Chapter 24
Vanessa
I shouldn’t have been surprised that the last few days had been pure hell. Whenever my asshole boss came back from a trip, he was the devil incarnate. Add to the mix the fact I lied about having the flu last week while in California, and his behavior made Lucifer seem like a saint.
For a good part of his first morning back, he berated me on all the things he expected done that weren’t. In my defense, even if I hadn’t gone to California, there would be no way I could have made a dent in his to-do list.
The part that had surprised me these past few days was my constant state of depression. It lingered after I left the office, and through the night, until I started the pattern all over again the next day. A few months ago, as miserable as I’d been at work, I could always count on leaving it all in the office the minute I walked out. Sure, I’d joke, bitch, and moan to my friends over and over how much I hated my job. But being out with them was an instant elixir for my ire. Even if I just hung out in my apartment, no matter what I did after work it never failed to lighten my mood.
My methods were no longer working. I suspected it had to do with a sexy Canadian.
The girls were sure to check in on me frequently. By Wednesday, it became obvious they must have concocted some sort of schedule. The morning call came from Brae as she made her way to work. Cassie always checked in during her recess period. And Des had the honors in the evening as she finally dragged her ass home from work.
I really couldn’t blame them for their concern, having dropped such an emotional bomb on them as I had. Although I appreciated their support, the whole thing exhausted me. My mind wouldn’t shut down between all the memories with Robert fighting for space with the ones I had shared with Kyle. Remembering how we started the weekend of Brae and Jude’s wedding brought a smile to my face. The ache of wanting to go back to that time, when it had been so easy and carefree between us, overrode the joy.
Every night I stayed up later than I should have. In my subconscious, I stretched out the inevitable. Going to bed to do it all over again the next day forced a dread to consume me.
Normally, on a Wednesday night, I’d be celebrating Hump Day at happy hour. Comically, while in my pajamas at seven p.m., I settled in to begin watching a Friends marathon that would go on for hours, and during which I couldn’t promise I’d remember what episodes aired.
When my cell rang, I was so engrossed in my own thoughts, I startled from the sound. “Hey, Brae. What’s up? It’s not your scheduled time to check in on the wacko once known as Vanessa Monroe. Des’s obligatory call is due next.”
A short pause led to a giggle. “Okay, so you’re on to us. We’re just worried about you, V.”
“I know. I’m teasing, and I love that you guys worry about me. I’m fine, though. Really. I’ll find another job soon.” Even as I said the words, I knew, and I knew she knew, my mood wasn’t all about my job.
“You’re lying,” she responded predictably. “Really nothing has changed at work. Let’s not kid ourselves, V. It’s okay to admit you miss him. What’s not okay is sitting at home day after day denying that you do. You haven’t been out all week.”
“Neither have you,” I interrupted.
“My reasons are way different than yours.” This was true. Her hot Swede liked her home as much as she’d allow. The fact that Brae actually obeyed meant she was equally addicted to Jude as he was to her. “So, here’s the deal. Friday night, Jude is getting the boot. It’s time for one of our all-night-girls-only-get-togethers. The works.”
“We haven’t had one of those since…” I actually couldn’t remember the last time the four of us pulled a Sex and the City kind of night.
“Exactly. You can’t remember either,” she quipped. “Even Des couldn’t remember when we last had one, and the woman’s memory is like an elephant’s. I know it’s all my fault, but that changes Friday. Be here at seven.”
I thought of Jude’s place and the luxury. That alone made me eager to accept. None of our apartments came close to what he had going on in his high-rise haven. A visual of me in his Jacuzzi sealed the deal.
“I’ll be there. Just one condition, there will be no discussing my pathetic life.”
“We can’t promise that. It is the reason we need this.” I was about to argue when she said, “How’s this? We have one hour to say what we want to say, and then no more mentioning your job, or Kyle, or anything that involves the two. Deal?”
“One hour? I can handle that. Deal.”
I’d only been there a few times, yet the doorman at Jude’s place no longer stopped me. Kyle wasn’t the only one to corner the flirting market. I gave a half-hearted wave and headed for the elevators. Preparing for my cell to ring any minute asking where the hell I was, I rapidly pushed the floor indicator circle a few times as if that would shave twenty minutes off my arrival time.
The minute Jude answered the door with his trademark smirk, I knew something was up. Girls’ night, my ass. There was no doubt they were staging another intervention.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, my tone much harsher than was necessary.
“I live here.” He quirked a brow and winked. “Come on in. She’s been pacing.”
“When I get through with her, she’ll be running.”
“Over my dead body. Leave my wife alone,” he said, moving aside to allow me access.
Ignoring him, I yelled, “Brae!” I barged into the living room like a bat out of hell.
Brae was nowhere in sight, but Kyle looked like he was expecting me. Our eyes connected, and I had to force my legs to lock otherwise I would have run to him like the woman in the condom commercials on T.V.
“Oh, hey, V.” Before I even had my coat off, Brae appeared and handed me a glass of white wine with a grin on her face. “You’re late,” she had the nerve to add.
“Seriously? What the hell, Brae? You lied.”
“A lie to help a friend is forgiven.”
“Says who?”
“Me… and Des and Cass. We’re all in agreement.” She waggled a finger between me and Kyle. “You two need to talk, and there was no other way to get you to.”
Jude appeared with her coat and bag. After he helped her into it, she leaned up and kissed his mouth. “Thanks, baby.” The intimacy between them made me want to spit nails for so many reasons.
Still holding my wine, I fisted my hip. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“To go grab dinner,” she said as if it were obvious. “Your dinner is on the kitchen island, so help yourselves. Have fun, kids.”
The lovebirds walked out of their own apartment, and all I could do was stand there and gawk. Something between fury and disbelief caused the fist on my hip to clench. As if having a mind of its own, my other hand lifted to my mouth, enabling it to take a large gulp of the wine.
“Don’t be mad at her. She’s just trying to help.” My eyes cut to where he was now standing instead of sitting.
“You knew about this?” His curt nod spoke volumes. He looked so dejected, my heart hurt.
“Yes. I tried to tell her to let you be, but she wouldn’t listen.” He still wore his white dress shirt from work, opened at the collar with both sleeves rolled up to reveal those arms that I loved so much. His black slacks fit him perfectly from waist to feet. The way they creased over his black leather loafers was weirdly sexy as hell. When he lifted his right hand and dragged it through his hair, I remembered how that hand felt when he finger-fucked me.
I couldn’t start breaking down all the parts of him I missed or this night would take a dangerous turn. “Kyle…”
“Look,” he cut me off, “I know you don’t want to be here. And I’m not going to force anything to happen, it’s not how I roll. For some reason, Brae seems to think we have unspoken business between us. She wouldn’t divulge what it was, claiming it wasn’t her story to tell. But if that’s what it’ll take to get some closure, then I think we should indulge her. I also think you owe me that.”
It wasn’t fair to push him away without explaining myself. Resigned that he was right, and so was Brae, I said, “Fine. Let’s talk.”
He watched as I placed the wine down and removed my coat, tossing it on one of the club chairs in the corner. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for me to sit on the couch beside him. Instead of sitting, I stared at the space. It was too close for comfort, and there were at least ten other places to sit in the room. At my hesitation, he sat first, leaving a long stretch of couch for me to choose from.
Slowly, I moved toward him and sat a few feet away. The black leather separating us seemed ridiculous. I’d done all sorts of lewd things with this man and chastised myself for appearing like a bitch. The fact was, I wasn’t a bitch. I was a woman tormented between my past experience with love and a new one that was now knocking at my door… a door I had dead-bolted shut years ago.
It didn’t matter what my justifications were for my behavior. If he wasn’t told otherwise, the label of bitch was deserved.
He bridged the gap moving closer and laid his arm along the back of the couch. I hoped he didn’t touch me because I couldn’t guarantee that wouldn’t cause me to catapult into his arms. “Have you been okay this week?”
I remained sitting with both legs pressed together. I could feel his gaze on my profile at the same time as a lump formed in my throat. Swallowing past it, I shook my head. “No, not really.”
“I know he probably gave you hell for taking off last week. I’m sorry, Nessa. I feel responsible for that.” Guilt added to the mix of emotional bullshit that swirled within me. This wasn’t his fault as much as it was Robert’s fault for dying. “But to cut off your friends and sulk every night in your apartment is not the answer.” I should have been pissed at my traitorous friends, but the anger wouldn’t surface.
Brae’s comment that my behavior had little to do with my job rang true in my mind. She was right in that nothing had really changed at work. It was time to come clean and let Kyle in on my atypical behavior. “Kyle, this isn’t about my job.” I turned, mimicking his posture, bringing our knees a few inches apart. “It’s about you.”
My words caused genuine confusion to alter his features. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Nessa, you asked for space, and I gave it to you.”
“You have, physically at least.” I could tell his wheels were turning with tons of questions, but he remained silent. Reluctantly, I pulled in a huge breath and released it like a professional yogi would. “Kyle, I wasn’t prepared for you to crash into my life as you have. And I’m sure you’re thinking I’m just a cold-hearted bitch who is afraid of commitment.” This time his silence caused me to laugh. “I don’t think you’re a cold-hearted bitch, Nessa,” I said in a deep masculine voice with a stern expression on my face.
It was his turn to laugh. “I don’t think that… not the cold-hearted part at least. I believe you have a kind heart.”
“Um… gee thanks?” Again, he chuckled and shrugged. “Well, I apologize for making you think I was a kind-hearted bitch, but really that wasn’t my intention. The truth is, I have no clue how to navigate the feelings you managed to dig out of the concrete that formed around my heart. Nor do I have any idea what to do with these feelings now that you brought them to the surface.”
“What kind of feelings?”
“You know damn well what kind, Kyle.” Regardless of my accusation, he didn’t budge in helping me out at all. Annoyingly, he continued to sit and stare. “Look, I’m not conceding that I’m okay with feeling them. I do apologize for how I handled things when you opened up to me. That was really shitty, and I’m sorry. But, I can’t go down this road again. Nor can I believe I’d somehow survive a second round of heartbreak.”
He moved closer and took my hand. “Vanessa, I’d never hurt you. I don’t know who did, and if you aren’t ready to tell me now, then I hope someday you can. But I’d never intentionally break your heart.”
“I know that, Kyle. That’s exactly the problem.”
“I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what you mean,” he said, frustration lacing every word out of his mouth, every expression on his face.
Lifting my free hand, I gripped my forehead, trying to lessen the pounding that began between my temples. When I dropped my hand and looked into his eyes, their sky blue depths forced me to choke back a sob. “My heart wasn’t broken because someone intentionally hurt me. It was broken because my boyfriend, Robert, died. Without warning, in the prime of his life, he just left me to live without him while trying to glue together the fragments of my shattered heart.”
Kyle’s mouth gaped open in shock. With that one statement, all the pieces of the puzzle in Kyle’s mind merged to reveal the whole picture. The tears surfaced as they always did when I spoke of Robert. Kyle used his other hand to gently wipe one away. Apparently, that contact wasn’t enough for him when he suddenly gripped my upper arms and pulled me onto his lap.
The way he soothed me as I cried made it worse. This man killed me with his affections, and his love, almost as much as losing Robert had.
“Baby, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that heartbreak. I wish I could undo what you’ve been through. But the selfish prick in me would have to admit you wouldn’t be in my life if you hadn’t had to endure that horrific event.” He moved back enough to grip my chin and lift my head. Once he had my attention, he softened his voice. “Things happen for a reason, Vanessa. I’m not suggesting Robert had to die for you to find happiness. What I’m saying is, maybe this is the universe telling you it’s time to be happy again?”
I couldn’t speak, not one word could find its way out of the sobs racking my body. It all felt cathartic in a heart-wrenching way. He gently placed his lips on mine, just once. When he pulled away, he palmed my face. “Before you, I didn’t believe in soul mates. The day Jude married Brae, even seeing them so in love and so wrapped around each other, I was still skeptical. I couldn’t relate, but now I get it. I know I was meant to meet you and feel I was destined to be with you. I love you, Vanessa. Let me.”
The way he stared into my eyes combined with his no bullshit declaration was hard to combat against. The fight, the need to push him away, left me like a spirit leaving a body. In that moment, I knew I lost my self-imposed battle. All I had feared for all those years, experiencing the crushing pain deep in my heart, seemed insignificant now.
It should have all terrified me because if I were to lose him, my sorrow would no doubt end me a second time around. Yet, as much as I never wanted to go through such heartbreak again, having this man beside me, confessing his love for me, made me realize something. Not having Kyle Cleary in my life from that day on would be worse than what I had already endured. I needed him, and in that moment I knew I couldn’t live without him.
“You know what else, Vanessa?” He caught the tears that silently rolled down my face. With a warm smile that lit up those beautiful eyes, he nodded and said, “I believe you love me, too.”
I couldn’t argue with that. He was absolutely right.