Mila~
“He hugged you, twice!” Harper shrieks, her body’s twisted around the passenger seat so she can see my face.
“Looked more like he was trying to get into her pants,” Nathan growls. He looks annoyed, but then, he’s been pretty much pissed off with the whole world lately. Nathan is my neighbor, and it’s just by chance that he’s been studying at the same place. Nathan keeps failing. I don’t know what his plans are for his future but he doesn’t seem to be taking anything serious.
Cathy asked him to give us a ride to and from college. I’m so glad today’s the last day. The guy gives me the creeps.
“Sooo,” Harper shrugs, “your point being?”
Dang, Harper still hasn’t learned to just let Nathan be. He’s been overdoing the big brother thing with her lately, and sometimes it’s just better to let him have his little rant than bait him.
“My point?” he snaps. “You gonna sit there and tell me you’re okay with Liam rubbing his dick up all over Mila in front of the whole college?”
“Jeez, Nathan!” I gasp. “Crude much?”
“Yeah, I’d be okay with that,” Harper adds more fuel to the fire.
I squeeze myself up between their seats to put out the flames.
“Technically, the first one wasn’t a hug. You know I like Liam, so try to be nice, would you? I got squashed between Mickey and him. He was just being nice, keeping me from being trampled. You don’t have to be so ugly about it, Nathan. Besides, you have no say over my life. I get to date who I want. You’re not the boss of me.”
I’ll never let a man control me again so Nathan can take his control issues and go fuck himself. I glare at him for extra effect. Cathy says that you should never show you’re scared. If all else fails, then I should fake bravery. She says no one will know the difference and that’s all that matters – fake it until I make it.
“Spin that shit anyway you want. He had you so tight against that wall, I could feel the heat cooking between the two of you.” Harper fans herself.
I can’t blame her. It felt pretty hot, but now is not the time to talk about it. Not when I’m trying to calm Nathan.
Nathan mumbles something and scowls, but he seems to be calmed down for now. I smile like an idiot and rest my chin on my arm that’s braced between the two seats. I still can’t believe how the day went down. Liam really hugged me.
Damn, Liam really asked me out!
“I don’t know why he hugged me. I’m still in shock that he asked me to the party. He just leaned down and wham! He was hauling my butt in for a hug. I didn’t know what to do at first. I almost peed my pants,” I laugh, feeling silly but exited that this is really happening. Even saying it out loud makes it sound surreal. Maybe I’ll wake up in my bed and this whole last day will just be one weird dream.
“I can’t believe they’re picking us up.” Harper bounces in her seat, her green eyes sparkling with the same excitement that’s bubbling through my veins.
“So what? Now I have to go alone?” Nathan snaps. He slams his foot on the gas, making the car roar forward. My body and neck snaps back, while Harper tumbles forwards and slams into the dash.
“Nathan, what the fuck, dude?” Harper punches his arm and then quickly straps herself in.
The easy vibe is gone. I rub the back of my neck where a dull ache is starting to form. I’m so glad I don’t have to drive around with him anymore.
“You guys just made plans, not even thinking of me.” Nathan is clearly pissed now. When his eyes narrow to angry slits like that, it’s not good. I turn my face away, focusing on the scenery outside my window. It won’t even help to get into it with Nathan now.
“You can come along. I don’t see why you’re making such an issue out of this. We’re all going to the same party. It’s Liam’s party. He’s picking up Mila and Mickey dared me. We’re still going to be a group when we get there,” she huffs.
The second Nathan stops the car in the driveway, I’m out. Harper follows, slamming the door shut.
“Don’t slam my fucking door!” Nathan screams after her.
I walk faster so I can get away from him. I wish he would go to his own house.
Yeah, so much for wishful thinking. Nathan has only gotten worse, slamming doors all over the house like he actually has a right to be here. I wish he’d just go to his house and sulk there.
Cathy got home ten minutes ago and had to sit him down. I don’t know what she said to him, but he seemed calmer when he left. He’s like a virus you just can’t get rid of.
“Come on, you have to get dressed. Mickey and Liam will be here in twenty,” I remind Harper, as she flops down on my bed after doing her make up. She curls up into a fetal position instead of getting up.
She pretty much moved in here when she turned eighteen. Her parents don’t seem to care. They know she’s here. Her father is a big shot businessman. He has his fingers dipped into any-and-everything, and her mother checked out of the reality zone a while back. Raising Harper’s down-syndrome sister was a bitter pill for her to swallow and she’s never recovered. Now Harper only goes home to check on her little sister, otherwise she pretty much lives in the guest room here with us.
Yeah, not all families are perfect. I let her talk about it whenever she feels like it. Sometimes, I think she only talks about her life in the hopes that I will talk about mine, but I never do. I never will. It hurts too much knowing I left Claire behind in that hell hole. There’s also the fear that follows me like a shadow – the fear that the cult will finally find me and bring a horrible end to this amazing life I’m busy discovering.
No one knows about my past, except for Cathy and she only knows because she’s the journalist who saved me. Cathy even went as far as having a fake identity and drivers license made for me through a contact she picked up over her years of being in journalism. We kept my first name but she gave me her last name, Jameson. We needed the I.D so I could enroll for classes. Cathy risked everything for me.
Nathan and Harper know that I’m terrified of the dark, but they don’t know the reason why. They know about the panic attacks. With Harper living in the same house as me, she’s picked up on some of the triggers. They know I avoid the dark and small spaces but they don’t know that it’s because the order locked me up once a month.
It kills me to know that the same thing is happening to Claire. I have to go back for my sister. I won’t be able to forgive myself if I just leave her there. I just have to hold out until she’s sixteen. I have to get a good job so I can provide for her wherever we end up running to.
It’s so hard waiting, but I have to force myself to be patient.
“Nathan will only spoil tonight,” Harper mumbles, her face turned into my pillow.
“So you want to stay home? Because I’m good with watching a movie.”
“Nooo, you’re going! You can’t bail on Liam.” She sits up, then scoots to the end of the bed. Heaving a heavy sigh, she pushes herself off the edge and walks over to my dresser.
“So how will I dress ya, pretty mamma?” She pouts, and starts to make kissing noises. She just wants to see me get laid. I swear, it’s her one sole purpose in life. “You know you don’t have one single dress,” she muses after tossing half my clothes on the floor.
“And your point is?” I’ve avoided wearing dresses since the order. Wearing pants is my way of rebelling against them.
She turns to face me, takes one look, and bursts out laughing. “You should see your face. You’re making fish lips, too.”
I am? She’s right, I am. Watching her do it, I unconsciously started to pout my lips.
“Oh, suck on it.” I walk over to her and start to ruffle through the clothes on the floor. “I’m thinking my cut-offs and these.” I hold up a white three-quarter sleeve shirt.
“Really? Ugh,” she snubs at it. “I’m thinking this.” She holds up one of her black tube tops that can pass for a bra. How that thing landed between my clothes, only she will know.
“Yeah …ah … no. Ugh, I might as well go in a bra then. Nice try throwing it in there, though.”
“Oh, c’mon. Just because you’re a virgin, you don’t have to look like one.”
I lift an eyebrow, pop out a hip and jab my fist on it, giving her my what the fuck pose.
“You didn’t just throw me being a virgin in my face? Are you really going to start that shit again?” I throw my hands up, then settle back into my pissed off pose. “What the hell, Harper? You calling me a nun just because I won’t wear your tube?”
“Name one guy you’ve gone to first base with.” She’s been on my case about this since we started college together.
My eyebrow drops and I straighten out. So we’re going to do this shit again? I resist the urge to flop down on the bed and take cover under my pillows.
“And that does not include your wet dreams of Liam,” she taunts.
Yeah well, shit. That about narrows it down to zero.
“Screw you,” I throw back at her.
The only reason I haven’t told her about my ‘almost’ one time is because it was a mistake. It was one of those gawky teenage experiments that took the express way to awkward. Squeeze a boob, and the second he cupped me between the legs we knew it wouldn’t go any further. I couldn’t even look him in the eye afterwards. Talk about experimenting with the wrong guy. Uh-eww-no!
“I’m not that way inclined,” she snickers. But then she keeps going. “Name one, Mila. Just one guy you’ve kissed.”
We get into this fight often because she’s still under the impression that I’ve never been kissed.
“Actually, you know what,” she goes on, “you’re more like Mother Theresa. The Virgin Mary at least kissed Joseph. You’re like in the nun zone still.”
I grab the cut-offs, tops and clean underwear, and stomp towards the door.
“You can’t even get changed in front of me. I bet the Virgin Mary got changed in front of the other Mary’s,” she keeps going.
My shoulders slump because that was the ultimate low blow. We’ve been friends for two years. I have no reason to not trust Harper. She’s shared all her secrets with me. I know she lost her virginity to Mason Eckhart when she was seventeen. He was some guy she went to school with. I was also the first to know about her crush on Mickey.
I have no reason to not trust her. I should open up to her … for once.
I suck in a deep breath of air and hope to God I’m doing the right thing.
“I kissed Nathan. It was stupid, and only once. A year after I got here. It was a big mistake. It’s like kissing your brother. We burst out laughing afterward. Talk about aww-kwaaard.” I don’t turn around to see her reaction.
“You never told me,” she murmurs with an undertone of sadness in her voice. I didn’t expect her to sound hurt.
I’m a shitty friend. I know I am. I should’ve told her sooner.
“I was fifteen and stupid. We were talking one night and I told him I’ve never been kissed. It just happened, and believe me, it never should’ve.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I told you about all mine.” I never expected her to sound so hurt. Maybe surprised, but not hurt.
I brace myself, because what I’m about to do next should take her mind of that topic.
I grip hold of the hem of my shirt. Taking a deep breath, I slowly lift it. It feels as if my stomach is inching up with the material, squashing my thumping heart into the small cavity space of my chest.
I hear her suck in a sharp breath as the material slides away from my lower back and over my head. I keep going, getting undressed, and then putting on the clothes for the party, although I’m not so sure about going anymore. This day has been too much of a rollercoaster ride already.
“Oh My God!”
I keep my back to her. I don’t want to face her and see pity in her eyes.
“Mila,” she finally whispers in a tiny hoarse voice. I can hear the tears, thick and heavy.
Regret trickles down my spine. The last thing I want is for her to cry for me. She has enough shit in her own life to deal with. I just wanted to give her enough so she would stop asking questions. I suppose it backfired on me.
I walk over to my desk so I can check my make-up. I didn’t put on much, only a little powder, waterproof mascara and lip gloss. Maybe I should tie my hair, but then I see Harper’s reflection in the mirror. I stop, slouch back in the chair and huff a sigh.
This is why I never talked to her about any of my past. This is why I hide the scars on my lower back left by all the times I’ve been whipped for being sinful. She’s looking at me the exact same way Cathy did.
That look of pity. The one everyone has when they see something gruesome in the world they can’t wrap their minds around.
First they freeze up, then their faces split with a deep ache, as if they were there, suffering along with me. I can’t understand why they feel pain for me if they weren’t there. I watch her first tear fall and roll over her almost perfect white skin. Her whole face crumbles, and she heaves as a silent sob rakes through her.
Cathy was the first person to treat me like an actual human being. Then Harper came along, and I discovered what it was like to have a friend. Everyone at college treated me like I’m just another girl because none of them know about the cult.
Now Harper’s seen the scars and the pity in her eyes is enough to choke me.
I’ve worked so hard over the past six years to become someone, and especially in the last two years. I won’t let Harper pity me, and I’m certainly not ready to talk to her about any of that shit that happened back at the order.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. Please don’t ask me about it and don’t mention it to anyone.”
The tension between us is so thick you can taste the bitterness in the air. She nods wildly as she wipes at her cheeks. She drops down to the floor and without a word starts to gather all the clothes. Her movements become jerky.
All of a sudden a loud sob escapes her. The sound makes me cringe. I didn’t mean to upset her like this.
She throws the clothes into the corner, slumps down onto her butt, and just sits.
Another soft sob drifts through the room. I cringe when she breaks down. I shouldn’t have shown her. Shit!
Harper wipes her cheeks again.
“I’m sorry, I’m trying to stop. It’s …” She doesn’t stop. She does the one thing I can’t even do for myself. She cries for me.
It hurts to watch my best friend cry. I want her to stop so badly. Every tear is like a path of acid river to those dark gates of hell in my soul. It feeds the monster the cult left behind in me.
“Hey, hon,” I try to hush her. “Please don’t. You have to stop.”
She doesn’t. Her tears keep falling and my hurt changes into anger. There is nothing I hate more than being pitied.
“Stop, Harper, you have to stop.” I get up and walk over to her.
I kneel in front of her, trying to think of a way that I can calm her down. She grabs hold of me, hugging me tightly.
“Please, stop crying. It’s in the past.” I pat her back but it doesn’t help. It’s like I’m winding up that damn box she has in her room, the old one with the ballerina. The more I pat her, the more she’s turning up the waterworks.
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to stop. I’ll stop now. It’s just…” she sniffles and tries to wipe her face without smudging her make-up. “I can’t believe someone did that to you. I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but-” her tongue darts out, wetting her lips.
It’s a nervous habit we share, one I picked up from her. I picked up a few habits from her. I didn’t have much of a personality of my own when I got here. Like her, I loop my hair around my fingers and rub it until I fall asleep. I fidget with my watch a lot when I’m nervous.
My stomach coils, knowing she’s going to talk about it anyway.
“What happened to you? Are those lashes? When I met you … you were this skinny little thing.”
Thing?
Did she really just call me that? Disappointment flares hot through me. I shove away from her, and, jumping up, my breaths start to come faster.
I force the words out. “Don’t call me that. I’m not a … a … I’m not a thing!”
“I-I didn’t,” she stutters, stunned by my outburst. She looks desperate and sad, where she’s kneeling on the floor, clutching her hands in front of her chest.
A knock on my door has us both jumping, we’re that tense.
“Your rides are here,” Cathy calls.
“You better get dressed. You don’t want to keep them waiting,” I bite the words out.
Because I’m already in my room, I sit down at my desk and drop my face into the crook of my arm.
“Fuck!” Harper snaps behind me.
She’s been trying to stop cursing. It was her New Year’s resolution. She was on a downward spiral last year. Cursing and sex were her two vices, and she’s not giving up on sex. So she’s watching her language, or at least trying to.
If this is her way of trying to break the tension between us, it’s not going to work. This time Harper has gone too far.
I hear her move around the room, and I pray she’ll hurry up. I want her to get her butt out of my room. I need to have a moment to myself. A few minutes later I feel her hand on my shoulder and I flinch away from her touch.
“Please come with me.”
“The thing wants to be left alone,” I bite the words out, my insides swirling with the raw hurt her words have left behind.
I hold my breath until I hear the door close behind her. I still don’t move. I wish I could cry like she did. All I can squeeze out is one miserable tear. I let it be and press my face deeper into the crook of my arm.
I’m not a thing.
I have to believe I’m someone, or I’ll lose my shit like all those people at the cult.
I can’t believe she called me that. She’s supposed to be my best friend! I shouldn’t have shown her the marks.
I should’ve known she would react that way, just like everyone else. No one will ever see me just for me. They will always just see the weakling that once belonged to a cult.
Shit! Tension and chaos whirl inside of me. I shouldn’t have shown her. I’ve ruined our friendship.
The door opens and I huff a shaky breath. My chest feels heavy from the memories weighing down on me. I feel torn from Harper’s reaction.
“Please, just go.” My voice cracks, but I push through. I don’t want her near me, not right now. “You made it clear. I get it. You saw it and it shocked the shit out of you. There are times I can’t look at it myself, either. I get why you called me a thing. Just go. I want to be miserable on my own.”
The door doesn’t open again and Harper doesn’t say anything.
Instead, someone clears his throat.
My head snaps up and I wish I could die a thousand deaths right now.
Liam.
Liam~
Harper said Mila was upset, that they had a fight, or something. When Harper said she wasn’t coming I asked which room was hers, because like I said earlier, I will drag her to the party if I have to.
I only took in every second word she just said. The thing that hit base was her cracking voice. Mila sounds heartbroken.
The idea that my girl is hurting stabs right at my heart. I’ll do just about anything to make her smile.
My girl.
The thought doesn’t even surprise me anymore.
This day took its sweet time coming. I have every intention to make her mine before the end of tonight, but I have to curb my thoughts because her face keeps getting paler, her eyes bigger. She opens her mouth to say something but snaps it closed again.
I walked in on something big I can feel it shifting through the air, thick and heavy. I wait to see if she’s going to say more, but then she slumps back in the chair as if she’s giving up.
“Harper left with Mickey,” I say the first thing that comes to mind.
She makes a small squeaky sound. I think it was supposed to be a word.
“I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked first.” No, I’m not, but it’s something to say. I take another step into her room.
It’s not what I expected. Damn, it’s a mess. Clothes cover just about every inch of the floor and double bed.
There’s a dresser that’s been pretty much emptied out. I guess that’s where the clothes go by the look of the few items hanging out of the drawers.
“Harper.” Her voice is hoarse, as if she’s been crying. She waves a hand in the general direction of the disaster that’s her room. “That’s what happened to my room. It doesn’t usually look like this. Harper always leaves it a mess.”
“And here I thought you were into trashing rooms. Damn, I was just about to ask you to go do my room. It needs a make-over.”
A glimmer of a smile pulls at the corner of her mouth and I take it as a good sign.
“Hey…” I take two cautious steps closer to her. It feels like any sudden movements might make her crumble. I reach out my hand to her, hoping to God she’ll take it. “How about us skipping the part where we trash my room and we go crash my party?”
She places her hand in mine and firmly grabs hold. A shy smile tugs at her lips for a second. I can see the moment she makes the decision to have fun tonight. Her eyes brighten and her smile stretches wider.
The tight grip on my heart lightens a bit and I can breathe easier.
“Why not?” She shrugs.
She has always used Harper as a shield to hide behind, so when she stands up and she presses her body against mine, I’m almost done for. Her lips brush softly against my cheek and it knocks me off my feet. My heart all but flat lines for a second.
I don’t let go of her hand. No way in hell is that happening.
I’m not sure what her reason is for kissing me, but you won’t hear me complaining. Not that I’m saying Mila’s cold. No, not at all. She’s … fuck, she’s just different.
How can I say this to her, without sounding like a dick? She’s not easy come, easy go. But, I don’t think she’s shy either.
Mila’s guarded. She doesn’t let people in. Fuck knows, I’ve been trying for two years. That’s about the best I can do in the way of explaining Mila. She has walls up that will put the wall of China to shame.
She steps back and my eyes drop down the length of her body, straight to her legs.
Da-yaamn, those shorts are … uhm … short. Come to think of it, I’ve only ever seen her in jeans.
Mila has legs. Of course Mila has legs, but fuck she has stunning legs.
I manage to tear my eyes away from them and drag them back up her body. She’s wearing a loose fitting top. I can see her shoulder peeking from where the top has started to slip off on the one side. Damn she looks hot.
I clear my throat before I try to speak, not that I have any idea what to say.
She beats me to it. “Let me just grab my bag.”
Dammit, I’m going to have a hard time keeping my hands off her tonight. Fuck it! I close the distance between us. I’ll try and figure out later why I chose this moment to lose my control, but right this second, I just let go. I lift my hands to her face, press my palms against her cheeks and run the tips of my fingers into her hair.
Leaning in, I tilt her face up to mine and I would’ve kissed her if it weren’t for the dried tear track on her left cheek.
Well, I would’ve kissed her on her mouth, but now is not the time or the place. She had a fight with Harper, and it upset her.
When I kiss her, the moment will be perfect. I want her to think only of me. I place a soft feathery kiss below her eyelash where the tear track starts, and as the need in me grows, I keep going. I brush my lips gently down the length of her cheek.
She exhales, warm shivering breaths against my neck, and it makes the moment perfect.
I stop by the corner of her mouth and I almost give in to the need to just claim her mouth. For a few torturous moments I allow myself to feel her warm breath on my face.
Damn, I need to get a grip on this situation, or I’m going to grab her right now, and she doesn’t need me losing my control.
Fun, she needs to have fun tonight.
I pull back, stuff my hands in the pockets of my shorts, and force a half-assed smile to my lips.
“Grab what you need. Let’s hit the road.”
She blinks a few times, looking stunned that I just pulled that move on her. Then, true Mila style, she throws up a wall, and I have no idea how she feels about me almost kissing her.
I watch as she slips on a pair of sandals and grabs a purple bag with huge yellow sunflowers on it. It screams Mila.
She scans her room one last time. When I take a step in the direction of her door, she holds her hand up for me to wait.
“Oh, I almost forgot.”
I watch her bounce over the bed and a hot streak flashes through my body, straight down south. Her ass is in the air as she stretches her tight body over the bed. I tilt my head like a pervert, taking in the full view of her toned ass and legs. She switches on the light beside her bed. The bag tumbles from her shoulder, catching the material of her shirt and drags it up, exposing more of her smooth shoulder.
Da-yamn she’s gorgeous. The way her hair tumbles over her back just makes me want to run my fingers through it.
I’d love to get on the bed and grip a hand full right now. Ease my hand down her back to where her shirt is inching up. Fuck, I wouldn’t stop there. I’d slip my hand under her shirt and slowly caress my way back up to her neck, taking in the feel of her smooth skin under my fingers.
Oh, hell yeah. I reach down to adjust myself, before Mila gets back up.
She scoots back over the bed, her ass wiggling. This girl has no idea how sexy she is. Her shirt inches up her back, exposing more of her skin.
At first all I see is the bare strip of milky skin between her shirt and her shorts. All I can do is stare. I feel a tendril of shock vibrate through my chest as it starts to register what I’m actually seeing.
The twist in my gut is so intense, I almost double over. My eyes jump over her lower back and I have a split-second to take in the sight. I only get a glimpse, because she’s fast, swinging around and adjusting her top, covering the pale pink, thin scars on her skin.
I look to the other side of the room, pretending I didn’t see.
Fisting my hands, I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to know how she got those marks. I’ve been so obsessed with seeing her every day, with getting a date from her. I never stopped to think about her – who she is. Who is Mila? Now I want to know her more than ever. What was her life like before we met at college?
I have just enough time to paste a smile to my face, when Mila nudges me.
She comes to stand right in front of me and smiles playfully.
“Let’s go or you’ll be late for your own party.”
She’s smiling, that perfect smile that brightens up her face. It goes straight to my heart.
I need to get myself together, and fast.
“Yeah.” Bringing my hand up to her cheek, I brush the spot where the tear streak was. “Let’s go have fun.”
I take her hand in mine and push the marks I just saw on her back out of my mind. I’ll deal with it later. I can’t deny the fact that my insides feel twisted at knowing Mila has been hurt by someone. The thought of her being in pain rips at my gut.
But, right now, I just want to focus on the girl standing in front of me. I want to keep that smile on her face.
I want to make her fall in love with me as much as I am in love with her.