“Get up, guys, get up.” A male voice is calling us. And it’s suddenly bright.
I grab the sheet and pull it over my head. I can hear Sebastian growling his own disgust at being woken so early after the night we had.
“Cadence. Sebastian. Guys, wake up, we need to talk to you.” I think it’s Jez, but I know there’s more than one person in the room.
“Later.” Sebastian growls.
“No. Now.” Dennis’ voice speaks up. That seems to get Sebastian’s attention. He sighs and sits up.
I hear the crinkle of newspaper and then silence.
Sebastian mumbles something and I hear everyone leave.
“Yay, back to sleep,” I gurgle happily and tuck the sheet back under my chin.
“Cadence. You need to get up.” Sebastian says, and his voice is firm. Enough for it to penetrate my sleepy haze.
I turn around and he’s sitting up, looking at the newspaper in his hand.
“What’s going on? I was looking forward to a sleep-in. It’s the right of a teacher during school holiday time.” I grumble, rubbing my eyes, waiting for them to focus.
“I know, baby, I know. But um, something’s happened.”
“What?”
“Look. Um. We’ll take it care of it, but it looks like...” He voice peters off, and I notice he’s still gripping the newspaper in his hand.
“Give me the newspaper, Sebastian.”
“Wait. Let me...” He starts and then fades out again. It must be bad if he can’t even tell me.
“Just give it to me.”
He sighs and hands it me.
There, on the front page of the paper is a half-page picture of me. Of me having sex with Sebastian.
And the words, “Rockstar’s Sex-Crazed New Wife- Ex Porn Star?”
My eyes drift to the row of pictures below the main one, and my blood freezes in my veins.
“Oh my God.” It’s a collage of the pictures from the sex video leaked of me seven years ago.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” I can’t believe what I’m seeing. After all this time, back on the front page of the newspaper. “Oh my god, Sebastian!!!”
Sebastian rips the paper away from me and throws it over the side of the bed. He turns back and all I can do is stare at him. My mind is completely frozen. I can’t even comprehend what has just happened.
“Cadence,” Sebastian starts, reaching out to touch me.
I can’t help but pull away, jumping out of the bed.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.”
Sebastian comes up and wraps his arms around me, trying to hold me, stop me from pacing.
“It’s OK, we’re going to take care of it, it’s going to be OK.”
But it’s not.
Because I’ve been here before.
I know how bad it was.
I know how bad it’s going to get.
It’s not something I can ever get through again.
And then the dam breaks, and I feel my eyes fill with tears, tears that fall and never, ever stop.
I feel his arms around me, but they do nothing.
I hear his words calming me, but they do nothing.
I feel his promises that everything is going to be all right, but they do nothing.
Because nothing can turn back time.
SEBASTIAN
Her sobs are the most horrifying sounds I’ve ever heard.
Because they remind me of my helplessness and her hopelessness.
They tell me that I can do nothing.
They tell me that this pain that she’s feeling, is hers and hers alone, and I can want to carry it for her as much as I want, but not until she’s ready, is it going to go away.
It’s been three hours since the guys brought the newspaper in, and she’s barely stopped crying for a moment. Sometimes, her sobs will fade to a whimper, and I think she’s fallen asleep, but then the cycle starts again.
I haven’t even had a chance to think about how this has happened, and who’s responsible for it.
At this moment, I’m still just trying to figure out how to get Cadence through it minute by minute.
She hasn’t moved from this ball that she curled into when she finally let me lay her back down onto the bed.
And she hasn’t said another word since she first saw the pictures.
These pictures of a most private and intimate moment between a man and woman.
Between her and me. And between her and him.
The pain and humiliation of seven years ago is now dragged to the present. I can’t even imagine what is going through her head right now.
There’s a gentle knock on the door and I ignore it. She doesn’t want to see anyone right now, and I’m not so sure I want to see anyone either.
A minute passes and there’s another knock.
I sigh and get off the bed and open the door a small crack.
It’s Sarah.
“Let me see her.”
“I don’t think...”
“I’ve been here before with her, let me in.” Sarah says softly but firmly.
I nod and open the door wider and she steps quietly into the room.
I watch as she slips off her shoes and crawls onto the bed, wrapping her arms around Cadence.
“Hey, sweetie, it’s me. I’m here.” She whispers, and I see Cadence let herself be pulled into her friend’s arms.
“Can we have a few minutes? Please?” Sarah says to me, and I hesitate, but then leave, closing the door behind me.
The guys are all sitting in the living area, facing the TV with the sound off.
“How’s she doing?” Marius asks, his face worried.
“Not great.” I say, sinking into the couch, rubbing my hands over my face, exhausted. “We know anything yet?”
“Dennis hasn’t gotten back yet. I’m sure he’ll get to the bottom of it.”
The room goes quiet and I strain to listen for voices coming from the bedroom.
“Hey,” Jez says softly as he comes over and sits on the arm of the chair. “You OK?”
I just shrug. I haven’t even begun to sort through my own feelings yet.
“Did you...um, did you know? About the...?” Jez voice fades away as he tries to find the right word.
“The what?”
“The pictures.”
“How the fuck was I supposed to know, unless I set up a camera myself...are you fucking suggesting..?” I snap at him, irritated.
“Whoa, calm down, mate. No, I didn’t mean the ones of you and Cadence, I meant the ones from before.”
“Oh, sorry. I’m just, I’m a little on edge.” I lower my voice, immediately feeling bad for attacking my friend.
“It’s OK.”
“Um, yeah, yeah, I knew. She told me about them when we were away. But I don’t think...I don’t think she thought it was ever going to come up again.”
I push myself out of my seat and stare out the window.
The sky is a flat, dull grey. Lifeless. Not a hint of sunlight or storm. Just like the clouds have died and nothing but their shells are left, spreading out like a canvas of grey cells over the horizon.
I replay her voice in my head, telling me how she had suffered the last time the videos had come out. Where it had taken her, how it had affected her life. How much pain and humiliation it had brought her. And now it was all back. Two-fold. And I was the cause. This wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t with me. I know it and she knows it. So much for promising to protect her after the club incident, I couldn’t even shield her from attacks in our own space.
“Fuck!” The anger suddenly hits me and I slam my fist into the window. The glass holds under my attack, but not without shuddering for a moment, and I shake my wrist, the shock having been sent back up my knuckles and into my body.
“Sebastian.” I look over and see Sarah stepping out of the room, closing the door behind her. “I’ll be in the hallway waiting. Call me when she’s ready to leave.”
“Leave?” I feel the blood drain from my face. I run over to her. “What do you mean?”
“I think you should just go in and talk to her. I’ll be right outside.” Her voice is kind but strong. I wonder what they’ve talked about since I left the room.
I take a breath, steeling myself and open the door to the bedroom.
She’s standing with her back to me, staring out the window in the same stance I was in just seconds ago.
“Cadence. How are you doing, babe?” I ask her. Waiting for her to turn to face me.
She doesn’t.
“I’m...I’m gonna go. Sarah’s waiting for me. But I just ...I wanted to say good bye first.” Her hand comes up to press against her mouth.
I don’t know what I’m hearing. I shake my head to clear the buzz in my ears.
“What...what are you talking about, where are you going?” I stutter, hardly able to get the words out, not wanting to make them real.
She finally spins on her feet to look at me and her face breaks my heart. The light in her eyes is gone, and those normally vibrant eyes are sunken into her face, her cheeks are pale and gaunt. It’s as if he life in her has just died, in the space of a few hours.
“I have to get away from here.” I can’t tell if she’s telling me or begging me.
“No, stay here, I can...I can protect you here.” Don’t leave me, I swallow the silent words.
“No, you can’t. It’s too late. It’s done.” And I know she’s right. I can’t take it back. If I had the power to collect up every printed newspaper, every digital imprint of those pictures of her, I would. I would crawl on my hands and knees to get it done. But it just can’t be. And she knows it.
“But I can help you from here on out. We can face it together.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” She looks up, and it’s almost as if she’s looking right through me.
“Tell me, what don’t I get?” I don’t know how to help her, and it’s tearing me up inside.
“It’s not the same for you as it is for me. One picture ONE time...is one thing. Now they have TWO. Do you know what TWO pictures is, Sebastian? Do you know what that means? To the world, it means I’m a SLUT!”
She yells the word and all the pain she’s feeling is carried in that one word.
“Did you READ what they said in the article, Sebastian? They didn’t call YOU a porn star, did they? It doesn’t matter that sex requires TWO people. But no, it’s just me. Because not once, but TWICE, I’ve been caught fucking some guy on camera and it’s out for the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD TO SEE.”
She’s pacing around the room now. Her hands a wringing and her face is scrunched up, all I can sense from her is restlessness, frustration, agitation. And all I can do is stand there and watch. I can’t reach out to her, because she doesn’t want me to. Because she thinks I don’t understand. And how can I? She’s right. The world is going to judge her so much crueler for this than they will me.
“Do you know how old I was when that first video came out? I was eighteen. And it was of me making love to my boyfriend. Eight years later, again, it was of me making love to someone I thought was the love of my life. No men in between. That last eight years could just be a giant whorefest for me for all they can guess.”
“Who cares?” I throw my hands up, hoping to lighten the situation.
She whips her head around and I can see the last vestiges of blood drain from her face. She knows now I don’t understand.
“I CARE! I’m a TEACHER, Sebastian! What I do MATTERS. Every decision I’ve made for the last five years is to protect me and to protect my kids. How can I face them now, how can I face anyone at the school now? But you don’t get it - hell this is probably going to boost YOUR rock star reputation.”
“Hang on...” I walk up to her. This can’t still be how she thinks of me.
“This affects me, the life I live. Maybe you’ve lived too long in your bubble to know that most people aren’t afforded the same consideration you are. You have a story run about you eloping and having a third testicle, and most people think it’s funny. Well, I can tell you this isn’t funny.”
“Wait,” I grab her arm and swing her around to face me. “Why are you mad at me?”
She sighs and for the first time looks me directly eyes. I have to bite back the need to kiss her pain and anger away. This can’t be solved with sex.
“I’m not.” She sighs again, the air deflating her lungs and her body grows even smaller. “I’m not mad at you. This isn’t your fault...but, it wouldn’t have happened without you. Can you see the difference?”
I do. I know. And I don’t know how to tell her I can’t change it.
“Who do you think did this, Sebastian?” She asks suddenly.
“I don’t know, we’re trying to find out.” I tell her honestly.
“You won’t. Because even if Dennis does, I don’t think you’ll ever know about it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It was Hailey.” She says. And my heart drops. I can’t argue about this with her again.
“Cadence.”
“Stop.” She puts her hand up.
“What?”
“Stop, I don’t want to hear you defend her. Not now. Not over this.”
“There’s no way...no reason she would do this.”
“She was there, Sebastian, she was there! Last night, in the greenroom! I heard her just as we were leaving!”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t think she was going to do anything! I thought she’d just gotten stuck in there and hadn’t wanted to bother us. Fuck, was I wrong.”
“Even if she was, she wouldn’t have done this, and how would she have known about the videos of you from before?” I don’t have any other way to argue this except with reason. But I know Cadence’s insistence has reached a level beyond that now.
“I don’t know. I just know... that she was jealous of me being with you because she wanted you... that she was the only one other than us in that room last night... and now there are pictures of us FUCKING on the front fucking page. And all you can do is say, it wasn’t her.”
I don’t know what to say. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Hailey has no feelings for me but I can’t explain it to Cadence.
“Trust me, please, you’ve got to trust me. It wasn’t her.” I reach out to touch her face and she pulls away, her eyes filled with hurt. And I feel something snap between us. Something break.
She walks to her side of the bed and picks up her bag. Then as if there’s no energy left in her body, she sits down on the bed.
“Don’t go. We can’t work it out unless we’re together. Don’t give up on us.” I beg her softly. I can’t believe this is happening.
“There is no us. I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m so sorry. I just, I can’t do this again. I can’t handle this level of scrutiny, this absolute loss of privacy. But...it’s not even that. You say you want to protect me, but you don’t even trust me enough to consider what I’m saying about Hailey. Or you won’t explain why. What’s the point in protecting me if you don’t even trust me?”
“I do trust you, but you have to trust me. I can’t tell you why, I just, I just know it’s not her.”
“You won’t even consider it? You won’t even ask her?”
I can’t lie to her. I’ll keep her here by restraint, by force, before I keep her here by deception. So I just shake my head. By form of answer. By form of disbelief of what’s about to happened.
“Ok.” She relents. “Then I have to go.”
She stands up and runs to the door but I jump over the bed and slam my back against it before she can get there. She stops in front of me, refusing to look at me.
“Cadence.” I cradle her face in my palm. “Oh baby, my Cadence.” I pull her against my chest and she doesn’t fight me.
Her body breaks into sobs and I feel the tears start to stream down my cheeks. I want to tell her to take me with her, that I can leave all this behind. But the fear that she’ll say no stops me.
“I have to go, Sebastian,” she whispers when her sobs finally die down.
I bury my face in her hair, breathing in those orange blossoms one last time, before stepping away from the door.
“You might be walking out that door, but don’t forget, you’re still my here, there, everywhere and in between.” I tell her.
“And you’ll always be mine.”