Coral was finally sleeping comfortably. Alec sat by the side of her bed and tried to forget his anguished 911 call. She started choking while they were watching TV. He wasn’t sure what was happening, and he worried that she would stop breathing. She wasn’t eating anything, so a Heimlich maneuver was out of the question. After the paramedics arrived, they managed to stop the choking, and they explained something about the condition that he couldn’t quite understand.

An ambulance rushed Coral back to the hospital for observation. She was riled up and angry on the way there. A mild sedative helped her calm down. The attending nurse entered Coral’s room and spoke softly to Alec. She said, “Everything is stable now. Hopefully, she will sleep for a few hours.”

Alec looked into her eyes. He asked, “Will it be long?”

“You will need to speak with her doctor and the hospice nurse about that. I’m here to make sure she stays comfortable and can get some rest.”

Alec nodded, thanked her, and sat by the side of the bed. He listened for a moment to the sounds outside of the room. He hated hospitals. It wasn’t the sick people, and he didn’t even mind the incessant smell of disinfectant so much. The sounds bothered him. He hated the beeps and the whooshes of artificial machinery operating.

Alec wondered if the various tone patterns had codes embedded in them like the sounds on a plane. Maybe one pattern meant the patient was a lost cause while another signaled a simple problem. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment while he tried to relax.

Coral stirred in her bed, and Alec immediately opened his eyes. She was still sound asleep with her mouth partially open. Alec thought about what might come next. Two days ago the hospice nurse told him that she expected one more week. That was before they returned to the hospital. Alec wondered if he should call anyone.

Alec didn’t have many people to call. He had an aunt and uncle who would want to know. Coral worked with a friendly Hispanic woman named Marisol in her custodian job. She would want to know, too.

Alec hated that no one handed him a schedule and said, “Here’s the hour when she will take her last breath.” It would probably make everything easier.

He fiddled with the items lying on the tray beside the bed. One nurse brought cranberry juice in addition to ice water. He thought about his mother’s smoking habit that finally ceased five years earlier. He imagined how she might bark at the nurses if she hadn’t quit. “I have to smoke. Get me out the door if that’s what I fucking need to do. I don’t care. Put me in a wheelchair. Shit, smokers have rights, too.”

As Coral stirred again in the bed, Alec watched her eyes flutter open. He reached out for her hand. The fingers felt so brittle that he worried his grip might break one of them. The bumps and contortions of arthritis were apparent while he rubbed as lightly as possible.

A slight smile curled the corners of Coral’s mouth. She whispered, “Back here again.”

“Do you remember it at all? You were choking. I had to call. I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew you didn’t want to leave home, but they insisted.”

Coral blinked. “You could let me go.”

Alec shook his head. “Not like that. I didn’t know what was going on. You could breathe a little, but you kept choking. I thought you might eventually suffocate.” His voice trailed off at the end of the comment. Alec knew that it was unnecessary to share the details. He recounted the story for his own benefit. He felt that burning human need to tell someone what happened.

“Home. I want to be home.”

“I know, and it’s not your home. It’s my house. Do you remember that?”

The next comment felt like an icy blade in the gut for reasons that Alec didn’t understand. He wondered if it set off guilt feelings related to the past. Coral whispered, “With you is home. You’re a good son.”

“Is there anything you want?” As soon as he asked it, Alec wanted to kick himself for uttering a question that required a verbal response. He saw how difficult it was for Coral to speak.

She said one word, “Juice.”

Alec stood, lifted the glass of juice and sighed. He said, “I guess they don’t have bendy straws in the hospital. Fortunately, I remembered.”

He reached into the pocket of his jacket and watched Coral smile when she saw the straw wrapped in its paper packaging. She whispered, “Good.”

A sudden thought came to Alec’s mind as he held the straw to his mother’s lips. He’d heard many stories, but he wondered what Coral was like as a young girl. She proudly presented herself as a rebel her entire life, but he wondered if the little girl Coral had fears like any other child. He wondered if she ever felt vulnerable.

As she pulled back from the straw, Alec asked, “Is that enough? You don’t have to speak. A nod is fine.”

Coral nodded almost imperceptibly in response and closed her eyes. In less than thirty seconds, her mouth fell open once more as she slept again. Alec sat in silence by her bed for nearly an hour. She didn’t wake again. He watched her shift her position slightly three or four more times.

A nurse entered to check Coral’s condition and monitor the IV drip in her arm. The nurse looked at Alec and asked, “How long has she been asleep?”

“Almost an hour I think.”

The nurse smiled down at Alec with a kindly gaze. “You’re tired. Why don’t you get some coffee? She’s likely to sleep for at least a few more hours. We’ll keep her comfortable.”

“She wants to go home.”

“You’ll need to discuss that with her doctor, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they release her as soon as tomorrow. You’re working with hospice, and they’ll want to get her back home as soon as possible. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. That’s important. This is stressful. This isn’t the time to push yourself more than necessary.”

Alec wanted to hug the nurse for her kindness. He wanted to wrap his arms around anyone. It was all horribly stressful. The whole process was terrible. Alec constantly worried about whether he was doing the right thing or not. He understood it wouldn’t matter once Coral was gone, but he would have to live with himself if he thought he screwed something up.

Fortunately, stepping into the elevator and pushing the button for the coffee shop level brought relief from the beeps of monitors and sound of nurses rolling carts of equipment through the halls. Alec leaned against the back wall. The elevator stopped on the floor directly below, and a man entered with a girl who couldn’t have been more than ten years old. She smiled up at Alec and said, “My sister’s coming home tomorrow.” He smiled back at her toothy grin.

The man and his little girl got off the elevator at the lobby level, and Alec continued into the basement. The atmosphere at the entrance and inside the coffee shop was filled with a cheerful bustle of customers and employees filling orders. The hospital designed the space to look more like coffee shops in the outside world instead of an old-fashioned hospital cafeteria.

After collecting his latte, Alec noticed that all of the tables were occupied by at least one customer. He considered returning to the waiting room with the coffee, but then he spotted a woman who looked friendly sitting alone at a round table that could hold at least four.

Stepping up close, Alec smiled. He knew that his loose fitting old sweatshirt and slightly ragged jeans weren’t the most inviting, but he tried to compensate with a friendly grin. He asked, “Is anyone sitting here?”

She shook her head. “No one other than you.”

Alec pulled a chair out, turned it around and sat facing the back of it. He attempted to start a conversation by asking, “Are you visiting a patient?”

She appeared startled at first that he’d asked a question and wanted to talk. “It’s my brother. He was in an accident on his motorcycle. We thought we might lose him, but the doctors think he will pull through. I’m thankful for now, but I’m still worried about the future. They think he might have some lasting brain damage.”

Alec wanted to ask about helmets, but he knew that many people didn’t want to talk too much about traumatic accidents. Instead, he said, “Hospitals are rough places. I think this ranks right there with the DMV as one of the places I like to avoid.”

The woman laughed softly. “That’s a good point. Are you visiting someone?”

Alec nodded. “It’s my mother. I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but she’s dying. I hope this is the last time she’s in the hospital. She wants to go home. It’s cancer.”

“Oh no, that’s quite fine. I went through something like that with my family and my grandmother a few months back. She had advanced heart disease. In the end, there was nothing left to do, and she understood. She fought it for decades. The last thing I heard her say was, ‘It finally got me.’”

Alec smiled. “It sounds like she fought hard. It’s only been a few months for my mom. Neither of us saw it coming. She was so tough with everything else. I thought she’d be barking orders at me in her 90s.” Alec liked that his own comment lightened the mood. He was able to laugh a bit for the first time in what seemed like days.

“That is really quick. By the way, I’m Tina.” She reached a hand across the table.

Alec took her hand, and he said, “Pancreatic cancer. They say it usually happens really fast.” A moment of silence hung between them.

Tina’s grip lingered slightly before she pulled her hand back. A warm smile spread across her face as she said, “Death isn’t an easy thing. Too often, it sneaks up on us. I wish we could all live to be 100, stay healthy, and then one night die in our sleep.”

Alec asked, “Wouldn’t that be the best?” He reflected on Coral. “Well, at least she won’t be nagging me about finding boyfriends anymore.” He knew that the desire to erect a small defensive wall motivated his comment. He thought he saw a hint of flirtation in Tina’s expression, and he wanted to cut it off before it caused any discomfort. He enjoyed the relaxed conversation, and that was all that he wanted it to be.

Tina nodded. “My mom’s horrible about that. Fortunately, I’ve been married to Wes for five years, and I think she loves him more than me. Unfortunately, my little sister gets all of the comments now. Every boyfriend is immediately subject to harsh scrutiny.”

“Well, Wes must be a great man to merit having you.”

Tina blushed. “You do know how to flatter, and you’re handsome, too. I don’t know how a guy could resist you.”

Alec shrugged. “I’m a little rough around the edges, but the bark’s far worse than the bite.”

“Nobody’s at their best when they’re visiting someone in the hospital. If you have the time and energy to fix yourself up, then I think you aren’t very close to the patient. I feel like everything has moved twice as fast as normal since Benny had the accident. Mom’s a nervous wreck, and Dad’s useless. I’m trying to hold everybody together. It doesn’t leave much time to do my hair or makeup.”

“It sounds like your brother has a good set of people who care about him.”

Tina shrugged. “I wish he understood that, but yes, you’re right. We even found out he has a girlfriend that none of us knew about. She said they’ve been together for six months.”

“Wow.” Alec often wished that he was close to more people in his life, but he was also wary of the emotional baggage every additional person brought to the arena. More people meant life was an even more perilous balancing act.

“It’s great to meet you, Alec, and I hope I run into you here again, but I’d better get back upstairs. I worry that Mom could get hysterical at the nurses, and Dad won’t have the sense to call me.”

Alec smiled. “I should hop back in the elevator, too.”

Tina held up a hand. “No, you relax. You’ve not been here for more than ten minutes. I’m sure your mom’s okay for now. She doesn’t have a roomful of carping relatives, does she?”

“No, only me.”

Alec saw the look of sympathy in Tina’s face. He thought it nearly bordered on pity, but her words were soothing. She said, “You’re a good son. I’ve got to run, but please, stay here and relax a few minutes longer.”

Alec watched Tina go. He decided to follow her advice and linger a few minutes longer in the coffee shop. A teenage memory returned as he sipped the coffee. He knew that Tina’s flattering comment sparked the recollection.

Alec thought he was about seventeen. Coral was still a heavy smoker, and she was out of work for the third time in five years. In a sharp tone of voice, she cornered Alec as he retrieved a can of Coke from the fridge. He wanted to grab one of her cans of beer, but he knew that would cause holy hell to break loose. Coral pretended that he didn’t drink while he knew that he drank more than her.

She said, “Get out there and invite a pretty girl to your prom. I didn’t raise an ugly son.”

With the cold can clasped in his fist, Alec turned around and said, “It’s not about that, Mom, and you know we can’t afford it. I’d have to pay for tickets, flowers, and a tux.”

Alec knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left his mouth. When she was out of work collecting unemployment, Coral seemed to spend more on her son than when she pulled in a comfortable salary. She growled, “We can afford it. This is important. Find that pretty girl.”

Alec already knew he wasn’t destined to be with a girl. He’d known that since he was twelve when he showed his naked anatomy to his shady friend Ken. As soon as he saw Ken’s, he wanted to touch it. He got to, and he wanted more, but a quick touch was all Ken allowed. Alec remembered wanting to see it grow.

“I don’t want to go. Keep the money. If you have to spend it on me, let me take the train to Chicago for a weekend. I’d rather do that than go to the prom.”

Coral puffed her cigarette. “So you’re too good for the girls at your school? I’m not raising a son to be an asshole either.”

Alec spent a lot of time before that moment thinking about how he would someday come out to his mom. He wanted to be careful about it, because, as awful as she could be, he couldn’t think about the possibility of rejection from his mother. He needed her, and she needed him. Despite all of the careful plans he’d worked out in his head, they crumbled to dust when he blurted out, “I don’t like girls.”

The statement made him sound like a child. He thought they rolled out of his mouth like the words of a petulant second grader. It wasn’t an entirely accurate statement either. He did like girls but as friends, not dates. Alec’s two best friends at school were girls, and they were even tougher than him.

Coral didn’t get it at first. She said, “That’s why you need to date one and take her to your prom. You’ll find out whether or not she’s one that you want to date again. That’s how you find out which girls you like.”

Alec shook his head. “I’m not a child anymore. You don’t get it, Mom. I don’t want to date girls.”

Coral took three puffs on her cigarette before she responded. Finally, she said, “You’re like your Uncle Jim. I should’ve known it would show up again somewhere in the family.”

Coming out turned out to be much easier than Alec thought it would be. A lot of awful things happened in his life, but none of them were connected to his coming out process.

When Alec returned to Coral’s hospital room, the doctor and the hospice nurse were both at her side. Coral was still sound asleep, but her breathing was slightly more labored with a low rattling noise in her throat.

The doctor noticed Alec first. He reached out a hand to shake. Alec immediately asked the question. “How much longer?”

“It’s always impossible to know. I think several more days is likely. Fay here thinks it could be much sooner.”

Alec asked, “Can I take her home tomorrow?”

The doctor nodded. “I think so. I’ll have the nurses make arrangements for the medical transport. I’m going to go for now unless you have more questions. I’ve checked her vitals, and she appears to be resting as comfortably as possible.”

Alec shook his hand again. “Thank you, Doc. That’s what I want. She needs to be as comfortable as possible.” He watched the doctor leave the room, and he thought he would remember the sound of the receding footsteps forever.

Fay placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder and asked, “How are you doing?” She was an older woman with a kind face. Alec thought she might have been older than Coral. Fay wore long silver-gray hair tied up in a bun.

Alec asked, “How does anybody do who is going through this? I’m not sure it feels real. Is it normal to feel that way? I don’t want to be that crazy guy who pretends like she’s still there in that bedroom after she’s gone. I know what is real. It just doesn’t feel real. There’s a difference.”

Fay squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t worry about that. The reality will hit at some point. Everybody is unique. Unfortunately, when it strikes, it will come with a lot of force. Do you have someone to call?”

He knew it was at least a half-lie when he said, “Oh, yeah, I do.”

Alec did have friends to call, but most were the kind who would say they were sorry and end the conversation with a quick, “Let me know if I can do anything. I’ve got to go for now. That garage wall needs painting.”

Fay said, “It might be several days like the doctor says. Physically, that’s possible, but I think Coral can let go earlier. The last time I talked to her, I was impressed that she was mostly at peace. She loves you, Alec.”

Wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, Alec said, “I know she does. I didn’t understand that for a long time, but I know it now.” He paused and then raised his voice, “Fuck! That’s why it’s so fucking hard right now!”

Fay offered a hug. Alec gripped her tightly. He felt the tears on the way seconds before they appeared. Sobs wracked his body hard for the first time since he found out that Coral was sick. He knew that he would feel better when he stopped crying, but he wasn’t sure when the tears would end. Deep down inside, he feared that they could go on forever.

Fay whispered into Alec’s ear. “She knows that you love her, too.”