I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M HERE—that I’m going to be near Dee. It’s a beautiful day, the sun’s shining brightly in the cloudless sky. Bright like my spirit. There are crowds of people wandering up and down the cramped walkways which are lined with color and I can’t control my smile knowing that Dee, the person who colors my world, is one of them. Still smiling, I take a deep breath and say to myself, “I’m breathing the same air you’re breathing, Dee.”
I know she’s here. I can feel it. I also know I’m not supposed to be looking and I really don’t want to see her, not that I’d know it if I did spot her. I decide to distract myself and buy something that will remind me of being near her. Having no idea what to get, I look around and spot it. A dreamcatcher, perfect! That’s EXACTLY what she is to me. While I’m shopping I decide to buy gifts for Dani, Chloe, my parents, Riley, Chance, and Justin. One-stop early Christmas shopping—perfect.
“Holy shit, look at them!” I say this under my breath and laugh.
Standing in front of me is the perfect couple to reference for Dee. There are always some people who grab everybody’s attention and these two are exactly that. They have to be in their late sixties—and clearly have never left that decade. A walking advertisement for peace and love. He’s wearing the standard tan suede vest with fringe and way too many peace signs to count. His gray hair is balding on the top and tied into a low ponytail. He clearly doesn’t have nearly enough hair for it, but hey, to each his own. “Dee, I hope you’re seeing these hippies,” I say quietly and chuckle to myself. I know these two would make her laugh. His companion is a rather large woman wearing a hideously colorful muumuu—similar to the ones Mrs. Roper wore on Three’s Company. They’re wrapped in each other’s embrace and look deliriously happy. The thought makes me sad because I know I’d be deliriously happy if I were here with Dee. Nope! I’m not going there. I am here with Dee and I plan on staying in the moment.
Dee, where are you?
I scan the crowd looking for…I don’t know. Just then I spot another couple and laugh while my ego takes a huge hit.
“God, Dee. Look at them!”
Standing in front of me are two people who look like they rarely leave the gym. They’re both wearing way too much spandex and damn—she has more muscles than I do.
Much to my surprise, I’m having a really good time. Shortly before two o’clock, I head home to text Dee. I was supposed to stay until two but I’m too excited to wait. I’m hoping she saw the same people I saw.
I didn’t see you. :(
Me neither. : (
It makes me happy she’s upset she didn’t see me.
That was the point.
I know. : (
I bought something to remind me of being near you.
Me too! Wow, E! We really do think alike.
We really do. But before I have a chance to tell her that, she continues.
You know what they say about great minds…
Yes, I know I have a great mind.
I love joking around with her. Humor is the very foundation of what we’ve built. I’ve grown to know her over the many months and countless hours we’ve been texting and even though we’ve never verbally spoken, I feel like I really know who she is.
That you do. But seriously, I had fun on our first official date. I couldn’t stop smiling!
I had fun too, Dee.
I did what you asked and checked out the people around me. It was really entertaining. I love people watching and it was fun doing it with a purpose.
We spend the next several minutes texting and laughing about the people we saw and I’m delighted we both saw the hippie couple and the gym rats. When I have us text each other as the hippies I keep having to put the phone down because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. When I recover enough to text again, I realized I want to be near her again but she beats me to the punch.
We should do it again.
Are you asking me out on another date?
I smile at the thought that she wants to be near me again.
Yes!
I accept. When and where? Your pick.
The Manhattan Beach Hometown Fair is coming up at the beginning of October. I’m thinking then.
I’ll be there!
Oh yay! I also want us to buy each other another gift, E. Let’s make it a thing so when we see it, we’ll think of each other. Just make sure to keep it somewhere private; for our eyes only, you know?
OH! I want to do this too. So I text quickly hoping she’ll like this idea.
I just came up with another brilliant idea.
Oh, God, I’m afraid to ask!
No, Dee, you’ll like this.
OKAAAY?
I know the thought of me having an idea always makes her nervous. We keep each other on our toes.
I want us to leave each other a treat.
In one of our many texts, we talked about our favorite junk food, which led to what we’d eat if we were at a fair, carnival, or amusement park. She cringed at my choice but I firmly stand behind it. Blue cotton candy rocks!
You buy me some of the fabulous blue cotton candy I love and I’ll get you a caramel apple with chocolate on it. Let’s hide it behind the caramel apple concession stand. We’re going to be at the fair from 12:00-2:00 so I’ll go first. I’ll buy and hide your treat at noon, while I get one for myself. Then at one, you get your apple and leave me my cotton candy and at two, I’ll pick my cotton candy up. Good idea, right?!
Why would I leave you a treat if you already bought one for yourself? And look at you buying yourself a caramel apple. Finally developing a sophisticated sweet tooth, E?
Dee, we both know I already have a sophisticated sweet tooth and you know very well blue cotton candy is a sophisticated sweet treat. You can never have enough of this perfect dessert. And as far as the caramel apples go, I’m a convert. They really are good.
You’re delusional and, yes, I’m quite aware of your “sophisticated” sweet tooth. It’s about time you learned what a real treat tastes like. And I love that idea.
Her sarcasm makes me laugh. I could go on and on about the merits of blue cotton candy but I want this even more.
Good, then you’ll love this one too. Save your treat until we text each other so we can eat them together.
It’s going to kill me knowing she’s going to be at a certain place at a specific time. It would be so easy to see what she looks like and to actually meet her in person. So near, yet so far away.
Absolutely, I can’t wait. The next fair can’t come soon enough, I miss you already.
I couldn’t agree more.
She stops texting so I set my special phone down, but before I leave the room, it pings.
You know it’s almost been a year.
What the fuck! My mind starts wandering to this time last year and my mood instantly plummets. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the accident and I can’t believe she needs to address this. I’m finally in a decent place but her bringing this up—making me think about it—I can feel myself falling back down the rabbit hole. I don’t want to go there so she’s only going to get the bare minimum out of me.
I know.
We need to talk about this.
No, Dee! We really don’t.
We really fucking don’t!
Yes, we do! We need to think about packing up their things.
I took what I needed when I moved out of my house but left everything else exactly as it was. I have no intention of ever going back there. Let alone, boxing up their things. But she’s right. Damn it!
I know.
She knows me well enough by now to know when I’m shutting down and I know her well enough to know when she’s about to push. It’s been a long time since she’s done that. She’s helped me through my pain in the past, she got me to have Thanksgiving dinner with my relatives and she got me to start building furniture again. Even though I don’t want to do this, every push has helped me move forward. I trust her and I’m going to let her help me get through this too.
Babe, I know you’re shutting down. I know you and I’m here.
Dee, you’re right. This is just too hard!
We NEED to do this. The end of the month is going to be brutal for both of us but it’ll be worse if their things are lying around.
I know.
EEEEE!
Dee, I haven’t stepped foot in that house since the day I moved out. It’s going to be like walking into a house full of ghosts and I’m petrified!
Babe, we’ll do this together. Every single step of the way. Like we always do. We’ll start off with my house and see how it goes.
She told me how her husband’s things are still in her closet, her bathroom, and scattered around her house. How it gives her a sense of comfort and how scared she is of losing that. She’s incredibly strong but everyone has their limit.
I’m not going to say those two words you don’t want to hear so instead I’ll just say okay.
Okay?
Yes, we both know they aren’t coming back and it has to be done but DAMN IT, DEE! This is still so fucking hard!
It’s just us! Dee and E, and together we can do anything. But, first things first, let’s just be excited about the fair.
I love you, babe.
I love how she can sense when I’m struggling. She helps me as much as I help her and I know that together, we can get through anything.
I love you too, E. Forever!
We’ve exchanged several texts since Fiesta Hermosa. We both can’t wait for the next fair but we’re both dreading the packing and anniversary. We’ve talked about meeting in person but we’re both too afraid to lose the strong connection we’ve developed. We’ve picked each other up off the ground and put each other back together more times than I can count. We’ve done that since the first text and it only happened because we did it together.
That being said… I can’t wait to be near her again. I felt her at Fiesta Hermosa. I know we were both in the same place at around the same time because we both saw the same people. So yeah, I’m looking forward to the Hometown Fair and I hope they sell dream-catchers. As far as the rest goes—I hope that one day in the future we can really meet, but for now not meeting is more urgent because I know that very soon, we’re going to need each other.