“MOMMY, CAN WE HAVE MR. Ian and Po over again?”
“I’ll ask him next time I see him. But right now, I need you to go to sleep.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
Having Ian over was wonderful. He really is a special man. I cheer every time I make him smile because behind his beautiful eyes lies a deep sorrow. I want to ask but I won’t go there. I understand wanting to be private with sorrow. It’s been ten months, ten brutally painful months. I still miss Scott with every fiber of my being. I don’t think that’ll ever change. I’m also not ready to hang pictures of him back on the walls, or put them back on the shelves. I took them all down because I broke down every time I looked at them. It wasn’t healthy for Chloe and it definitely wasn’t healthy for me. One day, maybe, but not yet…
Once I leave Chloe’s room, I do the one thing I’ve wanted to do all night.
E? Are you around?
He sent me a text while I was getting ready to have Ian over. I usually get back to him right away but I was nervous and E would have picked up on that. He’s so in tune with every word I write and has called me out on things in the past. It’s surprising how many subtleties can be seen through a simple text message. I’ve heard you can’t express emotion through text but when it’s your only form of communication, the usual rules don’t apply.
I want to be in the same place as you.
When I reply with a bunch of question marks, he repeats his text spacing the words out as if he’s punctuating each one. I laugh at how he thinks slowing his words down will make me better understand his odd request and come back at him with a sassy reply.
Okay, smartass! I can read, hence the successful sexting.
Damn straight!
I still can’t believe he went there, but I’m glad he did. Aside from the obvious reasons, it’s brought us even closer. E and I have exchanged several texts in regard to that night and when I told him about my reticence, he became way too smug and way too happy. See, Dee, there really is a silver lining around the fact that we can only text. He also told me how much he loved doing it and we’ve done it several times since. There’s no way I’d go there in real life, but I trust E and there’s incredible safety in communicating through texts.
Exactly! Now that we’ve established that I can, in fact, read we are in the same place…remember? I moved back.
Now who’s being a smart ass.
Normally I’d take his banter and run with it but something inside is telling me there’s more to what he’s asking.
Aaand…
Dee…I know we can’t ever “meet.” And I know the reason for that goes beyond the stupid rules that were thrust upon us. I know how much we love each other, and what we share is so extremely powerful that neither of us are ever willing to jeopardize it. I’m okay with that, but—
To be honest, I hate our stupid rule. I really want to see him, see what his smile looks like. Do his eyes twinkle when he smiles? What does his laugh sound like? But if things don’t work out and if I lose him… NO! Screw that. I won’t allow this to end and if never meeting him is what it’s going to take then I’m okay with spending the rest of my life just texting. It’s for that reason the word “but” is completely freaking me out. And it’s also the reason I didn’t let him finish what he was going to say.
What are you saying? Oh God, E, I can’t meet you! This can’t end, EVER! I can’t lose us!
Dee…breathe! We are never going to lose us, I promise. Look, Fiesta Hermosa is coming up this weekend and there will be a lot of people there. I have no idea what you look like, so I wouldn’t even know where to start looking, and the same goes for you. All I’m asking is that we agree to be in the same area at a designated time. I just want to be near you, near your physical presence. I just want to breathe the same air you’re breathing.
Okay. When you put it that way…
Okay?
Okay!
: )
My entire body is buzzing with an excitement I didn’t know existed. Forget my fear, I’m doing this.
I’ll be there. I’d like that too. I think just knowing you’re in the same place would feel really wonderful. You’ve always made me feel so safe. So, yes, I’m incredibly scared to lose you but stronger than that is the need to be near you and to actually be able to breathe the same air as you would be wonderful.
You know I love you, right?
I know.
I’m going to be there with bells on. Oh, and I’m going to wear a sombrero too.
Oh my God, he cracks me up! I can just imagine my strong man wearing a sombrero and bells.
HAH! Don’t push it. The bells are okay, I may not catch that one but with a promise like that, I’d most certainly be searching for a very handsome man wearing a sombrero.
Handsome, huh?
I know he is. He’s so beautiful on the inside that I’m sure the outside is too. But he could be missing teeth and covered in warts and I’d still find him beautiful. It doesn’t matter what he looks like. It’s his heart, his humor, his strength, and his wisdom that I fell in love with.
Yep.
Saturday between noon and two o’clock, make sure you’re north of the pier and it doesn’t matter which aisle you’re in. I’ll be in that general area too, so we can be near each other.
It’s a date. I’ll be there with bells on too.
Babe, I’d recognize a hot chick with bells on.
Hot chick?
Really?
Okay, no bells.
I’m actually really excited about this but as I begin to type just that, another text comes through.
I have a great idea. Make sure you check out the people around you, the ones that stand out.
What do you mean?
We are going to be in the same place, right?
Yes, I think we’ve already established that.
Okay, you’re getting off topic. Focus, Dee.
(Eye roll) Your point?
(Well-deserved eye roll back at you) My point is that if we both see the same people then we’ll know for sure that we were, in fact, in the same place around the same time.
Ohhhh… Good idea!
I love his idea. This is going to be great!
I know, I’m kind of brilliant that way.
You know, E, I think you need to consult a doctor right now because your ego has been swollen for WAY more than four hours.
Hah! Now that you got your laugh for the day, will you do it?
I did get my laugh for the day. Thanks for that. And yes, I’ll do it.
Can’t wait!
I really can’t either.
Me too!
Sweet dreams, Dee.
You too, baby. Sleep well.
Knowing I’m actually going to be in the same place as E is scary and exhilarating. Since I know I’m not going to fall asleep anytime soon, I call Lysee. I need a distraction or I’ll work myself into a frenzy. She and Josh have been pestering me to go out with them ever since I got back but I’ve been putting them off. Not because I don’t want to go out with them, I do. I love them and their company and we really do always have fun together. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve kind of settled into this “holding pattern” for lack of a better term. It’s comfortable, and these days, that’s what I do best. But now things are different so with thoughts of E in mind I pull up her number and hit send.
“Hey, chickie-poo! To what do I deserve the honor of being blessed with a call from you?”
“Keep that up, wise-ass, and I’ll call Josh.”
“No need. You know I always love hearing from you.”
It always makes me laugh at how playfully competitive they are with one another. I go on to tell her about what I want to do and she gets so excited she squeals loud enough to make my ears ring. When she pushes me to know why I suddenly changed my mind, I lie and tell her that it’s because I miss going out with them. I could tell she really didn’t believe my lie, but thankfully, she didn’t push.
Nobody knows E exists. I won’t share him with anyone. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed; it’s the exact opposite. He’s mine and what we share is ours. We’ve talked about this and are in complete agreement. We still text multiple times a day. We’ve never stopped, if anything, they’ve only increased. Still not discussing anything personal, we spend our time talking about things we’re experiencing throughout the day, giving each other advice or just sending silly quotes or GIFs to make each other laugh. I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.
After my Friday lunch shift ends, I head straight to Lysee’s place which is the mother-in-law unit above the garage of Tonya’s home. I love Lysee’s place. It’s quirky and sophisticated, just like her. She’s perfected the art of finding unique pieces at estate sales and flea markets, and her home reflects that.
“Hi, honey, I’m home!” I call out in a sing-song voice as I enter. I’m immediately greeted by a very happy Lysee who’s wearing a huge victory smile as she hands me an enormous glass of wine.
I had expected to have been greeted with a huge “Josh hug,” which I absolutely adore. It’s one of those hugs where you’re engulfed by the person’s spirit and love. But she lets me know one of his customers needed his car repaired sooner than expected. Apparently, this person is one of Josh’s biggest customers and his business is very important to him, so I completely understand.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I announce after my second glass of wine and get up to head to her bathroom to get ready. My best friend and I wear the same size clothes and since I like her wardrobe so much better than my own, I’ve never bothered to bring any of my own things when I get ready at her place.
Once I’m there, I smile. Lysee’s bathroom is my favorite room in her house, it’s like stepping back in time. The walls are painted in a pale gray, almost silver. She has a small chandelier with baby pink crystals hanging where a recessed light would normally be, a pull chain toilet, and a white shower curtain that says, “Wake up. BE AWESOME. Sleep. Repeat,” in silver and black, which surrounds the claw foot tub she converted to a shower/tub.
I’m just putting shampoo in my hair when Josh saunters into the bathroom stating loudly he is coming in as he’s coming in.