Note to self: If you don’t believe in yourself, what do you have?
“Last song reveal. Are you ready for this?” Beau asks from his stool across from me. I’m a mixture of nerves and excitement as I wait to hear what Beau has in mind for my final performance for fan votes.
“Bring it.” My voice is cool and calm, though on the inside, I’m anything but. My stomach is knotted so tight, I fear I might never eat right again.
“Are you sure? You might not be happy with my selection,” he says, that sexy eyebrow arching and disappearing beneath his Stetson.
“You haven’t steered me wrong yet. What have you got?” I ask, all but bouncing on my stool. Nervous energy flows through me like a tidal wave.
“Miranda.”
I stare at him and blink once. Twice. Fine, I blink about a dozen times before I find my voice. “Country?” I ask, unsure why he would pick a song that doesn’t fall within my preferred genre. My comfort zone.
“Yep. I think this song was made for you. It’s sassy, aggressive, and even though it’s country, I think your rock background would complement it nicely.” Beau stares intently at me from the other side of his music stand. “In other words, I think you’ll fucking rock the shit out of this song.” Beau doesn’t even flinch at the use of his f-bomb as the cameras zoomed in on our faces to catch both sides of the conversation.
His eyes are hard. Intense. But mixed in flows pride and adoration. And that’s the bottom line: Beau has unwavering faith in me as a performer. He believes I can tackle this song because he believes in me. Even though this song isn’t what I’d pick, I know I can do this because Beau feels that this song is the right fit for my final performance. And I trust him.
“Okay,” I tell him confidently.
“Do ya want to know what song?” he asks, smirking beneath the wide brim of his trademark cowboy hat.
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell him.
“No?” he asks, that eyebrow disappearing once again beneath the hat.
“No. Because I trust you.”
Beau watches me for several moments–moments that extend into a lifetime. A conversation is carried between us, without even saying a word. It’s a mutual acceptance of trust by both parties, as well as an understanding of something more. Something that feels a lot like love. It’s scary and freeing all at the same time. It’s dangerous and exciting. It’s real.
Suddenly, he’s on his feet and moving. He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his protective arms around me. I slide my hands up his back, gripping at the dark material of his shirt. Resting my cheek on his chest, our grip remains tight and our breathing synchronized. I’m hypnotized by his heartbeat thumping steadily against my ear. We stand there, locked in each other’s embrace, for a while. Even the movement of the camera crew doesn’t pull us from our embrace.
Relaxing his hold, Beau eases back and looks down at me, that cocky smirk firmly in place. “You ready to win this thing?”
“I’m ready,” I tell him confidently, my smile matching his.
“Then let’s do this.”
*****
Do you know what’s more nerve-wracking than getting ready to perform the finale of a live reality show and duet with the likes of Grammy winning icons Nancy and Ann Wilson of Heart before a studio audience of thousands, with millions watching at home?
Nothing. Nothing’s more nerve-wracking than that.
Note to self: If you’re going to throw up, just make sure it’s not on Nancy or Ann’s shoes.
We just received the ten-minute cue. Ten minutes before we go live. Ten minutes before I sing with the other remaining contestants to start the show. Ten minutes before I prepare for my final performance for viewer votes.
Ten minutes left to freak out!
“You’ve got this,” Beau says behind me, that southern drawl like a sweet caress.
“I’ve got this,” I confirm, turning around to face the man behind me.
“Why do you look like you’re goin’ to be sick?” he asks, fighting the urge to crack a smile.
“Because I might just need to throw up.”
“You’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about, sweetheart. You’ve done this a dozen times before.”
“Yes, but this is different. This is for everything I’ve wanted; for myself and for Eli.”
“Darlin’, you’ve been fighting for that this entire time. From the first day you stepped into auditions, it’s been for everything. You’re just a whole lot closer now than ya were a few months back. And ya know what? Whatever happens today, you’ve already won. You know that you can do anything you put your mind to even if the results are a loss. You’re teachin’ your son one of the most important life lessons there are. You’ve taught him to reach for the stars and fight for his dreams. Even if your name isn’t called on that stage tomorrow, you’ve won so much more than a record contract and some money. You’ve won self-discovery. You know who ya are and what you’re worth. And, darlin’, what you’re worth is the world.”
Suddenly, there’s no air left in this massive building. I’m unable to breathe around the golf ball sized lump firmly taking up residency in my throat. I fight the tears, blinking several times, so that I don’t ruin my dark, dramatic makeup. Beau takes his rough thumb and catches the tear that slips from the corner of my eye.
“Don’t cry, babe,” he whispers. “You’re worth everything to me.” His words slice through every ounce of pain I’ve carried for the last four years. Colton cheating on me. Colton dying before I had a chance to maim him for his deception. Working my ass off for tips that I use to raise my son. It all washes away with the tenderness of his words and the touch of his hand.
“Places everyone!”
Everyone rushes to get in place. Final checks of hair and makeup are given by backstage crew. It’s time.
Last call for throwing up!
I turn and look at Beau’s bright eyes, shining with something we’ve yet to specify. I see it as clearly as I feel it in my own heart. My heart has been telling me that I love him for a while now. I’ve just chosen to ignore that pesky organ because I didn’t think I was worthy of such a strong emotion. Not when the last time I loved a man, it was thrown back in my face, tainted and brimming with laughter.
“Your son is here. I’ve spent the last thirty minutes with him in the audience. He’s so fuckin’ excited to see ya tonight, sweetheart. I made sure Eli and your mom are sitting in the best place possible. They’ll be right behind me. So know that when you go on stage. Look at them or not, it’s up to you. I just didn’t want you to be blindsided and freeze.”
My heart stops beating. My son is here. Beau made sure Eli was here for the biggest two nights of my life. It takes every ounce of control I have not to blurt out my feelings for him right now, in front of the cast and crew. Instead, I give him a watery smile and pray that my love reflects in my eyes.
And when my eyes meet his, I see nothing but his love reflecting in the warm pools of his eyes too. I feel his strength and hear the magnitude of the words left unspoken. Apart, we were two people, lonely and searching for something more. Together, we are greatness. Together, we are one.
Note to self: Win or lose, as soon as this show ends, tell Beau how you feel!
Beau gives my hands one final squeeze before turning and heading towards the stage. I slowly make my way over to stage right and wait for my cue. Standing next to Ben and Jamal, I take a few deep breaths and wait for the show to begin.
*****
“Welcome to the final week of Rising Star. In just over twenty-four hours, we will be crowning a brand new Rising Star. We have three amazing hopefuls ready to perform for your votes one last time. We also have a star-studded show in store for you tonight and tomorrow. Without further ado, I present your four Rising Star coaches, Felix, JoJo, Sophia, and Beau!”
You can feel the rumble of the applause behind the massive curtain. Ben, Jamal, and I are positioned in a Jeep Wrangler, ready to perform choreography we’ve gruelingly worked on for the past forty-eight hours. It’s the first time a vehicle is being driven onto the stage during a performance on this network. Rumor has it that they pulled the plug on the idea before it even got off the ground, but after a few meetings and negotiations, the powers that be agreed to the large production. So now I sit in the back of the topless red Jeep Wrangler and wait for the cue to begin singing “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line.
As soon as we get the cue that the stage is cleared, Ben starts the Jeep and puts it in drive. We wait for the signal, microphones already poised at our mouths and wait. And then the light appears. Five, Four, Three, Two…
“Baby, you a song, you make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise…”
And with that, Ben drives us onto the stage. The crowd erupts and is immediately on their feet as Jamal sings from the passenger seat lines made famous by Nelly in the remix version of the hit song. I’m standing up in the back of the Jeep, hanging on to the roll bar as if my life depends on it. It has nothing to do with Ben’s driving–in reality he’s only driving about 20 feet onto the middle of the stage at five miles per hour–but has everything to do with my nerves. As I get ready to sing my next line and Ben comes around to help me down, after shutting off and exiting the vehicle, I finally feel the music pulse through me. It relaxes me in a strange way.
“It’d look a hell of a lot better with me up in it…” I sing, the lyrics edited just a bit to fit me and the fact that I’m a woman singing as opposed to a man singing of a woman.
Together, our trio makes our way across the stage, each of us acknowledging the fans in the audience in our own way. For me, it’s zeroing in on the three-year-old little boy standing proudly in the audience behind Beau Tanner. I offer him the biggest smile I can manage while still singing the lyrics. Beau doesn’t miss the exchange either, turns around and makes a silly face at my son. If I wasn’t already head over heels in love with the goof, I would have completely fallen right then and there.
As I move and dance–yes, dance. Thank you choreographers–I can’t help but reminisce on the last eight weeks. The lights. The music. The stage. The judges. The other contestants. All of the hard work and commitment to the show comes down to this. It’s all about to end. Win or lose, there is no next week.
“Come on, girl. Get those windows down and cruise…”
“Ladies and gentlemen, your final three: Layne, Jamal, and Ben. We’ll be back with our first performer singing for your votes after this.” Becker smiles until he receives the signal that we’re off-air, and then we’re ushered off stage.
And now the real competition begins.
*****
I’m about to go on as the second performer of the night. The song Beau chose for me as my final number is perfect. Yep. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s the ideal selection for me. The black and blue dress I’m wearing is bulky and heavy against my body, primarily because I’m technically wearing two of them. My long brown hair is swept up in a tight French twist and my makeup flawless. I look exquisite in my black Jimmy Choo pumps. Every bit the pristine, perfect housewife I’m trying to resemble.
But that’s where the resemblance ends. I’m anything but perfect. There isn’t a flawless bone in my body. And if you don’t count my son, my greatest accomplishment is learning how to make homemade French toast without burning the house down.
“Layne, you’re up in one minute,” I hear from a young woman positioned by the stage and wearing a headset and a scowl.
Running through a few lines of the lyrics in my head, I prepare myself to take the stage. The whole world is about to see me perform for the last time for their votes. Knowing that Eli is in the audience, watching and waiting for me to perform, is enough cause to make me give this more than one hundred percent.
And then they’re cuing me to step up to stage left. Becker is on the stage giving a glowing introduction and showing highlights of my previous weeks on the competitive show. I can’t see the massive screen above the stage, but I can hear the laughter and the awes from the audience.
The lighting is subtle, but only for a moment. When I’m positioned center stage, the blinding lights flash and the familiar melody of Miranda Lambert’s “Mama’s Broken Heart” starts. I smile brightly at the first few rows of the audience since that’s as far as I can see and bring the mic to my mouth.
“I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors. I screamed his name ‘til the neighbors called the cops. I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver. Don’t know what I did next, all I know I couldn’t stop.”
I love this song. I love the lyrics, the sass, the drama. I especially love what is coming up. Part of being a performer, I’ve learned, is acting; being someone else for a short period of time. And this is the performance of a lifetime. I’m moving, I’m singing, I’m entertaining the audience to the best of my ability.
And here comes my favorite part…
“Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep ‘em closed. Cross your legs, dot your I’s, don’t ever let them see you cry.”
The music drops off completely along with the lights. The massive room is bathed in pure darkness with the exception of minimal lighting at the stairs for safety. I spring into action, ripping off the top dress which was designed to breakaway easily. The second dress underneath is the exact same dress, yet this one is torn and tattered. I release the clip at the back of my head and my hair falls in a crazy mess of hairsprayed chaos. I kick off a single shoe, and toss it to the woman waiting just off to my left.
When the lights return–just a few short seconds later–I’m left unruly and disheveled on stage, just as the song reflects. My movements are choppy and hurried as I walk towards the edge of the stage, mic poised at my mouth to continue the song.
“Go and fix your makeup, well it’s just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady. ‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together. Even when you fall apart, but this ain’t my mama’s broken heart.”
I stick the ending like a damn Olympic gymnast. The crowd doesn’t even wait for the music to fade. They are on their feet, cheering for me. Excitement and relief washes over me like a spring rain. I glance over and see Beau. There he is: the man I love. He’s standing at his chair with his arms raised high above his head in victory. My beaming smile surely matches the one I see on his gorgeous face.
Becker asks me questions, and I’ll be damned if I know what answers I give. I could have told him aliens invaded my body and I wouldn’t have realized it. My eyes remain locked on gray orbs of radiating excitement and pure love. I can feel it from twenty yards away.
And it’s the best feeling in the world.