Chapter 22
Vanessa
Have a good night, Vanessa.
Not Nessa… Vanessa.
He rarely used my full name, so it wasn’t an accident he did so now.
My first reaction was anger. He was the one changing what we agreed on. I knew after that first suggestion of a sleepover it was only a matter of time before he’d screw around with the rest of our terms. But as the night went on, with every turn in my empty bed, anger turned to something else… regret.
I started to feel bad for giving him a hard time and thinking the worst… or that I wasn’t capable of moving past all my issues when it came to relationships. It was just the way I was wired, and maybe agreeing to this with Kyle was stupid on my part. Going in I knew one of us would get hurt. Call me selfish, but I wouldn’t survive it if the “one of us” turned out to be me. And based on the way I couldn’t stop thinking about him, he had the power to destroy me if things progressed between us.
Yet, I felt like crap, seeing his handsome face every time my eyes slid shut and remembering every moment we had spent together thus far. So, who was I really hurting?
The scent of his cologne still lingered in my apartment, and on my sheets from the night before we left for L.A. Even after cleaning, I could still catch a faint smell of him in my space.
I was a weekend sleeper, meaning if I didn’t have to be somewhere I could stay in bed until early afternoon without issue. That should have been the case today. Besides being tired from traveling, the thought of having to go back to work the next day would have guaranteed I slept in. But there I was up and bored by seven a.m.
I should have paid attention to the yoga moves Brae shoved down our throats. It seemed like the perfect time to know how to center myself and meditate. I knew I wanted to keep my thing with Kyle from her, but she would know what to do. And if not, she had a knack for putting things into perspective. That was what I needed, someone able to think clearly for me. Because my vagina controlled my body, but my heart had no idea how to control my mind. I couldn’t fault it. The thing had one experience in my lifetime, and it barely survived. So, how could I expect it to know what to do now?
I waited for a respectable hour, which was torture, and reluctantly dialed her cell. “Hey, V. What’s wrong, why are you up so early?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I ended up in bed fairly early last night. Flying is exhausting.”
“Yeah, about that. I loved finding out via a text from you that you were in California with Kyle to help him find a spokesmodel. Is there something going on between you guys that you aren’t telling me? Are you two seeing each other?”
“It’s not like that, Brae. We’ve had sex a few times, but that’s it,” I lied and hated that I did. “California was impulsive and dumb. I helped him at work, and he seems to think I have an intuition for his business. Stupid if you ask me, but at least I got to see parts of California.”
She must have detected a hidden tone in my few words when she changed the subject. “How are you? I miss you.” My friend, always so cheerful now that she found love. A teeny, tiny part of me was jealous. “You sound stressed, and you need to destress. Yoga would do wonders for that, V. You should have been there yesterday. It was probably the best class we ever took.”
“Yes, I heard. Did it have anything to do with the fact that the yogi was well hung?”
“No comment.” She lowered her voice and added, “That’s our secret or the next yoga class we get kicked out of is at Jude’s hand and not yours. Got it?”
“Holy hell. So, it’s true, my love-sick friend was ogling the yogi. Shit, I regret skipping it.”
“V. He’s hot! Plus, I’m married, not dead.” Brae’s giggle started to make me feel better. “Um... so, yeah, Cass stumbled all over herself. It was adorable to watch. Hold on, V.” I wondered why she spoke in code until I realized she put her hand over the microphone on her cell. Although their voices were muffled, I could still hear her husband making suggestive comments mixed with the unmistakable sound of kissing. “Sorry. Jude is heading out to meet the guys at the gym.” After a short pause, she then said, “That was close. I had no idea he was behind me. So, what are you up to today?”
At the mention of the guys, I desperately wanted to blurt out everything that went on with Kyle. Instead, I said, “Not much.”
“Seriously, are you okay, V? I’m worried about you.”
Now is your chance. Just ask her already, spit it out, and get her opinion!
But again, instead of opening up I clammed up and said, “I’m okay. Being in California reminded me how much I hate my job, that’s all. I just called to say hello. Love you, Brae. Say hi to Mr. Right.” I hung up before my friend could force me to open up… which was the point of my phone call before I chickened out.
I hugged my knees, occupying a single couch cushion, as I stared blankly at the television. Three consecutive knocks on my door brought me out of my haze.
“Coming.” Truth be told, my heart rate increased thinking maybe it was Kyle. But when I pulled the door open, my three best friends stood in front of me with big smiles, coffees, and a bag.
“Hi, I hope we’re not intruding.” Brae kissed me on the cheek as she walked into my living room.
Des and Cassie followed and before I knew it, my small table was covered in bagels and spreads, plus of course, fresh fruit courtesy of Brae.
“What’s all this?” Cass and I sat on my couch while Brae and Des each sat in a chair at the opposite ends.
Cassie handed me a cup of coffee and glanced at my two other friends who were waiting for someone to say something.
Brae’s eyes darted between the three of us. “Fine, I’ll say it. It’s an intervention.” Her eyes cut to me. “You’re in a funk. We’re here to help. First thing is getting you a new job.” She pulled her iPad out of her bag and fired up a career site. “We’ll plug in your qualifications and apply for some jobs. Before you know it, you’ll be out from under your asshole boss.”
“Can we not do this? I’d rather work for a dickhead I know than take a chance on someone worse. Who knows what I could get myself into.”
“Maybe you should tell her it’s not your job… this time,” Des quipped.
Brae stopped punching at the screen on her lap. “Then I’m confused. When you called me this morning it sounded as though you had something to tell me. I assumed it was your typical Sunday-bad-mood because you need to go to work the next day. But, if it isn’t work then what is it? Did something happen in California? Did Kyle hurt you? Oh my God, I’ll kill him.”
Great. How did I admit that he did hurt me, but not in the traditional way they would assume. More in the way he was so wonderful he broke all my rules.
Cassie and Des shared an all-knowing look while Brae’s eyes darted between the three of us. “Okay, someone care to tell me what the hell is going on? And don’t tell me nothing, because I know something is up.” With an intake of air, her hand went to her chest. “You’re not sick are you?”
“No, of course not!”
She let out a tense breath. “Thank God. Then what is it?”
Doing my best to avoid the interrogational stares my other two friends shot my way, I angled my body toward Brae’s. “First, promise me you won’t get mad at any of us.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “Why would I get mad?”
Rather than think too long, I blurted it out. “Truth is, I’ve been sleeping with Kyle. It wasn’t just a few times. Actually, we’re in an arrangement of sorts.” When Brae just stared at me, I continued. “After the wedding, we kind of agreed we’re good at having sex and wanted to keep doing so. For lack of a better term, we’re fuck buddies and have been since Halloween. Cass was the only one who knew because she was the only one who made it to brunch the next morning. If you both were there, I would have told you as well.”
“Wait,” she raised her hand, “do you mean to say, you have been sleeping together since my wedding? That wasn’t a one-time roll in the hay, pun intended?” When I shook my head, she added the question I didn’t want to deal with. “Do you have feelings for him?”
I sipped my coffee, refusing to answer her questions.
Brae leaned closer to put her hand on mine. “I’ll take that as a yes?”
“No, you can’t take it as anything. It’s not like that between us.”
All the while, Cassie sat back sipping her coffee and eating a bagel to avoid ratting me out.
“Then you need to explain this to me. I understand what fuck buddies are so please spare me those details. But, does this mean you two are exclusive?”
“It means we have rules and he keeps breaking them… and it’s messing with my head.”
“What rules?” Brae looked at the attorney in the room for clarification.
“Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t know any more than you do,” Des sounded off.
I drank more of my coffee, giving myself a moment as the hot liquid caffeine slid down my throat. “It doesn’t matter anyway because I think we’re done.”
“He didn’t!” Cassie snipped. “Was Luca right?”
“Wait, Luca knows?” Brae continued to try and put the pieces together.
I shook my head. “No, no one but Cassie knew.” After I explained to Brae what happened between me and Kyle in L.A. and after, in addition to what Luca said last night about Kyle fucking someone else, our rules, and last night’s phone call, she just shook her head. “What? Why the head shaking?”
“First, I can’t believe the two of you went this route. Jude and I knew this was inevitable. Then at the wedding, well, we all know what transpired in my family’s barn.” I blushed at the memory. That was a great night. “Second, I’ve gotten to know Kyle since I’ve been with Jude and he’s a really great guy, V. Yes, he can be a clown, but he’s genuine. It didn’t matter that they constantly tried to one-up each other’s pranks, those guys would do anything for one another. They’re like us—but with dicks.” Brae smiled and winked at me. “So, if you think that he might be someone special, then you should trust in that.”
My hand went up, palm facing outward. “Whoa… hold on. I never said he was someone special. I said we were having sex and had a disagreement.”
“Really?” Brae tilted her head. “Then why were you upset when you thought he was with someone else?”
“Because…” Damn, her. She raised a perfectly sculpted brow and waited. “Stop looking at me like that. As I said, we had an arrangement. If either of us wanted to have sex with someone else, we needed to say so—no hard feelings. Kyle has been breaking rules since we started and now it’s beginning to feel less like an arrangement and more like a relationship.”
“And that’s a problem, why?” Brae’s expression softened to match her voice. “If something wonderful develops out of this fucked up arrangement, why would that be so bad?”
“Because, true love only comes around once.” The words tumbled out of me without warning. They all looked at me as if I had three heads. “I had my chance,” I whispered. I needed to get it out once and for all. I needed to put on my big girl panties and brace myself for the pain that came when I went down this road. I dragged in a deep breath and released it through pursed lips. “His name was Robert, we fell in love, and someone else stole him from me.”
The girls were stunned silent. This was the first time I ever mentioned him to anyone since he died nine years ago.
Desiree asked, “You mean to tell me because this guy cheated you’re giving up on love?”
I slowly shook my head as the tears welled. My chest constricted, the memory of the day he was killed slamming into my heart. Years of suppressed agony came to the surface, and the pain I felt back then returned full force.
“He didn’t cheat,” I croaked out. “Robert was a wonderful guy, my prince. We met our freshman year in college. It didn’t take long to know we were soul mates.” I smiled at the memory through my tears. “He told me the day we met that we were going to be married one day. Of course, I laughed at him but somehow deep down I knew he was right. We spent every free moment with each other. We even scheduled our classes to make sure we could see one another as much as possible.”
My voice hitched through a sob. “Then my world fell apart. It was right before final exams sophomore year. We were supposed to meet in the library, but he never showed. When I went to his dorm, police officers were there, and I knew.” The ache in my chest intensified. “One of Robert’s roommates looked at me with red-rimmed eyes and gave me the news that Robert was killed in a car accident. Someone ran a red light and hit the driver’s side of Robert’s car. According to the police report, he died on impact.”
Tears were now freely flowing down all of our faces. “When I went to the funeral, I never thought it could get worse until I saw his poor mother. She fell to her knees in front of his casket and wailed. I’d never experienced such raw pain in my entire life. Until I woke up the next morning and realized it wasn’t a nightmare but reality.
“Each day that I walked around campus I would look for him, refusing to believe that he was gone. From then on, so was my heart. That’s why I can’t have feelings for someone. I’ll never survive that type of agony again.”
The four of us sat in silence for several minutes. My friends cried for me, and I cried for Robert and what could have been.
“So, now you know why. I’m not the commitment-phobe I had you all believe, and it’s not that I want to be alone… but all I can offer and accept are casual relationships. What I had going with Kyle was perfect until he started plaguing my thoughts when we weren’t together. And then we had such a great time in California, until he tried to force me to feel our connection, by saying things he shouldn’t have.”
“Does he love you?” Cassie, our hopeless romantic, asked.
“It doesn’t matter. No one knows better than I do that you can lose everything at a drop of a dime. All the dreams I shared with Robert, the places we wanted to travel to, marriage, kids, vanished the day he died. And I can’t even get my life together to do all those things to honor our plans. I’m stuck in every way a person can be.”
Brae came over and sat on my other side. “V, maybe Kyle is meant to be the one to finally push you along. Don’t you think Robert would want this for you?”
I couldn’t speak as I continued to cry. Brae’s arms came around me, and before I knew it Cassie and Des were doing the same. Our group hug was filled with tears that substituted so many of my unspoken words.