E…you’re right. I had no intention of ever contacting you. But here I am returning your text because I also happen to be sitting on the floor by my front door. I know it’s against the rules to disclose any personal information and while I’m aware you know my husband, the love of my life, was murdered that day, I want you to know we have a four-year-old daughter. My reason for telling you this is because, if not for her, I too would be sitting in this exact spot, 24/7 waiting for him to walk through the front door.
D…the love of my life was murdered that day TOO! But not only was she killed, I also lost my six-year-old son and my unborn daughter.
ALL.
THE.
AIR.
LEFT.
MY.
BODY.
My heart stops and even though I don’t think it’s possible, it breaks even more. I text back.
I don’t want to say I’m sorry because that’s the stupidest thing to say and I’m sick of hearing it myself. But what you just texted me…I kind of understand now why people say that. My world ended the day he died and my in-laws constantly have to take my daughter because I can’t ever stop crying.
His reply is immediate.
That makes two of us.
Now I’m crying for the both of us.
E, to answer some of your questions, I am going through the same thing and I hate it. I hate all of this! I have no idea why it hurts so bad, it just does, and I don’t think we’ll ever move on. I don’t want to. All the color has left my world and I just want him back.
I knew contacting him would hurt, but in a weird way, it’s making me feel so…not so alone.
I want them back too…so badly! I can’t stop crying. This hurts so much. It feels like I’m carrying the pain of the entire world on my shoulders and I can’t seem to make it stop. I’m suffocating in my own anguish and I’m tired, D, I’m so incredibly tired.
I can’t breathe; his words wreck me. The only sound in my empty house is the sound of my pain. And even though I don’t want to, I can’t stop myself from texting him back. I don’t know why, I just do.
I can’t stop crying either. This is so incredibly wrong. It shouldn’t have been them. It should’ve been that monster! They were good people, E. Really good people. Why did it have to be them? THEY DIDN’T DESERVE TO DIE!
This time he took longer to respond, like he had to think about his answer.
I don’t know either. And you’re right, they didn’t deserve to die. I don’t understand how it happened? That intersection is always so busy. How could they have been the only two cars to be crossing at that exact second?
Oh my God! We really are feeling the same things.
I’ve thought about that a million times. It’s like the universe is out to get us! But I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m a good wife, a good mother, and a good person. He was coming home to celebrate our wedding anniversary and it was supposed to be the beginning of a happy weekend. Not a horrible end.
I watch the gray bubbles dance on the screen and wait to read his reply.
I’m a good dad, a good husband, and a good man. My son was going to get his yellow belt in karate. He was supposed to be walking through the door beaming with pride! We were supposed to be spending that weekend celebrating.
Why us, E?
I don’t know.
I don’t know either and I just curl myself up into a ball and cry. I don’t know how much time passes but I jump in surprise when I hear my phone ping.
D? Are you still there?
Oh my God, I forgot what I was doing.
Yeah, I’m sorry. I started crying again. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped and I kind of forgot about the text.
His response is swift and understanding.
I understand. It’s hard to relive this.
It really is. How is this supposed to help us?
Although I see the bubbles on the screen, this time, they keep appearing and disappearing. It’s almost as if he’s unsure about what to say.
When Barbara gave me the new phone, I never thought reaching out to you would help but in some sick way, knowing you’re going through the same thing? It kind of does seem to help.
I was right, he was weary. It’s amazing how many emotions I can discern through his texts and it’s strange how I can already sense his soul.
I agree, I don’t feel so alone in all of this.
We text some more about all the articles that have been written about the accident. He tells me how he refuses to read what some asshole wrote about his family and how he refuses to turn on the television. I really don’t blame him. I read a few articles and they destroyed me. He also tells me how he begged his friends and family not to read anything either. I had done the same with Beverly and Rodger and was thankful when they agreed. We then talk about the upcoming trial. I can’t bring myself to go and was relieved when he said he wasn’t going to be there either.
From there, we move on to telling each other about all the things our neighbors are doing for us and saying to us. We share how much we hate it but at the same time, understand they aren’t coming from a bad place and really don’t know how to react.
It feels surprisingly good to have someone who understands what I’m going through; to have someone in my corner. I learned how his parents come by daily to take care of him, what he did to send them away and how guilty he feels about it. I let him know how hard it is to constantly pretend I’m okay and how hard it’s been to be present when all I want to do is disappear.
At some point, our conversation turns, and we start comparing notes about some of the stupid things people are saying to us and I actually start to smile.
Oh my God, E, I can’t believe someone actually said that to you. Who wants to even think of being in hell let alone trying to figure a way out once there. Why would anyone ever say that? I haven’t had the privilege of hearing that one yet but at least you haven’t received the ever-so-popular, “Oh, you poor thing.” Which is always accompanied by my all-time favorite, the pity stare…I think that may be a girl thing. “Oh, she’s so fragile! How can she ever survive!”
D, HAH! Your sarcasm slays me. You just made me laugh and trust me, that’s something I never thought I’d do again.
Oh my God, I just laughed too! How is that even possible?
I just laughed too and, like you, I never thought I’d do that again. I guess this really is helping.
We continue texting in this new direction. I feel lighter than I’ve felt in a very long time. And when he calls me “Little Miss Funny Pants,” I realize two things at once. First, I did the right thing in returning his text and second, this isn’t going to be the end of them.
Oh God! Parents are here for their daily visit to the “psych ward.” I was hoping they’d take the hint and not show up but you’ve made me smile so I think I can handle what’s ahead.
I suddenly feel like I can handle what’s ahead of me too, so I quickly type:
Text soon?
And I smile when I read:
Absolutely!
We haven’t stopped texting since our first exchange. He’s making me feel better and I want to think I’m doing the same for him. I’ve started to crave hearing from him. His texts ground me. We’ve spent hours crying, screaming, and commiserating. I’m not alone anymore and that knowledge is empowering.
Halloween was really hard for E. Apparently, he lives in an area that’s very popular on that night. He told me how he kept his house dark, how he was able to hear the revelers outside, and how kids kept ringing his doorbell anyway…while he stayed home alone, in a dark house…drunk.
Thanksgiving is upon us and I know this holiday will be even harder for him, especially with nothing to give thanks for. So I’m not surprised when his text comes through.
D, are you around?
Since I know he’s worried about the holiday, I go ahead and put it out there.
You’re worried about Thanksgiving, aren’t you?
What the fuck do I have to be thankful for?!
I just thought that.
Is it morbid if I say nothing?
No, it’s truthful!
I don’t want him to spend Thanksgiving like he spent Halloween—alone, miserable, and drunk—so I decide to give him a nudge.
You’re going to your parents’ house, right?
He’s already told me his parents are cooking and how they’ve been begging him to join them.
No!
You should. They love you and want to be with you.
Really, D? Not you too!
I haven’t seen this much anger from him in a long time but I understand where he’s coming from.
Not me, E. never me! I’m on your side and you know it. I just think it’ll help.
It won’t!
I haven’t forced him to do anything yet, but, in my soul, I believe this small step will help him.
My in-laws are having a small dinner, just the four of us. Maybe your parents can do that too. Just them, you, and your sister—
I wasn’t able to get my full text out before his next one cut me off.
It doesn’t matter!
Please? For me?
Seriously? You’re going there?!
Screw this! It will help him and I am going there!
Yes, E, I’m going there.
Fine.
Wow, really? That was too easy.
Really?
Why am I now questioning myself?
Yes, really…I kind of like you pushing me and you’re probably right. I’ll ask if it can be just the four of us.
I’m proud of you, E.
Thanks.
It turns out that all his relatives were there. Apparently, I’m not the only one who’s trying to push him, but in the end, he had a nice time and was actually thankful he went.
I’m glad I pushed him to go. It was a turning point for him and also a turning point in our relationship.
Since Thanksgiving, we’ve branched into texting about other subjects. Still not crossing any lines, we’ve talked about everything from favorite books to favorite movies (at which we are still in a stand-off). We’ve covered everything from favorite food to color to music and more. We’ve argued about the different restaurants in the area. Which are best and what we like to order at each… Who doesn’t like mushrooms on their pizza?
We text daily and he’s become my closest friend.