CADENCE
It’s been three days since the incident at Patrick’s club and I’ve pretty much seen nothing but the inside of my bedroom. After I left the hotel Sarah brought me home and won’t leave my side. I had to get a doctor to come see me and tell her that I was OK to get back to my life.
A month ago I would’ve told you that laid up in bed for a half a week, what I’d miss most was my kids. But it turns out, all I could think about was the band and missing rehearsals. Missing the banter, missing the music, and yes, missing Sebastian.
What was I going to do when he wasn’t going to be a part of my life anymore?
“Watcha thinkin’ about?” Sarah asks me, her attention still on the road.
She’s offered to take me to rehearsal, and I couldn’t refuse, after everything she’d done for me.
“Um, nothing, just hoping I haven’t become too rusty after no practice for the last few days.”
“You’ll be fine, honey, they’ll understand.”
“I know, but they shouldn’t have to. I don’t want to set them back because I haven’t been up to it, this is serious stuff. It’s just some fun for me, but they’re big business. Big money.”
“Don’t we know it.” Sarah winks at me, and I cringe a little inside. Now that I know the band and the kind of people and musicians they are...and how much fun I have spending time with them, I would’ve done all of it for the experience alone.
The money is the right thing for the school. I just wonder if it was the right thing for me.
***
“He’s not here?” I ask when I get upstairs, not seeing Sebastian around.
“Um, no babe. No big deal, he, er, wasn’t feeling real well this morning.” Brad says, patting me gently on the arm.
“Is it because of me?” I ask, knowing the answer already.
“Wha? No! Jez’s paranoia’s rubbing off on you.”
I know he’s not telling the truth, but I’m not ready to make a thing of it yet.
I scared him off. That night in his bedroom after the incident, I pushed him too far. He had to help me, he’s too good to have just left, but I haven’t seen him since. He just wants to make it clear that he’s holding up his part of the bargain.
I can’t complain, I’m the one who’s held him at arm’s length for a month. And now I’m getting what I wanted all along. And now suddenly five more weeks sounds like a sentence in hell.
***
“Miss Bray?” Jenny, the orchestra’s first flute comes up to me after our weekly Friday rehearsal. A small, sweet Taiwanese girl, I’ve heard her speak maybe ten words all year. But I feel like I know her just as well as any of my kids. It’s just all our communication is through the music. She wears her heart on every note she plays.
“Jenny, is everything all right?” I feel bad once I say it, not wanting to seem so alarmed that she’s come to talk to me.
“Um, no, I don’t want to bother you but...?”
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t think I can be part of the orchestra anymore.”
I am momentarily shocked. She’s been a part of the band for four years, since year eight and now, in her final year, she’s thinking of leaving?
“But, why?”
She goes quiet, looking up at me, and I can see tears starting to fall.
I lay my hand gingerly on her shoulder and lead her to some chairs. She sits down and I reach over to squeeze her hand.
“You can talk to me.”
“My parents just said I...I can’t have flute lessons anymore, they say I have to get a job instead, and, and they’re not going to be able to afford the cost to go to Nationals either. We, we just don’t have the money.” She says the last words and drops her head down, her hair falling to cover her face but I can still see it burn red with embarrassment.
“Oh, Jenny.” I don’t know what to say to her. I’m devastated for her. The problems with not being able to play flute is just part of it, I can’t imagine the burden on such a young girl to have to worry about her family’s financial problems.
I take a chance and reach out to hug her. She doesn’t pull away. Her head is still dropped but I can feel sobs wrack through her body. I don’t blame her, if I’d been told I couldn’t play in the band any more I’d react much the same way.
“Hey, hey,” I lift her chin up. “There’s nothing that says you can’t keep playing in the orchestra. We can work it out.”
“We can’t,” she whimpers, looking at me her eyes sad and wet. “My parents were very clear. I either had to be at school or working. No time for music lessons or rehearsals. And no way to afford the fee for the trip to Nationals anyway, so what’s the point in being in orchestra? Leave that spot for another student who can go, they said.”
“Would you like me to talk to them? Maybe we can work something out, I’m happy for you to have a pulled back rehearsal schedule. You are so talented, it would be such a shame for you to miss it after all the work you’ve put in.”
She just shakes her head and covers her face as her sobs grow louder. I know it’s not just about the music but that the other parts of her life weighing on her as well. It’s moments like this that make being a teacher, being so close to my students so hard. You can only help them so much.
“It’s just so unfair,” she whimpers softly and my heart breaks for her.
“Oh, Jenny,” I stroke her hair gently, letting her have her safe space to let out her frustrations. I have to bite back my own tears. Their losses and disappointments are just as much mine as their wins and achievements.
“I’m so sorry, Miss Bray, I’m so sorry,” she stands up suddenly, looking at me for a moment, then grabbing her bags and running out the door.
“Jenny!” I follow and call after her, but she’s halfway down the hallway before I even get to the doorway.
“Goddammit!” I yell to the empty room, angry that I didn’t get to help her at all.
I stand for a moment, and something breaks inside me. And the utter injustice of it all floods me.
“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!” I grab a chair and slam it down on top of another, stacking them to tidy the room.
I can’t help but let the tears fall. The poor girl. So, so talented, so very hardworking to get where she has with her music, and now, because of...what? money, she has to stop! I have no doubt about the family’s financial difficulties, it’s a common theme of all the kids in the school, being in a low income district. But seeing the impact on the kids and the decisions they have to make, when they should be encouraged for every aspect of their future is so disheartening. And days like today make me wish I didn’t have to see it.
“ARGHHHH!” I yell again, the scream helping to relieve the tension in my blood. I collapse onto my piano stool and sob, for a moment wishing I had the power to save the world.
“Cadence?”
I whip around, there shouldn’t be anyone left at the school and I’m horrified that someone has heard me.
“Sebastian! What are you doing here?”
“Are you OK?” He takes a hesitant step into the classroom, and I wonder how much of my meltdown he witnessed.
I turn back to the piano and quickly try to wipe away the tears. How many times is he going to see me like this?
“Um, yeah, I’m a, I’m fine. What’s going on?”
I turn back around and he’s right there next to me, kneeling down next to the piano stool, staring me right in the eyes.
“Something’s wrong, tell me. Is your...um, is your cheek hurting?” He reaches up, and with a feather-light touch, runs the back of his cool hand against my bruised cheek.
I close my eyes and enjoy the soothing feel of his cool skin against mine. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since that night, almost a whole week. A whole week to process and obsess over what happened. Only to find that it doesn’t matter what I tell myself, when he’s here, in my presence, touching me, nothing else seems to matter.
“Cadence?” He whispers and my eyes flutter open.
“Um, no it’s, it’s not my cheek. I’m OK.” I pull my face away, a little embarrassed that I succumb to his touch so easily.
“Then tell me.”
“It’s just something with one of my students.” I stand up and walk away, trying to put some distance between us so I can think. “Wha- why are you here, Sebastian?”
“I just wanted to check that you’re OK.” He stands up, turning on his feet to follow me around the room.
“You could’ve checked while I was right there, lying in your bed. Or at the last two rehearsals that you missed.” I say to the empty side of the room, wondering if he can hear the hurt in my voice.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just...I had to take care of something. I had to sort something out.”
“Something...more important?”
His head whips around and he frowns.
“Something more important than you?” And then he mumbles something under his breath, and it sounds like, “If only there was such a thing.”
“There is. The band.” I remind him, “I know the band comes above all.”
He doesn’t answer and I know he knows it’s true. And I’m not surprised, I’m not even hurt. Of course it’s the most important thing to him, definitely ranks higher than me, someone he’s only known for a month.
“Not anymore.”
And then, out of nowhere, he takes three steps to cross the room to stand in front of me. Dragging a long deep breath into his lungs, he slides his hands to up cradle the sides of my face, staring into my eyes for a moment before he leans down and presses his lips against mine.