In It to Win It
I’VE HAD MY EAR PRESSED against the door for a solid minute and nothing. He must still be sleeping. Good. I take a deep breath and slowly and quietly open my bedroom door. I tiptoe out of my room, holding my breath, while I pass Linc’s open door. Don’t look, don’t look, don’t… “Oh!” I gasp, throwing my hands over my mouth and running past his door. Dammit! I told myself not to look, and who sleeps naked nowadays!? Jesus, how am I going to get that image of his perfect backside out of my head? I’m currently running on two hours of sleep since I spent my entire night tossing and turning with the image of Linc, shirtless on my mind. I don’t want to acknowledge what he was doing outside my door or what he heard.
Nope. He heard nothing.
I’m sticking to that.
But, God, he is beautiful. Muscular. Full of tattoos and, man, oh man, I just wanted to lick him all over. “Shut UP, Reagan,” I scold myself. I shake my head, realizing that if I want to sneak out of my house without having to face Linc, I should probably stop talking out loud to myself. I grab my work bag and slip through the front door. In my car, I toss my bag and speed down my driveway.
I force myself to think of what I have on my schedule for work. How many black pairs of shoes I have in my closet. How many languages I can say hello in. Sadly, only two. I just want to jam my brain with anything that doesn’t consist of a certain bare chest with tattoos. I fight to continue counting every time I ate tacos this month, but the specific tattoo over his heart keeps breaking through. A set of angry flames choking a bird. It was so beautiful in color—so visually stimulating. It was so angry. It made me want to know what it means. What all his ink means.
I’m sure if I asked, he would tell me. Because we are friends. I’m sure he would let me brush my fingers across his smooth skin and let me ask those questions. I’m curious why he has a scar just below his neck or why he has certain tattoos inked on him, and what they mean. I know Linc has led a rough life. A few times, when he’s had too much to drink, he’s opened up about the things he’s been through. The trouble he’s been in. And in those times, I wanted nothing more than to save him. To tell him he’s in a better place now and I would always be there for him when he needed me.
Because we’re friends.
Then why are you picturing his naked, tight butt lying on your sheets?
“Ugh!” I hit a stoplight and pull out my phone. I start scrolling through my pictures, pulling up photos I have of Chase and I. This is what I should be thinking about. My good-looking boyfriend. The one I’m dating who loves me and I… I… “Ugh!” I toss my phone back in my purse.
Last night was my own fault. I shouldn’t have asked Linc, of all people, to enlighten me on anything sexual. I knew it wasn’t going to lead to anything innocent. Sitting so close to him, looking at a couple get so deep and intimate. It made me think of us. Made me imagine that being him, gripping my hair and taking me roughly. I shouldn’t have done that to him. Leading him on when clearly I have no intention of following through.
I did the right thing by going to bed. But there was no way I was sleeping until I released some built up tension. I probably didn’t even need my vibrator to get off, I was already halfway gone. It only took a few minutes until my body got exactly what it was craving. I just wished I didn’t feel so guilty imagining Linc between my legs.
I need to knock it off. And that’s why when I get to work, I am going to throw myself at my boyfriend and wash any wrongful thoughts of my best friend out of my mind. That’s it. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to find Chase and do what Andie and Roman do all the time. Shut his door and seduce him. Show him that I am in it to win it. Maybe a little office head will make him realize how devoted I am. Office head? Really Reagan?
I make it upstairs and Clara is waiting for me as always.
“Morning, Reagan, I have your morning schedule. It’s pretty compact. Jenner Realty just signed and Ram needs you to go over the financial plan to make sure it looks accurate. I have Lindsay Tyson for you at ten o’clock regarding your office head.”
At that, I trip. “What did you just say?” I turn to her, looking super guilty. How could she have—
“I said your interview with The Herald. Ms. Tyson is here to take your office headshots.”
Office headshots. Dummy! “Yes, great, okay, what else?” Man, my mind really wants me to lose it.
“When are you going to pound Linc into next week?”
Another trip and this time my purse goes flying over my shoulder.
“Oh dear, Reagan, are you okay?” She tries to steady me, but I’m staring at her as if she’s grown two heads.
“What did you just say to me?” I snap, more rudely than is appropriate.
“I said I’ve been hounding IT to get that link on your computer. They promised me next week. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Clearly not.
Masking my delusion, I smile and grab the files she’s holding. “That will be all, Clara. Thank you.”
I’ve always been a levelheaded person. I don’t have these malfunctions. I don’t malfunction!
“Something wrong with the mailroom?”
I turn to see Roman standing outside his office. Great…now I’ve gone completely bonkers arguing with myself out loud. “I said malfunction… Oh, I mean, um, yeah! Mailroom. I, uh, uh, sent a package to an old friend. It came back. Stupid postage.” I shrug, fighting to keep eye contact. Don’t look guilty.
“Okaaaay,” he drawls out, a scowl painted on my older brother’s face. He scrutinizes me for a long moment before he continues. “I wanted to ask you. Any chance you messed with my golf clubs last night? I wanted to get them polished before golf with Chase on Saturday and I seem to have misplaced two of them.”
Oh crap. Act innocent. Act innoc—
“Golf? As in clubs? Like the ones you hit balls with?”
Okay, I said act innocent, not dumb.
Thankfully Roman, laughs it off. “Wow, Chase has a lot to teach you. You’re coming on Saturday, right? I think even Mom is. Heard they have a great buffet. You know our mother and her food. Probably going to end up in the kitchen taking notes.”
If one more family member brings up this stupid golf weekend, I’m going to blow up. Inside I’m raging. But on the outside, I smile my normal casual laidback smile and respond. “Not really sure. I have a lot of stuff I want to do around the house, and you know me, I don’t really care for golf.” And that’s because my own boyfriend didn’t even invite me. He seemed to have made the effort to suck in my entire family, without asking the one person who should matter most.
“You okay?”
I must have gotten lost in my thought. I snap out of it, my smile back in place. “Yep! Just started thinking about all the stuff I have to do. Busy day.” I wave him off before he sees through my lie or starts questioning me about other missing things in his house.
Now in my office, I toss my bag and rest my head against my leather chair. When did my life get turned upside down? My boyfriend seems to want to date my family more than me, and I want to date my best friend more than my boyfriend. And, my best friend seems to think I’m beautiful and isn’t sorry about it, which makes me want him to be my boyfriend. Gahh!
I throw myself into my work, pretending nothing in my life is awry. I get through the financial contract for Jensen and Co. and begin crunching the numbers for a new client Roman is interested in when my phone dings.
I look at my screen and see a notification from Tumblr.
LincLovesTheLadies is now following you.
I smile at his ridiculous screenname. Of course that doesn’t stop my curiosity from swiping unlock on my phone and opening the app. I click on the screenname and his page pops up surrounded by a ton of gifs. I find myself scrolling, my eyes wide at the first few I take in, my lips parting once I get to a gif of a man choking a woman while he takes her from behind. I press my finger to the gif and it starts playing with sound. Before I can realize what’s happening, moaning and flesh slapping against flesh blare throughout my office.
“Oh, Jesus Almighty! Turn off! Turn off!” I’m trying to click the X button to close the browser, but the only thing that happens is the increase of moaning and slapping. Sheer panic seizes me as I try shutting down my phone.
Clara walks into my office. “Everything okay in here—”
“Gahh, NO! I mean yes. Sorry, uh, Andie sent me another birthing video, in case, ya know, if I ever…” I finally see the swipe option to shut off my phone. I shove it into my desk drawer and lift my head, trying to act nonchalant, which may be impossible because even I feel the crimson in my cheeks. “Sorry, ew, don’t recommend those videos. Sounds painful.” Ugh, but she sure looked like she was enjoying it. “Anyway, have you seen Chase today?” Now seems like a great time to attempt to ravish my boyfriend. That or I am going to, for the first time ever, need to go to the ladies’ room and fondle myself until the buildup of what I just saw works its way out of me.
“Yeah, he’s in. Looking sharp in that navy blue suit he wears.” Clara winks at me and turns to head back to her desk. I quickly check my calendar and see that I have thirty minutes until my first meeting. Thankfully Chase isn’t the long-lasting type, so that gives us plenty of time.
I fix my hair and stick a mint in my mouth before heading down to his office. As always, he’s seated behind his desk going over résumés.
“Hey, sexy,” I purr, trying to be just that. He lifts his head and regards me, then sticks his nose back into his stack of papers.
“Hello, Pet. Are you getting sick?” No, just me being seductive.
“Ehh, no. Healthy as a horse.” He doesn’t look up, so I turn and shut his door, clicking the lock in place. “So, I have thirty whole minutes before my meeting starts. Was hoping you and I could catch up. Maybe finish what we started the other night.” I sway my hips toward his desk, not even sure how to sway. Since he’s not even looking at me, midway, I stop the act and just walk up to his desk. “Did you hear me? I miss you.” I step behind his desk, and take a seat on top of the papers he’s trying to review.
“What are you doing? We’re at work,” he grumbles, sitting back in his chair.
I take the opportunity to slide off his desk into his lap, using my fingers to thread into his perfectly styled hair. “And since you’re head of HR and I’m the CFO, I think we can break a few rules here.” I lean in to kiss him, but he puts his hands up between us to stop me.
“Stop being ridiculous. This is not the time nor place.”
“Then when is the time, Chase? You’ve blown me off for lunch the past few times and we haven’t spent any time together in days.”
He rolls his eyes, regarding me like I’m some whining child. “And since when have you become so needy? Seriously, Reagan, I didn’t know I was dating an insecure child. The amount of time we spend together is fine.” He pushes me off him, causing me to throw my feet to the floor to stand in order to avoid falling off his lap.
“What about this weekend? You promised to help me with my garden. Now, apparently, you’re taking my entire family golfing? And when were you going to inform me? I don’t know, maybe even invite me?” I raise my voice—no sense in trying to hide the hurt in it. I cross my arms over my chest, waiting for a response.
“You should be thanking me for being so generous to your family,” he snips. “You know how much that will set me back? Having your clan tag along on Saturday? I’ve already had your mother call me three times about the food. For Christ’s sake, isn’t an invitation to the most elite golf course enough?”
I gasp at his rude statement. How dare he insult my mother, or my family! “You invited them! And please, my family has enough money to buy that stupid golf course,” I spit back, feeling the anger bubbling up inside me. “And for your information, no one asked you to do this for them. You’re dating me, not my family. You should be trying to impress me.”
At that, he cynically laughs. “And how so? Shall I sit around drinking cheap booze with you? Watch those silly shows over and over? Maybe I should get a ridiculous tattoo on my body. Would that impress you?” I stare at him in shock. “Really, Reagan, knock off this act.” He dismisses me and lifts up a piece of paper, going back to work.
I can’t believe him. I can’t believe me. What am I doing with him? I take a few more deep breaths to calm myself, but that fails. And I let my anger run its course. I open my mouth.
“I came here because I missed you. Because I had every intention of seducing you right here on your desk to show you just how much I wanted you. But you know what? That idea died the moment you opened your mouth.” I turn to leave but I’m not done, so I turn back. “And one more thing, I enjoy drinking cheap booze, even out of the bottle. I love watching reruns, no matter how many times I’ve seen them, and for the record, you’re too big of a pussy to get a tattoo!” I raise my voice. “And yeah, have fun kissing ass to my family. I’ll be at home, spending time with someone who actually wants me around. Maybe I’ll show him just how much I missed him—”
My words are cut off when Chase leaps out of his seat and startles me by wrapping his hand around my neck and pushing me against the closed door. “Watch it, Pet.”
I’ve never seen him this angry—like, completely pissed off—not to this degree. His chest heaves as he glares at me.
“Ch-Chase, what are you doing?” I rasp in a calm voice. “Let me go.”
He doesn’t. His grip only tightens. “I’ve been really patient with your childish games, needing your friend around. But I’ve about had it. You want more of me? Get rid of him. He’s a wrench in our plans, Pet.”
I’m struggling to push him off me, but his alarming strength has me pinned against the wall. I feel his hot breath against my ear as he places a kiss to my lobe. “You’re mine, Reagan. I have a plan and you’re a part of it. The house. The yard. The white picket fence. And I think it’s about time you make it known to that stray dog who doesn’t know when to go away that he isn’t a part of that plan. He belongs on the other side of our fence.”
“Chase,” I hiss. “Stop this.”
“Stop what?” he snaps, his furious gaze meeting mine. “Stop wondering all the damn time if you two are screwing each other behind my back? So help me if you are—”
I try and lift my heel to kick him, when a knock resounds on the other side of the door. “Chase? I have those papers you requested,” Sandy, Chase’s assistant, calls out, and I couldn’t be happier to hear her voice. Chase instantly releases me, and I grab for the knob and throw the door open. “Oh! Hi, Reagan. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I can come bac—”
“Nope, it’s fine. I was just leaving.”
“Reagan.” Chase calls my name, and I force myself to turn and make eye contact.
“I love you.”
Chills blast through my body. Feeling the cold rush of confusion, I don’t know what to say. I know I don’t want to send up any red flags in front of Sandy, so I nod and offer him a weak smile before hurrying back to my office.
I decided to cut my day short, claiming not to feel well, and go home. I was useless at work anyway. I just couldn’t comprehend what had happened. I kept it together for most of the day, but the moment I got into my car, I broke down. How could Chase do that to me? I was never ignorant to his cocky side. I knew the moment we began dating that Chase was a kept man. But to put his hands on me?
I cry the whole way home. I make it into my driveway when I realize Linc’s car is gone. Where is he? I need him right now. I need to tell him what Chase did. I can’t tell my brothers because they would kill him. Linc may not be any better. But he’ll listen. He’ll hold me and tell me things are going to be okay.
I grab my phone and shoot off a quick text as I make my way into my house.
Me: Where are you? Can you come home?
It takes him longer than normal to respond. When I’m changed into my yoga pants and a tank top, I finally hear my phone ding.
Abraham L: I’m kinda tied up right now.
Like tied up or tied up? My stomach drops at the thought of him being tied up by a woman. How could he even be with someone right now? Because he’s not yours, Reagan. I send off a reply trying not to sound like I’m prying.
Me: Are you going to need help getting untied or will she let you go once she’s done with you?
My face doesn’t show the humor I’m trying to show in my text. I need him right now, and for all I know he is with someone else.
Abraham L: Sorry, got this thing I need to take care of. I’ll see you tonight.
No humor in his response back. He’s definitely with someone. My heart breaks even more, even though I know it has no justification to. He isn’t mine. I’m not his. I go straight to my kitchen cabinet and grab for the bottle of Fireball. I skip the shot glass and immediately take a strong swig instead. My eyes squint and my teeth grind at the burning sensation flowing down my throat—that first sip never gets easier.
It takes two more swigs until I feel warm and less likely to have a breakdown. I bring the bottle to my couch and sit, switching on the TV. The movie on is a Nicholas Sparks flick—go figure—destined to make me want to cry my eyes out. I change the channel to the next station, which ends up being golf. Fuck golf. I turn the TV off.
I spend some quiet time alone with my Fireball, trying to figure out what I need to do. I promised myself that after Jimmy in California, no one would put their hands on me ever again. I never in a million years thought Chase would be abusive, but then again, no one has I suck written on their foreheads as a warning. I take some time looking harder into our relationship. Chase has never really been the overly caring type. And if he ever leaned that way, it was when my family was around. When he’d be putting on his show. Why am I just seeing this now? I’m so angry with myself for being so blind. I always let men walk all over me. And every time I swear it will be different the next time, I fall back into the same relationship.
I refuse to be with someone like Chase. I deserve better. I deserve someone who tells me I’m beautiful and means it with such force that there’s pain in his voice. The pain caused by the fact that he can’t have me. I take another swig, the memory of Linc at my bedroom door weighing heavily on my mind. The sound in his voice. The ache in my chest that I felt after his words seeped inside me. I wanted to run to the door and throw myself into his arms. Confess all these feelings that have been festering since the moment I met him. I would tell him right now, if he were here.
But he would have to be here to do so. And he’s not. Because he’s busy. Another swirl of anger hits my chest as I take another pull.
“He’s not mine. He can do what he wants,” I say, trying to convince myself that the burning feeling inside my chest is the alcohol and not jealousy churning inside me. I’m deep into the bottle when my phone starts to chirp. I look to the couch where I left it and see a notification.
DaddyWantsAKitten is now following you.
Who the… I grab my phone and unlock it. When I get into the app, it seems that I have a bunch of new followers. “Jesus, what is he doing with that?” I turn my head sideways, trying to figure out what hole that guy is shoving that pole in, when it starts over. What’s up with this five-second tease? Surely people want to see more than five seconds. For research purposes, that is.
I move on, scrolling through my new buddy’s interests. Seems to be the thing to use whips and ball gags. Not sure how that poor girl can breathe while her lover has his hand wrapped in her hair as he tugs on her scalp, stretching a device around her neck. I’m not sure if I find it disturbing or a turn on. I can’t seem to take my eyes off it, so I’m going with the latter.
A few more posts down and I find myself becoming more comfortable on my couch. My tank top seems too hot, so I expose my stomach by bringing it up to just under my breasts. The next image is of a woman being taken by two men. Feeling bold, since I’m at home, I press on the gif so it opens full screen and the sound surrounds my living room. Her moans are hungry and with each grunt from her lovers, she is pushed farther into the bed, her glistening thighs spread wider by the man’s large length.
“Ohhh.” I accidently catch myself moaning as I watch the other man’s finger disappear into her back hole. I find myself feeling warmer, embarrassingly turned on by watching her be taken so aggressively. I stare at her large nipples, which seem to be covered by clamps as they bounce back and forth with each thrust. “I need to try a pair of those,” I mumble, taking a swig, spilling a little bit down my shirt. I rub my hand over my chest to wipe up the spilled liquor when my nipples perk. I do it again, this time slower, and the sensation sparks a slow throb down below.
Just when her face looks like she’s about to orgasm, the reel starts over. “Dammit,” I grumble, shamelessly squeezing my breast through my tank. I know the Fireball is taking over, because I would never be so brazen to touch myself while watching porn on my couch, in the middle of the day. I quickly scroll, so I can find another video before I lose my arousal. I scroll past an advertisement and decide there’s no harm in clicking on that, too.
It, to my disbelief, takes me to a site where there are no boundaries. I mean, they sell everything. With each click, I find something that intrigues me as much as it scares me. I imagine myself using the tools on myself or having someone use them on me and I find myself so turned on that I’m dumping item after item in my basket. “World of Kink, where have you been my whole life,” I talk to my phone while I attempt to shimmy out of my yoga pants.
Enter your shipping details. “Sure thing, you dirty website.” I chuckle, kicking off my pants. I’m having a hard time seeing the screen as I enter in my credit card information and shipping address. If it denies me, maybe it will be a good thing. As it is, I can’t recall what I put in my basket but I could care less. I’ll use every single darn thing.
Once my purchase is completed, I go back to Tumblr and a girl masturbating immediately pops up on my screen. Using a dildo quite aggressively, I watch her as she rams it inside her, her eyes closing with each thrust. God, this is so naughty, but so hot at the same time. I would never think that watching another chick masturbate would turn me on so much. It then gives me the idea to match her. I get up and sway to the right almost taking out my coffee table. I may have accidently drank a wee bit too much and my legs struggle to walk in a straight line. I close an eye and make it to my bedroom in search of my dildo. Once I find it, I rip off the rest of my clothes and throw myself onto my bed. I unlock my phone, and with the girl pleasuring herself, I begin to mimic her moves.
Until my damn battery dies.
Seriously!?
“Fudge. Fucken’ Fudge,” I slur and throw my legs off the bed. The rest of my body almost goes with them landing me in a face plant on the floor. I steady myself but knock my lamp over in the process. “Tomorrow’s problem,” I mutter as I stumble into my bathroom. I fall to the floor in front of my vanity and open my cabinet in search of my extra batteries.
“Where, oh where are you, vibrator battery stash?” I say with a giggle, pushing through tampon boxes and expired hair products. I take a break, because I have too much stuff in my cabinet, and lean against the wall. Inhaling a big breath of air, I tell my brain to sit up and get back at it. My new Tumblr girlfriend waits for no one.
But instead, I pass out against my bathroom wall.