Chapter Eighteen
There’d been no formal plan to meet at the diner that night, but somehow, Cassidy had known Will and Emily would be coming by. It was Sunday dinner, after all. Traditional for a family to eat it together.
She’d thought about making something special, maybe running down to the grocery and picking up a roast, but she’d decided against it. The more of a fuss she made, the more difficult this would all be. Better to underplay it. Nothing important happening. No one’s Earth about to be shaken.
She took a deep breath as she saw Will’s Audi pull in across the street. No irreversible decisions about to be made. No relationships about to be strained to their limits. Damn it, she wished the diner was licensed, because she could really use a drink. She could start leaving a flask behind the counter, she supposed, but…no need for that, not anymore.
She served chicken pie to the McAlpines and was trying to make small talk with the elderly couple as Will and Emily came through the doorway. Yes, after seventy years Mrs. McAlpine was completely justified in not making dinner every night. Emily looks so happy, so perfectly, childishly messy. No, of course this dish isn’t as good as the chicken pie Mr. McAlpine’s mother used to make, but what is as good today as it was back then? Will got a bit of sun, and his khakis have actually lost their crease, at least below the knee. He wears it well. What was that? Oh, of course, a refill on the tea. No problem.
It was nothing new. Cassidy had gotten used to living her life on two levels. Part of her brain looked after her everyday business, the details she’d need to care about later. And at the same time, a different, higher level paid attention to Will and Emily, drinking in their details. Because those would be even more important to remember in the days to come.
She brought the tea to the McAlpines as Will settled into the family booth and Emily brought them both drinks from the cooler. A few quick stops to check on the other tables, and then Cassidy headed back to the family booth.
She stopped short a step away. Emily was sitting right on the aisle, blocking access to the other side of the two-person bench. Will, on the other hand, had slid over to the wall. Easier to sit next to him. Physically, anyway.
But maybe it was for the best. Cassidy needed to focus on Emily now, and that would be easiest with a clear view of her face. And, yes, it would certainly be best to do all of this without having to look at Will.
She slid in beside him, perching on the edge of the cushioned bench to ensure there was no contact, and said, “You guys had a good day?”
“Will came with us, and we sent the water back behind the band of cedar trees!”
Yes. Will had gone with them, and he’d taken part in the game, and they’d found success. Good. More evidence that Cassidy had made the right decision. “Sounds like fun.” She briefly wondered if her own contributions to the great water-diversion-challenge had been completely forgotten, then dismissed the idea. If they had been, that was fine. She was the past, and Will was the future. “I had a kind of interesting day as well.”
Emily raised a polite eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes.” Cassidy’s hands were clenched under the table, but neither Will nor Emily could see that. “And I need to ask you a couple questions, Em. They’re pretty serious. Is this a good time?”
“Uh, yeah, sure. I guess?” Then Em looked to Will for guidance. She looked to Will. Heartbreaking, but at the same time, reassuring. Cassidy had made the right choice.
She soldiered on. “I need to know if you have any real attachment to the diner, or the house, or the town. I know you have friends here, but assuming you were able to keep in touch with them, would you feel like there’d be a big hole in your life if you didn’t have the house to go home to, or if the diner wasn’t part of your future?”
Maybe she imagined the conspiratorial grin Emily sent in Will’s direction. “No, I wouldn’t miss it. Not the diner, for sure. The house and the town a little, I guess, but like you said, I could keep in touch with the people I really care about, right?”
Cassidy nodded. “Okay, and question two: maybe a bit weird to ask it right in front of him, but I’m going to do it anyway.” Because she knew the answer she was going to hear and wanted Will to hear it, too.
“Okay,” Emily said, and this time the look she shot toward Will was full of doubt. “What’s question two?”
“Do you feel comfortable with Will? Like, would you be okay living with him? Does he really feel like your dad, or is he just some nice-seeming stranger?”
Another look, this one sweetly shy, before Emily turned her attention back to Cassidy. “He feels like my dad,” she almost whispered.
Will ducked his head suddenly, and Cassidy knew she’d done the right thing. He’d needed to hear it. And maybe Em had needed to say it.
But now there was no excuse to not follow through. Cassidy loved Emily and wanted the best for her. She cared about Will. Damn it, now that she was facing this, she was pretty sure she loved him—it wouldn’t hurt this much if she didn’t. But that wasn’t something she should ever, ever say out loud.
Instead she said, “I called Roddy Turner today. I know you’ve seen his videos, Em, with the horse training, but I don’t think you know I used to be in touch with him, a little. When you were a few years old, I had a chance to go work with him, but I didn’t want to leave you. Not when you were so young.”
She took a breath and tried to keep it from trembling. She needed to sell this, needed to make Emily believe this was an exciting opportunity. Will? Will was harder to fool, but she didn’t really need to, not completely. Not about this, at least. She forced animation into her voice. “But I talked to Roddy, and it turns out he’s semi-retired and has been looking for someone to help out, with an eye to maybe taking over some day. I reminded him who I was and told him I’d been running a small business for quite a while so I know how to do books and everything, and he says he has a job for me, if I want it.”
Emily was staring at her, and Cassidy couldn’t let herself get too caught up in whatever the girl was feeling. This wasn’t done, and she needed to keep going. “It would be a big change, obviously. I’d have to shut down the diner and sell the house. We could put the money from that into your college fund, okay? And you could go live in New York with Will. Does that still sound like something you’d be okay with?”
“Without you?” the girl whispered.
Oh God, this was even harder than Cassidy had anticipated. She made herself remember Will’s party in the city. All those sophisticated, lovely people, ready to welcome Emily with open arms. And they’d be ready to welcome Cassidy, too, of course, but only as charity, a favor to a friend. Emily needed to start her new life without being saddled with an uneducated hick of an aunt. “Without me being in the same city as you. But never without me. I love you, Em, and that’s never, ever going to change. It doesn’t matter where we live. We can Skype, and talk on the phone, and you can come visit whenever you want. Holidays and summers, even, if you aren’t busy with NASA or whatever.” She could tell Emily wasn’t convinced, so she made herself say the rest. “This would be something for me, you know? Something for my life. You and I aren’t going to grow old together in that moldy house. We were never going to, even before Will came around. This is maybe happening a bit earlier than it would have without him, but that’s all.”
“But it’s too early,” Emily said. The tears were flowing, now, and Cassidy reached across the table to take Em’s hand, but the girl pulled her arms back angrily. “No, it’s too early! I still need you! I need you with me, every day, not just on the phone or on vacations. Where does this guy live, this Roddy Turner? Couldn’t you live with me, and drive there for work?”
“He lives in Texas,” Cassidy said quietly. And then they all sat there for a moment. Cassidy dared a glance toward Will and looked away quickly when she saw his expression. Anger she could handle, but the hurt was hard to take.
She did a gut check. Could she keep going? She knew it would work. She knew Emily well enough to be almost sure how things would go. Emily would be upset, but she’d get over it. She was crying less now than she had when Seth had broken her heart, and she and Seth had talked things through two days after the dance and were fine now. This was good for Emily and would make her much happier in the long run. It was Cassidy who was going to be in trouble. But she wouldn’t let herself chicken out.
“If you’re not ready for me to go,” she said calmly, “I won’t go. I’ll turn down this chance. But I’d like you to really think about it, Em. Because it was just luck that I got this opportunity—it’s not something that’s going to be waiting for me four years from now when you’re ready to go off to college. If you need me to stay, I’ll stay. I’d die for you, sweetie, if I had to, so I’d absolutely give this up. I’m just asking you to take a little time to think about whether I need to give it up. That’s all.”
Emily’s eyes were wide, and for about the millionth time since she’d started putting the plan together that morning, Cassidy doubted it. Maybe she should have made the decision herself instead of guilting Emily into it. It had seemed like a good idea to give the girl a sense of control over things, but maybe that hadn’t been fair. Damn it, why couldn’t things be easier?
The hurt was gone from Will’s face now, and he was wearing a cold, assessing expression she hadn’t seen since that first day he’d walked into the diner, angry about the trick with the DNA test. They locked gazes for a moment, and Cassidy braced herself for the next step in her plan. She’d tried to convince Emily that the two of them were better off apart; now she had to do the same for Will.
…
“Is there even a trainer in Texas?” Will asked Cassidy that night. He’d taken Emily home soon after Cassidy’s bombshell, tried to comfort the girl, and fumed. Now Em was in bed, Cassidy was home, and Will was ready for a fight. “Or did you make up the job offer just to get rid of us?”
“Don’t,” Cassidy said, her voice low and tired. She stepped into the den and carefully closed the doors behind her. “There is a trainer in Texas, and he’s the same one I almost worked for years ago, and he’s willing to give me a chance now. I might have exaggerated the likelihood of my taking over his business, but that’s the only thing that wasn’t completely true.” She stood behind one of the leather club chairs, her fingers picking nervously at the seam along the back. When she saw him noticing, she pulled her hands away and hid them down by her sides. She lifted her gaze to his, and he saw no guilt in her eyes. More like defiance.
“There is a job, but if there wasn’t, I would have made it up. You backed me into a corner with this! We could have worked something out, with Em spending the week in the city with you and the weekends and holidays here with me. But you put the idea in her head that she could have it all, and the truth is, she can’t. Not because I won’t give it to her, but because I can’t give it to her. I can’t be the person she would need beside her in the city.”
“Same old bullshit.” He pushed impatiently to his feet and strode toward her. She braced herself and stood her ground, and for two breaths, then three, they stared at each other, locked in frustration. He’d never raised his hand to a woman, and he damn well never would, but he could feel the temptation. Not to hit her, but to grab her, shake her, force her to do what he wanted.
He made himself break eye contact and take a step back. “How much of this is because of you and me?” he asked. “If we’d controlled ourselves, if I hadn’t pushed for more than casual, would that have made it easier for you to come to the city?”
She looked away from him, toward the fire he’d started despite the warm evening. “I think you and me, together, made this even more clear. I mean, my God, Will, you asked me to marry you! Does that not prove that your judgment is gone? If you’re making ridiculous decisions like that, it’s pretty clear that our relationship isn’t good for you.”
He made himself take another step back, because the temptation to shake and overpower was not going away. “I regret asking you that, right then. That way. That was a mistake, to make it seem as if it was about convenience, when really it could just as well have been about—”
“Stop.” She sounded angry, and maybe afraid. “Don’t make it worse. Don’t say more things you don’t mean. You’ve been stuck up here in the back woods, away from your girlfriend and everything you know; you’ve had an intense emotional experience, discovering your daughter; and maybe you still have some unresolved feelings for Penny, or—”
“No, you stop.” And this time he let himself take that step forward. She didn’t shrink away, despite his threatening posture. Was she that brave, or did she trust him that much? He hoped it was the latter, but he knew it could well be the former. “Don’t you dare tell me how I feel. You want to manipulate a thirteen-year-old? Fine. I don’t know if it was the right decision or not, but at least it wasn’t an insult. But you trying to tell me, a grown man, how I feel about you? Trying to convince me I’m just confused? No, that’s not going to happen.” Another half step toward her and then he said, “I love you, Cassidy.”
She slapped him, hard enough to set his ear ringing and his cheek burning. No words, just a fierce, unapologetic glare.
His laugh was an angry bark. “I’m sorry, does that get in the way of your plans? Who’s worried about convenience now? I didn’t plan it, and damn it, I don’t want it, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I love you, and—”
This time he saw the blow coming and caught her wrist. She squirmed, brought her other hand up, and he caught it, too. “I love you,” he told her. Now that he’d said the words once, he wanted to keep saying them, wanted to whisper them and yell them and tell the whole world. But all of that was a bit difficult when the object of his affection apparently wanted to beat the shit out of him.
“Let me go,” she growled.
“Will you hit me again?”
“If you don’t let me go, I’m going to start kicking, and I think we both know what my first target will be.”
He let her go, and they stared at each other a little longer. Eventually he said, “I know it’s my problem. My feelings. If you don’t love me back, that’s something I need to deal with. But don’t tell me how I feel about you.”
This time, the attack was even quicker than before, but the approach was different. Instead of slapping his cheek, she grabbed his shirt, pulled him toward her, and met his lips with a kiss that was almost a bite. He surged forward, clutching at her just as desperately as she was grabbing at him. All of their frustration, their anger, their lust, and, at least in his case, his love, it all washed over them, blurring everything rational from their minds. Will felt the buttons on his shirt give way under her assault and slid his hands under her shirt then up, over her ribs, her breasts, until her shirt was over her head. Her arms were still trapped in the fabric, and for a moment he tried to free them, but then he stopped and twisted the fabric tighter.
“Tell me to stop if you want me to,” he whispered, and then he spun her around and grabbed the extra fabric, knotting it so her hands were tied tight. She didn’t tell him to stop.
He pressed up against her ass while reaching around and grappling with the fly of her jeans. He wanted her naked, wanted her moaning, wanted to make her feel, damn it. “I love you,” he growled into her neck, and he heard frustration in her answering groan but maybe, just maybe, something else.
He pushed her away long enough to drag her jeans and panties to the floor, and he pulled off just one of her shoes, freeing that leg but leaving the other at least partially hobbled with bagged-up pants. Maybe he was trying to keep her from running away, or maybe he was just too damn impatient to get back to the good stuff.
He rose slowly, letting his face skim along her legs, her ass, her back. He wanted to spend the rest of his life exploring every inch of this woman’s body, finding every single way to make her feel good. But he couldn’t think about that right then. He couldn’t allow himself to be distracted by the future, not when he should be focusing on the present, trying to wring every ounce of enjoyment out of it for both of them.
“Spread your legs,” he ordered, or maybe suggested. He could have his interpretation, and surely she’d have hers. Whatever her verdict, she followed the instruction, and he wrapped one hand around her to find a pert nipple while the other slid over her belly, then lower. Damn, she was already so wet, and when he pinched her clit between two fingers her whole body jerked like she’d been electrified.
He should be drawing this out, savoring every moment, making love to his woman. But she thrust her ass back toward him and made a high, almost musical sound, and any self-control he’d had left was destroyed. He managed to find the condom he’d stashed in his pocket in an earlier moment of optimism, fumbled one-handed with it and then with getting rid of his pants, and swore a little. Cassidy turned her head to see what was going on, and he took the opportunity to kiss her. Her sweet mouth, her hot tongue—he was supposed to walk away from her? Supposed to pretend he didn’t care? It was impossible to even consider it.
He got the condom sorted out and slid inside her warmth. He heard the change in her breathing, felt the demanding arch of her back. Her hands were still bound behind her, and he thought about freeing them, giving her something to brace herself with. But he couldn’t bear to give away his temporary power, his illusion of control, so he wrapped one arm around her, elbow at her ribs, forearm across her chest so he could wrap his fingers around her shoulder, and he moved.
He wanted to tell her the story of their future, the one they could have if she’d let them. Hard thrusts for the passion, smooth, tantalizing glides for the relaxed, happy times. His free hand roaming over her body for the variety, the adventures they’d share, the stories they’d be able to tell. And she moved with him, adding her own twists to their story. She had to understand, surely. When she turned to look over her shoulder and their lips found each other, she had to feel the love. She had to.
He felt her body tightening, and the invitation of her hips became a demand, one his body was only too happy to comply with. Faster, harder, driving them both. At some point he freed her hands, not because he couldn’t manage to hold her himself, but because of some vague, lust-addled thought about the importance of her being free. Also possibly because her bound hands had been between her back and his belly, and he wanted as much contact as possible.
Whatever the reason, when her breathing turned to whimpers and then to a low, choking cry, he was able to pull her tight, and as he let himself go, he felt her warmth, her softness, and her strength.
They slumped together, her leaning against the bookshelf, him leaning against her, and he decided he never had to move again. Why would he leave that place, that moment?
But Cassidy stirred, eventually, and he leaned back enough to give her space to turn around before he let himself lean on her again, joining her in a deep, easy kiss.
Which she also couldn’t just enjoy. Her hands came to his shoulders too soon, and she pushed him gently away, then leaned over and pulled her pants back up.
For a few moments, they both dressed without conversation. When she was put back together, she turned to him, and he stood waiting for her verdict.
“You’re a good guy, Will. You’re a good dad.”
“I’m really not sure why you’re thinking about that right at this moment.”
Her smile was there for a second, sweet and sad, and then it was gone. “I’ve got some work to do at the house, getting it ready to sell. I’ll move back there tomorrow so I can get stuff done. If it’s okay, I’ll set up payments with you for Casey. I can take the horses and the cats with me, unless Em wants the cats in the city with her. We can talk about that, I guess.”
No, this wasn’t what was supposed to happen. He’d said the words, he’d damn well meant the words, and she was carrying on as if that hadn’t happened. “What if Emily wants you to come with us?” he asked. “You said you’d stay if she asked you to.” It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but maybe it would have better results than an approach that centered on him.
But Cassidy just shook her head. “You honestly think she’s going to do that? You think she’d wreck my chances like that?”
Damn it. “What if I want you with us? Maybe Emily can get by without you, but that doesn’t mean I can!”
She turned toward the door, and he couldn’t see her face when she said, “You’ll be fine, once you’re back in the city. This will all seem like a weird dream you had.”
“No, it won’t.” He didn’t want to sound petulant, but he’d tried anger and that hadn’t done him any damn good. What emotions were left? “I love you, Cassidy.”
She didn’t even look at him, just shifted around and said, “You’ll get over it,” as she pulled the door open.
And then she was gone. He thought about chasing after her, but he had nothing more to say, no arguments to make he hadn’t made already. He spent the night in the den, trying to figure out his next step, and when he heard her moving around the next morning, he didn’t go talk to her. She’d made her decision clear; the only step left was trying to find a way to deal with the consequences.