Never, Devil Woman
JUST FRIENDS.
Just friends.
Just fr—
“Oh, frickity frack. Who am I fooling?” I toss the throw pillow in its rightful place, and poke at the couch cushion. I can still see Linc’s imprint on my sofa, and it needs to go away. Like right now. How did I fall asleep on the couch? How did he fall asleep sitting up? We managed to stay that way the entire night until my phone started going off this morning with scheduled reminders. Linc must have felt my body tense at the realization of the position we slept in, because we were both up and out of each other’s arms in no time. He claimed he had to meet a guy and I claimed…well, I claimed work. I had to go to work.
I’m dressed in only a towel after the shower I took to scrub his scent off me—a shower where I attempted to also wash away all the wrong thoughts that were swarming in my head caused by said smell. Which didn’t work, I might add. I’m trying to get rid of any sign that Linc spent the night so my boyfriend won’t be upset. One more bash to the pillow and I look at the time realizing I have to abort mission. I have a meeting in thirty minutes. I snatch the Febreeze and hesitate before mentally smacking myself and taking aim at my furniture. Must delete any sign. He knew Linc came over, Reagan. But I’m sure he didn’t expect for him to never leave. “Delete, delete, delete,” I repeat, then gag on the now overwhelming amount of spray choking me and toss the bottle.
I hurry into my room and snatch up a pair of suit pants, a blouse, and a blazer. It takes three attempts to get the buttons right before I lose my patience, rip off my blouse and end up in a light sweater. They turn the air too high in the office, anyway. I throw myself in the bathroom and begin brushing my teeth as I get a good look at my outfit. It’s then I realize the sweater I put on is the same one I had on the night Linc kissed me. And, well, I kissed him back.
Oh, God, did I ever kiss him back.
His lips were soft, his tongue inviting. The taste of him was like no other. He was just… “Shut up. Shut up!” I jab myself in the mouth with my toothbrush. I gag, not thinking that through and almost throw up spit and toothpaste. But that needed to be done. I need to shut my brain down. All these thoughts I’m having about Linc are ridiculous. We’re just friends. He also compared kissing you to kissing his sister.
That reminder causes a tiny slump in my shoulders. And here I was thinking it was the best kiss I’ve ever experienced. I shake my head and spit, rinsing my mouth out and exiting the bathroom. I shouldn’t dwell on it, anyway. We’re friends. He’s my best friend. Keeping our distance from one another over the last few weeks was miserable. I missed him terribly. I missed how much I laugh when he’s around, our talks, the peaceful silence when we can just chill and watch television for hours without a single peep between us. Without him around, I felt…lonely.
And that also makes me feel like a huge jerk. Because while Linc was avoiding me—or maybe I was avoiding him—I tried to fill that void by throwing myself fulltime into my relationship with Chase. I thought that by not thinking about Linc, I could focus on what was missing in my real relationship. But as time dragged on, nothing really changed. Chase was still just…well, Chase.
I never grew the balls to ask him to experiment with me. Possibly because every time I thought about it, it only brought up that night, and I could never get in the mood. Linc’s comment weighed so heavily on my mind. The way I should always be kissed. And, by golly, I wanted that. The first time Chase was over after the Linc fiasco, I practically mauled him, driving my tongue down his throat. I tried to kiss him hard and passionately, hoping for that spark I felt with Linc. But it never came. And in the end, Chase pulled me off him, reminding me there was a golf tournament on and asking if we could table our plans for later.
If I wasn’t such a pro at putting a smile on my face and acting the happy-go-lucky part, I would have broken down and told him to leave. Cried myself to sleep or gotten drunk and called every single ex-boyfriend I’d ever had, asking them what was so wrong with me that they couldn’t see what I wanted them to see in me. What Linc possibly saw in me. I wanted to be loved. Cherished. I wanted to be swooned over like in those darned movies. I just didn’t know what I was doing wrong. And the whole time, all I wanted to do was talk to my best friend. But he was MIA.
I don’t know when Chase caught on that something was wrong. Maybe he realized that our relationship wasn’t all about me smiling and nodding while he talked about himself, feeding himself more compliments than he did me. And let’s not get too excited about the ones he did offer. Because the more they came, the more I realized they were two-sided. Telling me I’m beautiful, but saying my hair would look better down and not in my childish ponytails. He loved my body, but I shouldn’t hide it behind all my frumpy clothes. They weren’t compliments—they were ways to make jabs at the things he didn’t like about me. And maybe Linc was right. I needed a man who would take my breath away every single time he looked at me. I wanted that. And I was about to demand it.
That is, until Chase—casually over a crab dinner at Shaw’s—told me he loved me.
He assumed when I choked, it was over the large piece of food I put in my mouth and advised me that I should really learn to take smaller bites. It would help with balancing portion control, he said. But in reality, I choked because of his bullshit words.
He loved me?
Since when?
But then again, I’ve had boyfriends tell me those three words for less. After I gagged down my bite and smiled back, I didn’t know what else to say. I knew I couldn’t say those three words back. Did I love him? My mother loved him. My brothers loved him. Everyone else loved him. But me? I was just so confused. But, being the people pleaser that I am, I smiled back and shoved another bite in my mouth.
We came home, and Chase fell asleep instantly. I laid in bed thinking about my night. My life. In the beginning of our relationship, I pictured exchanging those special words with Chase. I could see a future. A life. I was content with what we had. I didn’t need all the extra bells and whistles. I had so much love around me that it didn’t seem necessary to worry about all that extra stuff for myself. But as I laid in bed, I thought about what I was truly missing out on. The tingles that never came when seeing Chase at work. The sex that had started becoming a lie since I was faking my orgasms. And the small insults veiled thinly behind his compliments.
I didn’t want to give up on us, but sometimes I think I already have. Chase was busy and successful and he gave me what he could. And maybe it was me who needed to work on being better. Maybe I was being too needy. Maybe I was being insane about that whole kink idea. I vowed that night that I was going to try and be better in my relationship. Try harder. And so my focus was on my relationship.
Until I opened that door last night. And I saw Linc’s beautiful wounded eyes staring back at me.
And all I wanted to do was help him.
But we were friends. Thick as thieves as he liked to call us. Maybe that was for the best. Seeing him again made me realize that I needed my best friend. Which maybe meant burying any feelings that had secretly been festering. I couldn’t have both. He clearly didn’t want both. But we both wanted one thing. Our friendship. So that’s how we would remain.
Thick as thiev—
I turn the corner to exit my bedroom when my body slams into another surface. Instantly, I scream. The moment my voice rings out in terror, the other person screams, too. My eyes, which were squeezed shut, reopen to see Andie holding on to me, screaming along with me.
“Jesus, Andie, what are you doing? You scared me to death!”
“I scared you? I’ve been calling your name, and when you finally come out of your room, you barrel into me and start screaming bloody murder!”
“You were calling my name?”
“Yeah. I heard you talking to someone, so I came back. Is Chase here? Ew, did I interrupt something?”
I agree with her on the ew part. Shame on me! No, I don’t agree because that would make me a bad girlfriend. Ughh… “No, he’s not here. I was…um, talking to myself. I have a huge meeting today and I was just going over some key talking points. What are you doing here, anyway? Is everyone okay? Is my brother okay? Where’s Molly?”
Andie starts looking at me confused. Shoot, did I forget something?
“Honey, Molly’s with your mom. I’m picking you up for work so you can ride home with Roman. You said you could babysit Molly while Roman and I attempted a date, remember?”
Oh my God! I totally forgot.
“Oh no! I totally remember!” Kind of a lie. “I miss my little princess and I can’t wait to eat her up. Not literally. Oh! And I bought her more tutus!” I turn back to my room and grab the shopping bag in the corner from LuLu’s Baby Emporium. How could I forget tonight’s plans? I’m a horrible aunt. Spending all this time worrying about myself and my stupid problems, I forgot about family.
“Hey, if you can’t, it’s no big deal. Roman thinks that we don’t have to wait six weeks to be cleared to have sex but he’s insane if he thinks I’m going to let that big ole monster inside me. Do you know how many stitches I got after Molly’s giant head ripped through me?”
“Um. Yeah, twelve. The same amount of times you’ve told me.” I laugh.
Andie grumbles, and we both walk out together to her car. “Well, still. I need the time off, but renting a hotel by the hour and sleeping sounds more romantic than dinner and a movie. God knows neither of us are going to actually watch the movie. There is no reason why Roman picked a three-hour movie, other than to take a damn nap during it.”
I laugh at how well she pinged my brother. Andie is still home on maternity leave, but Roman is back in the office, though he looks like crap. He claims he’s fine, but he is definitely behind on at least three weeks of sleep.
“Well, maybe you should just take it slow. No need to jump right back into your old ways, ya know?”
Andie turns to me as she buckles her seat belt and gives me her infamous Are you serious look. “Reagan. That man looks at me like I’m a goddamn steak dinner. I could have vomit on my tit and he’d still suck it off just to get at them. He’s a ticking time bomb. If I don’t offer my vag up soon, he’s going to tie me up and find other ways to get off, and let me tell you, my mouth is still sore from the last—”
“La-la-la-la! Stop. He’s still my brother. You can keep the details to yourself.” I love Andie and her zero filter, but I have heard way more than I ever want to in three lifetimes about my brother’s privates and what he does with them. The first time I met Andie, she didn’t hold back from telling me the things my brother can do. It took me almost three days to be able to look Roman in the eyes again.
“Sorry, you’re technically my sister, best friend, and confidant all in one, so you have to hear it. Plus, when we get to the office, I need you to tell me if I have a hickey on my left ass cheek.”
Thank goodness I don’t live far from the office. I love my sister-in-law dearly but if I have to hear one more thing about Roman’s sex addiction, I’m going to claw my ears off. Walking into the office, I get lucky because my new assistant Clara grabs me, rattling off my schedule, allowing me to get out of hickey patrol duty. I wave to Andie, who enters her husband’s office and shuts the door. Assuming he’s going to be doing the hickey patrolling, which I’m sure he’s okay with, I enter my own office.
“Your eight o’clock meeting just got pushed back. The finance team wasn’t ready to present and the client had a hold up with their accounting team. They rescheduled for tomorrow morning. Your nine o’clock is already here, but is getting a tour from Ram. Apparently, they’re really interested in a marketing campaign Ram just launched. You had a lunch scheduled with Chase, but he was here earlier looking for you. Told me to tell you he had to cancel but would see you after work.” Clara continues rambling, as a spark of disappointment settles in my stomach. This is the third time in a row Chase has cancelled our lunch plans.
“Did he tell you why?” I pretend to act unconcerned when deep down, I worry that he may think something is up between Linc and I. The comment he made before he left now sits on my mind.
“No, just that he would see you later. He looked quite handsome today, too. You sure are lucky to scoop up a looker like him.” I turn to Clara and she’s smiling.
“Yeah. Lucky me.”
Just then, Ram walks into my office, alone. “Hey, sis.”
“Hey.” I smile brightly at Ram. “I thought you were with Legend Piping Corp?”
“I still am. I have them in the creative room with Henry. They’re getting the complete tour of all the programs we use. Mr. Jensen looks like a pig in shit right now. We’ll have a signed contract by the end of the day.”
I smile proudly at my brother. He has worked so hard to make this company successful. I step closer and wrap an arm around his middle.
“Woah, what’s the hug for?”
I squeeze him tight, then release. “I’m just proud of you. Dani is the luckiest girl alive.”
His face lights up with the sound of his future wife’s name. Anything Dani related makes my brother tick. And in three short months we finally get to welcome her into the Holloway family. “Well, I’ll tell her you said that. Right now, she may not feel that way since I accidently washed all her leggings in hot water, making them wearable for Molly.”
I can’t help but laugh. The mad version of Dani is like a cute little kitten who can’t reach her toy when it’s rolled under the couch. I pat my brother on the shoulder and turn, heading back to my desk. “Well, I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”
Sitting down, I look back up to find Ram already on his phone. Those two and their texting. At least when Dani wants to share her sexual escapades, she keeps it G-Rated, unlike my other sister-in-law. Then again, my brother Ram is just like our dad. The romancer. The gentler Holloway who has always worn his heart on his sleeve. That’s what makes him and Dani so perfect. I sigh watching his smile spread, knowing Dani probably responded with something cute, trying to be sexy, but always failing since she still refuses to borrow Andie’s kink book.
“Anyway, I saw Chase this morning. Cool dude, Reagan. He invited us all to the golf club this weekend. Not that I play golf, but I may take Dani to show her off.” He stops to think about something then continues. “But then I might lose her to those caddies who hand out towels at the entrance. Well, either way, I’m sure Roman will take him up on the offer. You going to go?” This weekend? Chase promised to help me till the dirt for the garden I’ve been dying to put in the backyard. “Hello, earth to Reagan…”
Right. “Sorry, um, I don’t know. I was going to visit Mom and then do some stuff around the house. Maybe.”
Ram shrugs his shoulders and jams his phone back in his pocket, “Well, I’m sure Mom would love to see Chase, too. You know her. Always wanting to know when her baby girl is going to settle down and marry.”
The mere thought of getting married right now sends an eruption of heartburn up my chest. I can’t even get my boyfriend to commit to lunch, how am I going to get him to commit to marriage? And, oh God, who’s even thinking about marriage?
“I have to meet back up with Legend Piping. Oh, and invite Chase over for dinner sometime. You know Dani loves you two together. Catch you later.”
And Ram is gone.
I fall back into my office chair, blowing a strand of hair out of my face. What am I doing wrong here? Never in my life has my entire family agreed on someone I dated. Lord, I haven’t even agreed on my choices, but now, everyone seems to be gaga over Chase. Everyone besides one. Me. The one person who should be the surest just isn’t all that sure.
I throw myself into my work, keeping busy enough that my mind doesn’t shift to other things, or people. I work through lunch, because just like Ram said, Legend Piping Corp. was eager and ready to sign. It took all afternoon to finalize the details, but with Ram’s smooth convincing, they were willing to sign at any cost. And that made Holloway Advertising very, very happy.
It’s just past five and the sounds of sweet gargling get my attention. I hear a squeal followed by the cutest little laugh ever, and I know Andie’s back and she has my favorite little princess with her. I close down my computer and grab my stuff to head out. My phone dings and I grab it from my purse to see Linc sent me a text.
Abraham L: Hey, Roomie. Hope your invitation to crash still stands. If not, maybe the cereal, Fireball, and the bag of salt and vinegar chips I bought will sway you. Want me to scoop you from my sister’s later?
I can’t help but laugh at his text. He despises those salt and vinegar potato chips.
Me: Offer still stands, but you have to eat the chips with me.
Abraham L: Never, devil woman. Those are Satan’s chips.
I shake my head, laughing.
Me: Fine, no chips, but you do have to help me till my garden this weekend. It’s part of your rental agreement.
Abraham L: Deal. What time should I come for you?
My heart beats faster at his last text. Of course my mind takes me to that place where Linc comes and saves me from all my stressors and problems and brings me back to my couch and kisses me senseless. Then I grunt because I have lost my marbles and need to knock it off. We are friends. And I need to focus on why my boyfriend seems to be pulling back.
Me: Come for me around nine, kind sir.
But after I catch a harmless ride home with my roommate.