I didn’t want to put it off any longer. I need some kind of closure. I need to say my own goodbye, even if years have already passed by. We walk down hand in hand, stopping just in front of the headstone. I crash to the ground, flowers in my hand, tears streaming down my face.
“I’m so sorry,” I cry out, my eyes dripping with tears. My walls, the walls that hold me up, that make me strong just collapse. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my top. Perhaps these tears will help wash out the pain. I press my hand against the headstone trying to steady myself. I'm trembling. I can't stop. Even as I press my hand against the cold stone, it shakes, it trembles. It's raw. Everything. Raw tears, raw emotions. I can't stop the sobs that punch through, ripping through my muscles, bones, and guts.
“Baby,” Brax kneels beside me, pulling me into his arms. I let it all go. The tears don’t stop, my chest heaves uncontrollably as I sob into his chest. He holds me tight, reaching into the hollowness of that moment. My sobs slow, the tears no longer falling as he cradles me in his arms like a child. “I got you,” he soothes; his voice tight and full of his own emotion.
“I just never imagined this,” I stammer. “All I ever thought was how bad things were for me. I had no idea that even though you had freedom, you were suffering too.”
“Everything has changed, Izzy. The only thing that is the same is our connection. Our love for one another. That’s what we need to hold onto.”
I grab onto the front of his t-shirt, pulling his lips against mine. He’s the medicine I need to make this all better. He has the ability to numb my pain, a pain I don’t think I’d survive without him.
“I love you, Brax” I say, my heart thundering in my chest, my swollen, stinging eyes burning into his.
A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “What?” I ask, wondering what he’s looking so smug about.
“You. Those words,” he says with an even wider smile, “It means everything to me. I feel alive.”
“Good,” I say, with a fleeting kiss on his lips.
“We should go see your mom,” he says with a slight tilt of his head.
I nod, tears well in my eyes once more. “Just give me a minute, yeah?” I ask, my head jolting in the direction of Travis’ final resting place.
He squeezes my neck, getting up and slowly walking away. “I’ll be just over here,” he instructs, pointing to his bike. I smile, acknowledging him before turning my attention back to the grave. I neatly place the flowers I’d been clutching in my hand in the pots beside the headstone.
“I’ll never forget you,” I whisper, so quietly that only I can hear. “Your silly smile, your sensitive heart. All of it. I will remember it all. But most of all Travis, I’ll remember the times we shared together. You, me and Brax. The three amigos,” I wipe away a stray tear while blowing out a puff of laughter. “I know you’re listening; you were always such a good listener. You didn’t deserve to die.” I choke out, my hand covering my mouth as I gasp for a breath. “No, I won’t cry anymore. I’m going to celebrate the times we had together, not mourn. You wouldn’t want that,” I say, straightening my back and pressing the tips of my fingers against my tear-soaked lips. I kiss them gently before placing my hand against the headstone.
“I’ll come back. I promise.”
Standing, I look one last time before turning and making my way over to Brax who’s leaning back against the seat of his bike. “Okay?” he asks with worry in his eyes.
“I’m okay,” I feign a smile, dragging my hands across my face to clear the salty tears from my cheeks. “I have a feeling this will be the first of many,” I laugh nervously, reaching for the helmet Brax hands me.
I jump on the back of the bike and we set off down the familiar roads. As we get closer to the house I’d called home for so long, I catch a sob rising in my throat.
Brax pulls up right outside the front porch, the grass is overgrown and the house looks the worst I’ve ever seen it.
“Does Mom’s boyfriend, Nick, still live here?” I ask nervously, throwing my leg over the bike, removing the helmet.
He shakes his head. “He’s not been around for years,” he says, taking my hand and pulling me toward his chest. “I just want you to be prepared,” he lets out a slow controlled breath. “I’m not sure what she will say, or how much of it will be true. She’s fucked with my head a thousand times already.”
“I guess we just have to see what she has to say.” I storm forward, ready to knock the shit out of the door. But I don’t get chance. It swings open and Mom rushes at me, wrapping her arms around my limp body.
“Oh, my baby. It’s you,” she pushes back, gripping my shoulders as her eyes rake over my face. “It’s really you.”
“It’s me,” I smile, looking at the evidence of age creeping in. Mom was always pretty, but in quite an ordinary way. She never wore makeup or did much with her hair, but as a child, she was always beautiful in my eyes.
“My God, come in,” she says, grabbing my hand and tugging it. I look warily over my shoulder to see Brax right behind me.
“I’m here, baby.” He winks, giving me a nod as Mom leads me inside.
“Sit down,” Mom rushes out. “How are you? Oh, what a stupid question,” she laughs nervously, sitting on the table in front of me. I look around the room and I’m pretty sure nothing has changed. The same décor, the same furniture, only now it looks tired and dated.
I look straight at her, desperate to find some answers as to why she didn’t look for me. But I can’t. The words feel like they are stuck in my throat. Brax sits beside me and I notice the look of disgust she gives him. I can’t help but feel protective toward him. I rest my hand on his knee as I hitch forward, positioning myself closer to her, hoping I’ll find the right words.
“I had no idea he’d taken you.” She sniffles, digging into her oversized, ill-fitting jeans and pulling out a tissue. She dabs her nose, her eyes fixed on me as she waits for me to say something.
“Why weren’t you bothered, Mom. Why didn’t you file a missing person’s report?”
“I, uh, I…I genuinely thought you’d left with him. You were a difficult teenager, never wanted to be at home, so I presumed you really did leave with him.”
I shake my head, my nostrils flaring. “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe that any decent parent would just accept and give up as easily as you did.”
She adjusts her posture, straightening her back as she moves away from me. “I was devastated when you left. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.” Her eyes dart to Brax and then back to me.
“What exactly is your problem with Braxton?” I glare at her intently; the one person who actually did save me, the one person who tried isn’t to blame here. “You do realize he was the one who saved me?”
“And I’m thankful he brought you home,” she smiles. “But you do know who you’re dealing with, right?” She looks at Brax with furrowed brows. “You’ve been honest, Brax. You’ve told my daughter what a murderous criminal you are, right?”
“Don’t you dare,” I snarl. “I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for him. You really don’t care about me at all, do you?”
“Of course, I do,” she exhales loudly.
“But you just want to divert the attention, don’t you? Take all eyes off you and how you failed me as a mother.”
“I never said I was perfect. Damn, I’ve done things I regret. But I really was upset that you’d left. Did I challenge your decision to leave? No.”
“I didn’t leave,” I scream, standing up from the couch. “Dad took me. He kept me locked up for years. The only reason I got out was because he had a damn heart attack. But it’s clear to see. You didn’t look for me. In fact, I bet you thought it was a relief.”
“Why are you doing this?” She grumbles. “Why can’t you just move on and allow us to work on having a relationship?”
I scoff loudly. “So, the one person who shouldn’t have given up on me, couldn’t find it within her to look for me, huh? But I should just forget it and move on.”
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and clearly you need therapy…”
“Don’t fucking patronize me,” I scream, my glare on her is hard. “I don’t fucking need you, or your bullshit in my life anymore.” I roll my hand into fists so tight that my nails dig into my own skin. An uncontrollable wave of heat courses through me, my heart hammering as the anger, hurt and disappointment is all I can feel.
I have to get out of here.
The pain is making it hard to breathe and I can no longer fight my need to run. So, I do. I turn as fast as I can, hauling open the wooden door. My feet pick up speed, one foot after the other as I race away from the house and down the overgrown path at the side of the house. My heart pounds so powerfully I can feel it in my neck. In fact, it feels like my neck is tightening on me, like the air is being sucked from my lungs as I race at a speed I didn’t even know was possible.
“Izzy…” I hear the voice faintly in the distance. Even though I want to stop, I just can’t. The emotion inside is ravaging me, controlling everything right now.
Like a train hitting the brakes, I halt at the sight in front of me. I press one hand against my chest and the other on my cheek. So many memories were made here. So many reasons I love this place. I genuinely believe a part of me will always belong here. I stumble forward, my legs shaking, but I power on as much as I can. I stop at the bottom of the tree. I swear it’s gotten bigger. But one thing that hasn’t changed or disappeared are the carvings I made in the trunk.
I run my finger across them. Memories flood my mind and I lean forward, resting my forehead against the tree. Stupid, I know. It’s only a tree, but it means so much more to me than it just being a tree. It was our place. The place the three of us met. The place we would hang out every day.
It was our safe place.
“Izzy,” he calls to me, my eyes glancing up at his stunning face. He really is very beautiful. Some guys are handsome, but Brax is much more than that. His dark hair falls perfectly without him making any effort whatsoever. His flawless skin always did look so healthy and tanned, even when we were just kids.
“Why?” I say, banging my fist against the tree. “Why can’t she be the mom I so desperately need?”
“Baby,” He sighs heavily, approaching me warily. “There’s something not right. Her behavior is not normal.”
“You think?” I say, snapping my head and widening my eyes at him. “After everything I’ve been through. After everything that has happened,” I choke out, trying with everything I have not to allow the tears to fall.
“Don’t cry, baby. Don’t let the bitch get the better of you. You have me now, and that’s all that matters. It was always meant to be us. Just you, me and Travis, and if I knew anything about that crazy best friend of mine, it’s that he would want us to be together. United as one.”
“He loved you, just as much as he loved me too,” I say, resting my weak hand against his face. He leans in closer, his body almost touching mine. Heat spreads through me at the feeling of him being so close.
“Sure. Everyone loved me,” he chuckles, tilting his head to the side. “Not sure they still feel the same now.”
“Does it matter what anyone else thinks?” I say, swallowing the emotion in my throat. “I know the real you. I know your heart is pure.”
“Yeah that’s me,” he interrupts me mid-sentence. “Real fucking angelic.” His fingers trail my neck, working until he’s clutching the hair at the back of my neck. His hold is possessive, but not aggressive, and I love that he makes my skin feel so alive, even with the simplest of touches. “You know,” he whispers, “I always thought our first time would be here. Up against this tree. Just you and me.”
“Quite the poet,” I whisper, letting out a little laugh, the heat rushing to my cheeks.
“Why, you look like you’re blushing,” he smirks. His fingers work in a small circular motion against my scalp. He uses that hand to bring my lips closer to his before he places a soft, sweet kiss against them.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I know I can’t change the past, but I will do everything in my power to make our future, your future,” he nods his head toward me, “the fucking best possible.”
I pull in the corner of my lip; my ragged emotions soften, and my heart swells.
“Let me love you, baby. Let me love away the pain I see behind your eyes.”
His words tickle against my swollen lips and I press against him as I melt a little inside. He takes my hand in his, pressing his muscular, toned body against my tiny frame. His fingers trail down my arm, goosebumps immediately form as he links his fingers through mine.
“I’m yours, Brax. Always have been, always will be.”
A guttural moan escapes him as he crashes his lips against mine and I reciprocate, opening my mouth to allow his hot tongue access. We deepen the kiss. It’s hot and messy, but it’s also so right. He’s the perfect distraction and my body craves his touch. Wherever his hand touches me I seem to get a burning sensation.
His palm wanders to the button of my jeans, tugging as he tries to free me from the material that separates us. I reach down, taking over as he lowers his zipper, his hooded eyes fixed on me as he does. He grabs my ass and in one swift movement my feet leave the ground, my legs wrapping around him as he holds me up against the rough trunk of the tree.
“I want you so bad, baby,” He groans into my mouth.
Everything about this moment is messy, needy, like a kid eagerly stuffing candy into his mouth. Brax tips my head back, forcing my eyes to meet his.
“I love you,” his voice is barely a whisper. He bends his knees a little, lining himself up at my ready entrance. My body tells me I want this, just as much as my mind does. I’m so wet for him. There’s nothing slow or gentle about the way he enters me. There’s no teasing this time. It’s just pure animalistic need. In one instant and a very hard thrust, he buries himself inside me. The pleasure so great that it borders on a delicious kind of pain. My body jerks with every deep thrust, my arms wrapped so tightly around the man who owns my heart. “You’re mine. After all this time. You’ve always belonged to me. You took my heart and claimed it. It’s all yours, always,” he grunts as he fucks me hard and deep. I can’t fight back the moans that escape me, my insides clenching with every thrust.
Over and over again he works furiously, his rhythm wild and fast. Everything I need right now. He’s barely begun when the pressure becomes so much I start to crack until I feel like I’m about to shatter, breaking.
“Brax,” I cry out his name, my body being worked until I find myself falling, convulsing around him in waves. The pulsing is endless as he drives into me harder and harder while I buck on his cock; my head falling and resting on his shoulder as I ride out the long waves of the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.
I’m still coming when Brax’s thrusts became erratic and even more frantic. Faster and faster, he pounds into me until I don’t know if he’s pushing in or pulling out. He lets out a long, animalistic groan as he stills, coming deep inside of me, filling me with his release.
I ride out my orgasm as he thrusts into me with small, more shallow movements.
“Holy fuck,” Brax exclaims, setting me down, his arm firmly wrapped around my waist as he stumbles back. Taking a few steps backward he collapses on the ground, pulling me on top of him. I let out a squeal as we fall, very ungracefully onto the grass.
“Brax,” I screech through my ragged breaths. His name was as much as I could manage. I’m lucky I can still breathe after that.
“What?” he asks, eyeing me with a smirk. I roll off him, straightening my clothes. I glance over to him doing the same thing, his body almost immersed in the green grass that has overgrown around our tree.
“Well, that was, uh, unexpected,” I say with a giggle, a warmth spreading through me as I realize this guy is the reason I can still smile. I rest back down, my head on his chest, sheltered from the sun as we lay in the shade.
I use my finger to draw circles against his chest, my mind flashes back to the time I spent with that monster. I feel the bile rise in my throat as I fight back the memories that try to force their way into my mind. I concentrate on the feel of his lips against mine. The way my stomach feels full of butterflies when we are together. Reaching up, I trace my finger across my lip as I allow the good to push past the bad.
“What is it?” He asks, narrowing his eyes on me.
“What?” I say, lifting my head until our faces are just a few inches apart.
“I lost you for a second.”
“Good thoughts,” I say with a nod.
“You sure?” he asks, his forehead crinkling as he does.
I nod, allowing my eyes to flutter shut.
“I know you’re strong, but it’s okay to fall apart. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces. No one expects you to just act like nothing happened and get on with your life. What you went through, what that bastard did to you,” he grits his teeth together, the muscles flexing in his neck as he does. “Well, that’s got to have an effect on you.”
“It does,” I say, pausing to take in a pent-up breath. “And I’m sure as time goes by, my struggles will be more at the forefront. But right now, being here with you, well that kinda helps push away all the nasty thoughts.”
“Glad to be of assistance, Ma’am,” he smiles widely, and I can’t deny how hard my heart is thumping and how good I feel here in his arms.
“I’m serious,” I say tapping him lightly on the chest. “Everything’s a mess. My head is a wreck. But right now, none of that matters. What matters is us. The future we’re going to make together.”
“I say we live out the rest of our time together under this tree.” He wags his eyebrow, his face lighting up as he teases me playfully.
“You know, I think I’d like that.” I reach up, tugging on a few loose strands of hair that have fallen on his face. “Just you and me. Sounds perfect!”
His hand cups the back of my head, bringing me back against his chest. I lay there with nothing but the sound of his heart beating.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
A sound I could listen to all day. One I will never forget.
We lay holding each other, his arms wrapped around me for what seems like forever. Yet it will never seem like long enough. I could stay here with him forever. When he eventually sits up, he pulls me with him.
“We should make a move, baby.”
“I don’t want to,” I mock pout, fluttering my eyes at him.
“Fuck, you look so damn cute.” He presses his hand against his crotch, my eyes following as I realize he’s trying to force down his erection. I stifle a laugh and he glares at me.
“Don’t you dare laugh,” he says teasingly. “This is all your fault.” He grabs my hand, pulling me through the grass as we make our way back to his bike. The closer we get to Mom’s house, I shudder, the feelings flushing through me as I remember our brief conversation.
“Are you okay?” Brax looks at me with wide eyes.
“Sure. Just get me away from here,” I say, jerking my head toward the house I never want to step foot inside again.