Grandma lived in the nursing home when you were born. It was a good one. They didn’t have many good nursing homes back then, but her nurses were kind.”

“I remember, barely. We sat on the porch with Grandma drinking milkshakes.”

Coral’s throat rattled, and her body shook when she laughed. “She loved that. She told me your father was a loser before I married him. Did you know that? She told me the first time she met him. I was too starry-eyed to listen.”

“I want to think he did his best.” Alec only saw his father three times that he could remember. The last was when he showed up unexpectedly at Alec’s birthday party when he turned eight. It was the only birthday party he had in his life. The next-door neighbor convinced his mom to throw a party for her kid. He remembered the cake and the balloons and little Jimmy Balz acting like a junior asshole.

“He chased a skirt from across town, and then he followed her to California. He came back for that birthday party, but she told me he was in prison two years later. I lost track then. Did you ever hear from him again?”

Alec stood up and arranged the blankets and bedspread to provide as much comfort as possible. He wished she’d kept talking about Grandma Collins. She was the only relative that Coral loved unconditionally. Hearing about his father was painful for Alec every time. He ignored the question and asked, “Would you like something to drink, Mom?”

“Some of that cranberry juice. It’s the only thing that feels good going down now. And bring one of those bendy straws. You loved those straws when you were a kid. I kept a box in the cupboard for every day after school.”

“I had a bendy straw with my chocolate milk. I’ll be right back.”

Alec left the room, and he lowered his hands to his knees sucking in deep breaths when he reached the kitchen. Taking care of Coral was exhausting, and he didn’t know how long it would last. His body and a dark corner of his mind wanted it to end, but the kind part of his head dreaded that day.

When Coral died, she would be gone. His mother would be gone. She was the woman who did her best to stand by him through most of her life. She was the person he’d known for longer than anyone else in the world. It couldn’t be true, could it? He hoped she didn’t die on his birthday.

Surprisingly, Coral’s eyes were still open when Alec returned to the bedroom with a glass in hand and a bendy straw resting in the deep red, clear liquid. She said, “I’m thirsty. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? Can we add one more day because I’m thirsty?”

“It’s a good sign, Mom.”

Alec held the glass and angled the straw so Coral could drink without raising her head. He didn’t think she’d drunk more than a tablespoon when she pulled her mouth back. “That’s good. Thank you.”

Alec shook his head slightly. For the first time in her life, when it was nearly over, his mom was a polite person. He supposed that it was better late than never.

Coral asked, “And what will you do the day after I’m gone?”

“Cry. What else.”

She shook her head slightly. The movement against the pillow caused a rustling sound like wind in the cattails at the edge of a pond. “You’re not much of a crier.”

“But it’s sad, Mom!” The fierce growl in his voice surprised Alec. He wandered through so much of Coral’s illness in a fog devoid of emotion.

“You’ll be better without me, and before you start arguing otherwise, listen to me. It’s your time to fly. You’re not weighed down by old, sick parents or a loser of a husband. The world’s there for you to do anything. Anything, Alec.”

Coral coughed again. She turned her head, and Alec feared she might vomit once more. He breathed a sigh of relief when she laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

“Maybe I’ll go somewhere. Maybe I’ll take a trip.”

“I wish I could leave a hundred grand for you to do that. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. California’s bad for our family. Maybe Florida, or maybe Maine. I’ve always wanted to go sit on a rock on the water in Maine.”

“And you need a man, and you’re old enough now to find a good one. I found one when I was too young. I didn’t know how to choose a good one. You’re smarter now.”

Just three weeks shy of his 40th birthday, Alec didn’t hold out much hope for finding a good man. Most of the single men his age seemed to be chasing young kids, and he was too old for the best silver foxes, too.

The few times a year that Alec ventured into the downtown gay bars, he dreaded when men asked about his work. He usually said he worked in the medical field. Then they always asked if he was a doctor or a nurse. He always said neither. He was an infotech guy who performed computer maintenance in one of the local hospitals. It was the most common, boring occupation that he could imagine. He was a bad boy computer geek. Thinking about the conversations generated an absurd laugh inside Alec’s head.

Once upon a time, Alec’s work was more daring and exciting. He hung lights for Broadway shows and concerts. It all ended one night after a horrible accident. Alec immediately cancelled the contract for his current show. Rumors about him spread quickly through the city theater circles.

Coral said, “I think I’m ready to go to sleep now and don’t worry. I’ll wake up in the morning. It’s not time to go yet.”

Despite the disbelief rattling inside his head, Alec tried to sound optimistic. “You’ve got a lot of time left. Don’t even think that way.” Alec bent down and kissed her cheek. She was already asleep.

Alec left the cranberry juice on the little table by the bed. It rested in a coaster decorated with the logo of a company that produced software systems for hospital management. Alec wondered what the aliens from the year 3000 would think about all the advertising on every damned thing. He wondered if he could get a company to finance a life lying on loungers on a cruise ship with their logo tattooed across his chest.

Alec closed the blinds and left the room. It was still early in the evening, but the days were getting shorter, and the light in the room was growing dim. Alec headed for the kitchen and tried to decide if there was anything that he wanted to eat.

The hard thing about preparing to host death in his house was that it sucked the life out of everything nearby. The color faded everywhere. The world looked like a black and white movie except without the sharpness of artistic camera work. It was mostly a dull collection of shades of gray.

Alec knew that the first thing he should do after Coral passed on was go out. He needed to socialize. He needed to find friends at least. He didn’t know how at age 40, but he had to start somewhere. He couldn’t let himself die with Coral.