Barrett

 

Joy. I can’t remember the last time I felt true joy. I’m either feeling like everything is right with the world or extreme guilt lately. No in between. I’m happy for the obvious reasons. Presley brings out something in me I never knew I had. I knew I was responsible and hardworking, but there’s where I thought my good traits stopped. Pres has shown me that I have so much more to me. Passion, love, humor, and a vulnerability I never knew I possessed. I also now have two working hands, which means I’m signing to capacity and taking my car out again. Work at the shop is also in full gear, which gives me my sense of purpose back.

But in the quiet of the evening, it hits me that I shouldn’t be this happy. That I should be mourning the loss of my brother, even my father because it was my old life. I shouldn’t find joy in this new life because my family isn’t in it. I never have these thoughts on good nights, only the bad ones when I feel isolated and alone, then they come creeping back to taunt me. Like tonight.

When Pres and I are together it’s magic. Nothing can break the connection we have. But as soon as you add others into the equation, it always seems to blow up, with one of us feeling like the outsider. She’s hung out with my friends and I a few times, but she always gets the smile and nod going on, which I know full well means she’s totally lost and miserable, then she gets all quiet and contemplative on the way home. Tonight, we decided it was my turn to hang out with her and her friends, since I’ve never really done it before.

Being Monday, it is of course Musical Monday in her dorm room, and so I promised I’d come by after work. Tonight’s feature was My Fair Lady, which I know she picked because it’s one I actually know, which was very sweet. I get there and it’s pretty much in full swing. She kissed me and introduced me to everyone, but it was so dark in the room that I couldn’t see what anyone was saying, so she turned the overhead light on, earning glares and moans from the other musical goers. Then she grabbed the remote and put on the captions for me, which was also very thoughtful, but earned her a few more dirty looks, and even worse, snide remarks.

“I can’t concentrate with the words running on the screen, it’s very distracting, Pres,” one of her besties who I’ve heard a lot about but never met named Zeek, informed her.

“You’ll get used to it.” Pres wasn’t going to be swayed.

“Can’t we just turn it up really loud?”

“He’s deaf, Zeek, not hard of hearing. Don’t be a jerk,” her roommate pipes up, giving me a dazzling smile, like this isn’t super awkward. I have a feeling this girl thrives in awkward situations.

“Sorry.” He shrugged, not looking the least bit sorry.

“I can’t take the lights and the words, Pres, you’ve got to pick one, baby girl.”

The guy I could handle, even his comments don’t bother me because I’ve heard worse, but I can tell it’s making Presley very uncomfortable to interpret it, like she’s hurting my feelings. I get it, deaf man in hearing group, things aren’t really going to work out perfect. I’m used to it. I placed my hand on her arm and smiled.

“Relax, P, I’m fine.” I took the remote and turned off the captions. This seemed to calm him down. P is trying to sign everything that happens, but then someone says something, and someone else puts in their two cents, and I can tell it’s overwhelming her to try and keep up. “Forgot me test tomorrow. Go home study me. Sorry.” I try to look convincing, but I know she sees right through me.

“Sorry, B. Stupid idea me. Think not.” We were starting to get stares, so I took her hand and pulled her out into the hallway.

“Stop worry you. Fine me. Happen all time. Feel same you hang out my friends.” She didn’t argue because she knew I was right. I know she hates it, but I do too…that’s just how the world works. Not everyone is as understanding about special needs. Unless they’ve been around it, they don’t know what to do. Awareness is a huge topic with A.J. He’s going to go on to do great things for the deaf community.

“Go with you me.”

“No,” I say, placing my hand on her face and smiling into her eyes to soften my answer.

“No test you. Lie.”

“Right you. Lie me. Want alone me. Drive. Clear head.” I see the guilt in her eyes and I never want her to worry about me. That’s part of the annoyance. I don’t want her to see me as anything other than her boyfriend. She shouldn’t have to worry about me or babysit me in crowds. I gave her a quick kiss then waited until she went back in her room. I must have driven for hours.

It’s still a new luxury for me to be able to drive. Nothing clears my head like speed. Yet here I am lying awake, replaying the whole night in my head. I love Presley. Even though I haven’t told her yet, that doesn’t diminish the feelings I have for her. I love her more than I knew I was capable of. Yet I can’t help but still feel bad when I’m around her friends. It’s not her fault, we can’t live in a bubble no matter how much both of us would like to. She’s never tried to change me in any way, to make me “less deaf,” which a few people have, so I don’t know why my gut feels so twisted over this. I’m too much of a thinker, as my uncle likes to remind me. I’ll never get to sleep with this weighing me down.

Barrett: Can’t sleep. Basketball?

I send the text to several buddies, hoping at least one will respond back so I can work off this nervous energy.

A.J.: Preston Park?

I can always count on A.J. I shouldn’t have distanced myself from him like I have. I’ll have to make more time for him.

Barrett: Perfect. CU 10 minutes?

A.J.:;)

Casen: There other ways work off restless, B. Where Presley?

Barrett: You coming?

Casen: You know it.

Parker: Sneak out me, CU when can.

I smile because Parker’s parents are super strict, but he always manages to make it, just a bit late most of the time. Two on two is perfect. Maybe all I need is a night out with the guys.

 

 

We play ball for an hour before Parker has to leave to sneak back in. Casen grabs some Gatorades out of his car and passes them to us.

“Where pretty girl you?”

“Dorm her. Musical Monday.” I can’t help but chuckle at the confused looks I receive from both guys.

“What that?”

“Sound horrible.”

“Pres and friends watch musical movie every Monday.”

“Invite you not?” Casen asks, looking offended for me, even though just moments earlier the idea sounded like torture to him.

“Invite yes. Go me. Leave me.”

I’m hoping they will leave it at that, but Casen instantly picks up on something I’m not saying and stands up, looking mad.

“Friends like you not?”

“Sit down. Friends like fine. Weird, feel me…not settled. Pres, me, world different. Alone us world perfect.” I sigh and look down for a moment. Casen finally sits down and doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t do emotion well, and I don’t blame him, because either do I. A.J. just looks at me with his wise eyes that make me feel like he’s looking into my soul.

“What?” I finally ask him.

“P fit not your world. You fit not her world. Maybe need make world where all fit together.” Casen rolls his eyes at this and slaps us on the back.

“Need go me. Fun change world you two.” He smiles as he gets into his car and takes off. I look over at A.J. and smile.

“Wish easy me.”

“Who say easy? Hard. Worth work.” He sighs and looks uneasy, so I know he wants to say more. I don’t press him, but just wait him out until he starts signing again. “Gabby, me come easy. Saw her, saw me, finish. Together since. Never hard us, always easy…maybe fight sometime yes…but easy. Understand her me. Understand me her. Live same life. Have same friends. Go same school. Think me what happen when life hard? If always easy, maybe not know what do life not easy.” I look at him and wonder for the millionth time how this guy is only in high school.

“Gabby you perfect.”

“Now, yes. When build life on easy when life hard maybe crumble. Don’t know me. When build life on hard, foundation strong you. Harder to build? Yes. Take longer? Yes. But last longer too.” I smile over at him and ruffle his hair.

“Wise man you.” He rolls his eyes at me but smiles back.

“Her try change you?” he wants to know, and I can tell something Casen said earlier hit him.

“Never,” I say adamantly. “Accept me always. Meet me where am me. Never want me be different than am now.”

“Nothing else matter. Build on hard.”

“Build on hard,” I repeat, and for the first time all night, I feel my stomach uncoil.