Chapter 23
Kyle
When Luca called and said to meet him and Jude at the gym, I jumped at the opportunity for a distraction. It’d been a while since the three of us hung out. Funny thing with guys, it didn’t matter how long since we saw each other, we always fell right back in sync.
After almost an hour, the ball-busting between Jude and Luca, the sound of cast iron hitting against the weight stack on various machines, and the burning in my muscles did nothing to clear my head. Normally, going to the gym would settle my mind. But today with each rep, I’d see Vanessa’s face and hear that damn word, “space.”
All night long I thought about our phone call. I knew women were confusing creatures, but Vanessa took the cake in that department. How everything got so fucked up in a short amount of time was beyond me. The woman I met several months ago wasn’t the same woman who I spoke to last night.
It was all so messed up and most definitely validated the argument that love truly did suck.
Jude and I switched places, putting me behind the weight bench to spot him. The man was the happiest he’d ever been, and I was jealous. He and Brae made it look so damn easy. I knew it wasn’t, especially when they had just met. Jude admitted Brae could barely stand being in the same room with him, never mind sharing the same bed when they were forced to live as a couple. That thought gave me hope Vanessa and I were ahead of the game—A, we weren’t forced to be together, and B, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. That had to mean something, right?
The positive vanished once I remembered being accused of suffocating her, and all my hope flew out the window with it.
Then there was my friend, Luca, who I was equally jealous of. He seemed perfectly content with his life, lifting his free weights without a care in the world. No woman to drive him nuts, like my woman. Pfft, my woman. What the fuck?
I knew enough about the opposite sex to know her behavior wasn’t normal. The irony that she needed space was most definitely something I could relate to. I’d been there.
“So, the little woman let you out today?” Luca said with a smirk. “Where’s your leash, Soren, in your locker?”
“Fuck you, asshole.” Luca let out a grunt-filled laugh as Jude nodded with a shit-eating grin on his face. “You’re just jealous of my life.”
“You’re onto me, Soren.” The look of complete sincerity on Luca’s face lasted about three seconds before he cracked up.
“Fuck you,” Jude repeated. After a few more sets, with the bar still lying across his chest, he announced, “Okay, I’m done.”
“Done? It’s been barely an hour. When was the last time you worked out?”
While lying on his back, Jude twisted his head to look at Luca. “With my wife this morning. And I’d still be working out with her, and not you two idiots, if she didn’t have to run to Vanessa’s for some kind of pow-wow.”
No doubt discussing me.
“Not true. I asked you here before Brae and the girls decided to go to Vanessa’s.”
Jude sat up after I helped him set the bar back on the rack. “How the fuck do you know that?”
“Cassie told me.” Luca shrugged and continued his reps.
“Cassie? Are you and Cass…”
“No!” Luca immediately ended Jude’s sentence. “We’re friends. She’s cool and easy to talk to. We talk about you guys all the time, especially Cleary.”
I barely listened when they both focused on me. “No snide comment? Are you okay, man?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You’re not your sarcastic self.”
“I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Was California not what you hoped it’d be?” Jude stared me down while wiping his neck with a hand towel. “Did my office staff accommodate you to your liking?”
“Yeah, they were great. I hired Bailey, so success all around.” Part of me was just about to blurt out every other damn detail of my trip. Instead, I paused, debating if I should go down that road. Then I considered what he had going with Brae, and that pang of envy again hit me square in the chest.
In spite of Jude’s manwhore history, he had to be doing something right. In fact, if someone like him could go from zero to sixty in the relationship department, maybe he could share the knowledge? So—I went for it. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Depends on the question,” Jude said with a shrug. “I don’t kiss and tell.” When I sat on an adjacent bench with a heavy sigh, he frowned. “Jesus. Again, no comeback?”
Luca froze mid-lift, picking up on Jude’s vibe. “What’s wrong, Cleary? Did you knock someone up?”
“No, I didn’t knock someone up.” Although the thought did opposite what it should have. I turned my attention back to Jude. “With Brae, did you just… know?”
“Know? What, that I couldn’t live without her?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, no. She hated me, and because of it I enjoyed busting her chops. Our relationship was a slow build.” He looked at me like I had three heads. “Wait, why?”
“This is gonna be good.” Luca dropped his weights into their holders, and then sat on the floor between us. The ass looked like all he needed was popcorn for this drama.
“Okay, there’s something I haven’t told you guys. Vanessa and I have been…”
“Fucking,” they both blurted out at the same time.
“Tell us something we don’t know,” Jude added. “You must think we’re idiots.”
“We’re not just fucking, not anymore at least. She was with me in California. We had a great time until the last day. Once we got home we fought.”
Luca raised a finger and announced, “Ah. That explains your mood on Saturday night, and hers. What did you fight about?”
“Um… we kind of started this whole thing as nothing more than just fuck buddies. But I…” The words stuck in my throat like a glob of peanut butter. Fuck, why was this so hard? Maybe because by saying it out loud it made it more real, more official. I didn’t care what these clowns thought of me. But admitting it to them, and then having to admit that we were already through before we started, wasn’t appealing.
“Dude, you look like you’re about to be sick.” My eyes cut to Luca’s again. “Spit it out.”
“I think I fell in love with her.” Instantly, their eyes widened at my admission.
“Fuck. Seriously? Does she know?” Luca couldn’t hide the shock in his voice.
“She does now.” Two guys came by yapping about the ass on some woman using the elliptical. Once they were out of earshot, I continued. “She didn’t take it so well.” At their confused expressions, I added, “She wants space. Do I give it to her? If I cared, which I do, shouldn’t I walk away? I just want her to be happy. I’d like it to be with me, but if not, then so be it.”
Truth was, my heart wasn’t on board with the second part of my statement. That’s how I knew this wasn’t just lust, sex, or a passionate affair. My heart never piped in its opinion before now, and it was hard to tell it to shut up.
When I glanced at Luca, it was obvious he was clearly out of his element. “Don’t look at me.” He raised a palm and motioned to Jude. “He’s the one that found love.”
“It’s not like panhandling for gold, Benedetto.” Jude sighed impatiently. If I didn’t feel like shit, I’d laugh over the fact that suddenly the man, who wanted nothing to do with finding love, was now the guru among us regarding soul mates. “There’s no warning. And once it hits you, there’s no turning back. If you think you’ve fallen, you already have. Love is black and white, you are or you’re not. I learned that the hard way. And if you believe you have fallen for her, then dude, you fight for her. It’s as simple as that.”
“It really isn’t as simple as that. The woman is anti-relationships. I have no idea why, and when we started this fucked up arrangement I was no different. Who had time for that? As it turns out, I was right. I haven’t been able to think of a damn thing other than her since getting home.”
“Been there,” Jude again offered his two cents. “Regardless, if she is someone you can’t imagine living without, you chase her—end of story.”
Being out of the lab for a week meant my Monday was crazy busy. Now that we hired Bailey, we fired on all cylinders to get paperwork signed, photoshoots rescheduled, Paris plans confirmed, and lawyers brought up to speed.
It wasn’t until two p.m. when I had five minutes to breathe. I walked into my office to shove a sandwich down my throat, and without warning I pictured Vanessa spread across my desk. Surprisingly, I hadn’t thought about her all day, but now that I had there was no turning the visuals off. One by one they popped into my head—how I took her in the barn, my office, on her bed, at the ice skating rink, and even in California—over and over I remembered every damn time we were together and ached for her.
After working out with the guys the day before, I spent a good part of my evening trying to analyze why she had such a hold on me. Sure, she was gorgeous… so what? I had plenty of beautiful women before her. Her personality was definitely part of the attraction, but there was something else that pulled me in. It felt like I had a fishhook firmly stuck in my chest and she controlled the reel.
I hadn’t spoken to her since Saturday, not that I expected to. Today would be her first day in the office after being off last week, and if I remembered correctly her boss was back tomorrow.
Arguing I wanted to be sure she was okay, I picked up my cell and held it in my hand. I meant it when I admitted to Jude I just wanted her to be happy, and if that meant respecting her wishes then that’s what I’d have to do. On that same note, I knew how miserable she was at work. I had the ability to change that.
Having her working for me could be, by far, the stupidest thing I’d ever do. Every day, being near her, while not being with her, was asking for a fuck-ton of trouble. Before I could change my mind, I opened my contacts and tapped her name. Apparently, I was a glutton for punishment.
She picked up on the third ring. “Hi,” she said hesitantly.
“Hi. How’s your day?”
“Awful.”
“I figured as much. The asshole comes back tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I feel sick.” In those few words I could hear her anguish. “It was so nice having him gone, and being out of here last week is just making me feel worse.” She only allowed a moment to pass before she quickly added, “That came out wrong. I meant, it was such a great trip, it’s hard to be back to reality.”
“I know what you meant.” It was time for me to pause, but mine was a hell of a lot longer than hers. “Um… listen. My offer to come work for me still stands, Nessa. I wanted to let you know that. Being that we’re no longer… well, the conflict of interest is gone. If you didn’t feel comfortable reporting to me, you can work for Frederick. He’s been bothering me for an apprentice for months now to lessen his workload. The position would be a great way for you to get your footing.” The silence over the phone was so deafening, I pulled it away to be sure the call hadn’t failed. “You still there?” I asked, even knowing she was.
“Yes. Kyle, that’s an amazing offer. And a few months ago I would have jumped on it, but now I think it would be too weird. I know I’ll regret that decision someday.”
“Just take time to think about it. You may change your mind.” When she didn’t respond, I prompted, “Okay?”
“Okay.” The ringing of a phone caused her to say, “Sorry. I have to go. Take care.”
“Yeah, you, too.”
A solid knock on the glass door of my office caught my attention. Frederick stood holding a box full of samples. “Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but you’re needed on five.”
“I’ll be right there.” I balled up the wax paper containing three quarters of my sandwich and dumped it into the trash. Snatching my phone, I halted from shoving it into my pocket and instead punched out a quick text.
Me: Please think about it.
No reply came, but I really didn’t expect one either.