CHAPTER 9
Two hours later, Rae sat on the hospital bed, legs dangling over the side. She stared out at her empty room with its plain yellow walls and sterile stench, wondering how in the hell she got there. This wasn’t her. She never fell apart, certainly not enough to warrant a hospital visit and a Xanax. Whatever happened between the time Travis returned to now, left her feeling like she was barely hanging on. She’d known dipping back into the past would be dangerous. She knew there would be consequences. But now she realized how steep they’d be.
Without Travis in Catfish Creek anymore, everything seemed entirely wrong.
A sudden knock on the door snapped her head up, and then instant relief and warmth stole all the coldness inside as she found two brunettes standing in the doorway. Her best friends always made everything better. The shortest of the three friends, Kate, smiled gently, while Tessa twirled her straight hair around her finger, clearly on edge.
Rae wasn’t. She wanted the hell out of there. Pronto! “Oh, my God,” she gasped, waving them in, “get me the hell out of here.” Apparently, telling the doctors that she was fine and could take a taxi home wasn’t good enough. But, luckily, Kate and Tessa had been home and able to fetch her, promising to be her babysitters for the evening.
Kate reached the bedside first, but Tessa was the one who asked, “I’m glad to see that you’re still you. The nurse said she’d be in soon to discharge you, but for now, you need to explain to us why you’re here.”
God, she didn’t want to admit this. At all. But the truth was a promise between them. Always had been. Always would be. “Well, apparently, I had a panic attack.”
The way they froze statue-still was almost laughable…almost.
Kate blinked a couple of times, but her light green eyes remained wide. “You had a panic attack?”
Rae nodded and gave a tight smile. “I know, it’s shocking. I wouldn’t have believed it was possible either. But it happened, and I scared the living shit out of two elderly people. Poor couple, I think they thought I was dying. The woman thought I was choking. The man kept smacking my back.”
Tessa giggled, hand on her mouth. “That’s not funny, but is still kinda funny.”
“It’s okay to laugh,” Rae agreed with a smile, which felt good in all this confusion. “The whole thing is totally unbelievable. I didn’t even think I could be emotional enough for a panic attack.”
“It’s never happened before?” Kate asked.
“Never.” Rae paused, studying Kate. There was a twinkle in her best friend’s eyes that hadn’t been there the last time she’d seen her, which was at the reunion. But, of course, that felt like a lifetime ago with everything that had happened. “Okay, enough about me for a minute. What’s up with you?”
“Well,” Kate drawled, eyes squinting. “I wasn’t going to say anything right now, considering you’re here in the hospital, but I’m guessing that’s out of the question since you have that answer-me look on your face.”
“Totally out of the question,” Rae said. “I spent an hour talking to a therapist about myself when I didn’t want to talk about me at all.” She waved Kate on. “I want to know what’s behind that look.”
Kate laughed quietly and took a seat in the chair next to the bed. She crossed her legs, displaying the butterfly tattoo on her ankle. “Keeping it simple because I think you’ve been through enough tonight, I’ve picked Denver to go to college.”
“Denver,” Rae said, surprised. Weeks ago, Kate had been undecided between Wyoming and Denver, but that was also because she had her two kids to think about, too. Life was a lot more complicated for Kate than it’d been for either Tessa or Rae. “Okay, this I have to hear. What swayed your decision toward Denver?”
Kate played with her dark brown hair and grinned. “Grayson Cleary, and the fact that I’m in love with him.”
“Wait. What?” Rae pressed her hands flat against the bed, staring hard at a laughing Kate and Tessa before she managed, “Are you serious?”
“Totally serious,” Kate said, softness reaching her eyes. “Seems like fate is actually being kind for once.”
Rae’s heart nearly exploded, and she was off the bed and on her feet a second later, all but lunging at Kate. She wrapped her arms around her tightly. “I’m so, so, so happy for you, and for the kids. I didn’t know it was that serious between you and Grayson.” Hell, all she knew was that things between Kate and Grayson were hot, but she didn’t realize they’d become so heavy.
“Oh, honey, it wasn’t serious”—Kate leaned away and shrugged, still smiling from ear-to-ear—“until it was, and then there was no going back. The kids are happy. I’m happy.”
“Y’all deserve this happiness,” Rae said, glancing into her friend’s eyes, seeing the joy, unable to stop from getting misty-eyed. Kate hadn’t had it easy, not with her jackass of an ex-husband, Jason, and for once, the good guys came out on top, and thank God for that.
Feeling like the world was maybe a little brighter now than it’d been earlier, Rae looked at Tessa, who stood at the door, a special little twinkle in her eye, as well. “You’re unusually quiet over there,” Rae pointed out, moving back to the bed. “Why? Do you have news, too?”
“We weren’t supposed to talk about this tonight,” Tessa said with a frown, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Tessa,” Rae said seriously, pulling up her legs to sit cross-legged. “I’m sitting in a hospital because I had a panic attack. I think I’m due for some good news, so spill.”
Tessa paused a few seconds longer then sighed. “Okay, well, do you remember when…” She hesitated again and then laughed softly. “How about I keep it simple like Kate did? If I told you everything I’ve been through lately, I doubt you’d even believe me anyway. So, here goes. Things were batshit crazy, but everything’s good now, perfect, really. Remember Derek Spencer?”
Rae thought back, recalling that Derek used to hang around with their crowd back in the day, though Rae didn’t know much more about him than that. “Yeah, I think so. Tall, with black hair. Went into the military, right?”
“Yeah, that’s him,” Tessa said, her blue eyes gleaming. “So, we’re together now. He’s got a year left in the marines, and I’ve decided to wait for him.”
“I’m still not sure I’d be okay with such a long wait,” Kate said gently, obviously not judging but concerned.
“He’s worth the wait, believe me,” Tessa said with a soft smile, the same gleam back in her blue eyes. “But I don’t plan on waiting all by myself either, so, here’s where you come in,” she said to Rae. “Got a dog for me?”
“You want to adopt a dog?” Rae asked, feeling a bit winded by all these rapid changes.
Tessa shrugged. “Is that okay?”
“Of course, that’s okay,” Rae said. “In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s about time you got some fluffy love, and we’ve got a couple of real cuties back at the clinic right now available for adoption. Go on over tomorrow and take a look.”
“Great.” Tessa smiled, more honestly than Rae had seen in a long time.
Rae needed this, she decided. The chill, the stress, the pain was easing by the minute with her friends there. She turned to Kate again and asked, “Do you want to go back to your place tonight so I can start helping you pack?” The moment the words left her mouth, emotion clawed at her throat.
Kate exchanged a long look with Tessa. “Ah, listen, Rae, I know you love me and all, but I’ll come back to see you, and you can come see me, too.”
“No, it’s not that.” Tears she couldn’t control began to well in her eyes, and her hands started to shake. “Dammit, it’s happening again. What is this? What’s wrong with me?”
Kate reached up from where she sat, placing a hand on Rae’s knee. “Taking a guess here, but did something happen with Travis?”
Rae wiped the tears off her face again and looked at Tessa, who shrugged. “I caught Kate up on all the happenings in your life.”
“And I was happy to hear the news, too,” Kate said, voice gentle. “It’s about time you dusted off the cobwebs and actually acted like you’re twenty-eight, not eighty-nine.”
Kate meant it as a joke. Rae should’ve laughed. But Rae’s chin quivered, and before she could drop her head into her hands and sob, her best friends were there, hands pressing comfortingly against her.
“Honey, I’m sorry,” Kate said gently.
“What’s got you so torn up?” Tessa asked, rubbing Rae’s back. “Talking about it always helps.”
She reined in her cries, forcing herself to hold it together. “He’s gone.”
“What do you mean…gone?” Kate asked.
Rae dropped her hands, grabbed a tissue off the side table next to her, and dabbed her eyes. “Travis is likely on his way back to New York as we speak.”
Kate’s fingers tightened on Rae’s leg, and she shook her head, obviously confused. “Wait. Why?”
“Why wouldn’t he?” Rae countered, glancing down to the tissue in her hands. “His life isn’t here, it’s in New York. I mean…this shouldn’t have happened anyway. It all still feels like some big dream.” She glanced from Kate to Tessa, watching a couple of nurses walk past the doorway before addressing them again. “And why in the hell do you both look so surprised?”
“I guess…” Tessa said, then gave a half shrug. “I guess I just expected you two to run off and elope or something.”
Kate gave a firm nod, slowly dropping back into her seat, but keeping her hand on Rae’s leg. “That was the endgame here. When Tessa and I talked, we were both sure that this was like your guys’ second chance at love. One you’d both take.”
“I mean, really, Rae,” Tessa said softly, “you two belong together. We’ve all known that since high school.”
Rae wished she knew that because, right now, she didn’t know anything. Everything was changing. Kate, her sidekick, was moving away. Tessa’s life was settled and on a focused path. As for Rae’s life? What a mess! “Belonging together has never been our problem. It’s staying in the same state that we can’t seem to get right.”
Kate nibbled her lip, watching Rae closely. “But if that makes sense to you logically, then why are you so rattled and…well, to be put it bluntly, losing it?”
“Because, apparently, him leaving me this time was a million times worse than before. It’s like my logical mind just shut down, and my broken heart bled out,” Rae said, dabbing away the rest of her tears that lingered on her face. “Hence, the panic attack. It happened after he left.”
Tessa studied Rae intently. Finally, she got her I’ve-got-everything-figured-out look and stated, “I know it might sound weird and all, but your panic attack is kinda long overdue, don’t you think?”
“No, actually I don’t,” Rae retorted. “It was horrible, and I hope to never feel anything like that ever again.”
“Just listen to me for a sec,” Tessa gently pressed, leaning a hip against the edge of the bed and folding her arms. “For as long as we’ve all been friends, you’ve always been the strong one, the logical one, the responsible and sensible one.”
“She’s got you pegged,” Kate agreed.
Tessa gave a firm nod and continued. “You lead with your head, which of course is why we love you. You’re the stable one, the dependable one. You always give the best advice and help keep us on track, but maybe you don’t do that enough with yourself.”
Rae glanced down at the tissue in her hands, her throat tightening again like it had on the street, like she couldn’t get enough air. In the presence of her two best friends, the women who knew her better than anyone, she let her strength falter. When she looked at them again, real and raw tears in her eyes, she did nothing to shield her pain. “I’m not that strong person right now.”
Tessa took Rae’s hand and squeezed it. “I see that.”
Kate squeezed her other hand. “But why aren’t you that person right now? That’s what you’ve got to ask yourself. What happened between you two that’s left you like this?”
“Everything happened,” Rae explained. “It’s like this past weekend, I got a taste of what it felt like to be loved by him again, but it was different, it was better.” Her voice blistered. “I feel broken without him.”
“More broken than you felt the last time he left?”
She nodded. “I feel like I can’t bandage up all the shattered pieces.”
“Have you told him that?” Tessa asked.
“No,” Rae admitted.
“Maybe you should,” Kate said simply. “To be honest, Rae, I think you’re missing something very important here.”
Tessa clearly knew what she meant. Her eyes lit up, and she added, “It’s why it’s so surprising he left.”
Rae felt like the ground was swallowing her up. She wasn’t following anything. And how strange was that? “What am I missing?” she asked.
Kate offered, “Why would a guy who had it all come back to his high school reunion?”
“Yes,” Tessa said. “And why would a guy be so wrapped up in a girl for a weekend and then just leave?”
Rae had all the reasons Travis told her, but something stopped her. For some reason, she couldn’t open her mouth and give the reasons he’d given. They no longer made sense. She kept asking herself why he came back. She kept thinking there had to be a bigger reason. Sure, he’d explained himself to her, but now—maybe because of the awareness and truth in her friends’ eyes—she most definitely believed he wasn’t telling her everything.
“You were planning on opening another clinic…”
How had he known that about her?
She stopped pondering the things he’d told her, and she grasped what her friends must have realized, too. He seemed to know things about her, like her thinking about opening another clinic. Things he simply didn’t have to know. But there was something else…something that made her realize she hadn’t seen things clearly.
For a guy who seemed unsure about his life, he seemed very much decided about her the entire time. “You know what,” she said, seeing the world through new eyes, watching her friends nod at her, clearly reading where her thoughts were taking her. “Maybe, through all this, through all the things I wanted to know about him, I have been asking the wrong question all along.”