CHAPTER SIX
Cassandra
I HAD WANTED to apologize to Ryan when he got home from work. I had been really hard on him and I could see it on his face when he got up this morning that I was wearing on him. He hadn’t come to bed last night and when I went downstairs to find him, he was asleep in the chair. I didn’t want to wake him in case he didn’t want to be around me.
I couldn’t explain why I was acting the way I was. I was so worried that I had introduced Ryan to my son and it would somehow screw him up. When I heard him telling James about sex, I was just so shocked at how detailed he was being that I lost it. I had been the sole parent to my son for so long that I wasn’t sure I knew how to let go.
Headlights shown through the window and I stomped over to the window to look out. It was past eleven and he was just getting home. He hadn’t called or sent a text to me and that was just rude. I couldn’t see much because the headlights were still shining, but someone got out and crossed in front of the pick up and then two figures were walking toward the door. I swung the door open and glared at Ryan who was being held up by Logan.
“What the hell is this?”
“Hey there, wifey. I got a little drunk, so my pal Logan brought me home.”
“How much has he had to drink?” I asked Logan.
“Enough that the bartender cut him off,” he said as he pulled a stumbling Ryan through the door and plopped him on the floor near the bedroom.
“What the hell was he thinking? He has a family at home now to think about.”
“Does he?” Logan asked. He stared me down for a moment and I started to squirm under his penetrating gaze. “You want me to get him in his room? Or maybe he should sleep downstairs again?”
I had a feeling that Logan knew way too much about what was going on between Ryan and I. I suddenly felt the need to defend myself. Logan couldn’t know everything that was going on between us. He’d only heard Ryan’s side.
“Look, things between us have been tense, but that’s no excuse for him showing up drunk at this hour. There’s a little boy upstairs that waited on him to come home because he promised to read with him. You tell me how that’s fair.”
“What happens between you two is your business.” He looked over at Ryan and I followed his gaze. Ryan was slumped over against the wall passed out. “All I know is that he thought he was going to be helping you out and ever since he married you, he feels like he’s failing you. He’s trying. Maybe you should think about if you could say the same.”
He turned and walked out the door, driving away moments later. I turned back to look at Ryan and felt shame creep in. Logan was right. Ryan had been trying to help me and I’d just been shitting on him. I wasn’t even sure if I’d thanked him for all he’d done for us. I walked over to him and tapped him on the face to wake him.
“Hmm?” His eyes fluttered open and a faint smile touched his lips. “Wifey! I think I fucked up. Are you gonna yell at me some more?”
“No, but I think we should get you to bed. I don’t think you’ll be very comfortable sleeping against the wall.”
I grabbed him around the arm and stumbled a few times trying to get him up. We struggled to make it to the bedroom and when I finally got him on the bed, he was passed out again. I took off his shoes and tie, but left the rest of his clothes on. I placed a wastebasket on his side of the bed and climbed in next to him.
As I laid in bed, I thought about how nice it would be to lie next to him as the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If only things were that simple. It took me a while to fall asleep because Logan’s words kept me awake. I felt absolutely terrible that Ryan had done this amazing thing for me and I had been yelling at him and criticizing him for the past four days. I wasn’t sure how, but I would make it up to him before I totally destroyed what he was trying to do for me.
✯✯✯✯✯
“Oh fuck.”
I rolled over to see Ryan’s arm draped over his face to block the light. I got up and pulled the shade to block the light from coming in. It was a little later than I normally got up, but I didn’t care this morning.
“Can I get you anything?” I asked as I sat down on the bed.
“No. I just need a shower.” He sat up and gripped the sheets as if he was trying to hold on for dear life. “How did I get home last night? I didn’t drive, did I?”
“No. Logan dropped you off. You were quite drunk.”
“Yeah, well. Shit happens.”
He got up and stumbled to the bathroom, so I went into the kitchen to make coffee. I could hear James upstairs moving around, so I went ahead and made breakfast. I wouldn’t have a lot of time to get ready this morning, but I needed to be sure that my son was at least fed.
When Ryan got out of the bathroom, I called upstairs to James that his breakfast was ready and then went to take my shower. Ryan looked like shit this morning. He didn’t shave and he looked really hungover. Not at all the professional Ryan that I knew.
“Not shaving again today?”
“Well, yesterday the bathroom was occupied and I don’t have time this morning, so this is how I’m going. You got a problem with that?”
I guess I deserved that. I hadn’t been very kind to him, so I supposed it was only so long before he got tired of my shit.
“I made you some breakfast. I thought it might help.”
He grunted and finished getting dressed.
“I’m sorry about-”
“Look, can we not do this today? I feel like shit and I have to get to work.”
A small stab hit me straight in the chest. I knew I didn’t have any right to feel so hurt, but I was trying to apologize for my shitty attitude. Maybe it was just too late. “Sure. If James is done eating, we’ll take you to work.”
I walked out of the bedroom as tears pricked my eyes. I would not cry. I would not cry. I had done this to myself. He just needed some space now and maybe when his hangover was gone we could talk and work things out.
James was finishing up eating, so I grabbed my travel mug and filled it with coffee. “Why don’t you get your shoes on. We have to drop Ryan off at his office this morning, so we need to leave.”
He hopped down off the stool and slunk over to the door by the garage. He was still disappointed that Ryan hadn’t been home last night to read with him. For the first time in his life, he felt like he had a father figure to hang out with and already he was being disappointed. I tried to tell him that Ryan must have had to work late, but it didn’t mean a thing to him.
Ryan walked over to the garage door and pretty much ignored James as he walked out to my car. James’s face turned angry and I knew what was coming. James got in the car and slammed the door.
“You broke your promise to me,” I heard him say as I opened the driver’s side door. “You said we would read last night and you didn’t come home.”
Ryan didn’t say anything. He just sat there and ignored James which just made things worse.
“I knew you’d be a shitty father,” he grumbled.
“James! You do not speak like that.”
“It’s true. You told me we were going to be a family, but he’s only around when he wants to be.”
“Hey, kid. I may be a shitty father, but I’m a fuck of a lot better than your real dad that walked out on you.”
“Ryan!” I yelled and he glared at me, daring me to say anything else. I didn’t know what to say. I looked back at James and he had tears running down his face. I had always tried to tell James that his dad was off in the military and couldn’t come home, but the last few years, he had come to realize that his dad wasn’t there because he didn’t want to be. Now Ryan had just shoved that in his face.
I threw the car in gear and dropped Ryan at the office before taking James to school. When we got there, I parked in the overflow lot instead of going in the drop off line. Turning around in my seat, I could tell that James was having a hard time dealing with everything.
“James, I don’t want you to listen to Ryan. He’s having a bad day and he took it out on you. If your father was able to be here, he would.”
“Why did he leave us? Did he really not want me?”
My heart broke as my son tried to understand the stupidity of a father that couldn’t stick around for his son.
“Baby, I don’t know why people do what they do, but I promise you, you will always have me and no matter what happens, we’ll get through it together.”
He still looked completely dejected and I just couldn’t stand to send him into school feeling miserable.
“How about you and I have a day to ourselves?”
His head shot up and a smile spread across his face. How could anyone ever make him feel like he wasn’t enough?
“Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t feel like going into work anyway. We’ll go have some fun.”
✯✯✯✯✯
James and I spent the day having fun. I called his school and told them he was sick, then I called my secretary and told her I would be out for the day. There was no one so important that I couldn’t blow off for a day with my son.
We went to Pittsburgh and spent the morning at the zoo. Then we got lunch at a diner and stopped by an ice cream parlor. We tried a scoop of every flavor, which I was sure I would regret later, but in the moment, it was fun.
We caught an afternoon showing of a new movie that was out and feasted on popcorn and candy. I hadn’t seen James have such a good time in so long and that made me a little sad. Maybe all my penny pinching had taken a little too much of the fun out of everything. I’d have to be sure that I still worked in fun things for us to do.
We headed back home and picked up groceries to make tacos for dinner. When we pulled in, Ryan was already home and he flung open the door and took a few steps out. I didn’t bother pulling into the garage because he looked really upset.
“Ryan? Is everything okay?” I asked as I got out of the car.
His eyes were searching and when he saw James step out he looked..relieved?
“What’s going on?”
“The school called me. They were trying to reach you about getting James’s homework. They called your office, but your secretary said you weren’t in and they couldn’t reach you on your cell phone.”
“I took James for a day out. I thought it would be good for us.”
He ran his hand over his short hair and then down his face. “I tried calling you and when you didn’t answer.. Anyway, I picked up your homework, bud.”
James stormed past Ryan. “I’m not your bud.” He walked in the house and slammed the door. Ryan actually looked really upset, but after everything that had happened the last few days, I wasn’t sure what to say to him.
He turned and headed back into the house, so I grabbed the groceries and took them into the kitchen. After everything was unloaded, I started walking upstairs to talk to James, but I stopped when I heard Ryan’s voice.
“Buddy, I know I screwed up this morning. I should have never said that about your father. I don’t know the details of why he isn’t here, so that wasn’t fair.”
“It’s true, though. My friends all have their dads with them. If my dad wanted me, he’d be here.”
“Forget about him. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I wanted to jump up and tell him not to make promises that he couldn’t keep. We hadn’t decided what we would do when we got through this upcoming custody battle.
“You say that now, but last night you weren’t here.”
“I know. I screwed up, buddy. I made you a promise and I should have kept it. I feel horrible that I missed out. In the future, if I won’t be home in time, I’ll call and let you know.”
I didn’t hear anything else, so I took that as my cue to leave before I got caught eavesdropping. I went back in the kitchen and got started on the taco meat. Ryan came in a few minutes later and stood across the island from me.
“I’m sorry about last night. I don’t remember much, but I’m sure that was not how you wanted me to come home.”
“I need to apologize too. I haven’t been giving you very much leeway. I know you’re trying and I’ve been nagging at you about everything.”
“Well, there may have been one or two things that weren’t my finer moments. I swear I used to drink beer with my dad.”
I laughed at how he held up his hands in surrender.
“Aside from that, you have been trying and I haven’t really acknowledged that.”
“I swear to you, I knew what I was getting into when I asked you to marry me. I really am trying to be a father to him. It’s just an adjustment for me. It’s not like I became a father the day he was born, so it’s hard being thrown in at the age of ten.”
“I know. I overreacted to some things. The sex thing, I know that it probably took you off guard.”
“You can say that again.”
“It’s not the way I would have handled it, but maybe it was better coming from you. I just hope you’re prepared for when puberty hits and he has more questions.”
He cleared his throat uncomfortably, but smiled. “I’ll try.”
He helped me finish making dinner and then the three of us sat down as a family and ate dinner.
“So, Ryan are you going to read with me tonight?”
“I need to help your mom clean up, but then-”
“No. It’s okay. You guys go on. I’ll do the clean up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. James and I spent the whole day together. You guys go have fun.”
James took off for the stairs and Ryan smiled at me and then followed. I heard Ryan and James talking briefly about Harry Potter and then it was quiet. I cleaned up the kitchen and then went to soak in the tub. I felt a little strange still about taking a bath when it didn’t feel like my house yet, but I told myself to get over it. After I was turning wrinkly, I got out and wrapped a towel around myself. Looking around the bathroom, I realized that I had forgotten my clothes in the bedroom. I snuck a look into the bedroom and saw Ryan getting undressed already. I had no idea what time it was, but it must be at least eight-thirty.
Ryan looked up as I walked out clutching the towel to my body. His eyes slowly roamed my body before they came back to my face.
“Did you have a good bath?”
“Yes. I just forgot my pajamas out here.”
“Why don’t you put on some underwear and I’ll give you a massage?” I chewed my lip as I tried to figure out his ulterior motive, and Ryan must have read it all over my face. “I swear, no funny business. I just thought a massage would feel nice after your bath.”
I nodded and quickly got some panties out. He turned around and I slipped them on and then climbed under the covers on my belly.
“It’s gonna be hard to give you a massage if you’re all covered up.” He walked into the bathroom and returned moments later. The covers were removed and I felt the cool air hit my skin. I heard Ryan rubbing his hands together and I peeked up to see him rubbing lotion in his hands.
He wrapped his large hands around my leg and started massaging the lotion into my legs. When he was done, he started on my feet, digging his thumbs into the arch of my foot and heel, getting all the sore spots. I groaned at how wonderful it felt.
“It’s probably best if you don’t make those kinds of noises right now. You’re practically naked.”
I buried my face in the pillow to hide my embarrassment. I heard him chuckle and then he moved on to the other leg. His fingers were magical and soon I was drifting off. I felt him move to my back, but I was so relaxed that I didn’t really pay attention. My body just kept relaxing further and further into the bed until I was almost asleep.
“Sweet dreams, Cassandra,” Ryan whispered in my ear before I fell asleep.
✯✯✯✯✯
“Grandpa!” James ran to my father and practically ran him over. My parents had invited us over for Sunday dinner and I was surprised at how willing Ryan was to come along. We had moved all that we could from my apartment yesterday and just had to decide what to do with the stuff I wouldn’t be bringing to Ryan’s house.
“Cassie, girl. It’s good to see you again.” Dad leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek and wrapped me in a warm hug. I loved coming to visit my parents. They were always so supportive of me.
“Dad, I’m glad you asked us to come out. James was excited to finish working on that project with you.”
“Well, maybe Ryan wants to come help us out, seeing as he’s in construction.”
“I’d be glad to.” Dad and James ran off to the backyard, but Ryan lingered for a moment before walking over to me and brushing a kiss across my lips. “Cassie girl. It suits you.” He trailed his fingers along my neck and brushed his thumb over my lips. He leaned in a second time and kissed me me harder. I gasped at the feel of electricity that ran through me and he took advantage, slipping his tongue inside. As he stroked my tongue with his, I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if he stroked other parts of my body as well. He pulled back and stared at my lips like he could devour them all day.
“Catch you later, Cassie girl.”
Then he followed my dad and James out to the shed in the backyard where their secret project was located. I shivered and did my best to regain my composure before I went to the kitchen to find Mom and help her with dinner. She put me to work as she caught me up on what was going on this week with them.
“So, tell me how your first week went with Ryan.”
“Well, it didn’t start out so great. I think he got really nervous and wanted to back out, but he didn’t. He told James to go ahead and get some alcohol from the minibar at the hotel.”
Mom laughed as she munched on some carrots she was cutting up. “The day your father and I married, he got so nervous that he asked your grandmother for something for an upset stomach. She told him to get the Pepto Bismol from the bathroom. He’d never had it before and grabbed the wrong bottle. He ended up taking a laxative and had the runs for most of our wedding day.”
“No way. Mom, you’re making that up!”
“Nope, but don’t tell your father you know. He still gets upset when he thinks about it. So, how did it go after that?”
“Well, I caught him telling James about sex, in a much more graphic way than I would have. He threw a temper tantrum at school and got sent to the principal’s office. And he also came home drunk one night after we got in a fight and I said some awful things to him. That was all by Thursday. We talked and worked things out. I think things will be okay now.”
“That’s something amazing that he’s doing for you. He’s bound to screw things up. He’s never been a father before. Just go easy on him.”
“I’m trying to. This is just so new to me. I’ve never relied on anyone but you and Dad for help. The thing is, he’s actually treating James like his son. He reads Harry Potter with him at night. I guess I kind of expected him to be there but not involved.”
“Ryan doesn’t seem like the type of man to do things half way.”
“I’m beginning to see that.”
I fidgeted with my shirt as I thought about how to say this next part to my mother. She noticed and placed her hand over mine to calm me.
“I really like him. I have since I met him. He’s been trying to get me to go on a date for a little over a year now, but I kept turning him down.”
“Why?”
“I guess I’m nervous that he’ll leave like Michael did. Only when Michael left I was just pregnant. Now I have a ten year old that really likes Ryan. What if he wants a divorce when this is over? It would crush James.”
She gave me a look that said ‘I told you so’ because she had.
“I know it’s selfish, but I keep thinking that if I don’t get involved with Ryan, then when this ends, I won’t be disappointed.”
“Just James,” she deadpanned.
“I know. It’s horrible of me.”
“You know, this may end and you’re right, it won’t hurt so bad if he walks away and you haven’t gotten involved. But it will most definitely end if you don’t even give it a chance. Do you really think he’s going to stay married to a woman that’s not willing to try to make things work?”
I looked out the window to see Ryan and Dad pulling something out of the shed. James was walking in front to block the view. Looking at him, Ryan just seemed to fit in with my family so easily. He had a rough start with James, but the moment he really tried with James, he had a place in his life. Even Mom and Dad seemed to really like him. I knew that I was already half in love with him after all these months he’d been chasing me. He’d taken me out with his friends, and though he continued to ask me out, he’d never pressured me.
Now he was doing everything possible to make sure I could keep my son if Michael followed through on his threats. I hadn’t received anything from Michael yet, but I knew that if he was serious about spending time with James, it was just a matter of time.
“You can’t hide forever, Cassie. You’d be absolutely foolish to push that man away if you’re attracted to him. At some point, you have to let go of the past and just allow yourself to fall in love again.”
I didn’t get a chance to say anything because James ran into the house with a big smile on his face. “Mom! Come on outside. You have to see what I built with Grandpa.”
He took my hand and pulled me outside where Dad had placed a sheet over something. James was squeezing my hand in excitement and as much as I wanted to pull my hand away, I just couldn’t. Dad pulled the sheet off their creation, a beautiful wooden adirondack chair.
“Oh, wow. James, you built this with Grandpa?”
“Yep!” he said proudly. “It took a while because Grandpa showed me how to do all of it!”
“James and I were talking about coming back once a week to build a set of them for the house. We could all sit out on the porch at night,” Ryan said.
“I think that sounds like a good idea.”
“So, we can come back every week and work on more with Grandpa?” James asked Ryan.
“Yeah, kid. I think we should come back every Sunday to work on them.” Ryan ran his hand over James’s head, messing with his hair.
“Cassie and I could make Sunday dinner. It would be lovely,” Mom said.
So that’s what we did every Sunday. Ryan and James worked with my dad on building outdoor furniture while Mom and I prepared Sunday dinner.