Chapter Thirteen
Izzy woke on Christmas morning tangled in Derek’s arms. She wasn’t sure what she had expected, but it wasn’t the earth-quaking pleasure or overflowing heart she’d experienced the night before. Derek had given her everything and more. She shut her eyes tightly, wanting the moment to last forever. For the first time, it seemed this might really work. That she’d found the one she’d always hoped for. Emotion gripped her, and a tear slid down her cheek. She was so scared of the love that swamped her heart, because she wasn’t certain he felt the same.
Derek’s thumb touched her cheek, and he propped himself up on one elbow. The sheets collected around his bare hips. It was silly for heat to inch up her cheeks after everything they’d done last night, but the sight of him like this made her pulse jump.
“Why tears?” he asked. Izzy swallowed the thick lump in her throat.
“Last night. It was so…” She trailed off, unsure what to say. How could she tell him she loved him so much it hurt?
“I think last night shook us both,” he admitted. Goose bumps popped along her skin as he ran his hard hands down the length of her body. She’d never slept naked in her life, until last night. When he kissed her lips, the heat of the night before mixed with new promise and flowed through her.
“Merry Christmas.” His breath against her neck sent a shiver through her soul.
Izzy placed her hands on his chest, pushed him over so he was lying on his back, and straddled him. Her hair curtained his face and trailed along his skin as she pressed kisses down the center of his body. She didn’t want to think, just wanted to feel. When she leaned back and slid over him, surprise and desire shadowed his face. What a powerful feeling, to put that look in his eyes. No storybook could compete with her life the past two weeks. Once she’d gotten beneath Derek’s shell, she’d discovered a man she could have only dreamed of.
…
An hour later, the patter of feet sounded in the hall, and she lifted her chin to Derek. “We really should get up now.”
He groaned and turned on his side to see the clock. “The sooner they open gifts, the sooner we can shove them out the door.”
Izzy laughed and gave him a little nudge. “You be nice.” She wrapped a sheet around her and walked to the bathroom. “Be right back.” She glanced at him over her shoulder. He was staring at her with hungry eyes, and something else, something more, flickered in the black depths. Her stomach tangled like a ball of wrapping ribbon. She turned the faucet on hot and stepped under the steamy spray. She used Derek’s shampoo and soap, lathering his scent over her skin, before rinsing off and stepping out. She wrapped a towel around her tightly. The air cooled her skin quickly after the heat of the water.
“There’s a problem,” she said when she opened the door to the bedroom. “I can’t exactly walk down the hall in a towel.”
“I could get used to that.” His lopsided grin made something tighten in her heart. If only she could have all this, every day. “But you can go through the secret hall. I’ll show you.” He got off the bed, pulled on jeans, and led her out of the room. In his work area, there was a door against the wall. He flipped on a light switch and opened the door to a brightly lit hall with the same glossy floors that ran throughout the rest of the mansion.
“You’re the third door down. I’ll see you in fifteen?” He leaned down and kissed her lips. “Izzy, stay with me tonight.”
What was he asking? For another night together, or a chance to see what could happen between them?
“This is supposed to be my last day, and I have to see Gram this afternoon.” She didn’t know why she was protesting when she wanted to stay more than anything.
“Let’s go see Gram together. Then we can come back here. I’m not ready for this to be over.” He moved a strand of damp hair away from her face. She would never be ready for her time with him to be over. Would he, at some point? If it ended, she’d have to deal with the consequences then, because now she was ready to trust—in herself and in Derek.
“I’ll stay,” she heard herself say, then she leaned up on her tippy-toes to kiss him before making her way down the hall. Sconce lights glowed and gave the hallway a mysterious aura. Who could say they had secret passageways running through their home? It would be every kid’s dream to roam these hidden corridors looking for treasure or ghosts. Izzy counted the doors as she passed, got to the third, and swung open the door. It creaked and grated as it opened, but sure enough, it was her closet she stepped into. She fumbled for the light, flipped it on, and took the red sweater dress off its hanger. The black leggings she’d brought to lounge in were a perfect match to the belt that looped around the waist of the cozy material.
She picked up the bag of presents she’d stored and took a deep breath. It was going to be awkward accepting gifts from people she barely knew, but she was glad she’d been given a heads-up so she could be prepared.
When she walked into the ballroom, everyone was gathered around the Christmas tree. All eyes were on her. Her dress suddenly seemed too tight and clingy, and she wished she’d put on makeup. Her stomach had an uncomfortable, weightless feeling, as if she’d taken a plastic sled for a joyride off a cliff. Janet and Paul were sitting in chairs next to the tree, and Mary and Derek were sitting on the floor. Atticus lay beside the gifts, tail slowly ticking back and forth.
“Merry Christmas,” she said. To keep her hands busy, she started to open her bag to pass out gifts. Did Derek’s family know they’d spent the night together? She shook the thought away to stop a bright red blush from sweeping across her cheeks.
“Izzy, these are for you.” Janet got up from her seat and picked up a pile of gifts wrapped in blue paper with glittery snowflakes. How could all of those presents be for her? The only thing larger than the boxes Janet was piling next to her was the guilt stacking up inside her. These people were welcoming her with open arms, and she—they—were lying to them. Janet and Paul had spent their hard-earned money on someone who they didn’t even know. These past two weeks had shaken her morals to the brink of shattering. Now they disintegrated into dust. At least she and Derek had started a relationship now, so maybe it wasn’t totally dishonest.
“Oh, and from me, too,” Mary said and made space for Izzy to sit on the floor next to Derek. Izzy sank into the open space on the floor, crossed her legs under her, and cast Derek a glance. Why hadn’t he prepared her for the magnitude of a Croft Christmas? The present the little girl offered was wrapped haphazardly in shiny green paper. A lump formed in Izzy’s throat when she realized Mary must have wrapped it herself.
“All right everyone, don’t be shy. Start opening.” Paul sat with a trash bag for collecting paper. Gram had always spoiled her at Christmas, but Izzy had never seen quite so many packages piled under a tree. Mary started ripping open her gifts, oohing and aahing over nail polish and accessories. When she got to the art supplies Izzy had helped Derek pick out, Mary inched across the floor through mounds of discarded wrapping paper to hug Izzy.
“I love it! The first thing I’m going to draw is a picture of Derek and Izzy, to hang on their wall,” Mary announced. She scooted around Izzy and flung her arms around Derek’s neck. What would Derek do with a picture of them together, once she was gone?
“Don’t be shy, Izzy dear, open your gifts,” Janet said as she began unwrapping the scarf Derek had bought her. She held up the lavender silk and twisted it around her neck. “Oh, this is lovely. I can tell Derek had a little extra help this year.” Janet winked at Izzy. How she would love to be part of this holiday, this family from now on.
She forced her fingers to peel away the wrapping paper on the first gift and slipped an ornament out of a velvet bag. The lump in her throat grew, and it was hard to swallow. An ornament depicting two ceramic snowmen, engraved with the names Izzy and Derek and the year, stared back at her.
“You can hang it on your tree next year.” Janet smiled at her. Oh, how she hoped there’d be a next year for their relationship, and a year after that.
“It’s beautiful, thank you,” Izzy said and angled it so Derek could see. Sensing her angst, Derek squeezed her knee.
“It’ll be front and center next year.” He spoke loud enough for everyone to hear while locking eyes with Izzy. What was happening? Was this an act, or was he openly inviting her into his life?
Derek started to unseal the package from Izzy. He slid the snow globe out of the box and tipped it upside down so white flakes floated down on the castle beneath.
“It looks just like the house,” Derek said and draped his arm around her, pulling her into his side. “I’ll put it out every year at Christmas time.” He whispered the words. If they weren’t for the benefit of his family, why would he say something like that? Her heart lifted; maybe he loved her, too.
She never imagined someone like Derek would develop feelings for her, but now she wasn’t so sure. Maybe she’d always held on to her lack of self-esteem for self-preservation. Izzy hid behind her insecurities and lack of self-worth like a shield of armor. If she wasn’t worthy of love, she’d never get close to anyone. While it was a lonely existence, she’d never have her heart broken like she had in her past. Had her doubts blinded her to Derek’s feelings? There was a swirl of hope in her belly.
After all the gifts had been opened, she glanced around the room at the sea of discarded paper and bows. Atticus chewed on a giant bone he’d received, Derek’s father intently looked through his kayaking book, and Mary was sweeping a new charcoal pencil across the sketch pad they’d given her. Izzy had unwrapped beautiful sweaters, fragrant bath products, and earrings from Paul and Janet, but the gift that stuck with her most was the little vase Mary had made and painted in her pottery class. It still seemed wrong to take these thoughtful things, even though the circumstances had changed quite a bit.
“One more gift,” Derek said and handed her a little box. Inside was a rose-gold locket. A little diamond sparkled on the oval etched with roses. “I picked that out for my mother, one year when I was little.” Izzy’s breath caught. Derek had given this gift to his mother, and she had left, leaving the precious locket behind. By giving it to Izzy, it was like he was saying he was ready to trust again. That he believed Izzy would stay by his side. Hot tears welled behind her eyelids, and she blinked them back.
“I don’t know what to say,” Izzy mumbled, staring down at the necklace.
“Nothing.” Derek cupped her cheeks and kissed above her left brow. “I want you to have it.”
“Mary, Paul. Let’s go down and start breakfast so that we can make it to my parents in time for lunch.” Janet bustled them out of the room, leaving Izzy and Derek to have a private moment.
“My mother always wore it,” Derek said as he moved her hair to the side and clasped the locket around her neck. “When she left, I found it sitting on my dresser. I always thought it was a final slap in the face, like I’d done something to push her away. Now I’d like to think she left it because she knew I’d find someone special to give it to, someone more deserving of it than she’d been.” He skimmed his fingers over the locket, and when they glided up the column of her neck, shivers danced down her spine.
“Oh, Derek.” She clutched the locket and looked down at the elegantly etched designs. “Wouldn’t you like to find her? Have some closure?”
“I’m afraid of what I’ll find.”
“But if you don’t, won’t you always wonder? Maybe there’s a clue to her whereabouts in her office. One you might be able to find with fresh eyes.” She touched her fingertips to Derek’s cheek when his lips pursed.
“I didn’t look through her things then, and I won’t now. Besides, there are too many pictures that will resurrect old memories.” A vacant expression crossed over Derek’s face, and the muscles in her chest tightened.
“You never went through the things in her office? She could have left a note,” Izzy said with disbelief in her voice.
“She left us.” There was a finality to Derek’s tone, but it was the hurt written on his face that stopped her.
She closed her eyes for a brief moment and dropped the subject. “I’ll take good care of it,” Izzy said, and Derek squeezed her hand. What she had wanted to say was I’ll take care of you, but she was too afraid to say the words. “These two weeks…they’ve been special.” If only they didn’t have to end so abruptly. In a matter of days, she’d be back at the library, living her normal life.
“For me, too.” Derek clasped her hands and gave her a sweet and slow kiss on the lips.
Izzy sighed. “Let’s go help them. We’re being terrible hosts.” She straightened her legs to stand, and Derek did the same.
“Good idea. The sooner they’re gone, the better.” The cheeky grin he shot her made her heart thump and her stomach queasy at the same time. Should she just be honest and tell him how she felt? That she’d fallen so quickly and so hard and didn’t know the next steps to take? She was so afraid of losing the one person who understood her, who cared about her despite her flaws. If she was too forward, would she scare him off?
Derek and Izzy walked downstairs hand in hand. Usually, the way her palm was wrapped inside his made her go warm, but right now, apprehension hung around her like one of the thick drapes in the parlor. After his family left, Izzy was going to sit Derek down and tell him how she truly felt—before her words could disappear like footprints in the snow.
The scent of maple, butter, and cinnamon coated the air when they got to the main floor. Late morning sun streamed through the wide windows over the kitchen sink and washed the room in hues of bright gold. Janet flipped thick slices of battered bread in a frying pan while Paul and Mary set the table.
“You have perfect timing,” Janet said as she breezed over to the breakfast nook with a serving platter overflowing with French toast. Izzy busied herself pouring glasses and filling cups of coffee and then stored the juice back in the refrigerator. She’d portion the contents of the casserole dishes later and put them in the freezer. Derek and his staff could easily microwave them for weeks to come. She crossed the room to where placemats decorated with holly leaves trimmed in gold were set in a ring around the table.
Mary pulled out a chair, sat, and stabbed a few pieces of French toast onto her plate. “Are you two going to get married soon, or what?” she asked and earned a sharp hush from Janet—even though she was probably dying to ask, too.
Derek started to speak, but Izzy beat him to it. “It’s all still very new. I think we’re just enjoying the moment.” Izzy sat in the chair Derek had pulled out for her and took a sip of orange-mango juice to keep her hands busy. He sat next to her and squeezed her knee under the table.
Paul chuckled. “You could be a politician with a line like that.” He dug into his own breakfast, and Janet chattered on about the day’s plans.
“Is it all right, dear?” Janet stared at Izzy as she poured more syrup over her plate.
“It’s excellent,” Izzy reassured her before forcing the food into her mouth. Under normal circumstances, she’d thoroughly enjoy the meal, but her appetite had vanished. She was sidetracked as she mentally rehearsed the perfect words to say to Derek later on. Everyone was just about finished when Derek’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He leaned to the side, pulled it out, and looked at the number on the screen.
“My agent. Excuse me.” Derek stepped into the hallway, and Mary and Janet started clearing plates. Paul was fiddling around on his phone. No one would miss her if she slipped away for a few moments. Her heart beat a little faster as she stood up and peeked around the corner. Derek was still on the phone, and she slipped past him and went up the stairs to her bedroom. It was clear that when his mother left, she took a piece of his heart with her. She desperately wanted to help Derek confront his feelings. It was wrong to go to the one place he’d told her not to, but what if the reason his mother left had been sitting under his nose all these years?
The rise and fall of her chest quickened with every step until she pushed open the secret door inside her closet. The groan of the hinges screamed in her ears. For a moment, she froze, almost expecting someone would come charging up the stairs. No one came. She released a breath, stepped into the passageway, and closed the door behind her. She counted the doors as she went, until she reached the second down from hers on the left.
The entrance didn’t budge at first, but she tried again, pushing hard against the resisting wood. It opened silently, and a surge of cold, stale air greeted her. Izzy’s fingers fumbled against the wall, searching for the light switch in the pitch black. The little hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and goose bumps burst down her arms. She found the switch, flipped it on, and held her breath. It was a simple room with a small cherry wood desk and two plush chairs in the opposite corner. It was easy to see why Derek didn’t come in here. Every inch of the walls was covered in framed family photos. Some were professional, others candid, but through the consistent layers of dust, they looked like the quintessential, happy family. Izzy stepped forward to take a closer look at one of the photos. His mother had been a classic beauty with raven hair set over crystal-blue eyes and creamy skin. But it wasn’t so much her features that caught Izzy’s eye; it was the way she smiled as she looked down at her son. How could she have left them?
Izzy heard footsteps coming down the hall. She stepped back quickly, and her hand connected with a tabletop lamp. It crashed to the floor and shattered. For a moment, she just stood still, waiting for someone to charge through the door. Maybe she’d imagined the footfalls. Izzy gathered her courage and crouched in front of the desk. She pulled open the drawer and found a music box filled with family pictures. The next held a neat row of files. A lump clogged her throat when she peered into the first yellow folder. It contained dozens of pictures of stick figures, yellow suns, and puffy clouds. She flipped through the drawer and crayon drawings of pirate ships, castles, and airplanes signed by Derek stared back at her. A pen mark on the other side of the thin paper caught her eye. She turned it over, and a date and note were written on the back of the page in graceful cursive.
My sweet boy brought this home in his backpack today. Derek said he drew sunshine and flowers because they made him think of my smile. How did I become so blessed?
Her eyes instantly filled. There was even a little smiling heart at the end of the note.
The door creaked behind Izzy, and her spine and shoulders stiffened. Her pulse raced, and she gripped the chair beside her to ward off the dizziness spiraling through her.
“Izzy,” Derek said in a low tone. “What are you doing in here?”
Guilt flooded her like water through a Swiss cheese boat. “I’m so sorry. You said it brought back too many memories to come in here. I was just going to look around quickly to see if there was something that might help to find her or answer your questions.” Izzy stood up from the desk, placed the files on top of it, and turned to face Derek, who was staring at her like she was a complete stranger, an intruder in his home.
“This was the one thing I asked of you. The one place I told you not to come.” Derek crossed his arms in front of his chest, blocking her out. She’d been right about his mother being a ghost to contend with if they started a relationship. Everything he did was shaped by her actions, including the way he stood in front of her now with an unreadable expression on his face.
“You must know I was only trying to help. Your mother had a whole drawer dedicated to your drawings. She loved you.” She gestured to the files sitting on the desk behind her and took a step toward him. Derek took one back, and her throat tightened. The way his eyes bore into hers made her want to cry. They’d come so far, and at one misstep, he looked ready to push her away without a second thought.
“If she loved me, she never would’ve left.” His eyes drifted to the open doorway behind her that led to the secret passageway. “Not only did you come in here, you snuck in.”
“I wasn’t sneaking. I just thought it was the best way to go.” Izzy grazed her teeth over her bottom lip.
“It was the best way because you knew you were breaking my trust. Was I an idiot to start a relationship with you?” Derek’s brows furled together.
“I suppose that’s for you to decide.” Izzy raised her chin defiantly. “You carry so much pain, Derek. How can you live in this house day after day and never have looked in this office for a clue why she left?”
“This isn’t about my mother anymore.” His voice cracked as the words passed through his lips. “This room represents the woman who stripped every shred of light out of my life. I didn’t want you to come in here, and you disregarded my feelings. You betrayed me. How do I know you won’t do it again?”
The death of their future hung in the air between them. Izzy had given him her heart—her innocence—and he wouldn’t even try to see things from her perspective. She clenched her jaw and squared her shoulders.
“You’ve been waiting for a chance like this, haven’t you? To prove to yourself that I’d purposefully hurt you so you can shut yourself off from the world again. Part of you is relieved that you can push me away and hole up in your cave.” She could feel him slipping away, and fear snapped inside her like a living thing. Pain radiated down her neck and into her chest.
“Yesterday, I would’ve given my soul to keep you here. I realize now it was all a mistake. I never should’ve let you into my life.” He spoke the words so quietly she barely heard them. Her breath caught, and her body constricted.
“You’re broken, and I was stupid enough to think I could mend your hurts because I’ve been hurt, too. You’ll never get over the fact that she left, because you use it as a shield. An easy excuse to be callous and cold.”
“After you visit your grandmother this afternoon, there’s no need to come back. I’ll see the money gets deposited into your account, as discussed.” Derek turned away, dismissing her with his body, as well as his words. Everything inside her shattered like a brick dashed through a thin sheet of ice.
Izzy pushed past him and raced downstairs. She could barely see with the tears blurring her vision. She barreled into the kitchen, and Derek’s family stopped and stared at her.
“Izzy, what’s wrong?” Janet asked. Izzy could only shake her head. She ripped her purse off the countertop, turned, and fled to the front door. The cold air bit through her leggings and the sweater dress did nothing to shield her from the frosty air. It didn’t matter. Derek’s words had given her a bone-deep chill before she’d even stepped outside. Her feet clicked on the cobblestone drive as she raced to her car. She opened the rusty door and slid inside.
The seats were frigid against her back and legs. Izzy turned the key in the ignition with a silent prayer it would start and take her far away from here. It coughed to life, and she pulled away from the house. In the rearview mirror, she could see Mary, Paul, and Janet rushing outside. Derek, a mere shadow in the upstairs window, watched her drive through the unforgiving iron gates.
He’d said everything was a mistake. How could he think that, after the time they spent together?
The whole ride home, an endless stream of tears fell, soaking the top of her sweater. She’d made one small decision to try to help, and in an instant, she’d lost the only man she’d ever loved. Maybe it was better to find out now, rather than weeks or months later.
No matter how short their time had been, it had been the best of her life. Not because of the mansion or the fancy car, the double ovens or the glossy granite countertops. It had been him—earning his trust and companionship, little by little, until she saw the compassionate soul he kept hidden under lock and key. Everything Derek had said had come from a place of pain, but she’d learned an important lesson. She couldn’t help him overcome his grief if he didn’t help himself first. Izzy couldn’t picture him trying to deal with his feelings of resentment and distrust. He might live with them forever.
She pulled into a parking space in front of her dreary brick apartment building. Those who had balcony units cluttered them up with garbage, and a new string of graffiti was scrolled across the left wall. Her situation was tough to swallow after the past few weeks with Derek. She would never be a real girlfriend to Derek or the hero Gram thought she was. She couldn’t pretend to be okay. Gram would have to move out of Silver Acres, and that crushed her almost as much as the indifference that had radiated in Derek’s eyes.