36

sebastian

 

“You got everything?” I asked Greyson, as I leaned against the doorframe of his room.

He was still there, but given the condition of his room, it felt like he was already gone. The dirty clothes usually strewn across the floor were missing, his closet was empty, and his laptop was gone from the desk. I was glad I wouldn’t be here to witness him really being gone. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle the quiet. After two months, I’d forgotten what it was like.

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding and slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “I still wish I was going with you, though.”

“I know, kid.”

I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and steered him out of the bedroom, shutting off the light and heading to the basement stairs.  

After what Tabby had said about him being better off with me, even on tour, I did consider it. But thanks to the courts taking their time to grant me my paternal rights, I still wasn’t legally allowed to make any decisions regarding his schooling. It fucking sucked, but the law is the law.

“How does your aunt feel about taking Dweezil until I get home?” I asked, chuckling to myself about the idea of Tabby having to take care of a ten-week-old puppy.

“Oh, she’s thrilled. Can’t wait,” and he laughed as we reached the top of the stairs and the yellow Lab began to yap tirelessly from his living room crate. “She’s going to especially love that sound. Maybe she’ll be cooler about letting me play my drums when she’s listening to Dweezy all night.”

I couldn’t get Greyson a tattoo for his sixteenth birthday—not without legal guardianship. So, I got him a puppy instead, although I will admit the dog was mostly for me. Greyson’s just the guy I use to clean up after him, under the guise of him needing more chores around the house. Greyson had disagreed with that sentiment, but he was happy to have Dweezil.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one, kid,” I laughed, entering the living room and releasing Dweezil from his crate. The puppy took off in a yellow blur toward the kitchen. “Take him out and let him pee before we hit the road, okay?”

“Yep,” Greyson replied, grabbing Dweezil’s leash and chasing after him.

Dropping down to the couch, I let my head fall back as I grabbed my phone and checked for messages. My sisters were teasing me about seeing Tabby for the first time since the shit hit the fan. Asking if I was ready to have my balls handed back to me yet, to which I replied, “She never had them in the first place,” but that was a lie and we all knew it. Still, they were kind and didn’t rub it in too much.

The guys were all excited to be back on the road, especially Dev and Ky, but it was easier for them. What were they leaving behind? Even their cat went on the road with us. I fantasized about my time of having no strings attached, with nothing to ground me back home, and I can’t say I missed it. But, fuck, it hurt to think I wouldn’t see Greyson, outside of video chatting, until Halloween.

I had promised I’d see him, and that we could do something cool. I was going to keep that promise.

Scrolling through my phone, there was a message from Tabby. I opened it with a touch of reluctance, the way I always opened her messages. They never said anything other than a question about Greyson, or a curt “how are you,” but I always imagined that maybe one day, she’d tell me she changed her mind. Or maybe that she’d take back that one little word that had crushed my soul weeks ago. She never did though, and every time, I’d still find myself disappointed, but at least she was talking to me. As long as she was talking, I told myself there was hope.

 

  Tabby: Drive safe. Can’t wait to see you guys.

 

I stared at the message for way longer than necessary. A well wish. A can’t wait to see you. It might’ve meant nothing, and yet, it felt as though it could mean everything.

Greyson came in from the backyard with Dweezil leading the way. I asked if he peed, and Greyson nodded. “He pooped too,” he informed me, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank God. The last thing I wanted was for my car to smell like dog shit.”

 

***

 

We drove into Hog Hill like it was a memory from a long time ago. It felt hazy, and yet, all too familiar. Greyson confirmed he felt the same way, commenting on how it was weird being back, after spending virtually the entire summer in my house and with my family.

“It’ll feel normal again in a few days,” I assured him. “It always feels weird coming home from the road, but before I know it, I’m happy as fuck to be sleeping in my own bed again. And cooking. Shit, I’m really going to miss cooking all the time.”

“I don’t think there’s any way I’m going to be happy sleeping in that crappy old bed again,” Greyson mumbled.

Passing through main street and driving by TC Real Estate, I thought of popping in, the way I had that first day. I wanted to say hi to Jess and Alex, for no other reason than to ask how Tabby had been all this time, if she and Roman had seen each other. Fuck, maybe they were even together, dating exclusively and getting ready to elope on some private island somewhere.

I never asked Greyson about what she’d been doing, and he never told me. It was better I didn’t know, but that never stopped me from wondering, and right now, I was wondering a lot.

We pulled up to her house and Greyson sighed. “I’m not ready,” he mumbled, and I reached out to grip the back of his neck.

“It’s going to be fine,” I promised, but what was I promising? That school wouldn’t suck? That it wouldn’t be weird readjusting to his aunt’s house? I didn’t know that either of those things wouldn’t happen, so the promise felt empty and cruel.

“What if she talks shit about you?” he asked, not a question I was expecting. “What am I supposed to do?”

“She won’t,” I told him, knowing her better than that. “She wouldn’t put you in that position.”

“She better not,” he grumbled.

I hated that he had taken sides. “Don’t give her a hard time, kid,” I warned.

“Well, then she better not talk shit about you,” he reasoned with a nonchalant shrug.

Getting out of the car and grabbing Greyson’s stuff from the trunk, I looked out toward the house of the woman I loved. God, it was still weird to say that—that I loved someone. It felt so serious, so real. It gave her so much power over me. She was in every movie I watched, every song I listened to. I couldn’t sleep without imagining her in my bed, or shower without imagining her long, red hair between my fingers.

I felt obsessed and fucked up. Why the hell is this feeling coveted? I didn’t feel complete, or good; I felt ruined.

Greyson grabbed Dweezil and his leash, and we took the daunting walk up to the front door. I used the key I still had and pushed the door open, allowing Greyson to lead the way.

“Aunt Tabs?” He called into the house and up the stairs, as I walked into the living room.

It looked different. Lived-in. I took in the Converse laying on the floor, tucked into little pockets of space beside the couch or under the coffee table. The records, lying on the end tables or on the mantel. There was a small pile of discarded matches beside the Fresh Linen candle and even a half-full glass of something beside the couch, a red lip-print on its brim.

I couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t know if this was a tailspin, or just the evidence of her relaxing, but I appreciated the humanity of it. Knowing I had played a part. Should I have felt guilty for that? Because I didn’t.

I turned around to catch Greyson bend over to unleash Dweezil, and I shook my head, stepping forward. “Wait. Don’t let him off until he’s—”

“He’s fine.”

Whirling on my heel, I turned around to see Tabby emerging from the back of the house.

Something I had learned about love was, I couldn’t discern between reality and fantasy, not when I was thinking about her. Was her hair really as gorgeous as I remembered? Were her eyes really such a vibrant green? Was fucking her really that incredible? But here, I could answer two of those questions with a resounding yes, and that last one, well … I would’ve thrown her down right there to find out, if I knew she wouldn’t knee me in the nuts.

Her long, red hair was hanging in curtained waves over her t-shirt. God, I couldn’t help but smile at the simple fact that she was wearing a t-shirt, and a Breaking Benjamin one at that. It was a tour shirt that read the current year, and I began to wonder, until I noticed her leg-emphasizing shorts and the cursive font etched into her flesh. I couldn’t read it from where I stood, but I was dying to know what it said.

“Hey, Thumbelina.” I didn’t mean to use the nickname, but my tongue had a mind of its own.

“Hi,” she uttered the simple word. It felt so good to hear her voice. Like taking a breath of air, after being suffocated nearly to the brink of death.

“You look good,” I commented, completely forgetting that Greyson was standing right behind me with Dweezil itching to get the hell off his leash.

“Greyson,” she said, speaking around me and ignoring the compliment, “I said you can let him off his leash. Just watch where he’s going and make sure he doesn’t chew on anything, okay?”

I didn’t know if Greyson nodded, smiled, or gave her the finger. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. That little witch … It had been weeks and she still had me under her spell.

“Do you still have stuff in the car?”

I didn’t know who she was asking, but I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll bring in the rest.”

“I’ll help.” I realized she must have been talking to me, because she began to walk toward the door, as though leading the way. When I didn’t follow, too busy shamelessly watching her ass move in those tight, hip-hugging shorts, she turned and narrowed her steely glare. “Let’s go.”

With a single nod, I looked at Greyson, who was already looking at me with sympathy, and I gave him an encouraging lopsided grin that I couldn’t feel if I tried. “We’ll be right back.”

Tabby and I walked to the car in silence, and it wasn’t until we stood next to the open trunk that she looked up into my gaze. The anger in her eyes was unrelenting.

“I know you told Greyson about us.”

“Oh.” It was all I could say, as I diverted my stare to the car.

“You had absolutely no right to do that without consulting me first,” she lectured, her tone cold and even.

I bobbed my head solemnly. “I know, and I’m sorry if that puts you into an awkward-as-hell position, but I knew the likelihood of us being civil with one another for a while was unlikely. So, I did what I thought was best.”

With a tight breath through her nose, I was relieved to find her nodding. “I understand that, but you still had no right to talk shit about me behind my—”

I held up a hand, making her stop. “Tabby, I have never talked shit about you. You can ask Greyson. I never wanted him to take sides, and I think I’ve been really good in trying to enforce that. So, whatever problems he gives you, if any, that has absolutely nothing to do with me.”

“You know, as much as I’d love to believe that, you’ll understand why I’m finding that really difficult to do right now.”

“Sure. I already know better than to expect you’ll listen to anything I have to say,” I jabbed lightly.

Allowing me the final word, she turned to face the open the trunk and looked at my pile of suitcases. “Are all of these coming in?”

“Nah, just this. The rest of his stuff is already inside.” I reached into the trunk, pulling out a bag of Greyson’s dirty laundry. “I didn’t have time to wash these before we left.”

“It’s fine. I’ll do them.” She nodded, taking the bag from me.

I closed the trunk and rounded to the backseat, pulling out the puppy’s fold-away crate, and I was rewarded with an airy chuckle from her.

“I gotta tell you, I didn’t expect you’d actually get a dog,” she mentioned lightly, folding her arms over her chest.

“I wasn’t lying about the life I wanted,” I said, taking her back to that last night in Central Park. “Just because I couldn’t have some of it, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try for the rest.”

She hummed thoughtfully, and asked, “Are you okay?”

I snorted, lifting the corner of my mouth into a rueful crooked smile. “I will be eventually. Some time on the road will be good, I think. How about you?”

She reluctantly nodded. “I took some time off work and did a little traveling. It helped a little bit. I just, um …” She scraped her teeth over her bottom lip, dropping her gaze and fumbling with her hands before looking back to me. “I really just needed some time to deal with things myself, I think. I was drowning my sadness in work, and distractions, and … you … And I really just needed to clear my head and cope on my own, in my own way.”

“Yeah, I get that,” I told her.

“Thanks for being so cool about this,” she continued quietly. “I didn’t think you would be, after everything …”

“Well, I’m a pretty cool guy.” I smiled. “Thank you for not hating me.”

The noticeable bob in her throat told me far more than she was willing to emit. “I am far from hating you, Sebastian.”

 

***

 

“Okay, kid, give me a hug,” I finally said to Greyson after stalling for way too long, “I have to hit the road. Gotta get to Devin’s.”

Tabby asked the question with her eyes, and I replied, “I’m driving to his place and staying the night. We have a show in Hartford tomorrow night, and he doesn’t live too far from there.”

She nodded. “Okay, well, break a leg.”

“Don’t say that shit to me,” I glowered at her, standing up.

“What? It’s meant to be for good luck,” she insisted incredulously.

“I know what it means, but it’d be my fucking luck that I actually would break my legs and I need these fuckers to actually do my job.” I smacked my thighs. “Otherwise, I’d be back home and pissed off and nobody wants to deal with that.”

“Okay, fine …” She rolled her eyes. “Well, then, good luck.”

“Thank you,” I bowed my head to her, wishing I could just grab her and make out right there. Instead, I turned to Greyson and outstretched my arms. He hesitated, pulling his lips between his teeth and dropping his gaze to the floor. “Come on, Grey. Don’t make it harder for me here.”

Stepping forward, he pushed against my chest, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his head to my shoulder. I hugged him, imprinting this feeling to my bones. My throat strangled around a surge of emotion and my chest pulled tight.

“Fuck,” I swallowed, tightening my arms against his shoulders. “I’m gonna miss you, kid.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Dad,” he breathed. “Can I call you tonight?”

I grabbed his shoulders, pushing him away from me to glare directly into his eyes. “Don’t ever ask me that question. You call me whenever the fuck you want, okay?”

“What if you’re playing?”

“Then I’ll call back as soon as I can,” I promised, and he nodded.

I pulled him to me again, kissing his forehead in a way that would’ve had me rolling my eyes at my own parents. But Greyson didn’t even flinch. His throat bobbed again, his eyes brimming with tears.

“I love you, kid.”

“Love you too, Dad.”

Pushing an exhale from my lips, I shook my head. “Okay, we need to stop. You’re going to make me all emotional and I can’t deal with that shit.”

We laughed as I clapped him on the shoulder, before turning to Tabby. “Thumbelina, am I getting a hug from you, or is that completely out of the question?”

Rolling her eyes, she muttered, “You get one hug and that’s it.”

She stepped forward and blessed me with her touch as she wrapped her arms around my waist. I know she didn’t give me permission, I know she probably didn’t even want it, but I tipped my lips to kiss the top of her hair, and I swore I felt her arms hold me a little tighter.

“You know, I don’t want to be a presumptuous dick or anything, but I think you’re going to miss me,” I mumbled against the top of her head.

That’s when she unwrapped her arms, folded them over her chest, and stepped away from me. “Then don’t be a presumptuous dick. Drive safe.”

“Yep.” I nodded, offering her a small smile.

I looked between the two of them, realizing that having someone to come home to, also meant having someone to leave, and God, that made it all so much harder. But so worth it.

“Shit.” I cleared my throat. “If I don’t get the fuck out of here, I’ll be calling those guys and telling them to find another drummer. Okay, I’m leaving.”

With quick goodbyes and one last hug to Greyson, I forced myself to leave, hoping the next two months would fly by as fast as the summer had. Time on the road usually seemed to move quickly, but that was before I had people to rely on me and people to miss, and that … Well, that made the drive alone to Devin’s house drag, and I could only imagine how the rest of my time away would be.