TODAY’S THE DAY WE’VE BOTH been dreading. I dreaded packing up their things; that was brutal but for some weird reason, when it was all done, l felt this weird sense of peace. Today’s the one-year anniversary and we’re heading to where they’re buried to visit them. I can’t believe it’s been a year and I’m sure we would never have made it this far if we didn’t have each other.
Dee and I have been texting about this day for a while now and last night we had another long talk about it. The entire night to be exact. We decided that we should do it together, through texts, like we’ve done everything else.
Dee had her in-laws take her daughter so she could do it alone. I’m sure they wanted to visit him too, but I’m happy they respected her decision.
Once I make it through the gates of Holy Cross Cemetery in Culver City I text Dee. I can’t believe I’m here and that I’m actually doing this. I’m freaking out and can’t stop shaking. I don’t want to do this. It’s like digging into my skin with a jagged knife and opening up painful wounds that haven’t completely healed.
Dee says this is necessary. A necessary evil, that can go fuck itself.
Are you there yet?
Yes, I’m at the cemetery. Are you at yours yet?
Unfortunately, I am.
Yeah.
Did you bring the gifts you got for them?
Sure did, Dee. Did you bring yours?
Yep.
Since we knew that the one-year anniversary was coming up and we knew we’d be visiting them, we each got a small gift from the Hometown Fair to put on the graves. I can tell by her texts that I’m not alone in the freak-out department. Her texts are usually flowery and drawn out, not blunt like they are now. I have a feeling she hasn’t left her car.
Have you left your car yet?
No, and I don’t want to.
I agree. I just want to go home, plant my ass on the couch with a cold beer, and forget this day even exists.
I don’t want to be here either, Dee. But we both know it has to be done.
Okay, E, you’ve always been the brave one. You first.
My bravery went out the window the minute I drove through the entrance of this terrible place.
I can’t believe we’re doing this. I take a deep breath, wipe my tears, and add:
Hell, Dee, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to even be here in the first place. I’d still be at home!
I wish we were at home joking and drinking.
I wish that too, sweetheart. This is really hard.
We’re acting like this is the last time we’re ever going to see them. In a sense it is, because this time, we’re truly accepting that they’re never coming back.
Remind me again why the fuck we need to do this?!
Instead of answering, she texts me a different question.
Have you ever visited them?
I’m sure she knows I haven’t been here much.
Once in the beginning. You?
I’m sure she has.
Yeah, a few times. I came on his birthday with his parents and my daughter and a few times on my own. It was too hard though, you know? You and I have come so far and each time I’m here…I just sit next to his headstone and sob. I feel like for every forward step I’ve been taking, coming here sets me two steps back.
They’re really not here, you know. I feel them every day and I know you feel him too.
I know. You and your damned big brain.
It’s nice to see she’s trying to lighten the mood. Her distractions always seem to help ground me.
I’m not even going to joke about big things right now. But, like you did in our early texts, you just made me smile. So, thanks, love.
God, E, is this ever going to get easier? Why is this still so hard?!
I’ve asked myself those questions every day since the day they died. I really wish I had an answer for her but, sadly… I don’t.
I don’t know, babe. Honestly, I don’t think it ever will. I think that’s why we’re both still sitting in our cars, stalling.
Okay, I think that the only way that we’re ever going to be able to get out of our cars is if we’re childish about this.
She’s about to throw out another one of her crazy ideas and they always make me nervous. I just hope that this one will get us out of our cars.
Childish???
Yep, let’s count to three and get out at the same time.
You’re right. Childish, immature, crazy, and stupid, but you’re right.
I’m right about my idea being childish, immature, crazy, and stupid? And thanks for that by the way! Or I’m right about doing the counting thing?
All of the above and you’re still stalling! Let’s just rip the Band-Aid off together. 1…
Oh God, E! I’m scared shitless… Okay…1.
2.
I can’t do this…2.
I can’t either but we are doing this…3.
FUCK! 3.
I’m out! You?!
I’m out, E, but I can’t do this. My legs just gave out. I can’t say goodbye. I don’t want to!
Dee, baby, I’m sitting on the grass with you. Give me a hug, sweetheart, we’re not saying goodbye. We’re never going to say goodbye to them. We both know this. Yet, we’ve only moved from the car to the grass in front of the car in the past thirty minutes.
Hah! I can’t even stop crying long enough to even see where I’m going so I’m surprised we’ve even moved that far.
Stand up, hold out your arm, and take my hand. We’ve done this all together before. ALL. OF. IT! So, take my hand and feel my strength.
I have it. Do you feel mine?
Always! Let’s do this.
Okay.
I take a deep breath and start moving but come to a sudden stop. Seeing three graves in front of me with the name Montgomery on them is very surreal and incredibly painful. I need my Dee.
There are actually three graves here… I need to sit down and I really need a hug again. I can’t breathe, Dee, help me!
E, baby! I’m here, I’m holding you! PLEASE feel me!
Dee…
Why can’t we actually be together? Seriously, E, why the fuck not?!
I don’t want to do this anymore. Can we please just go home?
OH God, E… MY HEART IS SHATTERING! Fuck this stupid rule of ours, of not physically being together! Tell me where you are. I’m coming to you!
Give me one second. FUCK! Now I know why I’ve only been here once.
Oh my God, E! PLEASE! PLEASE! Let me come to you!
You are with me, Dee. You really are. My forehead is against yours right now, I can feel you. Close your eyes. Can you feel it? Can you feel me?!
I can feel you. I still love him and I want him back!
I can feel her crying as hard as I am and I still love them too. So fucking much!
I want them back too. I just put their gifts on their graves. Did you?
Yes.
Good girl!
The two of us stop texting; it’s unspoken. We both understand we need time to sit with our memories. I look up at the sky and then back at the graves. “I love you guys and miss you so fucking much!” I cry out, the pain in my soul echoing back at me across the cavernous expanse, dotted with the memories of lost loved ones. I lie down on Alyssa’s grave, close my eyes, and just cry. The fire burning in my chest matches the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. But I haven’t heard from Dee in a while and that worries me.
I suddenly have an epiphany. Without realizing it, I’ve moved forward and somehow, Dee’s burrowed her way under my skin, helped me cope, helped me heal, and helped me grow. So with newfound clarity, I text her.
My eyes hurt from crying so hard. We need to get back to us, Dee. We need to do what we do best and I know we can do it, even from here.
Your text just brought me back to reality and I’m not thinking very clearly. How can we get back to us from here?
See, this is where my big brain comes in handy.
I use her words to try to make her smile again and I am going to make her smile again, if it’s the last thing I ever do. So without waiting for a reply, I text:
We need to lighten the mood. We always make each other laugh and we both need it right now so I have a plan.
I know she’s going to like this plan. She likes silly things and well…so do I.
Yeah, you’re right, yet again. We need to do something that’ll make both of us feel better. But, whenever you say the word “plan,” I get nervous.
My plans make her nervous? Pfft!
Hah! So, okay…what would that hippie couple from the fair be saying to each other if they were sitting here right now? I think that they would be saying something like… “This is like totally fucked up, duuuude!”
Oh my God, E! That’s all wrong. That’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
I’m smiling again. She’s my light! Her presence has been bringing me back from the darkness from day one and I thank God every single day I have her. And even though I can’t see her, I know she’s smiling.
There’s that smile I know and love. I wasn’t alive back then and I can’t even remember my own name right now let alone what we said in our texts after the fair. What do hippies even say to each other? Obviously, you’re the expert! So why don’t you enlighten me, Little Miss Smarty Pants.
Hah! Thanks for that. And FYI, I’m not that old.
Dee, we’ve known each other for about a year now so when I say expert…I mean expert about EVERYTHING! So go ahead, show me how it’s done.
You’ve learned well, young Padawan. But you’re the one with the “Big Brain” so you go ahead. Show me your mad skills.
Well, babe. Since you asked…
We start going back and forth, as if we were that couple. The more we text, the lighter I feel. When she tells me she has to go to her in-laws’ or, as Dee calls it, “Squaresville,” I let her know that’s a “bummer.” Dee’s on a roll and it’s cracking me up. I laugh so hard I have tears rolling down my cheeks, for a much better reason, and without even realizing I was even walking, I’m suddenly at my car.
I feel so much better.
I love your verbal diarrhea, Dee. I know that we’re both a few cans short of a six pack right now, but really, get carried away much?! Seriously though, thanks. It feels so good to laugh and I never would have gotten through this day without you.
She agrees and we say our goodbyes.
I’m going to go home and have a brewski.
Right on, man.
As I’m heading out of the cemetery, to the new life I’ve created, I vow that I am going to meet her face to face, very, very soon.