THE MORE WE TEXT, THE closer we become. We text about anything and everything and still never run out of things to say. Even though we’ve never discussed anything too personal, I’ve become very dependent on him; I need his words as much as I need air to breathe.
Christmas is on the horizon and I’ve decided I can’t be here, not without Scott. I want to go home to San Diego but I’m afraid. So I pull out my special phone and text E.
I’m leaving.
His response comes quickly.
You’re… What?!
E, I know we haven’t talked about this in a while but I swear to God, if I hear even one more person apologizing to me or telling me things will get better, I’m going to EXPLODE! I’m the town widow. Everyone walks on eggshells around me. No one ever mentions his name. It’s like he never existed. I know it’ll only get worse at Christmas and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. I’m thinking about going back to my childhood home for a while to find my bearings. What do you think?
I know I’m rambling. I also know I’m running away but I don’t care.
Go.
Wait… What?
Now he’s pushing me?
Go.
You said that, Einstein.
I’m not enjoying being on the other end of this.
D, you pushed me to go to Thanksgiving dinner. It turned out to be a good thing and I think this will be good for you too. Christmas is going to be hard for both of us. If you think going home will help, I think you should go.
I see why he agreed with me about Thanksgiving because that just made a shit-ton of sense.
Okay.
I’m serious, D. Like you said, a change of scenery might be the best thing for both of you. So go.
I’m scared, E! This is the first big thing I’ve done since my husband died and I don’t think I’m strong enough.
Babe! We text daily and I can assure you that you are strong enough.
Did he really just call me babe? And why do I kind of like it?
Babe?
Hah! That’s what you got from what I just said?
Yes, that’s what I got from what you just said and I like it. I seriously consider you my best friend, E. Your opinion means so much to me and with you by my side, I know I can do it.
You’re my best friend too and I’ll always be around to guide you. So are you going?
Yes, you know I always trust your opinion.
Well, babe, I’m always happy to give you my opinion because it increases the odds of me being able to say, “I told you so” in the future.
Yep! I like hearing him call me that. I love when I can sense his smile coming through his texts, and I really love when he gets all cocky and confident.
Hah! And (eye roll) I’ve never known you to ever shy away from giving me a good “I told you so,” E.
So when are you going?
This weekend.
Well, be safe, keep that little girl of yours safe, and don’t forget about this decrepit lab partner of yours.
Ever since he referred to his house as the “psych ward,” we’ve joked about how we are a science experiment gone wrong.
We are quite the science experiment, aren’t we? And, E… I could never forget you.
We are indeed! And back at ya, with the never forgetting part.
Chloe and I arrive at my mother’s house by two in the afternoon the next day.
I kept the goodbyes to a minimum because Chloe thinks we’re just visiting, even though I’m considering moving home permanently. Though, when I refer to where my mother lives, I wouldn’t exactly call it “home.”
I grew up in a small town called Escondido, just north of San Diego. My childhood home is in a nice, well-kept, middle-class neighborhood, on a lovely tree-lined street. Before my dad died, the two-story house was yellow with white shutters. I was always embarrassed because I was the only one with a yellow house and really, who painted their house yellow? Looking back, yellow was the perfect color. It represents life and happiness. It’s sunshine on even the darkest days. My house was always filled with music and love and life and that color represented that. The house is now white with black shutters. The color died with my dad and it shows.
“We’re here, baby doll,” I tell Chloe as I put the car into park. It’s a three-hour drive from Hermosa Beach to Escondido and aside from having to stop a couple of times, she’s been a perfect angel.
“YAY! I get to see Nana!” she squeals, delight radiating off her.
I sigh. If she only knew…
Chloe and I let ourselves in and I call out, into an otherwise empty room. “Mom?” She could at least be outside of her bedroom. She knows we’re coming and I saw her car in the driveway, so I know she’s here.
Finally making her dramatic appearance, she saunters out of her bedroom, dressed to the nines.
“Is that my daughter and beautiful granddaughter?”
“It’s us, Nana!” Chloe yells, rushing towards my mother with her arms open wide.
My mom squats down and gives Chloe a big hug, while I thank God for small favors; she seems sober.
When she stands up to give me a quick peck on the cheek, I notice a huge difference in her appearance. Alcoholism has never looked good on her. My once beautiful mother is now anything but.
“Are you two hungry?” she asks, even though she and I both know there’s no food in the house.
“Chloe and I aren’t hungry, Mom. We ate on the way here and picked up food from the market for dinner tonight.”
“That wasn’t necessary, dear. I’ll be out this evening,” she informs me while following both me and my groceries into the kitchen.
Of course, she will be. Ugh! I’ve been here a whole ten minutes and I’m already ready to leave.
“I wouldn’t expect anything different,” I say more to myself than to her. I knew she’d be going out. When will I ever learn? I had hoped her priorities would be different with Chloe here, but sadly, I was wrong. She didn’t come up for the funeral so I’m not surprised she won’t be here for us now that we’re here.
While Chloe is busy visiting with her, I head up to my old bedroom to text E. We make it a point to carry our special phones with us at all times so we can always be there for one another and right now, I’m glad we do. I need him. I feel like I’m drowning and texting him is the only thing that can rescue me.
Made it safely, thought you’d want to know. Thankfully, my mom isn’t completely drunk…yet.
Oh shit! I just broke the rules by telling him something too personal. I need to fix this so I quickly add:
TMI! Sorry, I broke the rules. Don’t think you have to reciprocate! I guess severe frustration’s gotten the best of me.
He responds right away and when I read his words, I immediately relax and smile.
LOL! First, I’m glad that you made it safely! Second, not too much information. My mom’s name is Heather, my dad’s name is Jerry, and I have a younger sister named Riley, so now we’re even. Don’t stress! Seriously, Dee, you have enough on your plate, as it is.
Thank God! I don’t want to lose you. I promise I’ll keep a tighter lid on my words—
Wait a minute! Did he just spell Dee instead of just using the letter? I have to know, so before he can text me back, I ask:
Did you just call me Dee?
We’re friends, yeah?
Absolutely!
So you just got a nickname!
I burst out in a laugh so loud it surprises even me. He’s just what I needed.
You just gave the first letter of my first name a nickname?
Yep!
That’s absolutely hilarious. I really like it!
I really do.
Well, I like you and you are never going to lose me! So please don’t guard everything you say. I kinda like that we’ve become comfortable enough around one another to be a bit freer about what we say.
Thank you, E.
No problem, Dee…
I should know E well enough by now to know he’d be okay with speaking more freely and what he said was exactly what I needed to hear.
BTW, I’m leaving too!
He’s…WHAT?!
WAIT… You’re…what?!
Deeeeee, I’m both following your lead and listening to my advice. I found a house to rent not far from where I currently live. The place I’m moving to will be close to the beach so I’m also going to start running again.
I’m really proud of you.
Seriously, Dee, thanks to you, I now sleep on the couch and I’m showering and eating on my own. I also started volunteering again at Austin House. So, like you, I think this will be a good change for me.
Isn’t Austin House a home for victims of domestic abuse?
Yep! My best friend and his mother were severely abused when he was a kid and he’s dedicated his life to helping other victims. My friends and family all help out there and so did I until…
He doesn’t need to finish the text. I know what he was going to say. We stopped doing everything we ever loved after the accident, the memories were just too painful. We’ve come so far and I want us to keep moving forward. I start to text that but another text comes through before I hit send.
I’m also thinking about buying a sketch book and drawing up ideas for new outdoor furniture.
Look at us growing!
Baby steps, and yeah, I’m proud of myself, too. This is big.
I’m so happy I’m able to keep him out of the dark hole he falls into so regularly. Humor usually does the trick, and so does changing the subject. So that’s what I do.
You go, girl! Exercise is important. Wouldn’t want those love handles of yours getting in the way of all that brilliant texting!
I love the banter that flows between us. The more we get to know each other, the more we joke around.
Dee, Dee, Dee, Dee, Dee… I think that we’ve already established the fact that A: I am indeed not a girl! And B: I am going to make this point very clear, young lady, so you better listen. I have already had other body parts get in the way while texting you and it hasn’t affected my brilliant texting in the least. So don’t start getting your panties in a bunch about any love handles, you.
Hah! And OOOOO! We haven’t crossed that line yet but what the hell. I go with it.
Very funny, “Mr. Big.” Glad your assets aren’t getting in the way!
I hear my name being called so before he gets a chance, I text:
GTG, big boy, It’s five o’clock somewhere.
Text me back soon, Dee, and let me know how everything’s going.
We say our goodbyes after I promise to keep him in the loop. These days I’ll take a laugh where I can get it because I know it won’t last long.
E makes me laugh and I love how well he knows me.