“YES!” WE BOTH ANSWER AT the same time.
We turn towards each other and we both just know. It’s instantaneous.
“No…” I whisper in disbelief, shock gripping my entire being. I shake my head because this has to be a dream. There’s no way. This cannot be real. “Deeeee?!” Can Dani really be Dee? Can Dee really be Dani? How is that even possible?!
I gasp and my hand flies onto my mouth “E?!” I can barely breathe. Can this really be real? Can Ian really be E? Can E really be Ian? How is that even possible? What? How? Is this really happening?!
“Dee…” I exhale her name like a prayer and embrace the tears which are now falling from my eyes. And it hits me. Dee really is Dani and Dani really is Dee. Oh my God!
“Oh my God…” I whisper through my fingers, my tears matching his. It is real! E really is Ian and Ian really is E! I just lose it, completely lose it. I drop my hand and make a sound that may, or may not, have sounded like the letter E and launch myself into his arms.
Dee is in my arms! Dani is in my arms! They’re the same person! Holy shit! I don’t think; I just react and attack her mouth with mine. At this point it’s a good thing the hostess greeted us just inside the restaurant because we’re acting like two lost souls who have finally reunited. Fuck! We are two lost souls who have finally reunited. Dee and I are soulmates and this is meant to be.
“My Dee,” I keep repeating between kisses as I carry her out of the restaurant and to the side of the building. I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop kissing her. I needed her desperately and now she’s here! Our tears become one, our bodies become one, our souls become one, and I’m whole again; unbelievably, irreconcilably, whole. We cling to each other, laughing and crying at the same time. She’s everything I’ve dreamt of and so much more.
“E…” I’m in E’s arms. I’m in Ian’s arms. This is unbelievable! We keep kissing, touching, and breathing each other in. He’s my oxygen and I’m his. The world has faded away. Only he and I exist. Time has no meaning. I’m lost and found at the same time. So many nights spent dreaming of him. So many days spent wondering about him. He’s everything and I’m complete. I’m whole.
“You’re really real,” I say through the happiest tears I’ve ever shed. I can’t stop breathing her in. And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t smell exactly like fresh air and springtime.
I needed her with every fiber of my being and now she’s in my arms and I can breathe again. Now I can be again. I don’t want to let her go in fear this may all be a beautiful dream, so I don’t. I touch her hair, her arms, her back, her face, everywhere I can reach. I need all of her! I also can’t stop kissing her so I go right back to kissing her again and again and again.
“Oh my God!” I still can’t believe this! It doesn’t make sense. Their names aren’t even spelled the same.
But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s here, we’re together. The promise I made to myself when I was packing up Scott’s things came to fruition. We did get through this, we are healthy and whole, and he did end up in my arms. We did it!
I can’t stop crying, or kissing him, or touching him, or holding him. If this is just a dream, it’s a dream I never want to wake up from. I finally have him and I never want this to end!
I lean my forehead against hers to just be. To breathe her air, to feel her heartbeat. I kiss her again, pull back and through the smile I can’t seem to get rid of, I ask, “How did we not see it, Dee? We’re both intelligent, how did we not make the connection? I love both of you so much and you’re the same damn person!”
E lays his forehead, once again, against mine, giving the both of us a chance to actually process the fact that we’re in each other’s arms and to think about his question. But I don’t want to think and I never want to move. I want to spend forever tucked in the safe embrace of his strong arms. Like him, I have a million questions I want to ask, though before I have the chance, I feel him, once again, pull back and it’s then I notice his smile and I melt. His eyes are smiling, the sadness in them…gone. And suddenly it doesn’t matter that we never made the connection. Suddenly I feel incredibly free. Incredibly happy and that joy explodes from my soul like fireworks on the Fourth of July.
She doesn’t answer, instead she just starts laughing, a laugh so free I can’t help but join in. We’re both laughing at the absurdity of this entire situation. I still want to ask her a million questions but her lips are like a magnetic force I never want to be away from. My mouth falls onto hers again and I taste shock, disbelief, and sheer joy.
E’s mouth never leaves mine. He’s breathing in all my emotions and I’m tasting his. I taste shock, relief, happiness, and love and it’s all mine. “I don’t understand, your name is Ian.” It’s the one thing that doesn’t make sense and I feel his lips smile before he answers.
I’ve spent my entire life having my name spelled wrong. When I was younger it really bothered me but as I became older, I learned to embrace it and began to really love having an unusual spelling. With our foreheads still pressed together and my smile firmly in place, I say, “With an E.”
It takes my confused brain a minute to realize what he said. Of course, he doesn’t spell it the traditional way. That would have been too easy. This time instead of a laugh, I groan and ask, “Who spells Ian with an E?!”
She’s so absolutely adorable. Her face is scrunched and I can see the wheels spinning in her brain. My smile is broad as I say, “Me.” And when she asks why, I start to laugh. I can’t help myself. I laugh out loud, a deep soul-filled laugh, because it’s so true and I’ve heard that question a million times. “My mom chose to spell my name with an ‘E’ instead of an ‘I’ because if anyone wanted to give me a nickname and my name was spelled with an ’I,’ then my nickname would’ve been ‘I.’ She wanted my nickname to be ‘E’ because that’s how my name’s pronounced, therefore…” I wave my arm around like a magician about to reveal his trick. “E-A-N!”
I swat him lightly on the chest. “Stop laughing. This isn’t funny!” I’m trying to be serious but failing miserably, and when he laughs harder, I can’t help but join in. This is seriously the stupidest, most unbelievable, most hilarious thing that has ever happened to me.
“Hi, Dani with a D,” I reply, still laughing, and kiss her again because, well because I have to and because I can. I haven’t put her down! I’m never putting her down. I haven’t stopped kissing her. I’m never going to stop kissing her! She’s my life and I’m never letting her go.
“Hi, Ian with an E.” We kiss deeper this time. Our kiss is slow and sensuous, like the kisses we’ve “shared” through our texts. But this time it’s real and so incredibly perfect. We take our time exploring each other’s mouths, caressing each other’s tongues, giving and taking in each other’s moans. We just hold on to each other, clinging to one another, unwilling to ever let go.
I finally break the kiss, pull back, and look deep into her eyes. “Your eyes, Dee, they’re magical. It’s the only way I can describe them.” I throw back my head and groan. “Do you know how many times I’ve looked into your eyes and thought the exact same thing?! This is insane!” I shake my head because this is just too crazy. “I’ve been captivated by your eyes from the first moment I saw you as Dani! But, as Dee, I’ve fallen asleep dreaming about what they might look like more nights than I can count.”
“I know, this is absolutely unbelievable! I’ve seen your eyes a million times before and each time I’m in awe by the beauty of them. But, E, with you…I see your soul.”
I kiss her, hard, showing her the urgency that I feel when I say, “We have to get out of here! I need to be closer to you. I need to be inside of you. We need to leave NOW! I walked here! Where’s your car?!”
“Back that way.” I nod behind us with my head and start laughing because he is suddenly full of piss and vinegar. “You walked here? That’s far!”
I shake my head and answer her as I briskly head towards her car. “Don’t ask. But I have to say, right now, it’s pretty damn convenient I did, because we need to be at your house. Like yesterday!”
“Like yesterday,” I repeat, agreeing wholeheartedly while peppering kisses all over his face as we head to my car, wrapped up so tightly around one another there’s no room for even air to pass between us.
“Keys,” I ask, once we reach her car. The same car that I’ve seen countless times parked on the street in front of my house and I just groan. Un-fucking-believable!
I laugh at his groan when we reach my car. I feel the exact same way, complete shock mixed with utter happiness.
There’s no question, no discussion. Just need! We let each other know through our kisses how much we need each other. We don’t stop touching as we quickly head towards my house. Neither of us willing to be separated, not for even a second. And now that E and I have truly found one another, that will never change!