You had zero control over how you fell in love. You didn’t get to choose the speed or what was waiting for you at the bottom. You didn’t get to decide if there were obstacles in your path, or what kind they were. You didn’t even get a say in whether you had a parachute and would float to the ground safely, or if you’d crash and burn.
I had thought I was safe on the ground, only to discover I had been caught on something in the sky. Now all that was left was for me to fall. There were no more obstacles because Nick was done with me.
There was just the fall.
No parachute.
No soft landing.
Just a hard, unforgiving slab of concrete.
And the higher up you were, the faster you fell, and the more the impact hurt.
It freaking hurt.
I touched an ornament on my Christmas tree, the one Nick said was his favorite, and tried not to cry.
It had been two weeks since I’d seen him. Two weeks of nothing but tears and heartache. I tried calling but he never answered. I sent texts that all went unreturned. I stopped by his apartment but he was never home or he ignored me. And every single time one of those things happened, I felt another piece of my heart fracture.
A heart doesn’t break once. It breaks dozens of times, and sometimes there weren’t even pieces left to be put back together. Sometimes a heart broke so much that there was just dust, remnants of what once was. I feared that was how this would end.
Stepping back, I sat on the couch and stared at the tree. It looked perfect, just like I thought it would when Nick and I had picked it out.
A loud knock startled me and had me jumping from the couch before I could think twice about it. I had enough sense to look through the peephole first.
My heart deflated slightly; it wasn’t Nick.
But it was another Blake. I smoothed my palms along my yoga pants before opening the door. I didn’t know what to expect. Catherine had always been kind to me, but then again I’d never deceived and broken her son’s heart before. I hadn’t seen her since that awful night either.
“Oh, dear.” She stepped forward and immediately wrapped me up in a hug. My tense muscles relaxed and I crumpled against her, overwhelmed by the fact that she didn’t hate me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered through my tears. “I didn’t…”
“Shhh… it’s okay,” she said over my sobs, her hand brushing back my hair just like Nick used to. After I calmed down, she shut the door and brought me back to the couch.
“Let me get you some tea.”
I started to stand. “No, no. You’re the guest—”
“Iris,” she began sternly. “You haven’t seen this side of me yet, but I do not take no for an answer when it comes to consoling.”
Catherine didn’t give me another chance to say no, she simply walked out of the room and started rummaging through the kitchen. I’d almost forgotten she had never been here. We’d exchanged phone numbers and addresses when we first met, but she hadn’t had a reason to come over.
“You have a beautiful house,” she said when she came back a few minutes later and set the cup in front of me. I thanked her before taking a sip. I was smiling as I put it back on the coffee table.
Lemongrass.
My favorite.
“How have you been?”
“Oh. You know… super. I’m spending Christmas Eve alone, wallowing in my house. That’s normal, right?” I had been trying to make a joke of it, but my breath hitched at the end, revealing my near sob.
“Okay,” she said. “No small talk it is. I’m just going to dive right in.”
I didn’t know if that was better or worse.
“Nick never chased Colleen,” she began. “First and foremost, remember that.”
He wasn’t chasing me either…
I kept that thought to myself.
“Let me start at the beginning.” She cleared her throat and leaned forward. “Nick was angry when his father left. He became instantly distrustful of the world and I don’t think he ever got over that. He was always waiting for someone to be proved distrustful, so when he learned what Colleen had done, he wasn’t all that surprised or heartbroken. She apologized and she wanted to work it out. I believe she did love him, just not as much as her career. And she knew how both Nicky and I, being Catholic, would feel about the abortion. She did what was best for her, and I think that gave him the reassurance he needed, that people couldn’t be trusted. But, he never thought about going back to Colleen. He’s always been firm: once a liar, always a liar, circumstances don’t matter.”
I wondered if she knew she was breaking my heart, if she knew she was slowly chipping away at the little bit of hope I’d let build in my chest. Looking down toward my cup of tea, I felt tears welling once more. This was crueler than any insults she could have thrown at me. I knew she didn’t mean it that way—Catherine was the sweetest woman I’d ever met. But hearing this, hearing he’d never forgive me and that I’d have to live the rest of my life with this all-encompassing love, knowing it’d never be returned again… well, it killed me.
Nick walked away. Just like he did with Colleen. Just like he said he’d do if he thought the fight wasn’t worth it.
I wasn’t worth it.
And when I thought I couldn’t hurt any more, she reached out and gently squeezed my hand. “Iris,” she said softly. I forced my gaze up and found her frowning with tears in her eyes as well. Moving her hand, she cupped my cheek like she would a small child’s.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you.”
I nodded. “I know, you’re just… you’re being honest. And I-I’m grateful. I’d probably have gone my whole life holding on to the hope that he could someday look at me like he once did, love me like he did. So… t-thank you.” I pulled her hand from my face and gave it a squeeze. I needed to get her out of the house before I started full-on bawling.
“I-I appreciate it, and I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m not feeling well. I think I need to go lie down now.” I tried to smile but somehow those signals never made it from my brain to my mouth, because I felt my lips stay in a flat line. I moved to stand when Catherine gripped my hand and pulled me back down.
“I wasn’t done, dear.” I closed my eyes as my butt hit the cushion, because really… she was killing me. “When their relationship ended he was just more surly, more angry. I think he hated to be proven right, but he was settled because he felt confident in his assumption that people only looked out for themselves.”
She stopped, forcing me to open my eyes. I found a bright smile on her face, like whatever she was thinking about gave her more joy than she’d ever known. So I was floored when she said, “And then you came along, and completely blew his expectations away. I remember the first time he saw you, the first time you started speaking… Lord, he looked so scared.” She laughed as she let go of my hand, finally convinced I wasn’t leaving.
“That’s a good thing?” I sniffled.
“Oh, yes. A man in love is a man afraid. Or at least a man who has the potential to fall in love.” Her laughter tapered off as she scooted closer and wrapped her arm around me. It struck me that this was very similar to the day we met, how she held me in the hospital chapel when we prayed.
“He wants to forgive you, Iris,” she said softly. “He’s sad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my Nicky sad. He gets angry, sure. But sad? Never.” I frowned. I never wanted to make him sad. “That’s another good thing.” She elbowed me in the side, getting a small grin out of me.
Catherine brushed my hair back from my face. “He’s not a perfect man, Iris. But he’s a good man.”
“The best,” I whispered. “You don’t need to convince me.”
“I had a feeling not, but I needed to make sure. And you’re one of the good ones too.”
“Are you on your way to Nick’s?” I asked, eyes forward.
“Yeah,” she said softly.
I stood and walked over to the tree before bending down to pick up Nick’s present. Catherine appeared beside me as I stared down at it, a single teardrop landing on the laughing Santa wrapping paper. Quickly wiping it away, I pivoted and held it out to her.
“Will you give this to him?” I gazed down at the card neatly tucked under the bow in one corner. Her eyes stayed on my face as I gently pulled it out and set it on the mantel. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell him it’s from me. Just… I want him to still have it,” I finished on a whisper.
“Of course.” She looked toward the coffee table. “Well I know you’re tired, so I’ll get out of your hair. Do you happen to have a to-go mug for my tea? I hate to impose, but—”
“Oh no. Don’t worry about it. Gimme a second.” I quickly filled up a cup for her and met her at the door where she was standing, tightly clutching her purse.
“Thanks, dear,” she said as she took it. Catherine managed to balance the gift and the mug as she gave me a one-handed hug. “Don’t lose faith. He’ll come around.”
I gave her a small smile and held the door open for her. “I’ll try.”
She quickly walked to her car as I closed and fell back against the door.
It wasn’t until Catherine was long gone that I realized Nick’s card was too.
It was Christmas Eve, and I was spending it sitting on my couch with a bottle of beer in one hand and the TV remote in the other.
I wasn’t any closer to making a decision. I’d picked up the phone countless times to call the detective from my case, but I could never dial the number. Despite my initial shock and anger, the only feelings left were confusion and sadness.
I thought back to Iris’s words from all those weeks ago when I showed up with flowers after being an asshole… I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean I hand it out for free.
The problem was I didn’t know how to hand it out at all. I didn’t know if I could forgive her. I wasn’t as pure as Iris. I didn’t forgive the driver who cut me off in traffic; I honked and gave him my middle finger. I didn’t forgive Robby Stewart who broke my favorite Tonka truck in the fifth grade; I never spoke to him again.
I wasn’t a man who forgave. I was a man who held grudges. And even though that made me a jackass, that was who I was, and I didn’t know how to change it.
But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized my grudges never really mattered to the parties who’d wronged me. The driver kept going, none the wiser. Robby made new friends. And if I couldn’t forgive Iris, she’d find someone else.
Sucker punched. That’s what that thought felt like.
Hearts were weird. And the concept of breaking them even stranger.
Apparently a broken heart could love just as much as a whole one, because even though she’d lied, I still loved her.
I froze when a knock echoed throughout my apartment. “Nicky, it’s me.” Blowing out a breath, I tried to convince myself it was relief and not disappointment I felt when I heard my mother’s voice.
On autopilot, I got up and unlocked the door before slinking back to the couch and resuming my position. I heard her lock the door and set something down on the table before she moved across the room to where I was.
“You’re an idiot.” I looked at my mother then back at the TV.
“Is that a general statement or are you referencing something specific?” I could only imagine the unimpressed look on her face. But when she stormed in front of me and shut off the TV, I didn’t have to imagine anymore. Because I was looking right at her. Her face was set in a deep frown that managed to look sad, pissed, and worried all at once.
“Nicky,” she said sadly.
“Ma—”
“No. I’m talking now. I understand, okay? I do. But Iris is not Colleen. I know it. You know it. Iris is a wonderful person who was caught in a terrible situation. You talked about the right choice like it was something universal. It wasn’t. There was no right choice that night. What if I had been in that car, bleeding to death, and you had to decide, knowing there was another car coming up, what would you have done?”
I sighed and pulled my feet from the coffee table. The truth was I did understand. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the entire situation was a clusterfuck and there was no right answer. But understanding didn’t take away how much it hurt.
“I can tell she loves you, dear. But I can also tell you this: she is not a girl who will wait around. She’s down right now because she’s hurting and she knows she hurt you. But she recognizes her worth. She knows she deserves someone who can forgive and move on.” My ma kicked my foot until I looked up. “And I know that’s one of the things you love about her.”
She came to sit next to me. “You’ve always had trouble trusting people. Even before Colleen. Despite your belief that your problems began with her, that’s not the truth. You only noticed it then. They began long ago, before you even realized it. It began with your father.”
I opened my mouth to refute her, but she stopped me. “Let me finish. You may not think that’s the case, and maybe it wasn’t the ‘big’ shift, but it was the seed. No one’s born a certain way, believing certain things. It all comes to us as we grow. And just like a flower, it all starts with a tiny seed. Your father planted that seed of doubt, distrust, and fear.” She grabbed my hands. “Colleen was just the water and sun that let it grow until eventually it was so big you couldn’t ignore it. You were forced to see the truth of some people. But you’re so busy looking at that one flower, that you can’t see all the beautiful ones surrounding it.
“Fear can be overwhelming, it can block out everything else. But if you move just a little bit, Nicky, you’ll see all the greatness this world has to offer. There is great love to be had in this world. Don’t confuse that message with the people trying to deliver it. People make mistakes.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“You’re hurting. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be. But she’s hurting, too. And even though technically we can find people to blame, sometimes situations just suck. Don’t wait too long to figure it out.”
I nodded, letting that sink in right before she threw something else at me.
“I went by Iris’s place tonight.”
My heart stopped. It took everything not to ask about her.
How is she?
Did she look good?
Is the tree up?
Is my ornament still on it?
I looked over and saw my mom giving me a knowing smile. Rolling my eyes, I turned to face her completely, her arm falling away, and cleared my throat. “How was she?”
“She’s looked better.”
I looked toward the TV, that knowledge hurting me more than anything else. Iris never deserved to feel down, and the only reason she was was because of me.
My gaze was still on the TV when my ma bent down and kissed me on the cheek. Only when she pulled away did I notice she’d gotten up and grabbed a box. She gently set it down on the coffee table before walking to the front door.
Pausing with her hand on the knob, she said, “If you can’t trust what I’m telling you. Trust that. I don’t know what the card says or what Iris got you. But I have no doubt that it’s perfect for you. Because the woman I know, the woman you love, is incapable of anything less.”
She left, and I got up to lock the door behind her, my head hitting the wood as tears filled my eyes.
When I was younger I let my father fill my head with fantasies of him returning. But he said all that out of guilt. He hadn’t been thinking of me at all. He just wanted to make himself feel better, and when he changed his mind he made sure he wasn’t there to see the consequences: my pain and devastation.
When Colleen lied to me, at least she didn’t give me any fake excuses. She owned what she did. That didn’t mean I could forgive her, but she faced it.
But right now, with Iris, I had no clue how to handle it. How do you forgive someone for a betrayal they weren’t even aware of?
My knee-jerk reaction had been that she was lying and I was being manipulated again. But with some thought I realized that that reaction was based on nothing more than my past experiences, because I hadn’t been thinking about Iris. I thought of my father and Colleen.
Expectation comes from experience.
The more thought I gave it, the more I realized Iris couldn’t have faked it all. Three months of touches, kisses, love… there was no way to fake all that.
I turned around and my stare immediately landed on Iris’s gift. Without another thought, I strode forward and grabbed the box, running my fingers over the card.
My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest as I sat down and opened it. I knew whatever the gift was would pale in comparison to the words she wrote. The card was simple; the front depicted a lone Christmas tree and the inside was blank except for her handwriting.
Nick,
Merry Christmas!!
I’ve never been more excited to spend Christmas with someone. Every single day we spend together is my new favorite day. You mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to express. I’ve never felt so safe in someone’s hold. I’ve never felt such peace in someone’s touch. I’ve never felt so much love in someone’s kiss.
I can’t wait for what comes next.
xoxo,
Iris
Below that was a new note, in a different color, like it was added on later.
I love you.
I needed to say it (or write it, I guess) at least once and imagine you believe me. Maybe it’s easier knowing you’ll never read this.
But I do, I love you more than I know how to say. The only reason I never told you earlier was because I didn’t want it to be said on a breath of lies and misplaced trust.
I look back to this card I wrote before everything went to hell and I think, I can’t believe I was so naïve. My hand is shaking as I write this. Is that weird? Is it weird that my heart constantly feels like it’s breaking? It’s not just once, I’ve discovered. Every time I think of you, it shatters, which is pretty much every single second of the day.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for what Kent did. I’m sorry that part of me is still conflicted over what the right choice was that night. I’m just sorry. But mostly I’m sorry I was another example, another lesson in your belief that you shouldn’t trust people. I hope you don’t lose the lightness you’ve found. You deserve to be happy.
I know I screwed up. But I can’t help but feel like I was set up for it. You can’t live your life waiting for people to fail you. If you do, they will, one hundred percent of the time. Especially if you won’t accept an explanation. I guess I thought it was different between us, but maybe not. Either way, I own up to my mistake. And I’m not saying you need to apologize to me. I just hope you don’t spend your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope you enjoy what you have, and if a time comes where your next partner does disappoint you, I hope you’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
I hope you’ll find the woman you love enough to fight for. I’m just sorry it wasn’t me.
My eyes watered as I placed the card aside and unwrapped the gift. Once I saw what it was, there was zero chance of stopping the tears from falling over and running down my cheeks. It was a set of expensive knives, complete with an engraving on the outside of the wooden box holding them. It read: Nicholas Blake, Executive Chef & Owner.
There was a post-it, explaining that the blank space below was left so I could add my restaurant’s name once I had one.
My chest ached. She was right. Just like I had with Colleen—inadvertently or not—I had been waiting for Iris to hurt me. If we were a sinking ship, she would have been the water that was accidentally pulling us under, but I was the one who fucking drilled holes in the bottom.
It took two to dissolve a relationship. But sometimes there only needed to be one to fight for it. I didn’t know where her head was at. It had only been a couple weeks, but my mother was right—Iris wouldn’t wait forever.
Either way, she was about to find out that she was the only woman I could love enough to fight for.