Chapter Ten
“I watch them, the ordinary people doing everyday, ordinary things. I’d give my warmth and my shelter just to know what that feels like for one quick day. But we’ll never fit in with them, will we, Parker?”
Scout
You know I love you…
It wasn’t a shock. They’d had plenty of conversations about love and its impressive shelf life. But hearing her say such words to another man was like having his flesh flayed off his body.
Isadora was so unique, so different from every other woman he’d ever met. It seemed there was an innate part of her built to love freely and fiercely. How could she not, when she knew exactly what it felt like to be loved so little?
It was as if her heart had stretched to compensate for those who held theirs out of reach—her father, Bishop, perhaps even her brother. But it was her loving nature that drew him in, so he couldn’t very well hold that quality against her now.
Glancing away, he quickly assessed his clothes scattered around the room. Maybe he should go. He didn’t want to leave her, but this was a lot to stomach and the best thing might be to give her a little time and space. Although that seemed like the absolute worst solution for him.
“There isn’t one.”
He paused, hating the effort it took for her to restrain her voice when Bishop was clearly pushing her limits. He wanted to march in there, rip the phone out of her hand, and tell Bishop to go fuck himself.
“He has no hold on me, Sawyer. I just like the way he is with me.”
Parker stepped back a pace, unsure if he should keep listening or at least let her know he was awake.
“Sometimes,” she whispered, her voice a sad rasp of what it usually was, “you give someone your heart and they take it without condition. I gave you mine … and you gave it back.”
She sniffled, and Parker’s heart pinched tight. She shouldn’t know that sort of rejection. Ever.
“I have to go.”
His gaze jerked to the mirror. She set the phone on the vanity, ending the call.
He should walk away, should hide the fact that he’d been eavesdropping, but he just stood there, unable to move, paralyzed by the sight of a slow tear trickling past her lashes. He should not have to see her cry for another man.
You are not going to wipe away tears spent for him.
His jaw locked and his fists clenched. She reached for a tissue and stilled, her gaze connecting with his in the mirror.
“I didn’t realize you were awake.”
She swiped a tissue from the box and blotted her eyes as if her tears were as insignificant as downed leaves caught in an autumn wind. There was no attempt on her part to hide the fact that she’d been on the phone. “That was Sawyer.”
“I know,” he said, voice devoid of censure.
Something warned he should be angry, but he couldn’t muster the emotion. Her tears and the way she ignored them unraveled parts of his soul.
Her eyes closed and she exhaled. Her posture wilted as her hands fell lifelessly to her lap where she clenched the crumpled tissues in her fist.
“I’m sorry. He called and I answered the phone without looking at the caller ID because I didn’t want the phone to wake you.”
That seemed reasonable, considering that he’d almost lunged at her that morning when he’d woken up disoriented. He nodded his understanding.
She lifted her lashes and held his gaze in the mirror. “Can I tell you something, Parker? I mean, honestly?”
Although he hated seeing her cry for another man, he hated her sadness more and would do anything to ease it. He took a cautious step into the bathroom.
“I’d prefer honesty.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing. These past few weeks have been … incredible. I love spending time with you and when we’re intimate…” Her gaze flashed with something that had him catching his breath. “I’ve never felt so desired, so … wanted. You make me feel that way and I like it—maybe more than I should.”
Before he let her words go to his head he silently admitted Bishop most likely had his own unique claim to her heart and he shouldn’t get too cocky. “But?”
“But…” Her expression tightened with regret. “I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t trust myself very much right now.”
“Do you want to go back to him?”
He needed to know the truth before he invested any more emotion into their relationship and before he lost his heart any more than he already had.
Too late.
He wouldn’t be able to step aside and let her go, even if that was the right thing to do. Perhaps she’d hate him for that before she ever had time to love him.
She reached for another tissue and dabbed her eyes. “No one’s ever asked me what I want. All my life I’ve been told what’s best, and dutifully done what was asked of me.”
“You’re not a little girl anymore, Isadora.” He made the statement only to remind her she had a choice, not to mock her in any way.
Why were those closest to her always deciding for her when she’d been taking on big responsibilities since she was a child? It didn’t make sense.
She laughed without humor. “No, I haven’t been a little girl in a long time, but sometimes I feel as clueless as one. That must sound so silly to you, having been on your own since you were fourteen.”
“Not at all.”
He would have killed to have someone else decide for him. That was probably why he always hung around Scout. She had a way of assessing tricky situations and charging forward without hesitation. It was a lot easier to follow her lead than trust his instincts, or lack thereof.
He looked at Isadora, despising the sense of inadequacy he detected. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Your father left when you were fifteen. You’ve been on your own longer than most.”
“But there was always someone watching. I never made the big decisions and even when I became an adult … Sawyer always advised me.”
And wasn’t it honorable of him to climb into bed with her at the first chance he got? Fucking prick.
He went to her and dropped to his haunches, gathering her delicate hands in his. “I want you to be happy, Isadora. I’m trying like hell to be enough for you, but…” His jaw locked, stifling his offer as regret gutted him.
The absolute agony of loving someone hadn’t changed. He’d been so worried she wasn’t ready. He’d tried to wait as long as he could, but he’d rushed forward anyway.
Now they were right where he never wanted to be. If not for Bishop, everything would be perfect.
Parker loved all of her, the beautiful woman, the timid little girl, the imperfect way she defined flawless. He loved every bit of her. It was only the uncertainty of their situation he hated.
He grit his teeth and took a deep breath, forcing the words out. “If it’s him you want … I need to know.”
Jesus, he couldn’t win for losing and it was his own damn fault. But he wanted her without reservations.
Her brow pinched as she visibly struggled to keep her composure. “I hate what he’s doing to us.”
Hate seemed too mild of a word. To think he’d once respected the man.
“Then tell him to back off, Isa. Tell him you’re happy and you’ve moved on.”
Her eyes shimmered as she looked at him and he saw the truth in her gaze. She’d moved on, but her heart had not.
He released her hands and stood, a sharp, insufferable knife of injustice impaling his heart. “I’ll go.”
“Parker, wait!”
His chest tightened, bracing against the pain, as he glared at the door. He was allowed to have limits, but… God, did they cost him.
“I’m here, Isadora. I want you. And I don’t want any doubts between us. You need to figure out what you want. You. Forget everyone else.”
Unfortunately, for her to do that, she’d also have to stop worrying about hurting others, including him. He couldn’t influence her decision if he wanted her to make it honestly.
“But you’re upset. I don’t want you to leave,” she pleaded. “Forget he called. This is what I want.”
She was lying to herself as much as she was lying to him.
“If your feelings for him were gone, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying. I don’t want a future riddled with uncertainty. How long will you play the what-if game? Will it be a few days? Years? Only when he crops up in your life and does something to turn your world on its back? I want all of you, every part, without regret, and I’m afraid I’m not built for sharing.”
The more he tried to convince her the more he convinced himself this was an inevitable obstacle they’d have to work through—no shortcuts. He couldn’t be with someone who always reserved a part of their heart for someone else. No matter how much he loved her.
He turned and faced her. “I think this is something you need to figure out.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answers. You’re the one who said love’s uncontrollable and sometimes we love more than one person.”
“Not like this. You can love him, but I can’t be with someone who’s in love with someone else. You have to make a choice. Who do you want, me or him?”
“I want you…” There was so much uncertainty in her voice he heard the silent and him follow.
Fuck! He forced his voice to remain calm. “You need to figure this out.”
He hoped he was making the right choice, hoped she saw he was offering her more. He was prepared to give her a future. Let Bishop have her past.
“Are you saying you want me to go back to him?”
“Fuck no! I’m saying let him take his best shot, call his bluff.” He looked her square in the eye, leaning over her and bracing his hands on the wall, caging her in. “But it’s going to take more than empty promises on his part. He better be willing to offer you the world on a platter if he expects to knock me out of the game. As it stands, I’m holding on to what’s mine.”
“What does that mean?”
His lips twisted as he looked down at her, regretting that their morning was ruined. “You tell him I said it’s his move, but he better make it a good one, because the game’s far from over.” He pushed off of the wall, tracing a gentle finger down the side of her face, and forced some space between them. “May the best man win, Isadora.”
He had all intentions of capturing the bishop’s queen, but she had to stop hiding from the truth.