Chapter Fourteen
Derek watched Mary and Janet get inside their SUV from the window of his mother’s office. He wouldn’t stop them from leaving, just like he hadn’t tried to stop Izzy. He pressed the heel of his palm against his aching chest. What a fool he’d been to let her in after he worked so hard to avoid being hurt.
There was a knock on the open door, and Derek turned. His father stood on the threshold, looking exhausted and sad.
“We’re leaving. I’m so sorry about everything. You looked so happy…”
“I thought we were, until she took it upon herself to play Sherlock Holmes and go through Mom’s things. What could she possibly have found that would make up for decades of pain?” Derek pinched the bridge of his nose. He’d had enough for one day.
“It sounds to me like she was trying to help.” Paul spotted the files, walked over to the desk, and began flipping through them. “I’m not saying it was right to come in here, but the look on her face… Derek, whatever you said crushed her.”
Derek stilled as his stomach soured. Izzy had backed him into a corner, and he had to make a decision. Either step into his mother’s room and trust in Izzy, or retreat to where it was safer. He’d been a coward. Derek inhaled the musty scent of the office that had been closed up for over a decade, and a bitter pain settled in his throat and lungs.
“I told her to leave.” Derek pulled out the desk chair and slumped down into it on unsteady legs.
“Oh, son. I understand how hard it was to lose your mother. I lost my wife. But haven’t you known Izzy long enough to trust her?” Paul tucked his hands into the pockets of his dress pants and walked to the edge of the room.
While his father was staring out the window, the realization of what he’d done settled in his stomach like a sack of coal.
“Everything’s happened so fast. When I gave Marie and Sebastian the week off, they hired me a surprise temp assistant. It was Izzy who showed up at my doorstep. I tried to send her away, but then Janet threated to have Carolynn Schafer come for the holidays. I was so sick of dodging the pressure to find someone each year.” Derek dragged his hand through his hair.
“So, what? You asked Izzy to pretend to be your girlfriend? You lied to all of us?” Paul’s mouth tightened, and the side of his lip twitched.
“That’s how it started, at least.” Derek studied a knot in the wood floor near his feet. “I never expected to fall in love with her.”
“What was supposed to be an act came around to bite you. Shame on you, Derek.” Paul shook his head, and he suddenly found it hard to breathe.
“I was trapped. Janet was forcing another woman down my throat. I know that’s what you both want for me, a wife, a family, but that has always been my decision to make. One I never wanted.” Heat flushed Derek’s cheeks, and he stood up and paced across the room.
“Even the most skilled actress couldn’t conjure up the expression in Izzy’s eyes when she looked at you,” Paul said and started walking toward the door. “I’d say you have one giant mess to untangle.”
Derek needed solitude, time to clear the racing thoughts pounding through his head.
Paul paused at the doorway. “I set a bad example for you, Derek, and I wasn’t the father I should’ve been. It’s taken me a long time to forgive your mother for leaving, but I know whatever reasons she had, she did love us,” Paul said.
Derek scoffed. “You may have forgiven her, but I haven’t. I probably never will.”
Paul sighed. “I hope for your sake you can overcome the pain of it and try to win back Izzy—even if you don’t forgive your mother.”
Derek turned toward the window and drew in slow, steady breaths. Dismissing his father was wrong, but, God, he wanted everyone out.
“You think that if I were a stronger man, I could’ve made your mother stay. I understand you don’t want to make my mistakes, but if you don’t make any, you’ll never live.” Paul sighed deeply, a noise edged with heartbreak. “Mary and Janet are waiting in the car.”
Derek continued to stare blankly out the window. His father’s words had stirred a horrible churning in his gut and a sickness in his throat. Derek preferred the anger to hurt. The front door on the main floor slammed shut, and his father walked across the driveway, head hanging low, to the parked vehicle.
Derek flexed his fingers and, in one sharp gesture, swept his arm through a row of family photos that lined a dresser. A whimper sounded from the hallway, and Derek looked up to see Atticus tuck his tail between his legs and slink out of sight.
Derek’s shoes crunched over the broken glass, and his eyes avoided the happy face of the boy, his radiant mother, and his father’s intelligent eyes. He sat down at the desk, filled his lungs, and opened the first file. Tears he hadn’t cried since childhood threatened to fall. Izzy was right; his mother had saved everything and added warm, loving notes to the back of each one. “Why did you leave?” Derek growled under his breath. The Tiffany lamp on top of the desk rattled as he whipped open a drawer. His muscles quivered, suddenly as cold as the air pressing against the old windows. He’d loved his mother so much. He grieved for the little boy who’d made so many attempts to convey his love before being abandoned. He’d needed her growing up, and she hadn’t been there.
Izzy finding the drawings was bittersweet and almost too much to bear. His father and Izzy were right—his mother, at least part of her, had cared for them. Loved them. So, what had changed? He kept opening the drawers, slower now, and fished through the contents. His hand connected with a pile of plastic bottles. The pills inside rattled as he pulled them out of the drawer. He looked at the prescription, took out his phone, and pressed the voice recognition. He rattled off the name of the pills, and the phone instantly replied.
“Lithium is an antipsychotic drug administered to treat the symptoms of bipolar depression.” The robotic voice echoed through the room, and Derek sank down to the floor. His mother had fought her own demons. Maybe she thought she’d been doing the right thing to leave her son and husband, to spare them. Little did she know, without her, they’d been lost.
The orange bottles in his palm gave some explanation to a lifetime of wondering, questioning, and feeling like he wasn’t enough. There had been days his mother had been bursting at the seams with energy and joy. On those days, they’d race around the backyard like banshees, fly kites, or splash in the river. Somehow, Derek had forgotten the other days. The ones where his mother was so withdrawn she’d lay in bed staring blindly at the ceiling. She had struggled with her illness, and the pills told him that she’d fought for normalcy.
Had she tried to deal with things on her own because she hadn’t wanted them to see her that way? He might never know the answers, but at least he had some sort of explanation. Some bit of closure.
He was sure his mother had left them for a reason, just as he’d lied to Janet, Paul, and Mary about his relationship with Izzy for a reason. He slumped forward and closed his eyes, releasing a pained breath. If Izzy hadn’t disobeyed his request, he’d still be living in the dark. Things between them had seemed too perfect and wonderful to be true. He’d been on pins and needles waiting for something to go wrong. When he’d found her in the office, Derek had been primed for a disagreement. He’d been so sure she’d end up breaking his heart, just like his mother. Izzy was right. The first opportunity he had to find a fault in their relationship, he used to shove her out of his life and avoid any future hurt.
“What have I done?” he whispered. Derek didn’t even know where Izzy lived, so how could he try to make amends?
There was someone who knew, though. Leaving the mess of paper and glass on the floor, he headed for the front door.
Derek drove to Silver Acres retirement home like a bat out of hell and then scanned the parking lot for Izzy’s car. He momentarily rested his forehead against the cold steering wheel. He had been so preoccupied on the drive that he’d forgotten to switch on the heater. A chill coursed through his veins, one that had nothing to do with the numbing winter. Izzy had been so upset, she’d probably traveled straight home. He prayed she was okay and cursed himself for the millionth time for being such an idiot.
He swung open the car door, faced a flash of glacial air, and crunched through the snow to the building. The elevator was overburdened with a line of family members carrying brightly wrapped holiday gifts and seniors dressed for the festive occasion, so Derek ran up the stairs. He arrived at Gram’s door breathless, lifted his hand, and knocked.
Some of the tension in his shoulders released when footsteps sounded on the other side of the wall and the door opened. At least he still had some connection to Izzy, and with it, the hope of finding her. Gram stood in the threshold wearing a long red dress, matching lipstick, and a puzzled expression.
“I knew that wasn’t my granddaughter’s knock.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Are you here to tell me why Izzy missed our Christmas lunch?”
“I’m the reason for it.” For a moment, Derek wasn’t sure if she’d let him in, but Gram stepped back, allowing him space to enter.
“I hope Izzy’s all right.” Gram turned and walked into the kitchen. “Take a seat. I’m fixing some drinks. You look like you dug your way out of a grave, boy.”
Derek sat on the couch, elbows on his knees, holding his pounding head in his hands. He sat up straight when Gram walked in carrying a tray with a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses. She was a pisser. He smiled despite himself. Silently, Gram filled both glasses, passed one to him, and tossed hers back. Derek followed suit, and the alcohol left a burning trail from throat to belly. Gram must have colorful stories to tell, because she’d downed the drink like summer sweet tea.
“Start talking,” she said and poured herself another shot. She settled back into her chair and looked at him with accusing eyes.
“She came to my doorstep two weeks ago as a temp assistant. I didn’t request one, and I definitely didn’t want one,” he began. Derek told Gram everything from the plot to deceive his family, to when he found her riffling through his mother’s drawers, to when he asked her to leave and never come back.
“You deserve a swift kick,” Gram said wryly. “But Izzy isn’t without fault. She should’ve respected your privacy and your request. The thing is, Izzy never wants anyone to hurt, especially those she cares about.”
“No one knows that better than me,” Derek said and scrubbed his hands over his face. They sat in silence for a few moments.
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” Gram said.
Derek met her eyes. “I want to find her, to talk to her. Apologize. Grovel. Will you tell me where she is so we can talk it through?”
“You’ve only known her for two weeks. Maybe you should get to know her better first.” One by one, Gram pulled out photo albums and scrapbooks. Derek flipped through them carefully, and a gangly little girl with braces and thick bangs stared back at him. Her delighted, innocent smile in each photo sent a pain through Derek’s heart.
“This was a wish book Izzy made when she was little.” Gram slid a glittery purple book decorated with stickers across the coffee table. “It pains me that I couldn’t give her those simple things.”
The first page was a picture of her mother, surrounded by magazine clippings of palm trees and sand.
“I’m a lot of things; naive isn’t one of them. My daughter’s a selfish woman. No matter how I begged, she wouldn’t take Izzy to see her home in Florida. I could barely get her to visit. How a little angel was born from her, I’ll never know.”
The next page was pictures of puppies circled in hearts. One breed was more prominent than the others, and he took note.
“What’s that one? The one with the bulging eyes that looks like it’s wearing a tux?” Derek asked.
“That’s a Boston. One day, I went alone to a terrier rescue to see how bad my allergies would flare. In moments, I couldn’t breathe. I was so disappointed.” Gram shook her head and for a moment looked utterly defeated.
“You’re her favorite person. The best thing about her childhood. You’ve never been a disappointment to her,” Derek reassured her, and Gram looked up at him, eyes glazed with tears. She blinked them back quickly, and then they were gone. “Please let me know where she is.”
Gram reluctantly wrote down Izzy’s address. “You have a lot of work to do.” Derek thanked her and started toward the door.
“I’m sure I don’t have to say this out loud,” Gram called from behind him. “But if you don’t fix this, I’ll skin you alive.” Derek turned, and Gram stood with her arms crossed and hip cocked.
“I don’t doubt it,” he said and heard her laughter all the way to the elevator.
Once in his car, Derek noticed an email from his agent asking for a draft of his next project before the New Year. He responded quickly that he couldn’t make the deadline—he had personal matters he needed to attend to first. Not only had he screwed up with Izzy, but he’d hurt his family in the process. For the first time, he was putting his family and his heart in first place. Izzy had helped him dream again, and those hopes and wishes centered around her. For one night, he’d been certain beyond doubt that they could make a relationship work. Now his fate hinged on Izzy’s willingness to forgive.