CADENCE
Another week has passed and I feel like the time is rushing past faster and faster by the day. There are about four more weeks of rehearsals scheduled before the band goes into the studio to record the pieces we’ve been working on. There are four pieces with piano which shouldn’t take more than two or three recording sessions. The guys are worse perfectionists than I am though, so who knows how many takes it could take? But I don’t care. The whole process is so much fun. I‘m already starting to wonder if I should be pursuing some more recording work after my time with the Rock Chamber Boys.
After giving Sebastian the DVD last week, things have returned somewhat to normal between us. He must’ve shown the guys though, because they’ve all come up individually to me to congratulate me on doing a good job with the school orchestra. Truth is, I was so worried giving it to Sebastian. He leads this groundbreaking, award-winning string group, it was hard imagining how my amateur school orchestra would look to him. But I wanted him to know...that it wasn’t just me, the kids appreciated it so much as well, and that it really wasn’t for me, it was all for them.
Sometimes, in those quiet moments during our breaks, I sit and watch him, and I wonder, was I really wrong to end things with him before anything could start? Was I really afraid he was going to turn out like the men in my past? Had he ever done anything to indicate that? Other than the misunderstanding with Dennis’ daughter, he hadn’t done anything to show he was the rockstar player that I was so afraid he was going to be.
But then he’ll shoot me a smile and my heart will float and sink in equal measure. And if a smile can affect me like that, how would I handle it when I was all in, and he was ready to be all out at any time? And he would. That’s just been my luck. With my heart smashed to smithereens and me on my hands and knees trying to gather up the pieces. And some would inevitable be washed away in the torrent of tears.
So, yes. I was right.
It was just a case of reminding myself of that.
Like right now.
He’s sitting in front of the window, cello in hand as he strums a quiet little melody, providing his own soundtrack to the darkening city skyline. I just want to come up behind him, run my hands up under his shirt and over the taut skin of his abdomen, and lay my face against his back. He’s made me miss that intimacy. He’s made me crave it. Crave it from him.
“Guys,” Dennis says, walking into the middle of the room, and waving them all over.
I see Brad glance over at Sebastian who just shrugs.
“My friend Patrick owns a little live music club just a few streets from here and he’s wondering if we want to play a small impromptu set there tonight around 10:00. Club fits about 2,000 people, and it’ll be early so it won’t be too bad, we can try out some of the new stuff. You guys up for it?”
As usual, they defer to Sebastian, and he just shrugs again, “Yeah, sure, why not. We’ll chuck it up on twitter and FB, get some of our regulars out.”
Dennis grins and admits, “Yeah, already did it,” and runs out of the room before they can respond.
“Fucking hell, we should’ve just changed the name to “Dennis’ hand puppets.” Jez grumbles.
“No, thanks, I don’t want the image of Dennis’ hand up my ass out there in the public subconscious.” Marius shudders.
“Guess we should all get some rest then, cut the rehearsal here. Is that all right, Cadence?” Jez asks me thoughtfully.
“Please, MIND an early minute? You HAVE been out of school for a long time.” I grin and quickly pack up my stuff and leave the guys to it.
Just as I get into the car my phone beeps and I reach for it.
“You’re coming tonight, right?” the text reads.
I don’t recognize the number and text back.“??”
“It’s Seb, Mary. How many other guys are you meant to be meeting tonight?”
“I didn’t even have plans on meeting one.”
“Ow”
“What? Did Marius’ bow poke up your bum?”I tease him.
“No, your words. They hurt.”
“Good.”
Something about texting makes it easier to say these things to him. It feels good to joke around with him freely, like in those conversations when we first met.
“So, tonight?”
“What about it?”
“You wouldn’t leave us hanging. What if no one shows up?”
“Then I’ll never let you hear the end of it.”
“But you gotta be there to witness our failure.”
The phone dings again before I can answer.
“Please”
And again.
“It won’t be the same without you.”
I can’t help but press the phone to my chest for a moment. Touched by his words. I stop one step short of squealing like one of my teenage students.
“Fine. Can I bring Sarah?”
“That nutso, sure.”
“Then OK. I’ll be there.”
“I’ll be waiting. See you soon, Mary.”
This time I don’t bite back the little squeal.
***
“Fuck, they are good.” Sarah turns to me, and we’re both sweating in this overheated club and from dancing to the band. The guys have just finished a forty-minute set, ending on a roof-raising version of AD/DC’s “TNT”. Patrick, the club owner, has saved us two booths on the side and we’re waiting for the band to join us.
“I’m just going to go to the little girls’ room, do you want to come with me?” Sarah asks.
“No, I’ll stay here with our stuff. You’ll be OK?” Knowing full well in a club, it’s not Sarah who needs to watch out.
“I’ll be fine, won’t be a bit. Order me another vodka tonic?”
I nod and watch as she walks through the crowd, always in awe of how confident she is. Maybe being loved unconditionally by an adoring husband gives you that confidence. And maybe having ex-lovers who are determined to destroy you leads people to be more like me. I shake my head to get rid of the dark thoughts and smile when I see Marius wave to me over the bobbing, dancing heads on the dance floor as the band makes it over to the booth.
“How were we?” he asks as soon as he slips into the booth next to me.
“How were you what?” I pretend not to understand.
“The show!” He glares at me.
“Oh! I don’t know, I took a nap...” I make a nonchalant face.
“Bitch!” Marius pinches my arm and I grin at him. “Where’s your friend?”
“She’s gone to the bathroom.” I explain.
“And you didn’t go with her?!? Don’t you go in herds? Your girl membership card needs to be revoked!” Brad jokes.
I dip my fingers into my drink and flick them at the boys, who howl in protest.
Sebastian slides into the empty spot next to me, and leans in, yelling to be heard over the music. “How we were really?”
Even over the din I can hear the genuine interest in my opinion in his voice. “You guys were great. Really solid. The new stuff is dynamite,” I smile at him.
“You should come up with us next time,” he says seriously.
“It’s the Rock Chamber BOYS, not Rock Chamber Boys and random music school teacher.” I remind him.
“You know we see you as every bit a part of the band that we are.” He insists.
“But I’m not.”
“Maybe you should be.” He shrugs when I question him with my look.
“That would cramp your style.” Your rockstar, groupies in every port lifestyle, I think to myself.
“I’d make room for you, Cadence.” He says earnestly. And it takes everything I have not to believe him.
“Cadey! Move over!” Sarah’s voice pulls us apart and Sebastian moves over to make room for her.
“Hey, how come SHE gets to call you Cadey?” Marius asks.
“She doesn’t ‘get to’, she’s just not as scared of me as you guys are,” I grin at him and he pouts.
“What’ll you guys have?” Patrick comes over with a waitress and takes the guys’ drinks order.
Sarah nudges me and whispers into my ear, “Ugh, there’s some slut in the bathroom talking about how she’s slept with half the band and she’s going for Sebastian tonight.”
I feel as if a frozen icicles stabbed me in the stomach but try to pass it off as nothing. “Yeah, um, I guess they get that a lot.”
“Hey guys! You were so great!”
I look up and see Hailey and a tall leggy blonde coming towards us. She waves to me and I smile back. We’ve seen a lot of each other in the last few weeks as she comes in and out during rehearsals helping Dennis out with some admin work and odd jobs for the band. They really do treat her like a little sister and she’s been nothing but sweet to me.
“Hey, Hailey, this is my friend, Sarah.” I introduce her to my friend.
Hailey waves to Sarah who outright ignores her. I nudge her, surprised at her behavior, and she rolls her eyes and raises her hand in a halfhearted wave back to Hailey.
“What’s wrong with you?” I turn to my friend.
“That’s the girl from the bathroom,” she growls.
“Hailey’s friend? I’ve never met her before.”
“No, Hailey. She’s the one who was talking about scoring with Sebastian tonight.” Sarah scrunches her face up, unimpressed.
“No, you mean her friend, the leggy blonde. Hailey’s the one who waved to you, she’s the one we saw with Sebastian that night after the concert.”
“Babe, I know exactly which one it is. I’m telling you it was her.” She insists.
“Did you SEE her say it?” I need to know for sure.
“I was in the stall but I could see through the crack, I promise you it’s her.”
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” I wave her off, not wanting to hear any more.
But it does.
I can’t help but notice when Hailey comes over and slides in between Sebastian and Jez, laughing with them over some inside joke, and they’re tickling her and she’s obviously enjoying every moment.
I know I don’t have any right to care, having refused any attempt by Sebastian to start something between us, but I can’t help but remember that shock of seeing her with him that night, and the crushing feeling of hurt and disappointment. No matter Sebastian’s explanations about what happened and what she means to him, which now seems as though it’s not completely true anyway.
Sarah growls next to me, and I look over at her and she gestures with her head to Hailey and Sebastian again, their heads together as she’s showing him something on her phone, her hand on his leg. My heart twists in my chest and I can’t help but curse my own weakness, stopping me from being with him.
“Come on, screw this shit, let’s go have some fun, babe.” Sarah grabs my hand, forcing me to look away from the torturous scene playing out in front of me and drags me out to the dance floor.
I see Marius and Brad follow us and I turn and wait for them, pretending to look at my watch to get them to hurry up. Brad laughs and grabs my hand and the four of us push our way into the middle of the crowd.
Patrick booked an eighties cover band for after the Rock Chamber Boys set and the clubgoers are eating it up. It doesn’t take long for us to be completely lost in the nostalgic familiarity of the songs, singing along to Toni Basil’s “Oh Mickey!” and bumping and grinding next to strangers, laughing as we mix up the words.
I’m losing myself in the music and the fun that Brad, Marius, Sarah and I are having, and best of all, forgetting about the scenes of Hailey seducing Sebastian back at the booth. The crowd around us builds as people start to recognize them from their performance and hordes of women start to gather around Marius and Brad, who are lapping up the attention, but making sure Sarah and I are never too far away.
Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, gently nudging me to the side, Sebastian and Hailey have joined us and the others are making room for them to join the dance circle. In the corner of my eye I can see Sarah glare at the two of them, and she turns to dance with a bachelorette party to the side of us. Hailey’s hand is gripping Sebastian’s shoulder, as if afraid to let him go. Even when he leans into whisper to me, “You having a good time?” I see her tugging on his shoulder and away from me.
The best way to not respond in a way that will cause me regret, I decide, is just to ignore them altogether. I turn my back to Sebastian in the guise of dancing with Marius. I lean over and make a joke about how the Rock Chamber Boys should do an ‘80s retrospective some time and he laughs, taking my hand and twirling me around. Mid twirl, I catch Sebastian’s eye for a moment, and he looks hurt, but only for a second before I notice his arms around Hailey’s waist and she’s dropping her head onto his shoulder.
I twirl back to face Marius and feel a body up against me.
Sebastian.
I close my eyes telling myself, it’s OK to enjoy his touch for just a moment. I’ve been so good for so long, despite craving him with every fiber of my being. I lean back and reach behind me to touch his arm.
It’s not him. It’s not Sebastian’s arm. It’s too rough.
I look up and Marius is standing in front of me, so I know it’s not him either. Two hot hands then grab me from behind around the hips and pull me back, banging hard against the stranger’s chest. I try to turn, but the hands are holding me tight and I can feel the body start to grind against me. I feel repulsed by this uninvited assault. I start to struggle, but the hands around my hips grip me harder, almost bruising me to keep me in place.
“Get off me!” I yell, and kick my heel up behind me, trying to aim for the grabber’s shins.
Marius comes forward, his face angry and he tries to reach for the person holding onto me. I shake my head at him, not wanting him to get involved; I can take care of this dickhead myself. He stands back but keeps watching close so I know I won’t get into too much trouble. I struggle harder, lifting my leg and stomp down hard on the guy’s foot. He roars and doesn’t let go but loosens his grip. I manage to shake him off and turn around. I see him for the first time, it’s a drunk guy that had been hanging around us since we’d gotten to the dance floor. His face is red and he lurches towards me again.
“I said, get the FUCK off me, ASSHOLE!” I scream in his face pushing him away. I turn back to Marius who’s now been joined by Brad but before any of us can react, he yanks me back by my hair, and lifts his other hand and slaps me hard across the face. The strike is so hard, it blinds me, and I’m flung to the side, twisting my wrists as I try to break my fall while crumpling to the floor.
“Fucking, cockteasing slut.” He slurs and I feel his rank breath on me as he reaches for me again, leaning over me as he wraps his hand in my hair, pulling me to my feet.
“Oh my god! Cadence!” I hear Sarah yell over the music and thumping in my head.
And then, I fall to the floor again as the guy is yanked away and forced to let me go.
“Brad! Marius! No!” I hear a voice, I think it’s Hailey’s but I’m not sure as I feel someone scoop me up.
This time it really is Sebastian.
Even in my haze I curse myself, how could I have not felt this difference?
“It’s OK, Mary...” Sebastian whispers to me and the use of my nickname causes the tears to instantly spring from my eyes. My head pounds so hard I can’t help but let it fall against his chest. I let out an involuntary sob as there’s a streak of pain across the side of my head.
“Shhh, baby girl, I’ve got you. You’re OK, I’ve got you. No one’s going to get to you now.” His voice soothes me, and I let myself grow limp in his arms. Even through the pain, I feel safe and warm.
“Sebastian,” I moan softly, wanting him to know I know it’s him.
“Shhh. I’m here. Don’t you worry about a thing,” he soothes me even as I feel his chest rise and fall, and his breath hiss from the effort of carrying me and pushing through the crowds to take me to safety. I don’t know how he does it, move all the people out the way, but he never stops, not for a moment. And in that moment I have no doubt that he would part the stars to make a path to safety for me if he had to.
“Over here, Sebastian,” I vaguely hear Sarah’s voice and I can just make out that we’re now leaving the club. The sounds are fading away, and I can hear his heart thump hard against my own pulsing temple. One beat for every two of his. That’s no surprise, he has twice as much heart as me. I try to smile up at him, but his face is serious, set on just getting me out of there.
“Open the door, Hank,” I feel Sebastian’s voice rumble through his torso. There’s the sound of the car door opening, and then he lays me gently down in the back seat. Taking his jacket off, he drapes it over me, and I feel his cool hand touch me gently on my burning cheek. “God, Mary...” he sighs.
I try to sit up, to see him more clearly...to thank him but he presses gently yet firmly on my shoulder, keeping me down. “Don’t sit up, just lay there, we got you.”
Someone slides in from the other door, it must be Sarah, then the doors slam shut and it’s quiet. I try to look around but I can’t see him.
Then, from the other side of the door, the voices are muted but I can just make out him saying, “Take them back to the hotel, Hank. Go in the back way and tell Mark not to let anyone but Dennis and the band onto our hotel room floor. ”
Hank mumbles something and as he gets in the car, Sebastian finishes with, “We’ll be back later. Don’t worry about us. Take care of them.”
The car starts and drives away. Hot tears drip down my cheeks, burning my eyes, and I can just make out his blurry image through the window.
“Sebastian...” I say, trying to reach out for him and then everything fades to black.