I REALIZE I DON’T WANT to stay with my mother anymore, things aren’t going well. We’ve only been here a short time but she’s never home and I wonder why we even came. I know what she’s like, I grew up with it, but this time it’s hurting Chloe and that’s not okay.
My best friend, Sandi, has agreed to take Chloe for the weekend so I can talk to my mother and figure out what I’m going to do. Her daughter, Kara, is Chloe’s age and the two of them are as thick as thieves, so I know my daughter will love hanging out there.
Sandi and I have been friends since the first grade. I still remember the day we met, like it was yesterday.
“He’s so mean!”
Sandi was sitting on the ground in the playground at recess crying, her knee scraped up. She was pushed off the swing set by Matthew, the class bully. Her curly red hair was mussed and her green eyes were red from tears.
“I HATE HIM!” she cried.
“I hate him too,” I said.
She looked up at me through her tear-covered lashes. “My knee hurts.” I didn’t know her but I sat down beside her and hugged her.
We’ve been best friends ever since. We suffered through first dates, first kisses, first loves, and first heartbreaks. I practically lived at her house after my dad died. We shared a dorm room in college. She was the first one I told when I met Scott and was my maid of honor. She was there for me when Scott died, listening to me sob through the phone and I really appreciated the fact that she was supportive when I asked her not to come up for the funeral. Aside from E, she was the only other person who encouraged me to move back down here.
After dropping Chloe off, I head home to speak to my mother. I’ve always hated any type of confrontation but seeing her sitting on the couch, in the middle of the day, with a gin and tonic in her hand makes what’s about to happen a lot easier to stomach. And when I see her bloodshot eyes? I snap.
“Mom, Chloe and I are leaving.”
“Danielle, you just got here and you’re having such a lovely visit. I can’t see why you’d want to leave?” A lovely visit?
I thought about lying, but since the accident, I just can’t bring myself to do that anymore. She also doesn’t deserve it.
“No, Mom,” I seethe. “We’re not having a lovely visit. You’re never home and when you are…you’re drunk.” I can hear the volume of my voice rising but I honestly don’t have it in me to care. “You were too drunk to come up for the funeral and now you’re too drunk to even spend any time with Chloe!”
I know I’m being incredibly blunt and hurtful but it’s the truth and she needs to hear it.
“Whoa, how dare you talk to me that way in my own home, young lady.” My mom huffs while taking a swig of her gin and tonic. Really?
“I’m not going to apologize for stating the truth, Mom, so we’ll just be going.”
Regret flashes in her eyes. It’s just a second and she quickly recovers but I notice. As quickly as the emotion appears, it disappears, and her eyes then become filled with…righteous indignation?
“I never get any chance to spend time with my granddaughter!” she hollers.
This makes my blood boil! We drove down here. We’ve been here. She hasn’t. She can’t be bothered to be away from her “boyfriends” or her alcohol long enough to spend time with us and it’s my fault?
I tell her all that and I really want to say more. I want to call her a whore and an alcoholic. I want to lash out at her for all the hurt I’ve built up over the years. Not only from my childhood but also from her not being there for me when I lost Scott. Instead, I say, “We’ve been here.”
I take her silence as a cue to continue and again find myself, getting angrier with every word I tell her. “Chloe was excited to see her nana and she’s been sad she hasn’t been able to. We’re alone most of the time, and if I wanted that, I could have stayed at home!”
She lowers her head and actually sets her glass down on the coffee table. I know I should have stopped there. I really should have, but I’m on a roll and it feels so good to finally be getting this off my chest.
“Look, Mom, I get it,” I say in a now calmer voice. “I raised myself and stayed local for college in case you needed me. But the second I needed you…” I emphasize the word, you, with a pointed stare. “You weren’t there and now you’re not even here. So don’t go and tell me this is even remotely my fault.”
“Danielle,” she says sternly, once again using my full name to get my attention. And damn if that doesn’t sting since Scott always said it with so much love. “I apologize for not being around during your visit.”
That’s it?! No apologies for everything else I just said? Seriously? That’s all she’s apologizing for? I can’t understand why I ever expect anything different.
“That’s fine, Mom,” I say and to extend an olive branch, I add, “We’ll be here a few more days if you want to spend time with Chloe.”
She looks up at me and sighs. “I do.”
When I look at her skeptically, she adds, “I really do want to spend more time with my granddaughter. I promise to be around more.”
“Let’s see how the next few days go and if you are around more, I’ll consider staying. But make no mistake, if I see you drunk in front of Chloe, just one time, we’re gone. That is something that I will never tolerate!”
She looks at me, nods, grabs her drink, and silently leaves the room.
I fall onto the sofa she just vacated, cover my face with my arm, and blow a heavy sigh. I hate hurting her and this whole thing has left me feeling incredibly sad. It’s times like this when I really need E. He always knows the right things to say to cheer me up. It’s incredible how close we’ve become and how alike we think. He’s become my rock as I’ve become his. And we’ve never even spoken.
Knowing what I need, I gather myself together and go upstairs to text E.
I had it out with my mom today.
He knows about everything that’s been going on. Our daily texts haven’t stopped, if anything, they’ve become more frequent. I’ve grown to depend on him like I depend on water and air to survive.
What happened?
That’s my E, always quick to respond and always there for me.
I went off on her, E. I lashed out at her for never being around; for always being drunk and for not even having the decency to come to the funeral.
Ouch! How’d that go?
It wasn’t pretty. I said some very hurtful things but it felt really good. After everything that’s happened in my life, I’m over any type of bullshit.
Good for you! How did it end?
She asked me to stay and I told her we would if she’s around more. Then I told her if I see her drunk at all around my daughter, we’re gone.
What are you thinking of doing?
I’m going to stay, at least for one more week. If she proves herself then I think I may stay longer.
Is that what you want to do?
I had planned on asking you your opinion when the time drew near. So the answer to your question is, I don’t know.
You know me and my opinion are always here for you, babe.
He always makes me smile.
And that’s what I adore about your humble self. You always put a smile on my face, even when I’m blue.
I aim to please. So, you’re playing it by ear?
Yeah.
What are you going to do if you stay?
I have a friend here who teaches at her daughter’s preschool and she told me they have an opening for an assistant art teacher. I could put my daughter in school and be able to work near her daily, which I would enjoy.
That sounds really great. Have you ever thought about moving in with your friend, eventually finding your own place and maybe staying…for good?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this and from the pause in his question, I can see he has too.
Actually, that doesn’t sound horrible and I’ve thought about doing just that. But I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right, E. My in-laws adore us. They’ve always been there for us, despite their own pain. I know they’d miss us fiercely.
Well, it looks like your decision is made. If your mom steps up, stay there for a little while longer. Take the job and put your daughter in preschool. It’s what you wanted to do when you originally went back home. Being free to figure everything out is the reason you left and I think it’ll be really good for you. A routine of sorts…some stability.
When did you get so smart?
Did we just start texting?
Well, I know that you’re funny in a very dry way. Sarcasm, can’t forget that one. You love quoting random shit. You have exceptionally bad taste in food. You don’t really watch the best movies, you have questionable taste in music and, oh yeah! When we text, things keep getting in the way of your brilliant texting, but you’re so great that it never stops you.
I really enjoy being sassy with him.
You’re lucky you put in that last part.
Oh, and you may be a bit smart too.
God, I love you!
Wow! That was the first time he’s ever said those three words outright. I know he’s just saying them in an “in the moment” kind of way and probably didn’t think anything when he typed them, but he still said it. I’m not ready to go anywhere near there just yet, but I do love him and surprisingly, I’m okay with that. What I have with E…I just can’t put into words.
Back at you, babe! I have to get going but I’ll text and keep you in the loop.
Thanks! I care about you and I worry so I appreciate it.
I know he does and that’s why I always respond to his texts so quickly.
I feel the same way! Text you soon.
Bye, my love! Be good.
My love. I smile.