Chapter 20
Kyle
Imagine if I had admitted what I really wanted to?
Imagine if I came right out and said I was falling for her?
Because, by just saying that she was the only woman I saw, based on her expression, you would’ve thought that I admitted to fucking every female in Los Angeles.
She sat across from me shaking her head in denial. “What, Nessa?”
“Kyle. Let’s not ruin our time.”
I released her hand and replaced it with my wine, drinking half it of it in one large gulp. Before I could even formulate any response other than, “are you fucking kidding me right now, Nessa?”—our meals appeared. That ended the conversation, that ended my confession of sorts, that ended anything to do with feelings.
The rest of our dinner went by benignly, filled with idle chitchat of the things we saw during our stay and nothing else. She even stayed away from the topic of all the amazing sex we had. Like somehow it meant more than just sex, which of course to me it did.
Clearly, I was way off the mark.
It wasn’t until we were back in our suite and getting undressed when she said, “I’m sorry.”
Stopping on the fourth button of my shirt, I stared at her before asking, “For?” I knew damn well what she was sorry for, but the prick in me needed to hear her say it.
“You paid me an amazing compliment, Kyle. I’m sorry I freaked out over it.” In spite of her words, she still had the same bewildered look on her face as she had earlier.
Unable to speak, I walked around the bed to where she stood and pulled her into my arms. This complicated woman was out of her element. Baby steps, I reminded myself. It had to have taken a lot for her to even offer an apology. If small doses were the way to turn her around, then my scientific background prepared me to have the patience I needed.
“Forgive me?” she asked, her face resting against my partially opened shirt.
I pulled away with a devious smile. “Well, you’ll have to make it up to me somehow. I’m not that easy of a pushover.”
“I beg to differ, but okay. If payment of some form is required, then I’m game.” Her fingers resumed unbuttoning my shirt where I had left off. “Of course, you owe me an apology as well.”
“Is that so?” I reached behind her and found the zipper of her dress. Her fingers paused at my waistband when I slowly slid it down its entire length. “What do I need to be sorry about?” I continued, just as I pushed her dress down her body to allow it to pool at her feet. Offering her my hand, I took one pace backward. She placed her hand in mine, moving toward me after she stepped out of the dress.
“The romantic dinner.” A perfectly sculpted brow lifted in challenge. “Did you think I didn’t realize you chose the most romantic restaurant in Los Angeles tonight?”
“Was it?” My hands roamed over her smooth skin, and I followed with my lips. Starting at the silky spot under her ear, I sucked and nipped before adding, “I really didn’t notice. The food was good though.” I paused long enough to place a few more kisses on her. “Not as delicious as you are. On that note…” I lifted and placed her in the center of the bed. In just her black strapless bra and panties, my cock struggled against the fabric that confined him. Our eyes locked while I removed my shirt and remained that way when I unbuttoned and unzipped my pants.
She sat up and reached behind her back. “No,” I said with a firm shake of my head. “Don’t move.” On my command, she reclined back, leaning on her elbows, and remained perfectly still.
Gorgeous green eyes remained focused on me as I removed my pants and then each sock. Like a lion with his prey, she licked her lips when I lost my boxers. The way she looked at my naked body propelled my excitement within seconds. I hadn’t even touched her yet, or she me, yet I was hard as stone because of the look in her eyes. I could see right through to her soul. And whether she’d admit it or not, based on that look, I knew she felt the same.
At that moment, I needed her more than I ever had. Maybe to negate her behavior at dinner, or maybe validation of how great we were together was what I was searching for. In either case, the desperation to feel every inch of her surrounding me became more important than my next breath.
I climbed on the bed beside her. I couldn’t stand waiting any longer. Digging one hand into her hair and sliding the other between her panties and her ass, I pulled her body over mine. In slow motion, I initiated a kiss like no other we shared.
Kissing really wasn’t our thing. We did it often, but never for a purpose. With this kiss it was important that she felt her universe shift ever so slightly. This kiss needed to become a force in its own right, and not just foreplay.
The warm skin of her belly pressed up against my abs. Our legs entwined, our hands didn’t know where to touch first. Yet throughout, as our bodies tried to fuse, the kiss never faltered… until I pulled away.
Her eyes were wild for more. And I would resume soon. After I got her naked. My hands smoothly released the back clasp of her bra. I pulled the fabric around to her front and dropped it to cup a breast in each hand. Goose bumps riddled her flesh when I sucked on her neck while rubbing her nipples with the palms of my hands.
For the first time since being with Vanessa, I wouldn’t rely on anything other than our connection to blow her mind.
I rolled us into the missionary position, and the next to go were her panties. As I dragged them over the curve of her ass and down her magnificent legs, I followed their path with my mouth. She lay before me naked in every sense of the word. There wasn’t dirty talk, suggestive innuendos, or even promises of things to come.
Reversing back up her body, once face to face I resumed our kiss. With our lips communicating in a profound way, I slid into her and stilled. She held my head firmly as we devoured each other’s mouths. I felt her inner thighs gripping my hips, her heels pressing into my ass. She even went as far as whimpering to get me to move faster.
I pulled away far enough to stare into her eyes, and with our gazes tethered, I made love to Vanessa. For a few moments, I felt her responding in the way I needed her to. Long minutes passed, the magnetic energy between us doubled in intensity. Until she broke the connection.
Looking over my shoulder, she drifted off, suddenly feeling a million miles away. I needed her to come back to our moment. With my hand, I gently held her cheek waiting for her eyes to meet mine. But when they did, the look we shared just minutes ago was different.
Words I needed to say lodged in my throat, and I found it almost impossible to breathe. No words were spoken. Instead, in the silence so much had been said. Combined with the glistening in her beautiful eyes, it felt like a good-bye.
The day felt a lifetime long. By the time we dragged ourselves into her apartment, the seed of tension that sprouted the night before had become a dense forest.
Every, are you okay was met with, I’m fine.
Every, what’s wrong was met with, nothing.
I couldn’t compete with whatever consumed her, especially if she wasn’t going to open up and tell me what it was. Nor could I force her to do so. I could, however, do my part to help her understand where I was coming from. And maybe, it would be enough to break down the wall she carefully built around her heart.
My eyes tracked her moving around her place busying herself with nonsense. It wasn’t ten minutes before I finally cracked. “Can we talk?”
She looked up from the pile of mail she had been flipping through. “Sure.”
Stepping to where she stood, I removed an envelope from her hands. “Nessa, the time we spent together in California was the best time I’ve ever had in my life. Going in, we had clear expectations on what we wanted this arrangement to be. But somewhere along the line, and I can’t even say it was in California, things changed for me. There were moments here and there that made me want more of them. There were times when apart that made me want you by my side. So many times I’d laugh over something and make a mental note to tell you about it. And when I would, you’d find it just as funny as I did. All those tiny flecks of feelings somehow converged and overruled my original motives for wanting to be with you.” I took her face in my hands, the words I’d been dying to say for days now no longer clogged in my throat. “Vanessa Monroe, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“No.” She shook her head vehemently, breaking away from my hold. “You can’t be falling for me, Kyle. That’s not what I agreed to.”
“You can’t tell me how to feel, Vanessa.” Her eyes widened, watered, and then narrowed. “You need to let this happen.” My heart felt as though it was ready to burst through my ribcage.
She stepped away, turning her back to me. “You need to go.”
Vanessa
“Nessa.” When I didn’t turn around, he forced me to. “Why are you fighting this?” His crystal blue eyes scanned my face, waiting for me to answer.
What did he expect me to say? Why? Because this wasn’t part of the agreement. Since day one I’d been the gatekeeper to this unorthodox arrangement we had between us. And there was a reason for it. What he was forcing me to feel, to admit, to accept was the reason I fought it.
Every single thing I tried to avoid came to fruition. This person I sort of morphed into since meeting Kyle was not the happy-go-lucky Vanessa I worked so hard perfecting for years. Normally nothing fazed me, nothing ruffled my feathers.
And then he came along.
Kyle made me feel things I had no business feeling, and I couldn’t allow that.
He was fucking with my mind. I shouldn’t have him and only him on my mind. The last time that happened, my world imploded around me. I absolutely couldn’t handle that kind of heartbreak again.
“Jesus, Nessa. What the hell?” My silence caused him to lose his patience with me. “I can’t keep up with your moods.” He advanced, forcing me to step back until my lower back hit the countertop behind me. With his face an inch from mine, he trapped me between his arms as he gripped the edge of the Formica.
“Let me ask you a question.” I needed to drive this conversation to prove my ambivalence. “Do you believe in soul mates?”
“I didn’t, until now.” Through his gorgeous blue eyes, I could see the honesty behind his statement.
“Giving your entire heart to one person is a huge risk.” And one I didn’t want to ever take again. His eyes remained pinned to mine, forcing me to add, “What if we all get just one chance at it, and for whatever reason it doesn’t work out?”
He rubbed his jaw with his hand. “One chance at finding your soul mate?”
“Yeah, just one,” I said, sounding desperate. “Once you find the right formula, the one that works better than all others you’ve tried, and you wake up one day and it’s gone, then what?”
“You try again.” His head tilted a bit to the side. “You mean to tell me you wouldn’t? So, if I created a perfume that I thought was perfect, I shouldn’t try again because I thought I had it right the first time?” I offered a shrug. “That’s ridiculous, Nessa. On the flip side, if you don’t find perfection the first time, you keep trying. You can’t give up because it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Hell, if I did that I wouldn’t even have a business.”
His words hit me with a dull ache in my heart. There wouldn’t be a next time for me. No one could or would convince me otherwise. Insisting to get my point across, I shook my head in disagreement. “What I’m saying is, once you find the right formula that you think is best, that should be it.”
“You’re wrong. Life is about chances and in order to live it, you need to learn to take them. Did you find the perfect formula for yourself, Nessa? Is this…” He gestured between us with a long pause. “This works for you?” Kyle’s eyes penetrated mine as if they were searching for a clue or a hint of what I felt. “Please communicate.” When I didn’t offer any guidance, he tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants and sighed. “What is it that you want, Vanessa?” Again he waited patiently for me to continue.
“Space,” I blurted out. I finally found the nerve to say what I wanted to. In a much softer tone, I did even more damage by adding, “You’re suffocating me. I need space, Kyle.”
“Suffocating?” All emotion drained from his face. Instantly, I regretted my choice of words. It wasn’t him who was suffocating me, more so the emotions he forced me to feel. But the words were out there, and I couldn’t take them back. Based on the tension in his jaw, the damage was done. He stood glaring, not making it easy on me. “I’m suffocating you?”
“Yes.”
We once again locked gazes in a battle of wills. He blinked his eyes, nodded his head once, and turned to leave. Every fiber of my being wanted to grab his arm and explain more, but I had nothing left. As it was, I felt like an open book. Instead, I watched him walk away. He draped his jacket over his arm and grabbed the handle of his suitcase with his free hand. Right before he pulled my door open he turned to look at me. “If space is what you want, it’s yours. I’ll see you around.”
The gentle click of my door sounded like a loud slam. I wanted him to go… no, I needed him to go. Yet, it felt as though he took a piece of my heart with him when he left.
For the longest time, I just stood staring at that door. I was the one responsible for the change in atmosphere. Drama wasn’t my thing, ever. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel I overreacted whenever he crossed that invisible line I drew in the sand.