CADENCE
There are moments in your life that you wish you could relive; some where you’d do things completely differently, and some just to do the exact the same thing again. And again. And again.
I can’t decide which way I would go with my moments with Sebastian.
Would I have just let him reach for the rosin, shrugged and walked out of his life forever?
Would I have never taken the $50 000 deal?
Would I have not let him kiss me that first time outside his hotel room door?
Would I have torn up the check when he showed up at the school, and never let him whisk me away?
I don’t know.
I do know, that had I any other choice, I wouldn’t have walked away from him. Because, without him, these last few days have been the worst torture I’ve ever endured.
I miss him so much that it hurts to think about him and it hurts even more not to. It had been so long since I’d let myself feel those feelings of intimacy and even sexual desire, when I’d let myself go with Sebastian, it was like everything was new. And it was the happiest I’ve ever been.
If I don’t remember the smiles, the laughs, the kisses, the sharing of our secrets, does it mean it never happened?
Because right now, the only thing that’s getting me through each minute, each hour, is to lose myself in those moments when I was in his arms, and nothing else in the world existed.
The question is, had it all been worth it?
The answer scares me, because it might tell me, that the only way to ever be happy again, to be back in his arms, is to risk everything.
“Cadence?” Sarah’s voice pierces through my thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“Um, there’s a call for you.”
As always, I have to bite down the hope that it’s Sebastian, even though I’ve asked her not to pass on any of his calls.
“Oh, thanks,” I reach out for the phone, “Who is it?”
“It’s Greg,” she says, naming the high school principal. She looks grim and I wonder if he’s said anything to her first.
“Hi, Greg,” I say into the phone, trying to sound as upbeat as I can.
“Cadence. How are you?” He sounds genuinely concerned, and I can’t imagine the position he’s been put in.
“As well as you can expect.”
“Ok, well, I hope it gets better soon. Unfortunately, I don’t think this conversation’s going to help.”
My stomach sinks. I’m not sure what I had expected, but I had hoped that I at least had the support of the school after everything I’d done there.
“Ok.”
“Look, the kids come back next week, we think it’d probably be less distracting for them if, at least for the first week, there’s a substitute for your classes, just so they can get settled into their new term.”
“And after?”
“And I guess, after, we’re still discussing it.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong, Greg.”
“I know, Cadence, if it was up to me, this wouldn’t be a thing, and you’d be in your classroom where you belong, but...it’s not just me.”
“I understand.”
“I’m doing everything I can, OK?”
“I know, I appreciate it,”
“Hey, take the week off to go somewhere, do something fun.” He suggests.
“That’s what got me in this position in the first place.” I say, without a bit of irony.
I hear him sigh, I know he’s in a hard place and I don’t want to make it worse for him. “Take care, I’ll talk to you soon.”
Sarah’s still there when I hang up the phone.
And she’s there when the tears come again.
“Oh, honey,” she comes around and wraps her arm around my shoulders. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair. But we’re going to get through this. We have before, remember?”
I do remember. I remember being in this exact same position seven years ago.
And the wounds that I thought had long been scarred over, feel like they’ve been ripped open again.
SEBASTIAN
“Sebastian!” I hear my name yelled and I jerk into consciousness.
“Ahh, what?!” I snap.
“Geez, man, get your head out of the clouds. Didn’t you hear us calling you?” Jez snaps back, irritated.
“No, I’ve blocked out your voices for the sake of my own sanity!”
“Dude. Chill.” Brad intervenes, in his peacemaking way.
“Sorry, guys, um, was just daydreaming. What’s up?”
“We were discussing the set list for next week. You up for it?”
“Yeah, er, whatever, you guys decide. Just let me know.”
I push off my seat and wander over to the couch, letting my head fall back. It’s pounding so hard, I can barely think. I’ve barely slept in days, and the endless rotation of vodka, then coffee and Red Bull hasn’t been the helpful cocktail I’d hoped it would be.
Being cooped up in the hotel probably hasn’t helped either.
Not that I know the difference.
I descended into my best impression of a zombie the moment Cadence walked out the door.
My heart twists just at the memory. Her face as she accused me of not caring about her, of not trusting her, of not protecting her.
And she was right. I hadn’t protected her.
I’d been blindsided. Those pictures had shocked me just as much as her. And now, when I should be doing everything I can to protect her from the aftermath, it’s too late, she won’t let me.
And who can blame her.
It’s almost four days later and I still don’t know what happened.
I’ve broken every promise I’ve made to her, except one.
She will still always be my muse.
***
“Get up,” a voice says just before a pillow comes down to smash over my head.
“Ferofffugturd!” I say, my voice muffled under the blanket.
“It’s time, mate,” another voice adds.
“For what?” I ask, pulling the blanket tighter around me and squeezing my eyes shut to block out the light.
“To live, mate. To live. And you know...shower.”
I ignore them, hoping they’ll go away if they realize I’m not up for this.
I should’ve known, I’m out of hopes this week.
“ARGHHHH FUCKKKKKNUCKLES! GET OFF MEEE!!” I yell as I feel the blanket pulled off me and two arms grab me by the legs and pull me off the bed.
“OOOMFFF!” I groan as I fall to the floor onto a pile of pillows.
“Leave me alone, cocksockers!” I growl at them, looking at the remaining three members of the band standing there chuckling at me.
“Dude. Seriously, we need to get out of here! We have serious cabin fever,” Jez begs me, and scrunches up his nose looking around the room I’ve barely left in days.
“So, go. I’m not stopping you.”
“All for one and one for all, right?” Marius remind me of our motto.
“I’m pretty sure we meant doing shots and having hangovers when we used to use that saying, bro.” I cock an eyebrow at him.
He grins, “Maybe that’s exactly what I meant.”
Jez comes over and sits down on my legs.
“Say you’ll get up and take a shower at least.”
I try to kick him off but he holds on. He should’ve been a rodeo cowboy.
“Say you’ll have a shower, stinky boy!”
“FINE!” I yell and he gets off me.
I take the chance to grab the blanket and try to pull it back over me.
“He’s going in! CHARGE!” I hear Marius yell and suddenly an onslaught of hands are grabbing at me, pulling my t-shirt off and pulling me by the legs to my ensuite.
“Assault, assault!!!” I try to yell, as I feel the cold bathroom tile slide under my legs and back.
There’s the sound of water as someone turns the shower on and suddenly I’m cold and wet and half-naked in the shower with my three best friends in the world.
And I lose it. And I start to sob.
“Oh shit. We broke him.” Brad stops and pulls back and points to me.
“I can’t tell, is he REALLY crying or is it the shower?” Marius sticks his face in mine and stares at me.
“What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?!” Jez freaks out and presses himself back against the shower wall.
And I don’t stop. Sob after sob wracks through my body, even as my bandmates stand there and stare at me in horror.
“What the HELL is going on in here?”
We hear a fourth voice and turn around to see Dennis standing at the door.
“We, uh, we broke Sebastian.” Jez confesses hanging his head.
“Oh geez, what did you do?” Dennis takes a step closer and I try to bite back the sobs, composing myself.
“We...we tried to get him to take a shower.” Marius adds.
“They were just trying to help.” I finally speak up. I grab Jez’s hand and he helps me up. I smile at him, and even through the pain I’m feeling, my heart suddenly squeezes with love for these idiots standing here with me. Wet. In the shower.
Geez.
“Get the fuck out of here, pencilpricks, and let me get washed.” I say, pushing them out of the bathroom.
They slosh out one by one.
“Hey,” I call out just as they reach the bathroom door, “Thanks, guys.”
They nod, and file out.
And I wonder if living on their love alone is going to be enough for me for the rest of my life.
CADENCE
It won’t stop.
It’s been one week since the pictures were printed.
One week of hiding.
One week of ignoring calls and emails and text messages.
One week of Sarah filtering any communication, and only letting the most important or absolutely ridiculous (for humor value) through.
One week of no Sebastian.
Might as well have been one whole week of no air.
But almost complete seclusion gives a person space, perhaps too much space, to think. And the thought I’m having right now is I’ve finally realized something GOOD that came out of having a sex tape released of me seven years ago.
It’s that the second time around, I know what to expect.
The initial hysteria from family. Then the blame and humiliation. I’ve been sheltered from the scrutiny and judgment of strangers so far, but I know that’s coming. But I’m already experiencing the support and love from those who matter.
And that’s something I didn’t know at the tender age of seventeen, that there are people who will matter, and there are those who just don’t.
It’s easy to brush off the words and opinions of complete strangers, but when it feels like the predominant social conscience has a particular view of you, it can be hard to overcome.
I don’t know what the aftermath in terms of the media has been. Sarah decided that it would be better not to know, considering how I would burst into tears every time I came across a headline or saw the pictures in print again.
But I think it’s time.
Time to get back to my life. And to start the process of moving on.
I thought the tears were for me, for my loss of privacy, for my past and present conspiring to ruin my life. But the tears were for the loss of something else. The loss of something so beautiful, that never really had the chance to become something real.
“Sarah?” I call out to my friend, who’s never been more than a shout away.
“Yeah?”
“I think it’s time for pizza.”
She comes in, brushing her hair still wet from her shower. “Ok! You wanna order in? Or I can pick some up from the place downstairs?”
“No, let’s go somewhere together.”
“Out?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Yup.”
She sits down on the bed in front of me and reaches out and squeezes my hand. I smile to reassure her, and thank her. For being the difference between me getting through this, and not.
She looks at me for a moment, making her judgment and I don’t rush her. I owe her the right to make the decision, she earned it by being my shield for the last few days.
“Ok,” she nods and gets up. “Just let me get changed.”
SEBASTIAN
“Oh look, zombies do revert back to human form.” Jez says as I come out of the bedroom, fully dressed for the first time in days.
“Hey.” I say, and join them on the couch. “What’s up?”
“Nothing much, just deciding where to go to grab a bite. You up for it?”
No. I’m not. But I wonder if I ever will be.
“Come on, man. How ‘bout this, we just go across the road to the pub for a pint and a steak, an hour tops, and we’ll get you back here before the bell dings.”
“Fine.”
“Great!” We all get up and grab our jackets.
“Guys.” We turn to the door as Dennis walks in.
“Aw man, we were just going to go out for a bite.”
“It’ll have to wait.”
“What’s going on?”
“There’s been, well, I’ve found out what happened with Sebastian and Cadence’s pictures and, well, the others as well.”
“Good! Drill that fucker to the ground!” Marius yells, swinging a right hook in the air.
“Shut up and sit down.” Our manager tells us, his voice hard and firm. Something’s happened, something’s happened and he’s not happy about it.
“Dennis? What’s going on, what’d you find out?” Jez presses him.
“Hey,” a female voice speaks up quietly from the door.
It’s Hailey.
“I need to tell you guys something.”