.
“Tell me everything you know about Justin.” Alex didn’t hesitate to ask Reuben the question the moment after Justin’s footsteps disappeared down the hall.
She was still trembling from the encounter they’d had, her heart still weeping for the damage that his deranged mother had done to him, the lies she’d embedded in his head until… perhaps they’d become true.
How a mother could condemn a child at birth didn’t make sense to Alex. How could a mother leave her child in such loneliness?
Hadn’t that been the case for herself? Her mother had left her, but if her mother had been anything like Justin’s, she was glad to be rid of her. No child deserved to hear the things the countess had called him.
Dirty.
What had the Viscount of Theems done to the woman to make her hate her own child so? Alex didn’t have to think long and hard. She’d encountered many a broken child at the orphanage. The faint of heart could not imagine the stories some of the children could tell about the parents who had brought them into the world or the loved ones who had abused them before ultimately giving them away.
Alex had never felt safer knowing she’d grown up in Best Home until Justin’s confession.
That his mother would trip her son down the stairs for stopping his sister’s tears…
Fire burned in her belly and anger made her tighten her fist. She wanted to lash out at the woman who’d hurt Justin, to make her feel his agony. He’d been unable to touch women for so long, probably never knowing a caring touch until Mrs. Shaw had come along.
Alex was almost inclined not to hate the woman. At least there had been someone to place a loving hand on him when he needed it most, to hold him.
But she wondered if Mrs. Shaw knew all of Justin’s secrets. She must, because it was clear that Justin knew hers. They shared a darkness, it seemed.
But what was Justin’s secret? What was he keeping from her?
Alex had avoided any talk of Justin’s past where her brothers were concerned. She’d wanted the truth to come from Justin, and he’d nearly crushed her under what he’d said today. She wanted to hold him. She’d wanted to make his pain go away and share whatever light he saw within her.
She wanted to give him her heart.
If he didn’t already hold possession of it.
But before she could give in, before she could give another man everything, she had to know the truth about him.
“He should let him tell you himself.”
Alex blinked and looked up into her brother’s eyes. Their green hue seemed darker in the dim light from the single lantern that was lit. Darkness had taken over the sky as a storm continued its approach at a slow and leisurely pace, casting shadows everywhere and highlighting the aggressively hard planes of Reuben’s naturally tanned face. No matter what the season, Reuben stayed a Mediterranean color, a gold that made his green eyes that much more pronounced.
That he’d come back from the war unscarred was a miracle, though Alex sensed something inside of him was… unsettled.
Days ago, he’d been hard on her about her attraction to Justin, almost condemning it. Now he sat before her, closemouthed, when he was the one who could save her from yet another broken heart.
And he’d decided to say nothing? “What?” she whispered accusingly.
Reuben pressed his lips together and said, “Perhaps I was wrong about him.”
Alex’s eyes widened. “What makes you say that?”
Reuben stared at his hands as though he’d never seen them before. “His actions speak louder than the whispers.” He closed his hands and looked at her. “And he needs you. He needs you to try.”
“Try what?” she asked.
“Try to love him as he is.” Reuben leaned back and looked away. “He needs you to keep being you.”
“Why?” She was surprised by how furious she sounded and wasn’t sure where her anger truly lay. With the countess? With Justin? With Reuben? With herself and her stupid heart that seemed to seek out the most broken of souls?
That was where the truth lay. She was mad at herself.
“I tried once,” she said once she’d calmed. “I failed with Michael.”
“You didn’t fail Michael. He failed himself.” Reuben looked at her, those green eyes full of something she couldn’t define. Clarity, maybe. “And you didn’t fail me or Chris or Nash. We were broken, too, but you just didn’t see it. You hounded us until we let you in.” He broke away from her gaze and stood, walking a few paces away before giving her his back.
Alex clung to the chair to keep from going to him. Already, she could feel the tears burning at the back of her eyes once more. Hadn’t she cried enough already? She’d never thought of her brothers as broken. All she’d seen was a brooding group of boys she wanted to make smile.
She covered her mouth as the truth hit her.
“We’re still broken in a way, but you keep back the shadows,” Reuben went on. “It’s what you do, Alexandra. It’s what you’ve been doing your whole life. God only knows where you got the talent from.”
“But I was nothing but annoying,” she reminded him. “You boys hardly tolerated me.”
“Because we wanted the darkness, Alexandra.” He turned to look at her and said, “Any light we have is because of your unyielding kindness.”
“Not true,” she whispered as she got to her feet. “You’ve all protected me my entire life. You’ve more light in you than you know,” she added fervently.
He smiled at her and laughed. “You don’t even see it, do you? You’re doing it right now.”
She closed her mouth and straightened.
He went on, “No one cared for us. The men and women we grew up with can still barely stand Christmas.”
Alex knew that was true. Chris was a very complicated man. There were times Alex could still feel him trying to push her away, but he never succeeded because Alex wouldn’t let him. She knew when to stay out of Chris’ way and when to push back. Most of the time, she pushed until he cursed and gave in.
How could someone not love him?
“Why do you think we protect you?” Reuben said. “Why do you think we’d do anything for you? For Rose? For Alicia? You taught us to care for others, to care for anything, Alexandra. To three boys who’d lost the only woman who ever cared for them, you were the one who tried to make it right.”
She didn’t have to guess at who the woman was that they’d lost. Mary Elizabeth Best had been mother and friend to everyone who’d known her. Mary Francis, on the other hand… she’d come around once they’d grown too old to complain, but she’d never been in possession of that tender heart like her sister.
She was weeping again when she ran over and wrapped her arms around Reuben.
His arms came around her and pulled her close. “Besides, it wouldn't have mattered what I said in the end,” he whispered against her hair. “You’ve have gone after the earl either way.”
Her heart fell at the truth of those words. She couldn’t turn her back on Justin. Her very soul wouldn’t let her. It yearned for him more than she’d ever yearned for anything in her entire life.
When they finally pulled away from one another, Alex could hear a clock in the distance announcing the hour for dinner.
“We should go before we’re barred from the dining hall,” she whispered with a sniff.
Reuben smiled down at her and led the way from the room.