Barrett

 

It’s about time I finally took her out for a real date. With all the family drama, personal drama, and school, we haven’t really had the chance to go out much in public. I chose a little Mexican restaurant Randy and I like to go to. As soon as we walk in and I’m scanned head to toe by the hostess, I quickly remember why it’s a bad idea. Stacy, said hostess, has had a thing for me for a few years now, not even caring that she’s much too old, not to mention desperate, for my taste.

“Barrett!” She lights up as soon as she sees me and I can feel Presley stiffen. I bring her closer to my body, wrapping my arm fully around her back as I drop a kiss on her forehead,, hoping to give her reassurance that this blatant woman means nothing to me. My little firecracker narrows her eyes at the woman and stiffens her spine. Game on.

Stacy comes around the counter and gives me a hug, which I don’t return. Not fazed in the least, she rubs my arm. Knowing I’m deaf, she usually keeps her assault a physical one…unfortunately. If she’s noticed the woman attached to me, or the death glare she’s receiving from said woman, she doesn’t show it.

“Come this way, hun.” She gestures us over to our usual table, which is the best lit spot in the restaurant. I smile my thanks and pull out Presley’s chair for her. Taking my seat across from her, I start looking over the menu, even though I know it by heart. When I finally look up, I see Presley’s menu untouched. Instead she is coolly looking at me.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“P?”

“Try understand me why you bring me place ex-girlfriend work.” It doesn’t seem like a question asked out of jealousy. She is searching my face, as if she will find some deep seated reason on why I’m trying to rub Stacy in her face or something. I sigh and put down my menu, reaching across the table to hold her hand. For me words always come second. They don’t hold as much meaning as a touch or look can. I give her a minute to study me and my expressions, and when I can tell she knows nothing happened, I go ahead and assure her with the words.

“Nothing happen. Not ex, not interested. Never was.”

“She looked you like birthday her, cake you.” She adds a small grin and I let out the breath I was holding. I shake my head and smile.

“Sorry. Won’t come again.”

“Not here only, B. Everywhere go us, girls, women, old ladies…all eye you. It’s not that I’m jealous…” She trails off for a minute and takes her time to think through what she’s trying to say. It’s one of the things I appreciate most about her. She doesn’t come up with snap judgments or say things out of anger. She’s a lot like my brother in that way. “Not how look you. How look me problem.” That comment throws me for a minute and she laughs at the confusion that must be all over my expressions.

“Girls look through me. See no challenge, no way you want me over them.” She blushes a bit but continues on. “Know you out league me. Fine me. Proud have beautiful boyfriend.” She winks and it melts me a bit. She doesn’t ever talk about me like I’m just a piece of meat. Just a hot body and a nice face. The fact that she calls me beautiful should probably bother me, seeing as I’m a guy, but I like it.

“Hate me people disregard us. Not me…but us. This.” She holds up our hands and I bring them to my mouth and kiss every one of her knuckles.

“Bother me not. People can ignore us fine. But won’t me. Won’t you. Important only. My friends and family, yours…if they see what important. Everything else matter not.” She smiles wide, and just like that the subject is dropped. But my guilt eats at me. This girl who is older than me by a few years is so much more innocent. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t think our age difference has been an issue. I had to grow up pretty fast for my age, but my life experience seems so much deeper than hers. I want to protect that innocence, I don’t like talking about my experience with girls, especially with someone I care about who does seem so innocent, but she needs to know where I’m coming from and what might arise because of it.

“How many boyfriend you?”

“Serious? Not date only?”

“Serious boyfriend yes.”

“Two. One high school, one college. High school boyfriend one year. College two year, but date more for parents. Parents like him. Family friend. Want me date him. Nice guy, like me but common nothing. Never felt…connection. Bond.” She leaves off the ‘like I do with you’ but she doesn’t have to say it because I already know.

“Girlfriend me never.” Her eyebrows go up skeptically, and she’s about to call me a liar, but I put a hand up. “Girls, yes. Girlfriend no.” She scowls at this and I realize I might be making things worse, not better.

“After Mom die, hard time me. No physical touch, no affection me. Dad look at me not. Touch me not. Talk only Codi. Lonely deep. Sometime feel like can’t breathe, feel invisible. One night Casen force go party. Girl like how look me. Heard drag race me. Not ask my name. Not care. Not want talk her. First time many months someone touch me. Dance all night. First time feel alive, feel seen.” I hate remembering back to that night; in fact I try not to. The elation I felt, the need, the belonging. The connecting to another person, the touch that proved I was alive and could be seen. Then to have it all crash down in the harsh light of day. “Next morning, girl gone. No note, no number. See at school two days later, know me not.”

“I’m so sorry, B.”

“Not need sorry you. Just want you know not player me. Not want many girls, but want connection. After first girl, another and another. Care not personality. Care not talk me. When with them feel connection, feel wanted. Fake yes. But for one moment not feel broken. Words needed not. Ears needed not.” I know I’m blushing, my face feels hot and I hate admitting this to her. She’s also pink.

“Don’t care about girls, Barrett. Past.”

“Yes, past. Different you, P. You see me. First person long time see deep. Care deep. Not need words, not need sign, touch deep. Scare me…but good scare. First time feel connection without physical. Know not much experience physical you. Not much experience emotional me. Maybe learn together?”

She smiles wide and takes a drink of water. Just then the server brings our food and lingers longer than needed when putting mine down. Presley waits until she walks away and sends me a sweet smile. “Girls look all want. You mine. Touch you—” She’s makes her point by jabbing the air a few times with her fork and I can’t help the chuckle that escapes me.

“Easy, tiger.” She growls, and just like that the heavy talk is lightened. I should have known she wouldn’t judge me.

 

 

It’s nice to be back to work and driving again. Racing season starts in a few weeks and I’m stoked, but with that comes dread. Spring has always meant the racing circuit and nothing else, but now it means I’m that much closer to graduation, and for the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan. The plan was always to stay home and work as much as I can and race whenever I’m not working. Maybe do a few street races to make sure the money is good, set it aside for Codi to go to college…but now, well, now I have a blank slate.

My guidance counselor has stayed pretty quiet for the most part. I was expecting her to pounce as soon as I returned to school, but she wisely waited. She called me into her office for a routine check-in to make sure I’m not behind in any classes and I’m sure to fish about what I’m going to do. But guess what, I have no freaking clue, lady.

“Hello, Barrett. How are you doing today? “

“Fine, thank you. And yourself?” Jermain voices for me.

“I’m good, thank you.” She folds her hands, looks up, and smiles sweetly at me.

“I’m so glad to see your hands are better now. How is school? Were you able to catch up okay?”

“Yes, school is fine. The tutor actually helped me more than catch up, my grades are the best they’ve ever been. My uncle has been helping me with my English, so I’ve pulled my grade up to passing.” She beams at this new information, which I’m sure she already had, since my file is sitting on her desk.

“That’s wonderful news, Barrett, I’m so glad to hear it. Have you given any more thought to life after graduation?” At least she’s not being too pushy…at the moment, anyway.

“Yes, I’ve given it thought. That’s all I can do is think about what will happen, and to be honest, I just don’t know. I don’t think I can move on and go where you want, it just doesn’t seem right. Yet staying here and doing nothing with my life doesn’t seem right either, so I’m not sure what to do.” Her face loses its smile and she reaches across the desk and places her hand on mine.

“I understand, Barrett. I’m not here to harass you into going to college. Do I want what is best for you? Yes. Do I think Gallaudet is a perfect fit for you? Of course. But that’s not your only option. What I want for you is to further your education no matter where that is. Gallaudet I think would just be an easier transition, but you’ve never taken the easy way out before.” She tosses me a smile and I can’t help but smile back. “I looked into several colleges around that have a good signing program and strong student service centers. Here is a list. Another option is to go to a school of your choice and have them provide an interpreter.” She smiles at Jermain. “The point is you have options. Apply to as many schools as you can now. Visit them, go to the classes, talk to the student service department. I believe in you, Randy believes in you, you have a support system, and I just wanted you to know that.”

I don’t know what to say since I’m actually on the verge of tears. I’ve always known Randy believed in me, and of course my brother did, but I’ve never had anyone else. To see that she genuinely cares touches me. I’m horrible at expressing my emotions, so I just sit there and look at her for a moment. Then I do something very out of character for me and I hug her.

“Thank you,” I rasp out. It’s the first time I’ve ever voiced to her and you can see the surprise all over her face. That, along with the hug, have thrown her for a loop today. She holds me by the shoulders and speaks slow and clear.

“You are very welcome, Barrett. You’ve got this. One step at a time, okay?” I nod and turn back to Jermain.

“Have a nice day,” he voices for me as I walk out without looking back.

I only have two classes left today and both are electives. I know I shouldn’t blow them off, but I need to talk this over with someone, and Presley is the only one I want to do that with. She is such a big part of my life, and I’m hoping she’ll want to factor herself into this decision. I head straight for my car and decide to stop in on her earlier than planned.