CHAPTER NINETEEN
Ryan
CASSANDRA WAS UP before me and already in the shower. Always one to take advantage of a situation, I decided to join her. I watched from the doorway as she lathered soap down her breasts and her hand slid down her body. She threw her head back and I watched as her lips parted. Then she turned and winked at me. The little hussie knew I was there.
I stripped out of my pants and walked in behind her. My hands glided along her soft curves as the soap bubbled beneath my fingers. I felt her wet heat as I reached the apex of her thighs and slowly pushed one finger inside her. My other hand massaged her breast and pulled at her nipple.
She groaned as I pushed my erection against the crack of her ass, sliding in and out between her cheeks. “You like that, Cassie baby? You like feeling my hard cock pushing against that tight hole? I’m gonna fuck you there tonight.” I kissed her shoulder and continued to massage her clit as I pushed my fingers in and out of her.
“Ryan, God, don’t stop.”
“Never. I’ll never stop. One look at you and I’m hard and ready to sink inside you.”
I pulled the shower head down and ran the spray over her nipples, watching them pebble further under the water pressure. I moved it down further until it was pulsing against her pussy.
“Ahh. Ryan, that feels so good.” Her moans drove me wild. I continued to slide my cock in between her cheeks, never filling her, but slipping through the wetness that was dripping from her pussy. I dropped the shower head and spun her around so her back was to the wall. I lifted one of her legs and buried myself deep inside her. Every thrust was a reminder of how badly I craved her and needed her. There would never be anyone else that could turn me on the way she did.
She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled at my hair that was just a tad too long. She liked it because she pulled it when we fucked. I swallowed her cries with my mouth so James didn’t hear her. I fucked her hard and deep, finally coming as her pussy strangled my cock minutes later.
I carried her out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her then set her on the bed. I gave her a sweet kiss and then went back to the bathroom to mop up the water that was now all over the floor. When I came out, she was sitting up in bed with a grin on her face.
“I don’t feel like going in to work today. I think you broke my vagina.”
I laughed and walked to her, stepping between her legs. “I’ll stay home with you, but only if you promise to let me do more dirty things to you.”
“I’d gladly stay home, but I have a meeting that I can’t put off. There’s no time to reschedule before we renew our vows.”
“Fine. Tease me and leave me.”
She pushed me slightly and bit her lip, something that drove me absolutely crazy.
“Put your clothes on before I tie you to the bed and force you to be my sex slave.”
I turned away to get dressed before I made good on my threat. James was down right on time for breakfast and soon we were out the door. James climbed in my truck and I grabbed Cassie before she could get in her car.
“I’m cashing in tonight on taking your ass.”
She shivered and I pulled her in for another kiss, needing to taste her again before I went to work. “Love you, Mrs. Jackson.”
“Love you too, Mr. Jackson.”
I dropped James off at school and then headed in to work. My morning was filled with meetings and I finally got a break around eleven to check my emails and return some phone calls.
“Ryan.”
I looked up to see Sean standing in the door. He looked nervous or..something.
“Hey, Sean. How’s it going?” I asked as I got up and walked around my desk. Logan stepped in the office behind him and he wouldn’t look at me. “What’s going on?”
“Ryan, there was an accident this morning.”
My heart started pounding painfully in my chest. The way he was talking and the fact that Logan wouldn’t look at me wasn’t good. I looked down and noticed my hands were shaking.
“Cassie was headed out of town and someone blew a stop sign. The truck plowed right into the driver’s side.”
My throat was dry and I had to clear it several times to speak. “Which hospital?”
Sean shook his head. “I’m sorry, man.” His voice cracked and I saw a shimmer in his eyes. “She’s gone.”
My vision blurred with tears and my breaths came in deep pants. No. This couldn’t be happening. I just saw her this morning. I just made love to her.
“No. No. You’re wrong. It was someone else. Did you try calling her?”
I frantically pulled out my phone and fumbled over the screen to pull up her name.
“It was her car. I saw her myself. It was quick.”
My head snapped up. “It was quick? What the fuck does that mean? It was quick, so it’s alright?”
“No, I just mean she didn’t suffer.”
“Logan,” my voiced cracked. He finally looked up at me and his face said it all. This wasn’t some dream or bad joke. Sean was really here telling me that my wife, the love of my life was gone. Just like that.
“No. No.” I fell to my knees just as Sean stepped forward and caught me. My hands fisted the back of his shirt as I fought him. He held me tighter as I tried to break free from him. “No. Cassie!” I yelled her name over and over as my heart broke into little pieces. The pain in my chest intensified until it felt like my body was being smashed to little bits. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real. I couldn’t live in a world where Cassie no longer existed.
Sean sat there with me as I fell apart on my office floor. I felt Logan place his hand on my shoulder and give it a squeeze. I broke at that moment, squeezing Sean tighter to me and screaming at him that she couldn’t be gone.
I sat there for the longest time with tears streaming down my face as I gripped onto my friend’s shirt like a lifeline. I finally pulled back feeling completely lost and numb. My tie felt like a noose around my neck, so I yanked at it until I pulled it free. I fisted large clumps of hair in my hands, much like Cassie had just done to me this morning. What did I do now? We were supposed renew our vows this weekend. We were going to take James..Oh fuck. James.
I closed my eyes as I thought about the kid that would be waiting for her after school like always. She always picked him up and today she wouldn’t be there. What the hell was I going to do? I had no idea how to handle this.
“How the fuck do I tell James his mother is gone?” I rubbed the tears from my eyes and stood up. I couldn’t afford to fall apart anymore. There was a boy that was going to need me and I was the only parent he had left.
“Why don’t I drive you over to the school? I can call ahead and ask them to pull him out of class and meet us in the office.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to do. I walked out of the office in a daze. People were staring at me with sympathy all over their faces and it made me want to break down all over again.
“Logan, I..”
“Don’t worry about anything here. We’ve got it covered.”
I nodded and followed Sean out the door to go break my son’s heart. My son. Never had that name meant more to me than it did right in this moment. He was my son and the last piece of Cassandra I would ever have.
✯✯✯✯✯
I stepped out of Sean’s truck, but I couldn’t go any further. My legs wouldn’t carry me into that building where James was waiting. He had no idea why he was pulled out of class. He was sitting there wondering what was going on and I should go tell him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Sean stepped up next to me and waited for another five minutes with me. He had been looking at me like he wanted to say something since we left my office, but I didn’t have a clue what more he could say. Maybe he wanted to tell me it would all be alright. It would never be alright.
“Maybe we should wait. I should see her first. I need to be sure it’s her before I tell James something like that.”
“You don’t need to see her like that.”
I swallowed thickly. “Is it bad?”
“Yeah.”
The tears started again and I tried to blink them back, but it just wouldn’t work. They just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them.
“But she didn’t suffer?”
“No. The coroner said it was quick. She probably didn’t even know what happened.”
My breath stuttered as I tried to pull myself together.
“What do I tell him. How do I..”
“I don’t know, Ryan. There’s nothing you can say that will make this okay for him. How would you want to be told?”
I sucked back the tears and wiped my face. I didn’t think I’d be able to hold back when I told him, but he didn’t need to see me already broken. He needed me to be strong for him.
Sean and I walked up the sidewalk to the building, each step pounding louder and louder in my head. I sucked in deep breaths, trying to keep as calm as I could. When we reached the entry doors, the principal was waiting for us, a sad expression on his face.
“Mr. Jackson. We’re all so sorry for your loss. Cassandra was a great woman.” I nodded, not really hearing him. I was focused on the boy that I could see sitting in the office. He was swinging his legs under the chair and looking at a poster on the wall. In a minute, his whole world would turn upside down. I just wanted to give him one more minute of innocence.
“We thought you might like a quiet place to take him and tell him what happened. We have a room by the parking lot that’s quiet and has it’s own exit. You can slip out that way so you don’t have to walk back through the school.”
I nodded and cleared my throat. “Thank you.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” Sean asked.
I should probably say no and do this on my own, but I couldn’t. I needed someone there in case I lost it.
“Please,” I whispered. I closed my eyes one last time to pull in my emotions. Then we stepped into the office and James jumped up from his chair.
“Ryan! Are you here to pick me up early?”
“Yeah, bud. I am.”
“Cool. Are we going somewhere?”
“We’re gonna go home, but first we need to talk.”
“Okay.”
“You can follow me,” the principal said.
We followed him down the hall to the room that he had set aside. There were a couple of couches and armchairs and I was glad that we had someplace comfortable to talk.
“Sit down, bud.”
He sat down on the couch and I sat next to him. Sean took a seat across from us in an armchair.
“Remember how we talk about you being a man now?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, right now, I need to tell you something and I need you to be strong, okay?”
He looked to Sean and then back to me an nodded.
“This morning, your mom was on her way to a meeting and she got in an accident. It was pretty bad and..” I took a deep breath and blew it out. “She didn’t make it. She’s gone.”
Silence. I looked at him and there was nothing there. He didn’t give me any hint at what was going on in his head. Maybe I had gone about this wrong.
“When is she coming back?”
Fuck me. I looked at the ceiling, trying my damnedest to hold it together.
“She’s not, James. She died.”
“No. She was supposed to pick me up from school today. We were gonna pick up my tux for the wedding.”
“I know.” I swallowed thickly, but I couldn’t hold it back. Tears filled my eyes again as I looked at James and saw the confusion. Slowly, his face crumpled and he shoved his body against mine. I wrapped my arms around him as he cried into my shirt. Just an hour ago I was in this same position with Sean. I rubbed his back, hoping that I could ease his pain a little.
“Ryan, what’s gonna happen now? Are you gonna send me to live with my real dad?”
I shook my head fiercely. “Not a chance. You are my son and you always will be. You’re coming home with me and we’ll deal with this together.”
“Why? I didn’t tell her I loved her this morning.”
“That’s okay, bud. She knew. You were her whole world. She loved you so much and I swear to you that she’s still looking after you.”
We sat there for a few minutes, me holding him while he cried silently and trying to be strong.
“I don’t want to be here anymore. Can we go home?”
“Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
James was quiet as Sean drove us home. My truck was at the house, along with a whole line of other cars and trucks. Each of my friends was waiting outside the house for me. I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad about that. Part of me wanted to be alone, but I was worried that I would break down and scare James. I still needed to call his grandparents.
James and I got out of Sean’s truck and walked toward the line of people at my door. James latched onto my hand and I squeezed his in return. I needed him to hold me up just as much as he needed me. Each one of my friends gave me a hug and every one of them leaned down and whispered something to James. He nodded to each of them, but when he reached Drew, he listened and then flung himself in Drew’s arms. Drew clung to him and carried him inside, like he was a little kid. They disappeared and I thanked God that I had someone that could connect with him right now. I was so lost inside my head that I wasn’t sure what to say to him.
I stood in the doorway to my house, not sure if I really wanted to be here. I glanced to our bedroom where I had just made love to her this morning. I walked over and stood in the doorway, staring at our bed that was still rumpled from where I set her down in a towel. I closed my eyes and remembered every morning that I woke up with her wrapped in my arms. I rubbed my fingertips together, still able to feel her soft skin beneath them. Her perfume lingered in the air as if she was standing right next to me.
I leaned back against the doorframe, my head hung back as I took more deep breaths. That was how this day was moving for me, one deep breath at a time. I walked into the living room and saw the chair that she snuggled in as she read by the fire. Her book was still sitting on the end table with her page marked. She never finished it.
“I called her parents for you,” Logan said as he stepped closer to me.
“How did they take it?”
“Pretty bad. They said they’d be here as soon as possible. That was about an hour ago, so I’m guessing they’ll be here any minute.”
“I should make sure there’s something to eat.”
When I stepped into the doorway of the kitchen, I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Cassandra dancing to her favorite songs while she made dinner. She sang into her spatula as she tossed her hair around. Her smile lit up the whole damn kitchen, but then she was gone. I’d never hear her singing off key to the high notes or taste the food that had burned because she was too busy singing to watch the pan.
“We’ve got this covered. You just tell us what you need,” Cole said.
“I can’t fucking breathe. How do I breathe without her?”
“Dad?”
I turned around to see James watching me with tears stains on his cheeks. That was the first time he’d ever called me dad.
“Yeah, son.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just sit here.”
I didn’t either. Everything around me reminded me of her and I couldn’t just stare at the wall waiting for the time to pass. I walked over to him and took his hand. We walked outside and over to the tree stump where I chopped wood. I showed him how to use the axe and watched as he took a few swings. When I was satisfied, I started splitting the bigger logs, cutting them down to size for him. The guys joined me and started in on other things. Cole and Logan helped me chop up the larger pieces. Drew hung around James, making sure he didn’t cut off his foot. Jack and Sean carried wood into the house and piled it on the wood rack. Sebastian and Luke went to start cutting down more trees.
I wasn’t sure how long we worked out there. It was getting dark when I finally felt myself wearing down. Drew and James were sitting on the porch talking with his grandparents. I wasn’t sure when they had shown up. Sebastian and Luke were hauling back pieces of the tree they had cut down. Sean and Jack were picking up tree branches that were scattered across the yard. I looked over at Cole and Logan and nodded. There was nothing more to say.
We all headed back inside where I grabbed beer for everyone. I didn’t remember there being this much in the fridge, so someone had come prepared. I handed them out and when James stuck out his hand, I put one in his, laughing at the memory of the night I told him to grab a beer.
“Ryan, I don’t think that he should-”
“He became a man today,” I said as I stared Cassandra’s mother down, daring her to challenge me. She quietly agreed and we all raised our beers.
“To the most beautiful woman I ever knew, the best mother, and the most loving wife a man could ask for.” I closed my eyes and pictured her smiling at me and whispering how much she loved me. When I opened my eyes, I looked at James.
“To my mother. She was my best friend and-” he cut off when his voice shook and dropped his head. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked back up at me. “I miss her so much already.”
“Me too, bud.”
“To Cassandra,” her dad said as he lifted his bottle. We all drank to my beautiful wife who was no longer with us. I bent down and gave James a big hug, needing to feel some piece of Cassandra. James finally drank a sip of his beer and cringed as it went down, but took another drink. It was another hour before everyone left. Cassie’s parents took one of the bedrooms downstairs and turned in for the night.
James and I walked upstairs. I had no desire to sleep in my bed without Cassandra. James got ready for bed and I sat on the couch outside his room. About a half hour later, James came back out.
“Could you come lay down with me?”
“You bet.”
I climbed on the double bed and stared up at the ceiling. I didn’t feel any more tears coming. I had cried more than I ever thought possible today. Now I was just numb. There was so much to think about, but I just couldn’t do any of it tonight.
“Dad, is it always going to feel like this?”
“I hope not. I can’t make any guarantees, though.”
“What’s gonna happen tomorrow?”
I blew out a breath. “We have to plan the funeral. Other than that? I have no clue. I guess just keep breathing.”
“Can I help you plan it?”
“I need you to help me plan it. Can I let you in on a little secret?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m just barely holding it together. I know I told you to be strong, but it’s okay not to be.”
I heard him sniffle and his breathing grew heavy. I reached for his hand and he eagerly gripped it as if he were afraid I would let go. We laid there in the dark of his room just breathing and occasionally crying. Hours later, I heard his breathing even out and only then did I allow myself to drift off to memories of Cassie.