CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dani
Saturday arrived much sooner than I expected. I drove to my mom’s house, ready to spend the day with her. I missed her and the simplicity that came with being around her. She was needy and sick, but I didn’t have to think too much when I was spending time with her. With Talen, my mind was always racing and unsure, but at my mom’s house, I could just relax. I sat on the couch with her, watching movies for most of the morning. She didn’t say much at first, but I didn’t mind. The silence was comforting. I felt at peace for the first time in weeks.
The moment the movie ended, so did the peace. “How’s Perry? Everything going well with you guys?”
I bit back the groan. I told her about the breakup during my last visit. Frowning, I tried to keep my frustration in check. There was always a chance that she would forget things now. It was just a fact of her life, and I had to be patient, no matter what.
“We broke up, remember? I told you last time I came over.”
Her brow furrowed in concentration. “You did?”
“Yes.” I looked down at my empty ring finger. I’d finally been able to get the ring off by trying the string trick I’d seen on YouTube. “He broke up with me the night of my art show.”
“Oh, Dani Bug,” she cooed and stroked my hair. “I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “That’s okay. It was for the best, I think. Our relationship wasn’t going anywhere.”
“I can’t believe I forgot,” she said softly. I knew she was speaking more to herself than to me.
“It’s okay. It happens. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m just not the same anymore,” she whispered. “I’m forgetting more and more. It’s not fair to you.”
“Mom.” I took her hand and held it between both of mine. “You don’t need to worry about me, okay? I can take care of myself. I don’t mind telling you things more than once. It just gives us more to talk about.”
I smiled, and my mom tried to smile back, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes for a second. I recognized her expression as thoughtful. She was thinking deeply about something that troubled her.
“Are you okay?” I asked with concern.
“Just feeling guilty. You’re always taking care of me. It isn’t your job.”
“It is,” I argued. “Of course, it is.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this.” She gave me a stern look. “You shouldn’t have to come over here all the time.”
“Mom,” I said. “I don’t mind coming over. I love seeing you, but…”
I paused. This was the perfect opportunity to bring up places for her to live. The conversation was inevitable, and I knew it needed to happen, but I felt horrible bringing it up. Sending my mother to a home felt like abandonment. I didn’t know how she would react.
“Listen,” I said, starting over. “I think we should start looking at other options.”
“Other options?” Her eyes widened, and she immediately looked upset. “Do you mean nursing homes?”
“I’ve been doing some research, and I don’t think you’re ready for something that extreme. I was thinking more of assisted living. You’ll still have freedom, but you’ll also have more help than I’m able to give you. You’ll be safe…” I trailed off as my throat began to close with emotion.
“I understand,” she said softly. “But this is my home.”
Her words broke my heart. I felt like the worst daughter in the world. I didn’t know what else to do. Even if I moved in with her, I would still need someone to come sit with her while I worked. At this steady rate of decline, it wouldn’t be long before she was unable to be alone. I couldn’t do it all by myself. Not when I had a job to do as well.
“I wish I could just take care of you all day,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I really do.”
She smiled. “I know.”
“But, I can’t. I have to work and I just… Mom, I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this, but I think you need more help than I can give you.”
“Maybe we can just wait a little longer,” she suggested eagerly. “Just until I get worse.”
My heart ached again. Part of me wanted to argue, but I knew there wasn’t a point. We would have to wait until the end of the month anyway, and by then, she would have progressed further. I wouldn’t be surprised if she soon forgot this conversation entirely. I plastered a smile on my face and squeezed her hand. I couldn’t make her better, but I could at least help her feel more secure.
“Of course,” I promised. “We’ll wait longer. We’ll wait as long as you want.”
Her entire body sagged in relief. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t long before she fell asleep on the couch. While she slept, I cooked a few meals and cleaned the house. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. When she woke up, I knew it was time to go. Madison took the day off to meet me. We were going to tour a few assisted living homes to get an idea of what my mom needed. Still, I hated leaving her.
“I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said, leaning down and kissing her cheek.
“Bye, honey,” she said, waving me away.
I stopped at the neighbor’s house on the way to my car. After asking Mrs. Gleason to check on my mom, I drove through town. The first home was just a few miles away, and I arrived earlier than I planned. I sat in my car and waited for Madison.
While I waited, my mind drifted to thoughts of Talen again. I had been thinking about him on and off for two days. Since we’d sex, I hadn’t been able to forget about him. I hated myself for sleeping with him, but at the same time, I loved every single second of it. He had been amazing. His body. His touch. Everything. But I knew it was wrong. It was too soon after my breakup with Perry, and it would only complicate our arrangement. As much as I wanted it to happen again, I knew it couldn’t.
Madison pulled up and hopped out of her car. She was dressed modestly, and I almost didn’t recognize her. It wasn’t often that she wore something other than her stripper clothes. I walked over and hugged her tightly. I was glad to see her. I didn’t think I could face this on my own.
“How’s she doing?” Madison asked as we walked inside.
“Not great,” I admitted. “She’s getting worse, but I just feel so guilty. I hate the idea of putting her in a home like this.”
Madison linked her arm through mine. “I know, but what choice do you have? You can’t take care of her on your own. Not anymore.”
“I wish I could,” I said sadly.
We stepped up to the front desk and told them we were there for a tour. While we waited, we talked more about my mom and her illness. It still made my heart ache to remember how sad she sounded that morning. She looked so defeated, so hopeless. I hated that I caused her to feel that way.
“Tell me the truth,” I said. “Am I the worst daughter in the world for even considering this?”
Madison punched my arm. “Are you kidding? Dani, you’re amazing. She needs this, and you’re willing to do anything to make sure she gets it. In my opinion, that makes for a pretty great daughter.”
I shrugged, not sure if I believed her. It felt good to hear her reassurances, but I still felt guilty. When the director came out, I stood up to shake her hand. She greeted both Madison and me warmly and led the way through the building. She showed us the individual rooms and bathrooms before we walked into the recreational room.
In the rec room, elderly people were sitting all around. Some were in wheelchairs, and some were sitting on couches and folding chairs. I smiled at them as I passed, feeling my stomach churn uncomfortably.
“As you can see,” the woman said, “we’re very community-oriented. Our residents really feel like this is home. They make friends easily. We’re all very close here.”
“That’s nice,” Madison said with a fake smile.
I could barely speak. Now that I’d seen the inside of one of these places, I hated my decision even more. The idea of leaving my mother alone with people she’d never met was horrendous. Still, the medical facilities they had were great. Doctors and nurses were on staff and always present in the home. If anything happened to her, someone would be right there to help. In a way, it was comforting. I tried to focus on that while we continued our tour.
“Thank you for coming,” the woman said when we stopped at the front desk.
“Our pleasure,” I said and shook her hand. “It was very informative.”
Madison still wore that fake smile. “Thank you.”
Together, Madison and I headed into the parking lot. We still had two more homes to see that day. We climbed into my car, and I drove us across town. The second tour was very much like the first. They had similar rooms and staff. It seemed that assisted living homes were all the same.
“Let’s talk about something else,” Madison said when we were back in my car. “How are things with Talen?”
The second I heard his name, my heart began to race. I pictured his naked body on top of me, and I blushed scarlet.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel. “We had sex.”
“Damn,” Madison said, laughing. “You didn’t waste any time.”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I said quickly. My eyes were focused on the road in front of me. I couldn’t bear to see the look on Madison’s face. “We just sort of—”
“Dani, it happens.” Madison laughed again. “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“It shouldn’t have happened,” I said desperately. “This whole situation is a mess. It’s just supposed to be a business arrangement, you know? Nothing was supposed to happen between us.”
“Well,” Madison said. “In your defense, you are married to him.”
“Oh, shut up. That doesn’t count, and you know it.”
Madison laughed again, and I turned to glare at her. She just looked at me with amusement. I was glad she found my situation entertaining because I most certainly did not.
“This is a disaster,” I groaned.
She placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “No. It’s not. It could actually be a good thing.”
I shot her a glance. “How?”
“A little sex never hurt anyone,” Madison said with a grin. “Besides, after everything Perry put you through, you deserve a little fun. This could be exactly what you need.”
I wished I was as carefree as my friend. “I don’t see how.”
“This arrangement could either be horrible or wonderful,” Madison explained. “You can either spend the next month in total misery, or you can get a little sex and money out of it. You’ll get money either way, but you get my point. Try to let yourself enjoy it. Enjoy him for a while.”
“I can’t do that,” I scoffed. “That’s insane.”
“Whatever,” Madison said. “I’m just saying, it could be good for you.”
I fell silent as I continued driving through town. Madison’s words played on repeat in my head the entire way to the next place. She wasn’t wrong. Having sex with Talen was fun. It was more than fun. It was fantastic. Still, I couldn’t just casually sleep with him for the next month. That wasn’t part of our deal. I shook my head and tried to force my thoughts away from Talen.
The next home offered a glimmer of hope. It was a stately brick building with acres and acres of winding gardens in the back, all surrounded by wrought iron fencing.
Inside, I noticed the smell immediately. Or rather, the lack of a smell. The other two homes smelled like urine masked with chemicals. Here, it smelled fresh.
During the tour, the director explained that even the floors had been purposing chosen for dementia patients. They had better grip than standard floors and were glare resistant, which apparently helped with depth perception, or something like that.
The rooms were also nicer. They were like small apartments, with a bedroom, sitting room, bathroom, and tiny kitchen. “Our residents don’t cook in their rooms — it’s too dangerous, so we eat together in the dining hall — but they have access to whatever snacks they wish. Plus, having a kitchen feels like home, and we do everything we can to give a home-like feel.”
My eyes watered. This was better than my apartment, by a long shot.
There was a gym, a pool, quilt clubs, singing clubs, all kinds of musical instruments. Dogs and cats were allowed, for a small increase in fees.
Madison’s smile was real this time, and I knew she felt it too. When it came to the point that Mom needed it, I’d found a place I could live with. Guilt seemed to have slid off me by a few degrees at least.
Now, if only I could work out my issues with Talen.
For the rest of the day, I dwelled on our situation, wondering if Madison was onto something after all. It wouldn’t hurt to have a little fun, to just relax and enjoy myself. Still, I wasn’t sure I was built that way. After one night with him, I felt guilty for days. How would I feel if we did it again?