CHAPTER 22

A gentle buzzing sounded from Julie’s kitchen counter—her cell phone. Maybe he was calling. Rapidly crossing the room to get it, she picked it up and flicked it on, holding it a decent distance from her still-bruised face.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hi, Julie.” Kate Everhart’s clear voice came through the line. To her chagrin, she deflated a little bit. “I’m calling to see how you’re doing,” Kate continued.

Not Cole. Julie pulled herself together. She was glad to hear from her friend.

“Recovering. Thank you for calling.”

“Can I bring you anything, my dear?”

“No, thanks. Lisa and Cloris have that covered. Plus, Lexie won’t stop bringing by treats for me. I swear she’s made something new every day, just so I’ll keep eating.”

“So there’s nothing I can do?” Kate sounded disappointed.

“Just hearing your voice is enough. And I’d welcome a visit, if you’d like to stop by. They won’t let me work or exercise for the next week and a half, so I’m going a bit stir-crazy at home.” Thanks to multiple contusions and a minor concussion, the attending physician who’d treated her at Cape Cod Hospital insisted she not tax herself, and Lisa and Cloris had all but barred her from the office.

“Oh, I’d love a visit,” Kate said, her voice brightening. “I’ll come by with Luke after he closes up shop later this afternoon.”

“Wonderful. And please, don’t bring anything. Like I said, I have way more food than I can eat here.”

Kate laughed. “That’s Lexie for you. See you tonight, Julie.”

“ ’Bye.”

Julie clicked her phone off and walked outside to her porch, to stare out over the lawn and beyond that, the water. For a moment, she could almost forget that her body was aching. Worse, that her heart was hurting.

Because of Cole.

How many more days would he be M.I.A.? Once her health had stabilized and she was released from the hospital, he’d told her that solving the drug case was integral to her safety, ordered a twenty-four-hour watch for her, and simply disappeared. Hurt and confused, Julie was left wondering if she could have said or done anything differently to make him want to stay with her. Because she wasn’t afraid to admit that she needed him. She did, badly.

Of course, the whole town had rallied around her. She’d received a hero’s welcome back at home. People had gone out of their way to tell Julie how proud they were of her, how brave they thought she was, and how sorry they were that such a terrible thing had happened. They were her true friends, making Cole’s disappearing act even more difficult to swallow.

Suddenly, being trapped at home was beyond oppressive. She needed to move—to go.

Walking around the house, she spied Kip O’Leary, pacing back and forth on the driveway, his boots crunching on the gravel with each step. When he saw her, he stopped.

“You sure you should be up and about, Dr. Kensington?” he asked, concern written all over his face.

“I’m fine, Kip,” she said. “Just need to get some fresh air.”

Now he looked even more worried. “Not sure Cole’ll be happy about that.”

Irritation pricked at her. The man couldn’t even bother to come around himself, yet he was still dictating her movements, including whether or not she could go outside? She was about to give Kip a sharp retort, but she stopped and sighed. The deputy was just doing his job. “If you want, you can come with me. I’m going to walk to the park.”

“I think I should. Orders were to keep an eye on you, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty if I let you walk alone.”

Julie nodded, and slowly started off down the wood path, Kip trailing behind her. His handheld radio crackled, and she realized that he must have called in his position to the team. Ignoring him, she kept going. She didn’t know where she was headed, just that she needed to get out of her house and stop thinking for a while. Especially about him.

Without realizing where she had headed, she found herself in the children’s park off the Green—and to her surprise, she realized it wasn’t empty.

Cole was there, standing facing away from her near the jungle gym. She’d know those well-defined shoulders and that broad back anywhere. Something beneath her foot cracked, but he didn’t turn to acknowledge her presence. Kip had clearly called ahead to let him know she was coming. Mentally, she flashed back to their meeting at the beginning of the summer. How different he’d looked to her then! How differently she’d felt about him! There was tension now, but it was of a different sort. Now, instead of reluctance, her heart was filled with a confused longing—a need for fulfillment that she could never have anticipated. Not from this man. “Hi.” Her voice was soft, but it carried.

“Hey,” Cole replied, without turning around. He made some kind of gesture with his hand, and behind her, she heard Kip walk away. They were alone.

She stepped toward him. “I haven’t seen you for a few days.”

“I’ve been busy,” he said tersely. He still didn’t turn.

“I’m sure you have.” Julie tried to keep the hurt out of her voice. “But I would have loved for you to stop by.”

“From what I understand, you had plenty of visitors.”

“I did, and I’m grateful for it.” But none of them were you. “Cole?” she questioned, reaching a hand out to touch his arm. He must have sensed her movement, because he quickly turned and stepped backward out of her reach. His eyes darted to her face, to her bruises—still there, now faded to a sickly yellow. Visibly, he flinched. She’d never seen that look on his face, one of utter revulsion.

“Don’t.” It was more than a warning.

“Cole, I … I don’t understand. Why are you pushing me away?” There was no disguising her hurt now. His words, coupled with his icy stare, made something ache terribly inside her.

“I’m no good. I’m no good for anyone, least of all for you.”

She shook her head, in complete and utter denial. “No. No. I won’t let you do this.”

“It’s already done.”

“When I tried to shut you out, you wouldn’t let me.”

“This is different.”

“How?” she challenged.

“There’s more at stake here than just your pride.”

“Are you kidding me?” she said, fury rising inside. “This isn’t me standing on ceremony here. This is about you shutting down.”

“If that’s what it takes to get the job done.”

“I get that you work hard, Cole. I really do. So do I. But if you turn away from me any time you need to ‘get the job done,’ that’s not okay.”

“It’s not just because I need to get the job done, Julie.”

She stopped and stared at him, seeing him fresh for the first time. There were dark pouches under his eyes; he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His usually tanned skin looked sallow, the scar on his cheek washed out against his pallor. “I’m sorry. I—I don’t quite follow you,” she said slowly. “Please. Tell me what’s going on.”

“You want to know what’s going on?” he said angrily. “Fine. I’ll tell you. I thought I had the PTSD under control. Thought I was done with the fear, the anxiety, but then you came along and God, I wanted you so badly, I just couldn’t see the signs. When I fell in love with you, it came back, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“There is something you can do about it. Go back to a psychologist!”

He shook his head. “I don’t have time for that right now.”

“Why are you so afraid of getting help?”

“I can’t go there right now, Julie. But if you’re out of the picture, then it’s one less thing I have to worry about.”

She couldn’t breathe. Pinpricks of pain formed behind her eyes. “That’s all I am to you? Something to push aside that you won’t have to worry about? You have to know how crazy that sounds. You can’t turn off your feelings for someone like that.” Not if that person feels the way I do.

“I can try,” he said tightly.

“I see,” she said. He was approaching this in such a calculated way, he had to have pulled a stunt like this before. She felt so sickened that she almost threw up, right then and there, all over his ridiculously huge black boots.

Just before his eyes grew distant, she caught the flash of pain behind them. Too bad. She was hurting just as much as he was, but he hadn’t even acknowledged it. She’d given him everything—her body, her heart, and her soul—and he’d held it in his big hands and just crushed the life out of it.

It had been a huge mistake to get involved with him, and an even bigger one to open her heart. She’d fallen in love with a man she’d thought was someone else. It had all been a lie.

Tears fell freely now, raw and hot on her cheeks. Her dignity stripped bare, she didn’t even bother to brush them away. She turned her back on him and began to walk away. God, it hurt so much! A fiery knife through her heart couldn’t have wounded her more. It was just as bad as when her parents were killed. Worse, maybe.

She couldn’t even process that.

About ten feet away, she turned around. “You always were dangerous, Cole, but I thought you were different,” she choked out. “Somehow I knew—even in high school—that if I gave you the chance, you’d break my heart.” Julie looked at him straight on, tears blurring her vision. “Well, you finally did.”

Then she walked away for good.

Kip peeled out of the woods, where he must have been waiting for her to finish with Cole. She ignored him and kept going, never once looking back. She just kept on walking, Kip’s footsteps treading behind her as she headed home.

Thank God she’d left. If he’d had to stand there for one more second, looking into those pain-filled eyes, unable to soothe the hurt away, unable to stop himself from hurting her more, he was going to do something he’d regret—not just in the instant, but for a lifetime.

He was such a bastard! Even given everything he’d experienced, watching her walk away without stopping her was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.

There were so many things he hadn’t told her. That he couldn’t tell her. That he’d spent every night outside her hospital room and her house as her own personal guard. That every day he worked like a man possessed trying to get to the bottom of the rampant drug problem in Star Harbor so that she’d be safe again. That he loved her. Truly loved her.

He’d let himself get too close and he’d failed her. Worse, he’d failed himself: Don had gone on the attack and he knew he couldn’t keep her safe. Not every time. And that thought made him crazy. Every time something happened to her, he knew he was going to go off, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He couldn’t stay calm and cool forever. He was going to snap, and he was going to bring her down with him.

He couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get those damned nightmares out of his head. He was having two a night now, sometimes more. And visions during the day of horrible things he wished he could forget. Keeping his PTSD under control was starting to become his full-time job, and Julie deserved someone better. He was all kinds of wrong for her, and there was only one solution—to cut her out of his life.

It had taken all of his strength to stand there and not stop her from leaving. God, he’d wanted to with every ounce of his being!

He loved her. He wanted to bury himself in her until he couldn’t think straight anymore. Until he forgot who he was. Until he erased what he had seen. Until he obliterated what he had done. But he couldn’t.

How he would ever get those images of war out of his head, he’d never know. All he knew was that when he was in Julie’s arms, he forgot everything except who she was. And she was amazing. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

Cole cursed loudly and angrily, filthy words ripping from his throat. Stupid! What was the point of living if he couldn’t figure out how to share his life with a woman he actually cared about rather than a woman he just wanted to screw for the night?

Part of him whispered that he’d just thrown away the most incredible thing in his life, but the other part of him—the part that screamed in his brain—insisted that he’d done the right thing. He couldn’t stay with her if he was going to lose his mind every time he thought about her being hurt. Black thoughts like those would destroy his confidence in his ability to get the job done. Better to let Julie go than to be tormented night after night with images of her being harmed in vile ways.

He couldn’t make himself stop loving her. Not right away. But hopefully, over time, that love would fade. Use any excuse you want. Even the PTSD. But loving her is never going away.

“No!” Cole balled his hands into tight fists and smacked the side of a pine tree as hard as he could. For a brief moment, the pain inside faded. But then, when his hand started throbbing, it came back in full force.

I’m an animal.

This was what he’d sunk to. This was what he’d become.

He needed a drink—a stiff one. Or three. Anything to get the thought of her—and the smell of her—out of his head. No, a drink would only make things worse. What he really needed was to work. Hard. And when all this was done, he’d go back to the shrink on his terms.

He prayed it wouldn’t be too late.