LUCIEN

 

MY FIRST THOUGHT is that Adeline had somehow been shot or hurt during the chaotic melee.

I tuck my gun away and rush over to her, trying to block the thought of blood out of my mind.  She's hurt, and that has to take precedence right now.  I force my fucked-up mind to focus on Adeline and her alone, her health and wellbeing and not anything else around us.

Cradling Adeline in my arms, her entire body trembles and her breath hitches with sobs as tears streak down frighteningly pale cheeks.

"Where are you hurt?  Were you shot?" I demand, the tremor in my voice giving away my underlying panic.  I try to pry her hand away from her stomach so I can assess the damage, but she won't budge, and I don't want to hurt her any more than she's already obviously hurting.

She shakes her head and mutters something I can't understand, but I'm able to catch one word — baby.

"Baby," I whisper.  "What baby?"

"Our…our baby," she gasps before her green eyes roll into the back of her head.  She collapses, and I catch her limp form in my arms.  I stare down at her rounded stomach under her shirt.  I didn't notice it at first, because she's obviously not far along…but holy fuck…Adeline is pregnant.

When my eyes drift further down her body and notice the blood soaking the front of her jeans, a lump forms in my throat as tears sting my eyes.

Fuck.

She needs help.  Our baby needs help.

"Jackson!" I call.  When he doesn't show his face immediately, I find myself shouting his name.  "Jackson!"

Moments later, he hurries into the room with Katya by his side and a gun drawn.  But the moment he sees us, he shoves the gun into his waistband and runs over, collapsing onto his knees beside Adeline's unconscious body in my arms.

He rests his fingers on her neck, checks her pulse and meets my eyes.  "W-what happened?" he asks, his anxiety mirroring me.

My brain slowly puts the puzzle together even though I can't believe what I'm about to tell him.  "She's…she's pregnant," I spit out in disbelief.

Jackson's eyes flare with surprise, and then slowly peruse her body, taking in the blood staining her clothes and hand.  His expression settles into a look of understanding…and perhaps acceptance.  "We have to get her to a hospital right now," he says harshly.  He reaches for her, but I shake my head.

Standing with her in my arms, I pull her against my chest, breathing in her scent mixed with the metallic smell of her blood.  My shoulder aches, but I block out the pain, refusing to let her go.

Jackson gives me a stern nod before saying, "We're going to have to take one of their cars.  Where's Wraith?"

I'm about to tell Jax that he's busy with Giovanni, but I see that the FBI agents are handcuffing Giovanni and leading him out the door.  "Wraith!" I call.  When his attention is on me, I tell him, "We need a vehicle.  Now!"

Wraith nods before bolting out the door.  Jax grabs Katya's arm and leads us to the front of the house.  "Wait!  Who is she?  What's going on?" Katya asks, fighting against his grip, but Jax is not having any of it.

Just as we step outside, Jax stops and grabs her arms, pulling her towards him so that only an inch of space separates their faces.  I've never seen him this angry or upset before, and it scares the shit out of me.

"I'm done playing these games with you, Katya!" he yells.  "I need you to fucking listen to me just this once!" he growls, and I don't think I've ever heard Jackson talk like that to anyone…ever.

His demeanor right now tells me a lot.  It tells me that he's scared and worried…and that Adeline's condition is much worse than what I can possibly imagine.

A black SUV comes to a squealing, sudden stop several feet from the front entrance.  Wraith is out of the driver's seat and rounding the back of the vehicle before I can blink.  He opens the passenger side doors, and I gently rest Adeline on the soft, dark leather seat before climbing in beside her.

Jackson pushes Katya into the front passenger side and slams her door before climbing in the back behind me.

"Where to?" Wraith asks when he gets behind the steering wheel once again, gripping it tightly with his large hands.

"The nearest hospital," Jackson instructs Wraith as he opens an app on his phone to find the closest one.

The car ride is mostly quiet except for the satellite radio playing softly in the background.  Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea by MISSIO filters over the speakers as I brush Adeline's dark hair away from her beautiful, ashen face.

Her pregnancy explains the morning sickness and not being able to keep food down in her final days on the island that we had blamed on a stomach bug.

It must have been that day in the library when I craved her so badly I forgot to even wear protection.  But now that I think about it, there were other times too.  How could I have been so fucking careless?  I cringe when I think that I didn't even give her a choice in the matter.  We never even talked about the consequences…our future…

What if she loses too much blood?  What if she loses our baby?

She may never forgive me.

And I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.

I should have been more cautious.  I'm always so fucking careful.  But Adeline makes me lose my goddamn mind.  I'm not my normal fucked-up self when I'm around her.  That is proving to be both a blessing and a curse at this moment.

And now I may be losing our baby before we even had a chance to be happy about it.

Every now and then Jackson leans over the seat and checks her pulse.  The ever-present frown on his face tells me that things are not looking good.

I can't lose her.  I can't lose her.  I can't lose her.

I keep saying the mantra over and over again in my head, as if it will make some kind of difference over what I want versus what her body can suffer through and still survive.

But when I hear Jackson respond with, "I know," I realize I must have said the words out loud.  Then he says, "Turn left up here, Wraith, and fucking step on it."

I hold Adeline tightly in my arms as Wraith takes the turn at a dangerous speed and the SUV speeds down the highway.

Moments later, the SUV is stopping in front of a large hospital.  Jackson climbs out first and opens my door.  I climb out with Adeline, grimacing when my shoulder and thigh ache in protest, as Jax and Wraith run ahead through the doors leading to the emergency room.

I haven't stepped foot inside a hospital since I was rescued by my uncle.  Back then, my phobias were just starting to develop.  And the thought of going inside now has my skin crawling.

I stare at the bright, white foyer with a nurse's desk and an adjacent waiting room littered with chairs.  There are a few people seated inside, and I can't seem to stop myself from fixating on one in particular.

An old man is hunched over a chair in the corner, looking like grim death and coughing into his hand.  My eye twitches at the thought of how many germs are trapped in the air in that room…how many different strains of bacteria are on just one armrest.

My legs grow heavier and heavier with every step, and I struggle to maintain my balance.

"Fuck," I grunt, trying to pry my eyes away.  But it's like watching a car accident.  I can't seem to look away, and every heave of his stooped back as his lungs expand to pull in more to expel into a germ-filled cough is burning its way into my retinas.

My own lungs seize; my breath frozen in my chest as a wave of panic hits me like a ton of bricks.  My knees threaten to buckle.  I nearly drop Adeline from my arms, but manage to recover and pull her against me once more.

Jax looks back through the open automatic doors when he realizes I didn't follow him inside.  "What's wrong?" he asks with worry and confusion lacing his features.

I gasp a haggard breath and tell him, "I...I can't..."  Shaking my head, I internally curse myself for being so fucking weak, especially now...especially with Adeline's life and our baby's life dangling so precariously on the edge of darkness.

Jax doesn't hesitate.  He simply runs to me and pulls Adeline from my arms, ignoring my feeble protests.  His eyes meet mine as he apologizes, "I'm sorry, Luc."  He backs away with her cradled against his chest, and she looks so pale…so innocent.  "I have to be strong enough for all of us right now," Jax says softly.

In silent dismay, I watch him carry Adeline into the dreaded hospital, calling for someone to help them.  I can hear the desperation in his voice, how much he cares for her...how much he loves her.

But I saw the shift in his mood and demeanor when I told him she was pregnant.  I'm almost positive his love for her now has morphed into something more akin to friendship.

And for that I'm thankful…because right now he's the protector that I cannot be.

With more self-loathing than I have ever felt before in my life, I retreat from the hospital.  I stop a few feet away from the SUV and pull in several gasping breaths.

There is only one thing that may calm my troubling thoughts, and I need it.  Now.

Rushing to the back door, I swing it open wide and search desperately for my suit jacket.  It had fallen to the floor during the high speeds Wraith took to get here.  I scoop it up and dig into the inner pocket.

The moment my fingers come across the small bottle of hand sanitizer, a feeling of relief instantly floods my veins.

I flip open the cap and begin to coat my hands and forearms with the liquid.  It mixes in with Adeline's crimson blood smattering my skin, and I cry out in desperation when I can't rid myself of the substance.

I grab the suit jacket and wipe off my arms and start over again with lathering the liquid onto my skin and rubbing it in.

Even though the blood is gone, I can still see it in my mind every time I close my eyes.  Frantically, I begin to claw at my skin, desperate to get the burning substance into every fucking crevice and clean me from the inside out.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my back.  Whirling around with my fist raised and ready for attack, I instantly relax when I see Katya standing there with a confused look on her face.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly.

I stare down at my scratched skin, which is now burning from the alcohol in the sanitizer.  "I'm never okay," I mutter more to myself than her.  Raising my head, I glance from her to the hospital.  I no longer see Wraith, Jax or Adeline, so I assume they were able to get her the help she needed.

"I should be in there," I whisper in angst.

"Then why aren't you?" Katya asks.

I sigh and crush the empty bottle of sanitizer in my hand before throwing it on the floor of the SUV.  My hands tremble as I hold them in front of me.  I'm fucking losing it.  Of all times to fucking lose it…why did it have to be now?

"I can't explain everything to you right now," I tell her, grimacing.  "I'll just say I have a lot of issues."

Katya places one hand on her cocked hip.  "No shit," she spits in her thick Russian accent.

If there's anything I've learned from Katya over the past couple of weeks, it's the fact that she speaks her mind.  I think that's one of the things I like most about her.  She's definitely been keeping Jax on his toes.

"Who cares if you have issues?  We all have issues," she says, and I can see the hurt in her eyes beyond the stony expression.  But as quickly as it appeared, it's gone.  "You love her, don't you?" she asks pointblank.

"More than life itself," I confess.

"Then get your shit together and be the man she needs you to be right now."

Scowling, I rake my hands through my hair.  "I fucking can't!" I yell.  I feel helpless and hopeless and everything in between.  "She deserves better than this," I murmur.  "She deserves so much better than what I can give her."

Katya sighs and then is silent for a long time while I pace around the parking lot trying to force my legs to move towards the hospital instead of in a fucking endless circle.

"I'll be right back," I hear her say before she walks towards the hospital.

Fuck.  Now she's gone too.  And I'm out here all alone, not knowing what the fuck is going on with Adeline…or our baby.

My breathing becomes harsher, more desperate as I keep pacing, muttering to myself and counting the fucking cracks in the pavement.

The severity of the situation feels like a million ton weight on my back, and I feel like I could crack into a million different pieces at any given moment.

I could be losing them both right now.  And without having Adeline in my life…I'm not sure what would happen to me.

I just finally got her back, and now I could lose her all over again…forever this time.

By the time Katya returns, I'm a fucking mess.  She takes one look at me, and her eyes widen slightly before she schools her features.  "Jax told me a little bit about your…issues," she says softly.  "I think these might help."

I stare at the contents in her arms.  I gently take everything and set it on the seat of the SUV.  It looks like she raided a surgeon's locker.  Turning to her, I ask, "Where exactly did you get all of this…or should I ask how did you get all of this?"

She cocks a brow and simply says, "I have my ways."  Then she instructs me with a stern tone, "Hurry.  Put them on."

Grabbing the set of scrubs first, I slide them over my clothes.  Next, I slip on the boot covers and put the mask on my face.  I breathe through the mask and instantly feel better.

Lastly, I grab the blue latex gloves and put them on. 

Glancing at Katya, I earnestly tell her, "Thank you."

"You're welcome.  Now, let's go see how your girl is doing."