Chapter Seven
“He is a king, a wild lion who owns every day and all hours of the nights, but his strength makes him the loneliest lion of all. Even the intimidating creatures desire love.”
Shamus Callahan
As Isadora rested against Parker in the shower, her inhibitions washed away. She sighed as he tended to her body, each stroke of his hand soothing her and pulling her deeper into a state of utter contentment.
“I don’t know if I should be intimidated or excited about the rest of the night,” she confessed breathily, as he rinsed her torso.
He chuckled and nibbled the lobe of her ear. “What do you mean?”
She stretched against him. “You’re very talented. For someone who claims they’ve only loved one other person, you sure know your way around a woman’s body.”
The steady motion of his hands stilled for a beat and he cleared his throat. “Let’s not get too detailed about the people from our past. I think it’s best to leave them there.”
She frowned. Parker was usually so open with her about everything. Maybe he was right and their histories should remain private, but she caught a hint of shame in his voice, which contradicted his typical easy tone.
A terrible thought occurred. “Oh God, was it Evelyn?”
“What? No! God, no. Scout and I shared maybe a couple of awkward kisses and that was it.”
Her relief was short lived. “Then who?”
His touch fell away as she felt his emotional withdrawal. She turned to face him, the water spraying at her back. It wasn’t like him to hold secrets—a positive attribute she didn’t want to change.
“Parker, I understand if you’d rather keep our pasts private, but… You’re being weird, like you’re hiding something.”
His mouth tightened and he glanced away. “There was a woman. She wasn’t someone I was particularly close to, but she taught me how to do certain things.”
Why would that make him appear ashamed? She suspected he’d been with women before. Brushing the topic aside, she nodded and finished washing.
As she rinsed out her hair he soaped up his body, but the mood had shifted. He no longer reached for her or looked at her. As a matter of fact, he seemed to be purposefully looking away.
Shutting off the water, she handed him a towel and frowned when he took it without comment, his focus anywhere but on her. Confused by the sudden change in him, she took a moment to comb the tangles out of her hair and then followed him to the bedroom.
He sat with his back to her on the edge of the bed. The atmosphere chilled considerably and her concern grew.
“Parker?”
“Yeah?” he answered, still not focused.
She moved to the corner of the bed to read his expression, but he was just staring off into space. “You’re being quiet.”
Lines of tension bracketed his mouth as his shoulders rose with a deep breath. “Come sit for a minute, Isadora. I need to talk to you.”
Despite his request, her feet refused to move. Nothing in his tone told her what he had to say was good. This was it. This was the moment every illusion shattered and she learned—again—the dangers of trusting someone with her heart.
Her chest tightened as she prepared for some sort of blow, familiar with how hard an unexpected shift could hurt. “What is it?”
He sighed when he understood she wouldn’t sit. His gaze rested on her face and she remained braced for anything.
He drew in a deep breath. “I want you to know I’ve been with my fair share of women, but I’ve always used protection. Always.”
“Okay.”
That wasn’t too bad. He obviously had some experience. She took a baby step closer, but still hesitated. Should she tell him she’d never used condoms with Sawyer?
“What if I can’t claim the same?”
His gaze held hers, but she didn’t sense any judgment. “With Bishop?”
She nodded. “There was only one other person, but he and I only slept together once and we used protection.”
He glanced at his lap, his expression one of deep concern that she suspected had nothing to do with her. “I’m not really worried about you. Everyone at Leningrad had a great medical package and I’m pretty sure Bishop wouldn’t do anything to put you in harm’s way. I’m more concerned about my own past.”
“Why?”
He looked to the wall, just past her shoulders. “There were people, some names I can’t recall. It’s not something I’m proud of, and I hate that we have to have this conversation, but I want to be honest with you.”
“Have you been to a doctor?”
He nodded. “Yes. I’ve had my blood work run several times over the past two years and it always comes back clean. My doctor assures me if I’d contracted anything from when I was younger it would have shown up by now, but it still freaks me out.”
Okay, maybe this was just a source of embarrassment from his past. She could deal with that. “Why? If your tests are clean, so are you.”
“I don’t know how to explain it without repulsing you, so I’m just going to come out and say it. When I was on the streets, every other person was sick with something. I was selective, but there was no way to be sure. Then after I got off the streets, there was the woman I told you about. She wasn’t someone I dated. She was someone I …” His jaw ticked. “Hired.”
Her head cocked to the side as she processed his words. “A…” She had a hard time saying the word. She’d lived such a sheltered life she never even saw one.
“Prostitute.” He spat, clearly bothered by the term. “Before her, it had always been quick, an itch that needed to be scratched. But I wanted to know what it was like for regular people. I wanted to know how it felt to hold a woman—so one day I could.”
“But you did more than just hold her?”
He nodded and she closed the distance between them, sitting beside him on the bed. So he’d never made love to a woman he actually cared about, was that what he was telling her?
“Sometimes sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one, Parker. I think it’s understandable that you’d want to know what that’s like.”
“But it wasn’t real. It was a job for her and I knew it all along. It bothers me.”
“Why?” She could come up with several reasons it would, but she was more interested in his explanations.
“Because it’s a constant reminder of where I’ve been.” He looked at her, his brows pulling tight. “And then I meet you, and you’re this gorgeous woman who has her life together and has never known anything other than a gentle hand. You deserve to be—”
“Wait,” she interrupted, not wanting him to join the ranks of others that assumed they had her all figured out. “Before you finish that sentence, let me assure you that I do not have my life together and the last thing I need is to be coddled.
“I appreciate you telling me about your past, Parker, but you’ve done the responsible thing and I don’t think your concern’s necessary. You’re right, I’ve never really known anything other than a gentle hand, but I’m not as fragile as everyone thinks. I can handle this. It’s not going to take away from how I feel about you.”
His mouth formed a flat line as his brow creased. “I know you’re strong. But you are fragile. I never want to be the cause of your tears. Part of the reason I waited so long for us to sleep together has a lot to do with my fear that I’m not good enough for you.”
Her head tilted as so many things finally made sense.
“Parker,” she said softly, turning his chin so she could see his eyes. “I feel like I’ve been on a pedestal all my life, never taken down, just moved from one tall place to another, be it for my name, or my social status, or the fact that…” Pain tightened her chest and her voice seized. “The fact that my lover saw me as some crime he couldn’t help but commit.
“You say I’m beautiful, but it will always mean more when you tell me I’m witty or you laugh at my stupid jokes. I can actually take credit for those things. I like being with you, because you’re the first man who sees me just the way I am. I’m no better than anyone else and you’re the first man who’s actually treated me like an equal. Don’t change that. Don’t doubt who you are or what you deserve. You’re an incredible man.”
They were silent for a long moment. Slowly, his hand reached for hers and their fingers laced together, his grip closing tightly around hers.
“It’s hard sometimes, because I look at you and I’m just … staggered. You’re exquisite, Isadora. It’s impossible to ignore. And you’re good. You have this gentleness about you that draws me in. I don’t want to ruin anything, because I’m pretty certain this relationship is the best thing I’ve had in a very long time—possibly ever.”
His words were too much. “Parker…”
“I know I’m baring my soul here and it’s probably freaking you out, but it’s the truth. In the last month, I’ve started seeing you in everything I do. You’re always on my mind. Every time I kiss you I feel like I’m part of some trick, unable to make sense of how I got so lucky. I never thought…” He shook his head and swallowed. “When your brother told you about me, I figured that was it. I’m so used to losing what’s important. I don’t want to lose you.”
Her heart pounded. Each word burrowed deeper and deeper into parts of her soul she hadn’t even realized were empty. Her vision blurred, but she didn’t want to cry in front of him. Casually, she turned away and wiped her eyes.
She didn’t know how to respond to so many sweet words, unsure how anyone could think that much of her. She was speechless.
Knowing she had to say something, she focused on the simplest thing to process out of everything he’d said. “Lucian and I don’t always agree.”
“You have no idea how glad I am for that.” He took a deep breath. “Just … please, keep in mind that my past isn’t a blank slate as far as relationships go, okay?”
A man was actually sharing his vulnerabilities with her. If he only knew how much that added to his character, how much his honesty meant to her.
“Despite our different upbringings, I think we’re both a little bit hardened and fragile and a little bit clueless as far as normal is concerned.”
The corners of his mouth turned up with a slow smile. “I guess we are.”
“We’ll just have to be patient with each other. I trust you, Parker.”
He let out a long breath and laughed. “How do you make me feel like the most powerful man in the world and the most breakable?”
She understood that more than he probably realized. “You know, I never imagined anything like this. When I bumped into you—well, crashed—I was literally dying inside, silently swearing I was finished with men. Sometimes I wonder if it was fate that you were standing around that corner at that very moment. Not only did you save me that night, you showed me how to laugh again, how to take a chance with my heart again. I’m breakable too, but the way you make me feel… It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt.”
He kissed her, slow and passionately. When he pulled away, his fingers teased through her damp hair. “I think, even if this somehow broke me, I wouldn’t be able to let you go. Thanks for not listening to everyone when they warned you away from me.”
She pressed her lips to his and smiled. “Not everyone says terrible things about you. Just Lucian.”
He chuckled. “Somehow his opinion seems the equivalent of a hundred men.”
“Let’s both agree to never tell him you said that. His ego’s big enough.”
“Deal.”
Her lust was replaced with something more meaningful. Trust. Friendship. An alliance of two orphaned souls that seemed destined to cross paths.
Leaning into him, she did her best to explain everything he made her feel. “There are a lot of attractive qualities in you, Parker. Don’t ever doubt that.”
He pulled her into a hug and they fell to their sides on the mattress. His gaze stayed on her face as he whispered, “When I was young I had to hide any signs of weakness. Then as I got older I had to hide my past. I don’t want to hide from you. Maybe that’s foolish, but you make me feel like I can just … be. I’ve never had that with anyone before.”
She thought about her past with Sawyer and how they ended things after she found out he’d kept a secret from her. But she hadn’t always been honest with him either.
So much of their relationship endured for the simple fact that she kept her deepest desires to herself. There were so many things she sacrificed just to be with him and they were never together the way normal couples were.
“You don’t have to hide who you are from me,” she whispered, her fingers entwining with his. “Hiding only hurts in time. I’ll show you who I am if you promise to always show me the real you.”
He gave her hand a squeeze. “You have a deal.”
As they lay in silence, her mind turned over all the things he’d said to her tonight. Earlier, he’d tapped into some possessive part of her, but now… Now she suffered a different type of possessiveness, the sort that made her want to protect him, shelter him from anyone that came close to hurting him. She wanted to give him things he never had and she hoped every part of their relationship stayed as genuine as it felt right now.
He was nothing like Sawyer and somehow that was a good thing. Parker was open and honest and looking for something significant in a cold world, a place to belong where he only needed to be himself. She wanted the same.
She actually felt sorry for every person who ever met him, because they probably missed how incredible the real Parker was. But she saw him.
“Parker?”
“Hmm?” He looked at her, their eyes only a few inches apart.
“Make love to me. I want you to hold me and I want to wake up in your arms.”
His expression shifted and she knew he understood what she was asking. She wanted him, emotionally, physically, and romantically. This was not an itch to be scratched. This was a desire to know him the way no one else ever had.
“You’ll be my first.”
Lifting her hand, she slowly traced a finger along his jaw. She smiled, giving him the same words he told her on their first date.
“Firsts are important. They set a precedence for everything that follows. Let your heart lead. Somewhere in the middle, it’ll find mine.”
He looked into her eyes as if he could see something far off, something that made him smile and caused his hand to tighten around hers. “I wonder if it already has.”