Barrett

 

It’s here, the day I have dreaded for over four years now. Graduation day. Although now that my decision has been made, it’s less scary and more sad. All my memories with Codi are here, more than I can ever forget happened right here on this field. I look over at Randy and he smiles down sadly at me and squeezes my shoulder.

“Okay you? Want go?”

“No. Fine me.” I want to take it all in as much as I can. I decided not to walk at graduation. I earned my diploma like everyone else out on the field, but I just didn’t have it in me to go through with the ceremony. It doesn’t feel right to walk without my mom and Codi or…her here. I honestly don’t even think I’ll regret it. Randy supported my decision and didn’t even think I should be in the stands, but I came to support my friends.

After the ceremony, A.J. and Gabby talk me into going to a party for a while. A last night with all our friends, so I couldn’t say no. Randy took my car home and I join A.J. and Gabby in his. After about two hours at the party of well wishes and keep in touches, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and about stop breathing at the name on the screen. Everything freezes, my body my breath I think even my heart stops.

“What wrong?” Gabby looks concerned and pulls on A.J.’s arm to get his attention.

“P,” is all I have to sign. I see both of their worried looks but I take a deep breath and open the text.

Presley: Happy Graduation. I’m so proud of you, Barrett. Can you please meet me somewhere? It shouldn’t take long. Please?

Barrett: Can’t tonight. At party w/A.J. & Gabby. No car.

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. It’s an excuse. Even if it’s true, it wouldn’t take long for A.J. to take me to my car, or drop me off or have Randy come get me. But I can’t see her. Not tonight. It would destroy me. It’s hard enough as it is tonight, and nothing she could say or do could ease that pain at this point. My decision has been made, and seeing her would only cause doubt. Looking at Gabby and A.J., I can tell they don’t agree. They both thought I gave up too easily. My phone vibrates again and I prepare myself for her reply, but was shocked at what I see below.

Presley: They can come. Please, Barrett, I’m begging you to please come. You don’t have to say a word to me, I won’t even approach you if you don’t want, but there is something I need you to see. Please.

Instantly I’m worried. This doesn’t sound like Presley. She isn’t one to beg or push an issue when I’m clearly uncomfortable. What on earth could be so important if she doesn’t even want to talk to me? At the perplexed look on my face, A.J. looks confused, so I just hand him my phone. He reads it several times before he looks to Gabby and raises an eyebrow. I nod and he passes the phone to his girlfriend. She reads it once, and I’m not even sure she read it all the way through before she’s signing with fury.

“We go now, come.” She starts to walk when she turns back to see us rooted. “Seriously? We go.”

“Not your decision,” A.J. shoots back, earning him a scowl from Gabby.

“B, really? Months P say nothing. No text, no accidental meeting, nothing. Now contact you, important must.”

She is starting to sway me because everything she says is true. I just don’t think I can see her and not need her, crave her. Even if she doesn’t talk to me, just being near her is enough to shatter me. But Gabby is right, what if she needs me? A.J. can sense my inner battle and just shrugs.

“Decision yours. Whatever want you, fine. Go with you, drop off you. Decision yours.”

“I go,” I finally say, but feel like I’m going to puke. Gabby jumps up and down a few times and claps her hands.

“We go too.”

“G,” A.J. warns.

“What? P invite us, we go. Not rude me.” Their hostile interaction actually has me laughing, so I nod.

“Okay, we go.” He finally relents while Gabby starts fist pumping and practically dances to A.J’s car. He shakes his head but you can’t help but see the love he has for her. Presley texts me the address and A.J. puts it into his GPS. My stomach is in knots, and several times I almost tell him to turn around, but I can’t. It’s like she holds an invisible string I can’t cut. She’s tied to me no matter how hard I try—she’s in me. It’s like when you are so cold that no matter what you do, no matter how many layers you put on, you’re still freezing because it’s settled in your bones. That’s Presley, she’s under my skin and buried deep in the marrow of my bones. It’s an ache that no matter how hard I’ve tried to rid myself of her, she’s down deep, settled in. I hate it and I love it all at the same time.

“Here?” I swallow and nod once as I get out of the car on wooden legs. I look around, seeing that we are at some warehouse that looks totally sketchy. For a split-second I think this might be her getting revenge on me, but before that idea has any time to take root, I dismiss it. Not Pres, that’s not in her. Gabby is still bouncing away with a megawatt smile, and it gives me some courage as I follow her. I’m surprised to find Jodi at the door.

“Welcome. Happy Graduation.” I’m shocked to see her sign, so I sign back thank you.

“Did I do it right?” I nod yes and she smiles. “Sweet. Okay, follow me please.”

It’s super dark and takes me a moment for my eyes to adjust. There are a few people stationed around the room with flashlights so we can see where we are going. Jodi leads us to the center of the room where there are three chairs set up. She points at us and then the chairs and is gone. I look to my friends, who look just as perplexed as I am. True to her word, Presley is nowhere in sight. Then a spotlight shines and I see a woman I’ve never met before standing on a platform.

“Welcome. For safety, please stay sit. Stand, move chair, or leave not.” Her skill and ease in her signing tells me she’s an interpreter or at least a CODA. But what she’s saying has me freaked out. What is this? I look to my friends, and Gabby looks like she might burst from excitement. A.J. however, looks like he is ready to throw her over his shoulder and take off. I’m there with him. “If need leave, press button side right chair. Please remove shoes, socks, hold up. Give back, show finish. Enjoy.”

I reach out and feel the bottom on the side of the chair, but as I touch it, I notice something else, there’s some kind of box attached to the bottom of my chair. I reach over, and sure enough it’s on A.J.’s too. He’s shaking his head, but Gabby already has her shoes off and thrust in the air. He smiles now and follows suit. This has got to be some kind of alternate universe, but I follow, removing mine, and within seconds someone comes by and plucks them from me and in place they leave a…balloon? Sure enough, there is a blown up balloon now in my hand. Another person quickly comes behind me, placing both of my hands on either side of the balloon and then makes sure our feet are flat on the floor.

We don’t have to wait long before all the flashlights go out. They are replaced by an eerie red light. It starts at the back of the room and sort of rumbles over our bodies. Wait, it’s not just the light, there is actually a rumble going through my body. It’s deep and shakes my core. Then I swear I smell something…cinnamon? The red spotlight goes from us to something right in front of me. A man at a drum. Drum. That’s what I feel. I look and see another spotlight is added, and then another, and so on until we are surrounded by drummers who form a circle around us. The drumming started light as if rolling over us, but it’s picking up speed and the smell of cinnamon is getting stronger, almost like it’s pulsing with the beat.

The drummers are getting closer now. They walk with their drums one step at a time, but each time they hit the drum the smell gets stronger, and all of a sudden fire shoots out of the floor right in front of us. It would have burned me if I would have moved at all. Every time the drum is hit now, the fire shoots up and the smell increases. Then just as fast as it started, it stops.

Another light is added to the room, spotlighting four girls playing violins. This light is blue and it flits to and fro so fast I can hardly track it. But I watch the girls, and watch the light, and it’s timed to their violin. Now that the drums have ceased playing, it’s all about the violin. The scent of cinnamon is gone but in its place is a very light breeze. It’s timed in perfect sync with the blue light and the fast strokes of the strings.

The light switches again to orange, and this time five people playing flutes come out. I instantly smell oranges and see little white twinkling lights above us. I’m in complete awe and every hair on my body is standing on end. I look over and see the same look of awe on A.J. and see that Gabby has large tears streaming down her face.

The light changes again to a deep forest green. There is a large piano with the spotlight now. I can feel something through the chair and that’s when I realize it’s a large speaker under us. The balloon is picking up the vibrations in our hands, and I notice several speakers lining the floor, which help the vibrations start at our toes and go right up our legs to our spines. The light turns once again to six guys with electric guitars now. The vibrations with this are through the roof. I can feel my teeth rattle. The light switches from white to purple to yellow and what feels like spiders crawling up and down my back. I pray they aren’t actual spiders, because that’s exactly what they feel like. I know I’m not alone when Gabby jumps.

The light switches again to a bright white, spotlighted on one girl in front of us holding a triangle. As she hits it, I feel a very light mist of water kiss my face and neck, followed by a jasmine scent. It’s so light it barely caresses your skin. I close my eyes and inhale the music. I feel it, smell it, taste it on my tongue. I can actually taste honey. Then a flash of water shoots out of the ground like a flash. It happens a few more times before I see the spotlight on people who have cymbals. My eyes are seriously getting misty now. I never thought music could be anything more than words, but here Presley is proving me wrong. She’s showing me that music is more than words. It’s everything she’s always said it is. Sound, taste, smell. I never could fathom until now. Just like that it’s over, and we are plunged into darkness.

The spotlight comes back on and once again the unknown interpreter is back on the platform.

“Again. All together. We give you Silent Song For B.”

I can’t stop the tears from flowing now as all at once the music is played. The lights switch on and off. The smells and sounds combine to cover me in a warm blanket. The fire flashes and just as fast I feel the mist and taste the honey. I’m living, breathing, and tasting a song. A song all of my own. The song runs all the way through again, and then goes dark and silent. One at a time a spotlight is placed on a girl. Then another, and another, until there must be fifteen or twenty. They walk out and each take their place on a platform that comes out of the ground. The intro starts again. Flash of fire, flash of water, taste of honey. It surrounds them, and all at once their hands raise and I realize the one thing this song was missing. The one thing that until this moment was the only way I could experience music before, and I didn’t even notice it was missing until now. The lyrics.

 

Forgive me love not being upbeat,

But song about a tragedy.

Two in love who could never be.

For he deaf and she will never see.

 

He drowns in her world of guitars and pianos,

He swears doesn’t matter.

Her world made up of tunes and melody,

And lyrics is all he can ever sing.

 

Alone she will stay,

His habits unchanged.

But in her heart, he will always be,

The deaf guy meant for the girl who couldn’t see.

 

He wants be her hero,

Save her from everything.

But all she wants is life shared,

To see things from his perspective.

But how can that happen,

When he holds the blinds that hold the key?

 

Alone she will stay,

His habits unchanged.

But in her heart, he will always be,

The deaf guy who was meant for the girl who couldn’t see.

 

Her music no longer matters,

Lost to the world that stole it wholeheartedly.

For the one thing in life she wanted,

Was to join his silent melody.

But he shut her out,

Blinded to the fact that her sound is

Made up of more than one entity.

 

Instead of opening his world,

He holds dear to the things

That separate them so endlessly.

 

Alone she will stay.

His habits unchanged.

But in her heart, he will always be.

The deaf guy who was blinded

By the things she couldn’t see.

 

One day she decides to break through

Glass ceiling provided by society.

She shreds the lyrics and breathes life

Into the music that saved her time and

Again, you see.

 

She’ll find him one day,

After she removes the blinds that held her

Trapped so horribly.

Maybe he’s moved on.

Maybe he’s waited,

But in the end, all she ever wanted

Was a silent song that transcends lyrics.

A silent song just for B.

 

The girls sign so delicately and graceful, that it’s almost a dance. It’s so at odds with the lyrics themselves, which cut and hurt, but also have an odd healing. The song comes to an end with all the girls pointing right at me, then it all goes dark, allowing me to let the music sink in. I feel broken and made whole all at the same time. I’ve never been so touched or humbled in my life. Slowly, the twinkle lights come to life. I look over and A.J. looks about as stunned as I feel. Gabby is outright sobbing. I reach up and feel the wetness on my own cheeks, wiping them dry.

“Wow,” A.J. expresses, still looking a bit dazed.

“Yeah.”

“B need you find P. Find P, kiss her. don’t you, will me.” A.J. shakes his head but smiles lovingly over at Gabby.

“Take her car me. Take time you.” He helps her up and they walk hand in hand toward the door. I sit with my head in my hands for a moment, trying to find my center. I feel so thrown off axis right now. How am I supposed to respond to that? She’s just given me everything. An experience I never in a million years thought I’d have. How do you say thank you for that?

I feel a light tap on my shoulder and I look up, expecting to see her beautiful face, but find Jodi looking down shyly.

“You okay?” I’m surprised to see her sign again, and I smile at her, shaking my head. I look around the room and back at her, scanning again, then put my hands up.

“Presley?” she asks and I nod. “She didn’t want to pressure you,” she says clearly. The disappointment hits me straight in the gut.

“Here.” Jodi puts something in my hands and then turns and walks out leaving me alone with my emotions and words I’m not sure I can handle. 

I take the letter and head back to the car. None of us talk on the way home, all dealing with our own feelings and emotions that Presley’s gift brought on. I thank A.J. and say goodbye when he drops me off at home. Luckily, Randy is already asleep and I go straight to my room where I brace myself to read her words.

Barrett,

First, I want to start out with thank you for showing up. If I know you (and I think I do), you probably almost didn’t come, so thank you for taking the chance. I think the worst part of this separation has been not knowing how you are doing, feeling or processing all of this. Of course it’s been hard being away from you, it hurts on a physical level, yet nothing has been worse than not knowing how you are doing.

I know you think that we are too different for this to work. I totally understand where you were coming from when you walked away, but B, you were wrong. You said Music, movie night, and my hearing friends are what makes me who I am, what drives me. I might be passionate about those things, but where you were wrong was thinking that those things are all that matter. They don’t, Barrett. What matters is that while we were together you made me a better person. You opened my mind to a new culture, you showed me how to be a better person, and a better therapist. Those other things might make me who I am, but you are what makes me better B.

That’s what your absence has proven to me. That I’m a better person with you than I could ever be without you. Sure, we will always have challenges, maybe more than the average couple (what is average anyway?), but I want to be with someone who doesn’t just fulfill a need or a want but that molds me into a better version of myself. You never tried to change me. Get that straight right now. I can still love music, movies, and be social; those things won’t change, but what has changed is that I know I am more compassionate and understanding.  I can see things from a whole new perspective now.  I thank YOU for that.

This letter isn’t a plea to get back together or anything more than to thank you. Thank you for turning me into the person I am today, for opening my eyes, and letting me see past myself and my own needs. This song wasn’t just for you. It is a tool that allows an entire community of people, who were never able before, to experience the true power of music. I’m going to take this and use it in my work. That wouldn’t have been possible without you. I’m not sure how to thank someone who has touched and changed me so deeply, but I hope this is a step in the right direction. I’m not asking for anything more than you are able to give. But know that I love you always, and thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life.

All my love, Presley

I have to read the letter two more times since my eyes fill with tears the first two times I read it. My sweet Presley. Always doing things for others, thinking about others. Deep down, I know I don’t deserve her or her thanks, but I’ve learned that life isn’t about getting the things you deserve. It’s about what you do with the things you don’t. So, what exactly am I going to do?