The End
LIFE IS A PRECIOUS THING. Something that most take for granted. We spend our entire lives almost blind to how beautiful it really is, and we walk through it ignoring the small signs. Signs that implore us to stop for a second and enjoy it. To take a look around and freaking notice all the beauty around us—because in an instant it could all be gone. Fragile and not promised. But people rarely do that. They don’t stop. They don’t take the time to be thankful for the life they have or the love they’re surrounded by. I didn’t stop. I just went along my merry little way. Those moments were there for my grasping all along. I ignored them because I thought I had time to enjoy more of them. But I didn’t. Just like everyone else, I took them for granted. I let the beauty pass on by without ever taking the time to fully acknowledge it. I won’t ever make that mistake again.
This is what fills my mind as I sit in the hospital chapel. Thinking about the years, hours, minutes, even seconds of life I’ve taken for granted. I think about all the time Linc and I fought against our feelings. How much time we wasted fighting what we knew was right from the start.
I think about how life is never guaranteed. No matter what promises people make in life, nothing is guaranteed. Linc promised me forever. I promised him I would always be there for him. Promises that will soon mean nothing. Because he won’t be here long enough to give me that forever he promised.
Linc flat lined while I held his hand begging him to come back to me. My screams, along with the sirens alerted staff and I was quickly pushed aside while they worked on him. The horror of watching them take a machine to his chest to revive his heart. The yelling, the orders, the unbelievable feeling that it was the end. For him. For us. A nurse tried to escort me out of the room, but I refused. I wasn’t leaving if he was about to take his last breath. I owed him that much. The least I could do was stick to my word and be there for him.
Feeling as if eons of time had passed, eventually the room filled with the small beeping sounds of a heartbeat. He hasn’t left me. Not yet.
I broke down, and this time allowed the familiar hands of my mother to pull me out of the room. I wanted to stay. I begged to, but my mother convinced me I needed to let the doctors do their work. It was a short time later when the doctor came out to talk to us.
“He’s stabilized. We were able to get his heart going again, but his organs are struggling to function. We will keep him comfortable, but I won’t lie. His situation is grim. To be safe, you might consider saying your goodbyes to him before it’s too late.”
I watched his mother collapse into her husband’s arms. Andie howled as if it was her own heart that was stopping. I just stood there, my universe feeling as if it stopped. Watching the reactions of people as if they were already letting go, when he was still alive. He would pull through. He was Linc. He wouldn’t leave me. He promised.
But promises are just words. And I’d quickly come to realize that you can promise the world, it doesn’t mean you can actually deliver it. Within the room of hurting loved ones, a retched scream breaks through. It’s when everyone turned to me that I realized that sound was coming from me.
How could he do this to me? How could he just leave me? Make my life feel so loved and whole. He lied to me. And now he is going to leave me feeling empty and lost. I took off, away from the worried eyes of my family, and eventually found solace in the chapel.
I sit in here, the silence comforting. Away from the sobs and the looks. The way everyone tries to comfort me as if that’s going to fix the hole being torn inside me. As each one holds their loved ones, knowing they will go home with them tonight. Unlike me, who will go home alone.
“I will never forgive you for this, Lincoln Carter,” I whisper to no one, feeling sorrow so deep in my soul. I wipe at the tears that won’t stop. I fear they never will.
They want to me to go say goodbye. And I just don’t know how to do that. How can I say goodbye to the one person who showed me how it felt to finally live?
“I’m not jumping off this ledge, Linc. You’re crazy. Plus the water has to be freezing!”
“I’m not crazy, beautiful, I’m adventurous. Plus, I wouldn’t bring you here and make you jump, unless I knew it was safe. You’re my prized possession, remember? I can’t let anything bad happen to you.” He leans in and kisses me, helping me forget about the levy below us and the high rock cliff we’re standing on. Finally pulling away, I feel breathless and free. Almost careless enough to take his word and jump off the cliff into the frigid lake.
“Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted to feel high without the help of illegal substances.”
I laugh, smacking him in the arm. “Yeah, but I kinda crossed that off my list after the romp we had with the choker and clamps. If I felt any more pleasure, my eyes would have popped out of the sockets.” His smile is absolutely infectious as it spreads across his face. Such a typical male, loves hearing what a stallion he is in bed.
“Well, thank you for the kind words. I will make sure to let Chef Cock know you approved of the meal. But in the meantime, this is different. You said you wanted to feel free. This will hit the spot.”
Linc always throws me off by how observant he is. He listens when even I’m not paying attention to myself.
“Rey, I want to do everything with you. Experience life to its fullest with you. And I promise to do my best to make sure all your dreams and aspirations are met. Just stick with me, okay? Don’t give up on me.”
I wrap my palms around his cheeks, bringing his lips to mine. “I’ll never give up on you, Lincoln Carter. Even if you think about giving up on yourself.”
Our eyes scream with so much meaning, you can feel the echo of emotion against the rock levy. My nerves have suddenly calmed and I know I trust Linc with my heart, my soul, my life.
I grab his hand. “Never give up.”
“Never give up.” And with that promise, we both take a huge leap off the cliff.
I pull myself back from the memory, feeling the vibrations of my phone. I know they are looking for me. I know I can’t hide in here forever. I check my phone and find a text from Ram.
Ram: Don’t put it off any longer. He would want you to say goodbye.
No.
He would want me to fight for him.
But it seems I’m the only one doing that. Am I being foolish? Unwilling to see the truth?
No one ever prepares for death. No one leaves their house in the morning on their way to work, saying, today I’m going to die, make sure you kiss your loved ones and tie up any lose ends.
Linc left the house today the happiest I have ever seen him. And now he is lying in a bed, fighting for his life. Or maybe even letting death win. I’m not sure anymore. I lift my eyes to the statue of Jesus, offering him one last plea, before turning and making the long trek to Linc’s room. With each step, my legs feel heavier. A force almost fighting me. If I don’t go in there, then he won’t die. He wouldn’t leave this world without letting me at least say good bye, right?
It’s when I turn the corner that I run into Lana. I try turning around, but she calls my name.
“Reagan, please. Just a quick word?” I want to pretend I don’t hear her. Keep going until I can make my way out of this hospital and keep walking until I can disappear away from this life, this pain, this emptiness quickly filling my heart.
I take in a breath for strength and continue walking forward. Two, three, four more steps closer to goodbye.
When I make it to Lana, I see the loss in her eyes. I look away. I refuse to let go.
“I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for loving my son. Giving him what he ached for his entire life. For making him feel like he wasn’t such a burden.”
I don’t want to cry.
I’m sick of crying.
It does nothing to help Linc.
I allow her to wrap me in her arms and hug me, offering me warmth. She releases me, trying to offer a small smile for courage. “He’s all yours,” she says patting me on my shoulder, walking back towards the waiting room. I begin walking, when I turn and call for Lana.
She turns and I speak. “He was happy. He smiled and laughed and loved. But it wasn’t me who showed him how to do that. It was him showing me. He always knew how precious life was. He just needed reminding himself.” Then I turn back and head toward the end of my future.
The beeping of the monitor fills the quiet room as I take my seat next to his bed. He looks the same as before. As if he’s sleeping off one of our fireball nights. But this time his silence has nothing to do with having too much to drink. I take his still hand in mine, pressing the top of his hand to my cheek. The hairs on his hand brush against my skin, and I close my eyes, trying to memorize the feeling.
“I remember the first time you touched me. Well, not really touched me, but the first time I felt your skin on mine. Remember Roman’s office, when you were trying to be suave with me? Complimenting my hair? I about swooned the moment your finger brushed against my cheek. So silly, right?” I laugh at the memory. “I know Roman wanted to murder you, but I couldn’t get my legs to leave. I just wanted to get you to keep talking. For some strange reason, I was so entranced by your voice. I was willing to do anything to spend more time with you, but then you offered to take me to a movie. You didn’t even know me and asked me to sneak into a movie without paying.” I laugh again, shaking my head at how hard he had to convince me to go. “You told me I needed to live a little and then started to spit out fake statistics on how beneficial it was for the economy when people didn’t pay for movies.” And he did. He went on and on about why we were doing society a favor by not paying, then ended up spending the cost of a ticket and then some on snacks and sodas.
“Everything you ever did, made me see life more brightly. From the moment you convinced me I was doing my civic duty by stealing from the movie theater, to showing me how it felt to truly love.” I wipe the tear running down my jaw, fighting to stay strong. “You taught me to be whoever I wanted to be and not worry about what others thought. You always acted like you never knew how it felt to live. But you were wrong. It wasn’t until you came into my life that I ever truly lived. Every day with you was life.”
I can’t say it. I can’t say goodbye.
But it’s time, Reagan.
“Goddammit, Lincoln Carter. Why are you leaving me? Why are you making me say goodbye when I feel like I just said hello?” My tears are starting to soak his cradled palm. “We have a future planned. A life. And I can’t do it without you. I won’t. You promised me forever, dammit, why are you giving up?”
I feel weak and ashamed that I’m crying so hard. I wanted to be strong for him, but I can’t. I can’t walk out of this room knowing it’s the last time I’ll see him.
“I will never forgive you. If you leave me, I won’t forgive you. Do you hear me? I love you. If you say you love me as much as you do, show me. Wake up! GODDAMMIT, WAKE UP!”
I grip his hand, resting my head on the edge of his bed, not wanting to hurt him. As if it would matter. I try catching my breath, so I can pull it together. I need to…
I lift my head up quickly, staring at the hand I’m holding.
“Do it again,” I whisper, praying it wasn’t in my head.
I wait.
And I wait.
Then it happens again.
I feel the small twitch of his hand inside mine.
“Oh God, I knew it. I love you, please, come back to me. Come back to me.”
The movement in his hand gets stronger at the same time the monitors start to react. I stare at the heartrate monitor, watching the pace pick up. I’m holding my breath, waiting for it to flat line again.
“Come on, baby. Give me another sign. Come back to me.”
The machines go nuts.
I almost drop his hand as the sudden beeping startles me. I’m not sure what’s happening, but I start to yell for the nurse.
It’s then that I watch his eyes open, locking directly with mine.