CHAPTER 8
Lia
Two days later, I found myself wondering how I’d never known that Zeke was a pretty romantic guy.
Not in a sappy way, but in an I-want-you-to-remember-this-experience kind of way that touched my heart.
“I love it,” I murmured to him as I clutched at the pendant he’d just put around my neck, a medallion that was carved in white gold, and inspired by the Mayan calendar to remind me of the ruins we’d explored all day.
We’d come back to our suite and ordered room service, which hadn’t arrived yet. Zeke had wanted to give me my birthday present, even though it wouldn’t technically be my birthday until midnight.
The gorgeous pendant had been a surprise that had nearly left me speechless.
The last few days had been magical, everything a couple could want on a honeymoon. Well, minus the sex part.
Zeke was attentive and affectionate, but he hadn’t pushed for anything more than I wanted to give.
Truth was, I wanted to give him everything, and I knew that was dangerous.
This relationship is not permanent, which scares the hell out of me.
Every moment I spent with him was both heaven and hell. He made me happy, but I was terrified what would happen when it was over.
For me, every touch, every brush of our bodies, was too much to handle without wanting to beg him to fuck me, but his long-ago rejection still played in my mind.
I didn’t feel like things were make-believe anymore. We both wanted more, and I was convinced that Zeke wanted to explore something more intimate. And I really wanted to know what it would be like to be with him.
I wanted the experience without the danger, but those two things went hand-in-hand.
The sexual chemistry and the resulting tension had me on edge.
“Thank you for today,” I said as I turned around to face him.
“You mean you really enjoyed slugging around a bunch of ancient ruins?” he asked with a grin.
I smiled. “I did. I can’t explain it, but I could almost feel the souls of Maya there. Is that weird?”
He shook his head. “It’s a little eerie. But fascinating, too. They built great civilizations only to see them fall, and the culture die out. It’s pretty amazing to see relics of a society that existed so long ago.”
I nodded, knowing that Zeke understood my weird fascination. In fact, we’d always seemed to see history in the same way.
“So what’s on the schedule for tomorrow?” I was starting to look forward to experiencing something different every day.
“Whatever you want. This is your time. And tomorrow is your birthday.”
I put a hand on my hip. “I want you to enjoy it, too.”
“I have a confession to make,” he answered in a sincere, mesmerizing baritone. “There isn’t much I’m not going to like if we’re together.”
I melted from the heat in his eyes. “I’m willing to do just about anything.”
“There’s a catamaran trip I wanted to arrange so we could do some snorkeling.”
“I’d love that,” I replied excitedly. Honestly, I was good doing anything with Zeke, too, but getting into some great snorkeling waters was pretty appealing.
He nodded. “I’ll hook us up. And then we can go explore the town. I have an idea where we might be able to get some good Mexican food.”
We both loved Mexican cuisine, and we wanted something more authentic. “Sold!” I said with a laugh.
I watched his handsome expression change as he looked at me intently. “Do you know how good it sounds to hear you laugh?”
“Have I really been that bad?” I asked.
I’d been miserable with Stuart. Maybe I hadn’t realized just how much while I’d been stressing about the wedding. But over the last few days, it had hit me that I really had changed.
Being with Zeke made me happy, which was so opposite from how I’d felt when I was with Stuart.
Zeke and I loved just being together.
And I guess I’d forgotten how it felt to be with somebody who accepted me without criticism.
“You look happier,” Zeke replied.
Because I’m with you.
I sighed. “We were always like this when we were younger. I guess I just forgot what relaxation and fun was like.”
“That won’t happen again. I’ll be here to remind you.”
I sighed.
No more Stuart.
No more constant belittling or sarcasm.
No more demanding mother of my fiancé who never thought I was good enough for her son.
No more…fear.
I was finally starting to see how really bad things were in hindsight. I just wish I had wised up sooner.
“I nearly married him,” I said in a horrified voice. “What was I thinking, Zeke? Was I so damn desperate for love that I was willing to turn myself inside out to make things work with him? Was I willing to give up myself to please him?”
He stepped forward and put his arms around me. “He was a master manipulator, Lia. For fuck’s sake, don’t blame yourself. You’ll get over him.”
I put my hands on his shoulders, and tipped my head up to meet his gaze. “I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m not sure I ever was. I don’t need to get over him. I need to get over the fact that he played me so damn well. I have to figure out what in the hell is wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Zeke rasped. “You’re a loving, giving person. You always have been. You just met up with somebody who was willing to take complete advantage of those traits. It’s not some kind of character flaw you have. It’s his. The bastard.”
I wanted to believe what Zeke was telling me, but deep inside, I knew so much of what had happened with Stuart was my fault. “But I should have been strong enough to stand up for myself. I thought I did, but I realize I let him separate me from my friends, even you. We’ve barely seen each other for the last few years if it didn’t involve the coffee shop.”
I hadn’t even known what was really happening in Zeke’s life. I’d completely missed the fact that he had broken things off with Angelique, and my relationship with him had been almost superficial. That hurt considering all we’d been through together over the years.
“I think I can take some of the blame for that, too,” Zeke said, his gorgeous eyes reflecting more than a little remorse. “I didn’t want to see you with Stuart, so I pretty much avoided us meeting up that way. It was easier to just see you at the shop.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Because he had something I wanted,” Zeke said in a husky voice.
“What?”
“He had you, Lia.”
My heart skittered as I looked at the tense expression on his face. Zeke was as serious as I had ever seen him. “I’m sorry. I should have been a better friend,” I said in a rush.
“I should have told you that I envied what you were giving to a guy who didn’t deserve you,” he countered.
I diverted my gaze and stepped away from him to give myself some space.
Being too close to Zeke made me feel vulnerable, even though I knew he was the only person who really understood me.
Taking a seat on the couch, I tried to force my body to relax as I answered, “None of this was in any way your fault. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay with Stuart, when it never really was. I convinced myself that he was the one. But he never was. You know my insecurities better than anyone, and you’ve never tried to play on them. I guess it was unfathomable to me that somebody else would use them to manipulate me. I was an idiot.”
Zeke sat down on the other end of the couch. “Nobody you care about should ever do that to you.”
“Stuart did,” I answered. “And he made me feel so small and imperfect that he turned it around until I thought that I was lucky to have him. I believed that everything that went wrong was my fault. God, I even hated myself because I couldn’t satisfy him sexually.”
Zeke lifted a brow. “Are you serious?”
I nodded. “Something is wrong with me, Zeke. I’ve always been way too cold to enjoy anything intimate.”
“For God’s sake, Lia. You’ve never been the least bit cold. Has it ever occurred to you that your previous partners just sucked?”
“There really haven’t been all that many,” I confessed. “But no, I haven’t considered that. How can more than one guy be incompetent?”
“Pretty damn easily if they don’t care about whether or not you’re there with them when it’s time to come,” he grumbled.
“I don’t orgasm,” I admitted.
“Never?” he asked in a graveled voice.
“Not once when I was with someone.”
“But you can get yourself off?”
“Yes.”
I watched as Zeke closed his eyes and let his head fall back until it hit the wall behind the sofa with a loud thunk.
I wasn’t certain, but the sound he released right before his head smacked the wall sounded suspiciously like a tortured groan.