Evaline
The lights were off, the estate now dark as everyone went to their rooms. I could hear a few doors closing and then silence. I laid in my bed, my heart thumping wildly for some reason.
Wait, actually, I knew the reason.
I was only two doors away from Nikolay.
My heart thumped harder at the thought, just like always whenever I thought of him. When my eyes would find his, it still felt like the first time I had gazed into his face. The same bolt of electricity, the same shiver…every time felt like the first.
Every look felt like the first look.
And every touch was just as good as the first, if not better.
The same emotion clawed at my throat, wanting to be let out. My heart wanted me to feel and let go. He was only two doors away. I could go to him. Maybe he was waiting for me.
Or maybe not.
Seven years ago, he would have been waiting for me. His doors unlocked, his naked body half covered by the bedsheet, as he waited for me to silently come into his room. And then we would make love in the darkness of the night until next morning.
Just wrapped in each other’s arms, cocooned in each other’s love. Just us.
And now, he avoided my eyes every time he could. He kept himself hidden in shadows, so that nobody could touch him, see him, hold him.
One moment we had everything and the next, we lost it all.
Thump thump.
My heart continued to beat for him.
Thump thump.
My breathing accelerated with the possibilities. Would he push me away again?
He used me whenever and however he wanted. Nikolay would always come to me during his darkest moments. He would take me, use me, and then disappear into the shadows again, leaving me empty in the midst of my broken love for him.
Until the next time he lost control.
Thump thump.
I needed him tonight. Maybe I could use him this time—an excuse to hold him while I could. I wanted to give him the love he needed but was trying so hard to fight.
Thump thump.
I pressed my hand over my chest before taking a deep breath. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, my decision was made.
Without a second thought, I jumped out of bed. Get your inner badass bitch out and go claim your man.
My feet were light against the wooden floor as I walked out of my bedroom and made my way to his.
One step ahead. Another step forward. And repeat, until I was standing outside Nikolay’s room.
Thump thump.
My palms felt sweaty, and I licked my lips nervously. Wait, why the fuck was I nervous?
Shaking my head, I scowled at his door. It wasn’t like this was our first time. Hell no, we had been doing this for a long time now.
Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t see him for months—five months to be exact. The last time I had seen him, he had fucked me in my bed and left without a word. Just like always.
Our once beautiful love story was now tainted. No longer a love story. Just broken moments between us. Shattered hearts that left both of us drowning in the fucked-up mess of love.
But tonight…it was going to be different.
“Well, I fucking hope it is,” I muttered to myself, still scowling at his door. “God, woman. Get yourself together and stop acting like a fifteen-year-old virgin.”
I patted my hair down and bit on my lips, trying to give it a more reddish color and look plump. “Time for mission impossible, babe.”
But my words were drowned by a sudden, muffled scream.
My eyes widened, and I took a step forward, almost plastering my body against the door. There was another scream, it sounded almost tortured. And so broken.
My heart ached at the sound, and without thinking, I turned the doorknob. I knew the door would be open. He hated being confined in a room. It took him months to finally be able to close his door, but he never locked it.
The doors were always partially open, never fully closed.
It gave him a sense of freedom. He needed it. Nikolay craved it.
I walked inside and closed the door behind me. My eyes found Nikolay in the darkness. The small lamp on his nightstand barely cast any light.
Another scream made me flinch, and my eyes blurred with tears at the sight of my man fighting against invisible chains—monsters.
His body thrashed around on his bed, the bedsheet twisted around his ankles as he fought his torturers in his sleep.
“No!” His fingers clawed at his throat, his legs kicking out in desperation. He cried out again. My heart cracked at how raw and painful his cries sounded.
Without thinking, I lurched forward and ran to his side.
The warning bells rang loud in my ears, telling me what a big mistake this was. But I didn’t care.
With a knee on the bed, I leaned over him. My fingers dug into his shoulders as I tried to shake him awake.
“Nik. Nikolay. Nikolay, baby, open your eyes,” I begged, my tears now falling in endless streams down my cheeks. “Lyubov moya.”
His screams turned into an angry growl, and before I could blink, his body moved swiftly and quickly.
I found myself underneath him, his legs straddling my hips with his fingers wrapped around my throat.
Nikolay didn’t give me a chance to speak. His fingers tightened, blocking my air passage as I struggled against his hold. I choked and sputtered, trying to cry out. Desperate for him to hear me and snap out of whatever nightmare he was going through.
My vision blurred with my unshed tears, and finally, his eyes snapped open. He stared at me, looking confused at first.
“It’s…okay. You…are okay. We are okay…it was just…a…nightmare,” I tried to choke out. My hands released his and went around his shoulders. “You…are safe. You are okay.”
My touch was featherlight, a soft touch, a gentle caress as I waited for him to come back fully to his senses.
His gaze moved from my red face to his hand around my neck, and his eyes widened in horror. “Fuck!” he swore, quickly pulling away from me. He rubbed a hand over his face in an agitated manner before leveling me with a glare.
I held my neck and gasped for air, my throat burning so bad I could barely swallow.
“How many times do I have to tell you not to touch me when I am like this?” he snapped, his black eyes looking even darker and more dangerous with his fury. “I could have hurt you! Damn it!”
I rubbed my throat and shook my head. My heart drummed harder like the wings of a caged bird. My voice was suddenly gone, my tears just rolling down my cheeks as I stared at Nikolay.
He looked so angry…and so tortured. His body was covered in sweat, his breathing harsher, and his chest heaved with each labored breath.
He looked like he just escaped hell. In some ways, he just did.
For most of us, when we sleep, we relax and just float away. For Nikolay, the demons hunted him down even in his sleep.
His torturers were long gone but still haunted him. As if they were right here, next to him—hurting him.
It hurt…not because my throat was sore, but I hurt for him. And I just wished he would let me hold him. Just for once. I wanted him to share his pain with me, to let me take some of the burden, but I saw how his expression shuttered when I didn’t answer.
Nikolay retrieved back into himself, his expression turning cold and dark. Vicious. He looked almost frightening. His scars looked more pronounce and deeper, like they were fresh and not fully healed yet.
His eyes were darker, almost looking soulless.
Everyone else would have been scared. I wasn’t.
I welcomed it because I knew, beneath all those scars and the raging façade was a gentle man who once called me Beauty.
“I was trying to wake you up. It was a really bad nightmare,” I said finally. My voice came out croaky and too soft for my own ears. “I was worried you would hurt yourself.”
He scoffed, his gaze quickly going to my neck before meeting mine again. “What are you doing here?” he finally asked, his glare almost causing me to shiver.
Taken aback by the question, I sat up against the headboard and tried to think of an appropriate answer. Whatever I had in mind had just disappeared into thin air. The situation was different now that he just woke up from a nightmare.
He rubbed his head before digging his fingers into his scalp in frustration. His once buzz cut hair has grown a little longer. Enough for him to pull on them.
His arms fell to his sides again as he knelt beside my body. His fingers clenched into fists and then unclenched again. His teeth grinded together, and I saw a muscle tick in his jaw as he clenched it too tight.
“Why are you here?” he asked again, his time his voice louder. I knew he was about to lose whatever control he had left. “Answer the fucking question, Evaline.”
I could no longer hold his eyes, instead my gaze shifted to his chest. “You know why,” I whispered.
“You came here to be fucked?” he sneered, his body inching closer to mine.
I flinched at his tone and the way his words were thrown at me. “Your pussy miss being used, Evaline?”
“Nikolay—” I started, but my sentence was cut short when he grabbed my ankle and pulled.
A shocked yelp escaped me when I found myself on my back, with his huge body looming over mine. My throat suddenly felt dry, and I could only stare into his mesmerizing eyes.
I always found myself lost in the depths of those beautiful dark irises.
Without much of an effort, he ripped my nightdress, peeling it away. Nikolay pushed himself up, until his lower body was cradled between my spread legs. “I’ll give you exactly what you came here for. I’ll fuck your pretty cunt until you can’t walk for days.”
I was powerless against his words, and my body wasn’t my own anymore. His hands trailed down my torso, moving south toward my pussy.
Everything else that happened minutes ago was long forgotten.
We were both lost in a lustful euphoria.
I was already wet, weeping for him. I squirmed underneath his hard body, needing him to touch me everywhere. His fingers grazed my clit, and I threw my head back, my body jolting with a moan.
“I have barely touched you and you’re already so fucking wet,” he growled in approval, his thumb now working over my clit.
He dragged a finger over my slit before his palm cupped me roughly. “What do you want, Evaline? Tell me.”
“I…I…want…no, I need…”
My words were lost when he took my tiny nub between his thumb and forefinger, giving me a soft pinch. “Fuck,” I swore, my hips pushing against his fingers for more.
My hand went behind his neck, pulling his head toward me. My mouth slammed against his for a hard kiss. My lips parted, and his shoved his tongue into mouth, taking control of the kiss.
I needed his touch, his kisses—just like I knew he craved mine.
While his thumb played with my clit just the way I liked it, he pushed a finger inside me, stretching my walls. I moaned into his kiss, moving my hips with his fingers.
He inched another finger inside me, working both fingers in and out, pumping harder with each thrust.
When his fingers slipped out, he dragged a disappointed mewl from me. I felt empty, but not for long, when his length bumped against my throbbing opening.
I bit on his lips and then kissed him harder. His wet fingers circled my nipples, tweaking the hardened buds. I cried out at the sensation, my hips thrusting upward.
Nikolay dragged his cock against my folds, back and forth. Again and again, but never entering me. He continued to torture me, running his hard length up and down my wet folds. I could feel myself dripping, and yet he refused to give me what I needed.
I trembled underneath his body as my legs spread wider, his hips pressing into mine. “Please…”
Finally, he tore his lips away from mine, and our eyes locked. The tip of him teased my opening, and I shuddered in pleasure.
His hand inched upward until his fingers were wrapped around my throat. My eyes widened, and I grabbed his wrist.
He didn’t give me a chance to think. With a powerful, relentless thrust, he drove into my willing pussy.
I cried out, my hips bucking upward, trying to dislodge him as he stretched me almost painfully. My fingers desperately clawed at his shoulders.
He continued to thrust into me, pounding me hard. My ankles locked behind his back as I surrendered to him.
He quickly found his stride as he tilted my hips upward, my ass leaving the bed as he continued to slam into me.
With his cock buried to the hilt, he paused. I was stretched impossibly full. It almost hurt but I loved the burn.
“It doesn’t matter how many times I have taken you. Countless times, over and over again. Your pussy is still as tight and grips my cock just as perfectly, as the first time I fucked you.” His voice lowered to a possessive growl. “Remember when I popped your cherry?”
With my gaze on his, I felt myself smile. “How can I forget? It was the best night of my life, lyubov moya.”
My love.
His face softened for a second before he lost the loving look again. Nikolay pulled out of me, and I moaned in response, pulling him closer again. He drove into me again with a punishing thrust.
I winced, but I was so wet, practically gushing around him, that it wasn’t as painful. Another trust and I screamed in pleasure, my body tightening as he continued to use me. With his hand around my throat, he pulled me up until I was straddling him.
His cock slipped out almost fully before slamming into me again. “Shhh, be quiet. You don’t want your brother to hear me fucking this tight pussy, do you?”
I buried my face into his neck, my teeth marking his skin, trying so hard to muffle my cries. I closed my eyes and gave myself to him…letting him fuck me senseless in however way he wanted.
His fingers around my throat tightened as he fucked me like an animal. His grunts drove me over the edge, and when I felt his cock swell inside of me, I knew he was close.
His thrusting became faster and harder. With his other arm around my hips, he pulled me down on his hard length at the same time he would thrust upward.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” I screamed into his neck.
I realized…Nikolay wasn’t just fucking me.
He was hate-fucking me. Taking all his anger out in the only way he knew how. He fucked me raw and deep…filled with passion but also with so much hate.
I was rendered powerless as he continued to ram himself into me. Again and again. I bucked into his arms. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to stop or if I was begging him for more.
“You will be the death of me,” he whispered in my ear, his voice hard and strained—filled with dark lust. His fingers released my hips and traveled south between our bodies.
I squeezed my eyes closed, the pleasure too much to bear. A strangled moan ripped from my throat when he pushed his thumb hard against my little bundle of nerves. It was my point of pleasure. I rolled my hips with each of his thrust, matching his movements. I was stretched tightly, almost forcefully around his hard length, and my clit throbbed.
I was close…so fucking close…
I just needed…
My body shook as he buried himself deep inside of me again with a brutal thrust. It felt like I was being split open as I cried out, my orgasm hitting me harder than I could imagine.
My vision blurred, and I continued to milk his cock as he found his release too. I felt his hard length throbbing inside me, stretching me as he pumped his release into me.
His groan made my head spin. The feel of him coating my inner walls, filling me with his own cum, drove me over the edge again. When his thumb pulled at my clit, demanding another orgasm from me, I gave it to him.
I never wanted it to end.
I clenched around his cock, wanting him to stay deep within me.
His fingers finally released their vise grip around my throat, and my head laid limply against his neck, completely spent.
I felt our mixed cum drip between us, coating my inner thighs with our pleasure. Still shuddering from my orgasm, I clenched around him again.
I gasped when I felt him starting to pull out. My arms tightened around his back, and I placed a soft kiss on the side of his neck, right over his scar while my fingers gently traced the scars on his back.
“No,” I whispered. My hips moved against his as I continued to work him in my pussy.
I was impossibly full and wanted more. Nikolay growled low in his chest, and he grabbed hold of my hips before pulling me off him.
I whimpered, my eyes going between us where we were still joined. I watched as he pulled me off, watching his cock leave my pussy and his release trickling down between my legs.
I gasped when he left my body, feeling strangely empty. Nikolay pushed me on the bed and stood up. My legs were still spread wide, my body limp and too tired to move a muscle.
His gaze went between my legs, and I saw the heated look he gave me, but then his lips curled up in anger. Confused, I could only stare up at him.
“You can leave now,” he said, his voice rough, deep, and just so perfect from our recent fucking.
But I didn’t have a chance to love his voice when his words registered through my foggy brain. “What?” I asked. How fucking dumb of you, Evaline.
I struggled into a sitting position, my body sore. He used me savagely, and I loved it. But now…
He shifted his focus from my body to my eyes. “I said you can leave. The door is right there.” He nodded toward the door.
I stared dumbly at it before moving my gaze back to the man standing in front of me, in all his naked glory. My eyes went to his semi-hard cock, which was wet with signs of our pleasure. The tingling between my pussy didn’t stop, and I shook my head.
My eyes blinked in confusion as I wrapped the bedsheet around my body and stood up. My legs wobbled, and I almost went down. Nikolay moved forward, grabbing me by the hips and helping me find my footing again.
When I went to lean into his body, he stepped away, leaving me cold and empty. Nikolay turned around, giving me his back. I saw my red harsh lines where I had savagely dragged my nails. His skin was scratched raw. I watched him quickly pull on his sweatpants, my mind still foggy.
“What do you mean?” I asked. Actually, I knew what he meant. It was always like this. He would find me, fuck me, and then leave.
Only difference was this time I came to him. But he still fucked me. And now he was making me leave.
The blissful moment that I was completely lost in seconds ago was now shattered.
He turned to face me, his expression so cold—almost deadly. I shivered and brought the sheet closer to my body, seeking comfort from it.
“You came here to be fucked, and I gave your greedy cunt what it needed. Now you can fucking leave, Evaline. We both got what we wanted,” he hissed.
Forget about hurting for him…all of a sudden, I was blinded by anger, and I lurched forward. His body was stiff as he stood still.
When my palm met his cheek, he didn’t even flinch. The corner of his lips bled, and he touched the cut.
His expression thundered with fury, and he grabbed me by the neck before slamming me against the wall. “I would suggest you never hit me again, Evaline. You won’t like the result. I’ll let it go this time,” he growled low.
“I am not a whore or someone you buy from a fucking prostitution ring, Nikolay. So don’t treat me like one,” I hissed back, fighting unshed tears.
How dared he? His words had cut deeper than he could imagine.
You came here to be fucked, and I gave your greedy cunt what it needed. Now you can fucking leave, Evaline. We both got what we wanted.
He spoke as if I was someone cheap…only be used for someone’s pleasure.
“But isn’t that exactly what we’ve been doing for the last couple of years, Evaline?” he sneered into my face, his lips curled up in anger.
Why are you angry? I wanted to scream. What have I done?
“Beauty,” I whispered, a single tear falling down my cheek. It made a wet trail, and Nikolay’s eyes tracked it.
His jaw clenched, and I could almost hear his teeth grinding together.
“Evaline. I used you and you let me…what exactly does that make you, huh? I won’t be surprised if you’re fucking around. In my book, that makes you a filthy whore. So don’t be offended when I call you one,” he whispered harshly into my ear.
My lungs squeezed as I fought for breath, his words cutting me deeper.
This was not the man who called me Beauty.
This was not the man who made sweet love to me.
“You are so fucking stubborn, Nikolay! Just stop it,” I almost screamed. “Please,” my words turned to begging.
His fingers released my neck, and I slumped against the wall, watching him take a step away.
“You know damn well that you’re the only man I have ever been with. The only man who has ever touched me. You’re the only man who has ever made love to me—or, in your case, fucked me,” I whispered now. My words came out so soft, sounding so broken even to my own ears.
“Too bad, you aren’t the only woman I have fucked.”
My heart slammed to a stop, and I plastered myself against the wall, hoping it would shield me away from Nikolay’s cruel words.
“What did you say?” I murmured, watching his face—watching for any lie.
“Evaline, your pussy isn’t so special that I only want to fuck it alone. I have had plenty of women over the last few years who kept me company,” he said with a dry laugh.
My fingers curled into fists at my sides, my nails biting hard into my palms.
“You’re lying,” I whispered. “I know you are lying.”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not.”
I stayed silent, my eyes boring into his. Swiping away the tears, I opened my mouth to say something, but then snapped it shut again.
Me, who never ran out of words, was now speechless.
“Leave,” he said, pointing at the door.
I stared at him before taking in a shaky breath. “I have known you for eleven years. I have loved you for eleven years, Nikolay. I know you better than anyone else. When you were brought back to us, I knew we would never be the same again. I knew that, and I accepted it. Seven years and I am still fighting for you,” I whispered.
“Even when you push me away, I’m still here. I’m still waiting for you, just like I promised before.” I paused and wiped away from tears. “I am still waiting. Why can’t you see that?”
“I never asked you to wait,” he replied quietly.
Closing my eyes, I brought a hand to my lips—trying hard to hold back my cries. I thought I was strong; I thought I could be strong for both of us.
But with each day, I became weaker, my heart becoming more fragile.
Until it was completely broken.
He turned away from me, facing the other wall. The muscles in his back were rigid. The scars looked hauntingly beautiful, and I choked back a sob.
I loved him…even when he was being a fucking beast, I loved him.
“Then tell me you don’t love me,” I murmured into the darkness of the room.
His hands curled into fists, his shoulders straightening like he had been hit.
“I don’t love you.”
I rubbed my chest, trying to get rid of the pain, but it wouldn’t go away. It hurt. It hurt more than I could ever imagine.
It hurt more than when I saw him bloodied and broken.
“You’re a shitty liar, lyubov moya. Look me in the fucking eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”
I waited for him to turn around and almost wished he wouldn’t. Nikolay could never lie to me. He could never look into my eyes and lie. As long as his back was to me and he whispered those words, I knew he was lying.
But then he turned around.
His eyes met mine, our gazes locked. His were empty, dark…and soulless.
“I don’t love you, Evaline.”
I wished in that moment that I had been shot straight in the heart…I wished I had died. It would have hurt less than hearing him say those words while holding my gaze.
“You don’t love me?” I whispered brokenly.
“No. I don’t love you, Evaline,” he said again.
My lungs squeezed, and I rubbed my chest harder as I fought for breath. My heart felt heavy, and my stomach rolled, like I was going to throw up.
“Is that your final decision?” I asked, my back straightening even when all I wanted to do was crumple to the floor and just disappear.
“Yes.”
I wanted to kneel at his feet and beg him.
“When I walk out of this room, Nikolay, it’s over. Everything is over, do you understand that? You can’t come to me when you lose your mind again—when you fall back into the dark and you completely lose it, you can’t come to me anymore. When your mind is fucked up again and even when your nightmares are fucking killing you, you can’t come to me. I have been doing this for seven years. You’d come to me and I would open my arms and hold you when you needed me. And when you don’t need me anymore, you walk away. You can’t do that anymore,” I said softly.
He didn’t blink, like my words meant nothing. Nikolay just stared at me.
“I will give you nothing. Is that what you want?” I asked, hoping he would say no…hoping he would hold me and apologize. I just wanted his arms around me; I just wanted to melt into his embrace.
But he gave me nothing.
“Yes.”
One word. Just one fucking word and he ended everything.
“I won’t wait for you anymore. I won’t fight for you anymore,” I whispered, my tears blinding my vision.
He nodded without a word.
We stared at each other—and I hoped he could see what he had done. He broke us. He broke me. I stared into his eyes, hoping I could see even one bit of humanity in it.
Nikolay just looked…dead.
Finally, I shifted my gaze away, and I held the bedsheets tightly around my body as I took a step forward. He didn’t move as I walked closer.
His eyes stayed on my face as I went on my tip-toes. My mouth touched his scarred cheek, and I laid gentle kisses the length of his scars.
He hissed quietly, a quick intake of breath that broke me further.
I stepped back, our eyes meeting again. Swiping my tears away and with a final glance, I walked away.
I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.
A minute later, something crashed against the wall. I heard him—his anger, his pain.
“You are such a shitty liar, Nikolay.”
But it didn’t matter anymore. His words had hit me right where he wanted them to. There was no taking them back—he couldn’t unbreak us.
Touching the doors, I placed my lips softly against it.
“Good bye, lyubov moya.”